"Don't Do It, Scoot!"
Scootaloo had had a horrible day. First, her scooter broke down on the way to school, making her an hour late and causing her to spend recess clapping erasers. Then, she realized at lunch time that she’d left her lunch box on her scooter, and since neither Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom was at school today (they were home with a stomach bug), she was left with nothing to eat. Also, because of the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders were absent, she faced the “blank flank” teasing of Diamond Tiara and Sliver Spoon alone, leaving her almost in tears. After school, she ran all the way to the Crusaders’ treehouse and blocked the door so no one could get in, before going over to the farthest corner of the treehouse and bursting into tears. She stayed there, curled up and crying, for hours. She felt the urge, but she knew she shouldn’t. She was trying to ignore it but it kept raging up.
Come on, Scootaloo. Nopony will notice.
You always do it on your front legs, who won’t notice?
Come on, Scootaloo. You can always get some leg warmers from Rarity.
It’s spring. Everypony will wonder what’s wrong with you and you’ll get hot.
No one will care. The other Crusaders were out today, when you needed them.
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are your best friends. They’re helping you find your special talent to earn your Cutie Mark. Come on, it’s been months since you last felt like this. You can make it through this.
Scootaloo, what does it matter?
Suddenly, Scootaloo heard the voice of Diamond Tiara.
YOU ONLY EVER HIDE BEHIND YOUR OTHER LITTLE CRUSADERS!! NO ONE WILL EVER CARE ABOUT AN ORPHANED BLANK-FLANK LIKE YOU!!
Scootaloo felt the tears run faster as she headed to her drawer in the treehouse. There, underneath her tools for her scooter, lie her secret: a shiny, silver razor.
Spike was carrying some fabric he had picked up for Rarity, taking a shortcut through the forest where the Cutie Mark Crusaders built their treehouse. As he got closer, he heard sobs coming from inside, and set the fabric under the tree and climbed up to investigate.
He knocked carefully, “Scootaloo? Is that you?”
Scootaloo didn’t hear him. She was locked in her own mind, where all her feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy were bouncing around inside. The laughing of the ponies she’d been teased by, the chants of “blank-flank”, they all swirled around in her mind, faster and faster, until she couldn’t take it anymore. She carefully took it in her mouth, held up her left foreleg, and lowered the razor to it.
Just as Scootaloo was about to slice, Spike forced the door open and gasped at the sight of the young filly.
“SCOOT, NO!!!”
He ran over to her with tears and wrapped his arms around her neck, breaking Scootaloo’s trance. Scootaloo looked at the sad, little dragon, before dropping her razor and crying even more.
“Scoot, why...you could’ve gone to Twilight...to the other Crusaders...to me. Why did you feel the need to do this?”
“Because...I’ve had a horrible day...and no one would care even if I did tell...I’m just an orphaned blank-flank....” Scootaloo looked down to the floor, feeling alone even with the young dragon standing there with her.
“Scoot, if I didn’t care, would I have stopped when I heard you crying?” Spike asked, sniffling lightly and hurting for his friend.
“I…I guess not….”
“I’m your friend, Scootaloo. I’m always here for you. Come on, we’ll go to Sugarcube Corner and have some carrot cupcakes with sprinkles. Those are your favorites.”
“I don’t know Spike….”
“Come on, Scoot. We can talk about your day. I’ll listen, I promise. Then you can help me deliver some fabric to Rarity.”
Scootaloo looked up and had to smile. “Alright. You win.” She got up on her hooves and followed Spike out of the treehouse, grabbed a few bundles of fabric, and the pair walked side-by-side to Sugarcube Corner.
“Why do you even listen to Diamond Tiara and Sliver Spoon? They’re stuck-up snobs.”
“Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle always know what to say to them...I always kinda just watch….”
"Scoot…do you feel like you can’t stand up to them alone?”
Scootaloo nudged her cupcake lightly with her hoof. “Kinda.”
Spike smiled. “As many times as you've threatened me to stay away from the Cutie Mark Crusader treehouse—rather creatively I might add—I thought you were the one who always told off the 'snot-nose twins'. I can’t even repeat most of the physically impossible things you said you’d do to my tail.”
