Luna being free from her guilt, visits Celestia in her dream to have a talk.
Luna notices something off in Celestia's dream, so she uses the Tantabus find the source of the problem. The Tantabus gets loose and causes Celestia to live her worse nightmare.
What will this reveal about Celestia?
What it change between these two?
Written as a writing prompt to Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?
Cover art by 90Sigma
http://90sigma.deviantart.com/art/Celestia-and-Luna-Hugging-Luna-Major-Ver-308484087
Special thanks for EloquentElephant http://www.fimfiction.net/user/EloquentElephant for editing this!
Chapters (1)
Nice story, you did good.
This is heartwarming... but also quite badly written.
The concept is there, the plot makes sense, but this story really suffers from badly described actions and emotions, poor perspective, bad grammar and typos. It is in desperate need of "show, not tell", and in places is just dialogue.
Don't get me wrong, this could be a great story, it just needs some polishing.
My advice to you - get an editor.
Oh and a follow up.
In terms of detail, the scene where Twi appears is unnecessary. I'm fairly certain Twiley isn't that nervous around the Princesses anymore, and they just detract from the story's main plot points. Focus more on the detail on the main scenes and it will come out better.
I'm not trying to be mean, this is constructive criticism, I swear.
It just got a bit out of hoof...
Thank for the comments, I kind of knew the story an editor, because spelling and grammar is not what I'm good at I tried the best I could. If there's anyone who can do it let me know.
6380947
It helps communication greatly if one remembers to tag the individual(s) that they wish to reply to by using the >> in the top right hand corner.
6381162 I'll keep that in mind.
Really good story but you need an editor; It felt like something written by a non-native english speaker.
This deserves more views and less people complaining xP Get an editor soon please
6400136 Thank you the comment wow it's that bad
, unfortunately I have no time for the next two weeks to look for a editor, if you have someone in mind let me know.
6444189 Ok Actually I have more things to add, so after I'm done I'll let you take a look at it.
This was really good! Other than grammar and spelling errors, I really liked it. The story was very deep and clearly thought out. Keep up the good work!
6521240 Thanks for the comment, but I'm not done with this story I have a few changes to add to it.
6521361
Okay good. I'm excited to see where it goes!
It's better. I can see the grammar has been fixed up, as have the typos, though I still feel it could use some work. There are certain parts that could use some more description, though it's possible that this is just me.
This is by no means a great story---it still has a few flaws---but it is greatly improved.
Keep on improving.
I like it
6760775 lol did you notice the changes this time ?
6762248
Yes. It flowed much easier and was easier to read. I also like the way you changed Celestia's dream. I thought it was much better this time. Sorry it took me so long to re-read it
6762440 Don't worry about it, still I'm you like the improvement, it was all because Eloquent Elephant they did all the work.
6763056
But it was still your story. Thanks for notifying me that it had been updated
6766430 lol My brother and I love MJ songs.