• Member Since 24th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 30th, 2015

Mes Amis


T

Baker Loaf is a nomadic stallion raised in an orphanage in Fillydelphia. After leaving Filly for years and having traveled to big cities all over Equestria, he finds himself without supplies or food to travel. So with no other option, Baker chooses to get a job in Ponyville. Upon entering ponyville he finds a Pink mare known as Pinkie Pie. Finally getting a part time job at Sugarcube Corner, will he get enough bits and leave town or will he chose to stay to start a new life?

Until further notice, chapters will be removed for revision.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 22 )

Decent story, but if you continue at this chapter, soon you're only going to be halfway into the story with about 30 chapters. The writing is good, I only noticed a few grammar errors.

644389
Thanks. This is my first real attempt to write anything that wasn't required for my classes and so far I'm working on the plot. And to tell the truth I don't have an editor so I was expecting mistakes in grammer.

And thanks to the others who favorited this story.

Dude,I'm getting a hang of this story.A few grammar mistakes,but no worries.Keep working on the story and it might as well be awesome.

I'm seeing some progress:twilightsmile:

656341

Well thanks bro. And it seems like you're using my own advice against me.:trollestia:
It's great to see you and I forgot to track you when I gave you that advice a month ago.:facehoof:
Thanks again Brother. Rise Against all the way!:yay:

657951Well,I'm glad you've read my advice dude.:pinkiehappy:but also for a first attempt at writing a fimfiction.This is good,compared to mines.Anyways,I hope to see more in later chapters:twilightsmile:

660279

Thanks pal, and I'll try to post a chapter every 2 or 3 days at a time.
It takes me some time to work on things, with all the mental stress from being able to have a mental breakdown everyday. :pinkiecrazy:
But I digress.:twilightsheepish: Thanks you again and I'll post up next chapter by tomorrow night.

660349Yup I'll continue on my story once school is over:flutterrage:!!
I didn't have the time to finish the chapter I was doing,due to all the school work :facehoof:,but for sure I'll finish up a chapter once its over:twilightsheepish:.

Not bad.I like where this is going bro.

MOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:pinkiehappy:

763011
I'm working on the next few chapters. I seem to have writers block but I promise I shall have the next chapter by next week.:eeyup:

763671:yay:Yay!763671How did you explain a magazine like that to others?:unsuresweetie:

763671:yay:Yay!763671How did you explain a magazine like that to others?:unsuresweetie:Oh and thank you kindly for responding .It feels good to be needed......For once*sigh*:fluttershyouch:

763729
Hey I just got started with my writing last month so responding is the best I can do.

My only grip is you need to work on making 1000+ to 3000+ chapters, unless your popping them out everyday 600ish word count just looks rushed

Also if having issues making a 1000-3000 word chapters just add small talk and normal events, it may seem boring but for slice of life like storys there a must.

806718
Thanks for the advice pal. I'll get right on it. That might be harder to work with just breaking my block but I'll still try.

And a side note I have been half-assing so far but with the summer out I'll be right more seriously.

Well it also helps with pace, I mean this chapter had some what the hell parts.

Like pumkin cake just running to baker and hugging him. As a reader we haven't see anything happen before hand from baker or the twins this leaves a reader going. "huh? Why are they so friendly...what happen? Is he like a big brother figure to the twins?"

That why small talk and everday events help, and trust me I understand 110% writing never easy.

Anyhow best of luck breaking down that bitch we call writer's block

806874
Alright thanks I'll get right on that.

Sorry if it seems rushed I had nothing to do and I thought this would just be the breakthrough I needed to pass that bitch we all know. Write's Block.

Well I'm both happy and a bit upset but lets list the good thing's first

-1k+ words MY MAN GIVE ME A BROHOOF!:pinkiehappy:
-More then 2 events per chapter YES!!!
-and back to back updates :pinkiegasp:

now for the UGH part:applecry:
-Pacing was ALL OVER THE PLACE
-Pinkie was kinda just there, I mean she admit to a love baker to season.... but did it in such a sub par way, there was not real feeling beside it
-season just insta likes baker barely know the guy and want to date him just come out shallow

If I was me I'd rewrite Chapter one to ten I know you don't wanna hear that with your story seeming to be more event then day to day life

things you need to work on IMO
-Feelings things just don't happen over night, if you going day by day you need to show boring events. if going by event based then you need to have Events that matter
-1-3k word count I know I go on and on about this but you be shock how many people look at fan fic and go "eh 600 word chapters yea I don't care for it" or even just down vote it

Pinkie Just there a lot you can do with her she is random and due to that I feel she a Fan fic writers wet dream! I mean with the other there kinda set in Stone but pinkie isn't an I mean you get a lotta grim-dark tales, pinkie x other mane 6, pinkie x human etc etc etc.

I just feel that there so much you can do with this! if you just slow down and take your time work on your weakness and bam have a grade A story

815402
Trust me if I knew what I was doing wrong I would change it but since I don't I got to rely on all of you guys for the criticism. And about rewriting it I guess I'll do that I just feel weird about it myself, so please don't expect any new material for the next two Weeks at max.

And Don't worry I'll get better at this on my next project. if I don't please tell me so I can get my pal who got me into this to smack me upside the head eveytime I mess up. I'm Dead Serious About It To.

Edit: I have removed all chapters until revised.

For those rereading, I have not changed the basic concept of the chapter but instead added more conversations. I will continue with the rest of the chapters, and then will start working on new material.
Thank you for being patient with me, I really do appresiant it.

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