I have absolutely no idea what to put here. So...yeah.
“Believe me, we know,” said the full of himself asshole of a guard. “Now are you going to come quietly or not?”
You know, when I realized I was going to Equestria, there were a few things I expected. Confusion about my race, being taller than all the ponies, maybe a bit of awkwardness about my missing arm. Being arrested on sight? That wasn’t one of them.
“Look,” I said to the guard, “we really haven’t done anything all that bad. Maybe we can just talk this out.”
“Yeah, that’ll happen.”
“Be quiet, I’m talking.”
“Jackass…” Ren muttered.
“The point is there’s no reason for all this trouble. How bout we just pay a fine or something and we can go our separate ways?” If I was lucky, they’d use the Skyrim legal system. Skyrim, where murder is forgiven with the exchange of gold.
“Attempting to bribe an officer? You’re just digging yourself deeper.” Right…I’d forgotten it’s impossible for me to have good luck. Not my brightest moment.
“Well?” I asked Ren.
“Don’t kill them. They’re just stupid ponies.”
“I wasn’t planning to.” The guard snarled and narrowed his eyes.
“That’s it! SKIN THOSE CATS!”
This is not turning out like I’d hoped.
The surrounding guards charged us as the crowd cheered, happy to see a fight. A pegasus came flying ahead of the others straight at me. I slipped into that calm state that seemed to happen whenever I got into physical danger. Without even thinking about it, I side stepped the charge and grabbed one of his wings. Using his own momentum, I spun the guard around in a short semicircle and flung him into a second pegasus. The two landed in a (very confused) heap ten feet away.
Huh…I’m getting better at this.
Ignoring the sound of Ren wailing on his own set of guards a few feet away, I turned my attention to the two earth ponies and the unicorn who had taken the pegasai’s place. The horn head telekinetically threw a rock at me. I dodged it easy and decided to focus on him.
The earth ponies reached me nearly in synch, but one of them was leading slightly. When she leaped, I fell flat, kicking her in the stomach as I did so. She coughed in surprise and fell to the side, clutching her chest. In the same instant, the second pony slammed into me, sending us both into a roll. My far superior cat spine allowed me to come up on top.
I quickly punched the dazed pony in the face and ducked to avoid the second rock. Returning my gaze to the primary target, I jumped up and sprinted at the now worried unicorn. Of course I was blindsided by one of the pegasai who’d manage to untangle themselves (though one appeared to have a broken wing and was out of the fight).
We came up separate this time. The extremely angry (and slightly bruise) pegasus let out a roar of frustration and flew up into the air. He made a series of quick, high punches aimed at my head. I bobbed and weaved around nearly all of them. The jabs weren’t tough enough to knock me out, but they definitely hurt.
My ears (what’s left of them) picked up the sound of a third rock. Once more, I ducked and heard the metallic clang of the projectile bouncing off his helmet. He fell to the street unconscious.
I turned to the worried looking unicorn. The second he realized who I was paying attention to, he swallowed visibly. Then he serious the fuck up. With a snort and a stomp he made his intention clear.
I’m not even gonna bother.
The two of us silently charged at each other. When I was two feet away from him, I stepped to the side leaving a single foot in his path. He tripped, spun into a roll, and fell to rest a few yards away. He let out a groan that made me sure he wouldn’t be getting up.
I heard a few laughs and cheers coming from the crowd. At the start, they were almost universally for the guards, but when we started putting on a real show, their opinion had changed. The loyalty of the mob and all that.
I turned to check on Ren. He was busy fighting off four guards in an impressive display of martial prowess. Seven were on the ground around him in various states of consciousness.
Let’s see now…There were twenty-one guards. I’ve take out five, Ren got seven. He’s handling another four. That means there’s…five more guards unaccounted fo-
Make that four guards unaccounted for.
The guard that started all this, I’m going to guess he’s the sergeant, came out of nowhere and bucked me in the side. I flew through the air and landed with what might have been a cracked rib. Or at least it felt like it.
“Son of a bitch!” I pulled myself up from the ground, letting out a weak cough while I did so. The aforementioned asshat guard stood over me with the look of a man about to stomp a kitten and enjoy every single second of doing so.
Trust me; it’s a very specific look.
He reared intending to make good on that threat. I rolled and heard the street crack where his hooves touched down. I came up to the side and just barely managed to jump out of the way of another buck. The pony wasted no time, coming at me with a series of fast swipes.
I responded in turn, throwing a few quick jabs in where I could. We went around in a circle. I kept walking backwards and staying just in front of his attacks. He slowly began to grow more and more frustrated. Eventually, he just straight out leapt at me!
I ducked under his impromptu charge and caught him on my shoulders. Then I sent him flying through the air to land painfully a few feet away.
Wow…didn’t know I was that strong.