Scootaloo giggled, “I don’t know why, but I always freeze. You’re my friend, Spike. It’s easy because I know you won’t do anything if I tell you off.”
Spike laughed at this. “Even if I wasn’t your friend, I probably wouldn’t mess with you too much. You’re a tough little filly.”
“I’m not as tough as everyone thinks. I really do hide behind the other Crusaders.”
“That’s not true. Remember when you guys did that great song for the talent show?”
“Yes...but…”
“You did most of the singing for that song and you guys were great!”
“I guess….”
“Scootaloo…this is about more than what Diamond Tiara and Sliver Spoon said...isn’t it?”
Scootaloo nudged her cupcake again. “It…it’s stupid….”
Spike shook his head. “Something that makes you this sad is never stupid.”
Scootaloo took a deep breath, hesitated, then began, “Well…a few months ago, I entered an essay contest to win a day for two with the Wonderbolts, and when I won, I was going to ask Rainbow Dash to go with me…but I got the letter back yesterday saying that even though my entry was the best, they couldn’t in good conscience send a flightless pegasus to Cloudsdale, so they gave it to somepony else….” Scootaloo’s eyes started watering. She had won fair and square, but it had been taken from her because she couldn’t fly.
“Scoot, it’ll be okay. I’m sure if you talk to Rainbow Dash, she’ll know a few Wonderbolts and can get you both a day with them….”
“That’s not how I wanted it to happen! I wanted to surprise her and make someone proud of me!!” Scootaloo completely pushed her cupcake away from her this time, and laid her head on the table.
“Scoot…I’m proud of you.”
With her head still on the table, Scootaloo muttered, “For what?”
Spike smiled and took her hoof in his claw. “For being a great friend.”
Scootaloo peeked up at him. “R...really?”
Spike smiled at her. “Of course.”
Scootaloo smiled back at the small dragon. She realized what nice, green eyes he had, along with his nice smile. She never noticed how cute he was when giving him a deeper look.
While she was admiring the small dragon, he was admiring her pretty, purple mane and her sparkling, lavender eyes. He never realized she, in different ways, was just as pretty as Rarity, and had a sparkling personality to match.
Speaking of Rarity, the mare walked in the door and approached the pair. “Oh! Spikey! I didn't expect to see you here. Look, darling, I’m so sorry to interrupt…whatever it is you’re doing here, but I really do need my fabrics.”
Spike blinked, remembering where he was. “Oh, yes Rarity, I will. I’ll see you later.” Spike knew he needed to tell Scootaloo how he felt, but he made a promise to Rarity. It could wait.
Scootaloo nodded and watched the little dragon load up the fabric and head with Rarity to her house. She knew she needed to tell Spike about her new found feelings, but they would have to wait.
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Subject matter is pretty good, over all, I like it, though I did find a few minor punctuation errors, you also demonstrated the inner turmoil well, and the story pulls the reader in.
This one hit me. Have a cookie. *hands a cookie* And this mustache.
6254647
6254764 Thank you both. I really liked working on this
6255106 One more thing.... You get readers choice from me.
6255115 haven't been here long.....explain
6255140 User ratings on a story, we can set up our own libraries, in mine, Readers choice is the highest rating
6255143 Nice!!
6255140 Also giving you a follow, I look forward to your future works.
And an offer of friendship to go with it.
6255154 I like that
6255232 sequel?
6255546 I can try the well of inspiration must replenish first
I am a bit torn on this one.
I certainly like the topic and in principal it was well handled. There is nothing inherently wrong with this story. You tried to show Scootaloo's inner turmoil and you did not make self harm something either very bad or positive. All in all I do like it and it is certainly better than most Scootaloo stories I read on a day to day basis.
I guess what bugs me a bit is the length of the story. You enter too late, and with that don't give enough builtup for Scootaloo's feelings. They are more or less retold as an exposition that is over after just a few paragraphs. Spike is handled rather well, but Scootaloo gives in way too fast. If she is in a mental state to self-harm herself in an uncontrolled manner a few words would most likely not help. Spike could and should talk to her, but Scootaloo would continue bawling or something, even though Spike asks and says the rigth stuff.
What is more important though, is that fact that Spike does not bring Scootaloo to any adults, but even worse, disappears to Rarity if if the situation is dealt with in full. Admittedly, Spike is only a child, but even because of that his impuls would be to run to Twilight.
In the very end the hint that they have fallen in love somewhat weakened the story for me as well. If you wanted to focus on this, it would have needed a bit more development in the story, not just an afterthought.
I guess what all this boils down to is that for me the dire consequences for Scootaloo fell a little short, and the situation was resolved too easily. However, at least for me, this is exactly this where the potential for great storytelling lies. This certainly has the potential for a follow up, where you could further delve into this issues.
6256661 Actually this story was based off a true story between the two of her friends. So the story actually has some fact to it.
Horse
6256715
It doesn't matter if it happened in real life or not. The story is still extremely fast-paced and it kicks both characters, Scootaloo and Spike out of character. In 1.3k words this happens:
Scoots: "I'm gonna cut myself because filly <x> said bad things about me!"
Spike: "Scoots, don't! You're a cool filly!"
Scoots: "Yeah, you're right."
Spike: "...Yeah." I developed feelings for Scootaloo out of the blue because why not.
Scoots: I somehow developed feelings for Spike out of the blue, so I should talk to him about that on our way home.
Story is different than an entry from a diary. It needs to have characterization, pacing, and overall, substance. This story fails on more levels than one:
For characterization, it kills both Scootaloo and Spike. It kills Scootaloo because she turns her from a brave pony as we see her in the show to the crybaby that thinks, that the pain will go away with cutting herself. While that is not entirely false... Let's just stay at this point. I rather not go further on the subject. And Spike? Spike is practically Twilight. That's not how he talks.
For pacing: Rather than this being a properly paced story, this reads like a list of events without proper emotional depth. It doesn't try to establish any kind of depth or meaning before moving on.
And substance? There's hardly anything in there. I think that the story wants to tell me that if a dragon tells me not to cut myself, it'll probably lead to some form of romance.
Hardly any of this makes sense.
~Twi
I liked this story a lot even if it's a bit short I think this story is pretty good.
Whether romantic or friendshipping, it is unusual to see a story featuring Scootaloo and Spike bonding over something.
Welp.
#IShipItLikeFedEx
And considering I'm not that much of a shipper, that's saying something.
Eh. First off, the ending just doesn't work, they just out of the blue get a crush on each other. As others have said before, the build-up to Spike's whole "I'm proud of you" moment needs a lot of work as well. The early section is a lot stronger, as it's more believable for Scoots then to be depressed between a full day of both of her friends being out sick, and having to put up with bullying. Even then the single hint we get of Diamond Tiara's actual words is pretty blatant over-the-top when DT hasn't ever been shown anywhere as vicious as that. Mean, certainly, but not outright cruel.
Well, I gave this a read because I am a sucker for ScootaSpike (thanks a lot, King of Beggars!) but this… wow, okay. This story kind of ratchets up the stupid just for the sake of feels.
I mean, really, not giving a disabled kid a prize because they would want it to go to an able-bodied kid. A group like the Wonderbolts, or shit, even a school, wouldn't pull that shit, it'd be a PR nightmare. An orphaned disabled kid. I mean, shit, they'd make a huge fucking deal over it to win some good PR points, give her the star treatment. Not go "Ewww, orphan disabled foal, fuck that!"
I mean, where in the hell would they even have gotten that information? They run a medical background check on all contest entrants?
I honestly was interested when it seemed to be going down the route of exploring self-harm; but this story didn't do that. It just kind of… I don't know, tried to make me feel bad for the poor widdle disabled orphan child, and the dragon that swoops in to save the day.
Yeah, no thanks.
It felt rushed for me but it was good for me. Few errors here and there but didn't really matter. I'll be watching you man.
I like it, but it feels the pacing's off. I mean, Spike just jumping on her and telling her she shouldn't cut herself, while logical, should probably be paced out a bit more. Let the narrative linger on the event. Let Spike explain things a bit more slowly. Also, the sudden jump cut to Sugarcube Corner was confusing. It also feels like it ended up in the air. Like there's a sequel waiting in the wings. Otherwise, really good work.
I noticed others mentioned that Scoots is a bit out of character. But I think you did a good job covering that. Why we don't normally see her like that. It was good.
diamond tiara and silverspoon are jerks...