I checked on Ren and saw him delivering one last skull shattering kick to some poor guard’s head. The rest of the guards were down.
“You know, I don’t think your army’s as good as everyone says it is,” I told him. He shot me a glare from his position on the ground. Where I left him. After wiping the floor with his ass. Ahhh happy memories.
“Net,” he said suddenly.
“Net?” I asked. A sound behind me tipped me off and I turned to see…
“NET!” A large, net came flying out of the crowd and wrapped around me. I take some solace in the fact that a few of the onlookers booed. A few feet away, I heard Ren go down under the same treatment.
Out of the mass of spectators, a pair of unicorns emerged. One held a rope connected to my net, the other was charging a spell.
Did I mention the net was metal?
“Oh, this is gonna huUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”
“You see that?”
“Yeah. Cat-people. Didn’t even know we had those.”
“Think we should tell the boss?”
“You think we’ve found our guy?”
“Don’t know. We’ll just have to keep watching.”
“Uhhhhhhh…” I slowly opened my eyes. “Oh god. My…everything.” I mean it. Literally every damn thing hurt. I just laid there for a moment staring at the gray stone ceiling trying to get my bearings.
“There we go, nice and easy,” a female voice tells me. With curiosity and a healthy sense of dread, I looked around at my surroundings.
As I stared at the dark stone of my cell, memories of brief badassery followed by intense pain shot to the front of my mind. I groaned as I recalled the taser nets. I mean seriously, fucking magical ponies had taser nets! Who knew? My next thought was to make sure my prosthetic was still in place. Which it was. They never suspected…
The cell was fairly ordinary. Just a box with a pair of cots and a bucket. Ren was passed out on the other bed. One wall was a series of steel bars separating me from freedom. On the other side was a hallway that curved, leading me to believe we were in some kind of tower. Beyond that, an empty cell.
“Who’s there?” I asked the voice.
“Come to the bars and see.” Seemed easy enough. I pulled myself off the cot and worked my way to the bars. It looked like something straight out of a prison movie. Since we were in prison, I suppose it made sense. The cell adjacent to the one across from us was occupied by a smiling unicorn mare. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“Uh, nothing much…” She had a dark gray coat with a rich blue mane and tail to match her eyes. “What’s going on with you?”
“Oh, you know. Same old same old. Just in prison.” She made a ‘so-so’ motion with her hoof. “But enough of that. You want to get out of here?” she asked excitedly.
“Well, I’ve only been here a minute and I already hate it so…yeah.”
“Perfect! Now listen up…” she dropped to a whisper. Which was kind of pointless since it had to be a loud whisper for me to hear her, but I leaned in close to the bars anyway. “I can pick the lock on the door, but after that the guards will beat me raw and throw me in solitary. I don’t mind the first part so much, but the second would be bad.” That…was a little too much
information. “I heard you two kicked some serious flank before they dragged you here.”
“Well…yeah, I guess we did.” News travels fast. “How long have we been in here?”
“About five hours. Now, if I bust all three of us out of here, you two will handle any violent stuff we run into, and all three of us will be free as a bird in the forest. Got it?”
“Just who are you?”
“Let me guess. You’re innocent.”
“That’s what I keep saying! But no one will believe me!”
“Uh-huh. Hold on. I need to check with my friend here.” I motioned towards Ren.
“Just make it fast. I want to get out of here before they make me eat that Celestia-damned sludge again!”
There are a few things in my life I swore I would never do. Eating prison gruel is on that list.
I nearly Ran over to Ren to shake him awake.
“Ren! Get up or we’ll have to eat prison food!”
“What?” he asked sleepily. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he looked all around before settling his gaze on the bars. “Son of a bitch! I got beat by a bunch of ponies!”
“They cheated, but that’s not important right now.” I pointed back to where Fault was waiting for my answer. “That unicorn there just offered to break us out if we fight off any guards we run into.”
“And you trust her? She’s in jail! Who knows what she did!”
“Good point. Hey Fault, what ya in for?”
“I stole something,” she responded cheerily.
“See, she stole something. Not that bad.”
“What is it with you and trusting complete strangers?”
“I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.”
“That’s a bad habit. It’ll get you killed.”
“Yeah, well at least I won’t-”
“Not to interrupt or anything,” Faultless interrupts, “but we’re kind of on a limited time frame. Now are you in or out?”
He looked at me.
“Two words. Prison gruel.”
“By the Gods, not again! We’re in!” he said to her. Nothing puts fear into a man’s soul like having to eat the sludge they call food in these places.
“Great!” From her tail she pulled out…NO WAY!
“A screwdriver and bobby pin?” Ren asked.
“Yep. I prefer my boys, but these work in a pinch.” From there she got a look of upmost concentration on her face as she set out to Littlepip the lock. “Just give me a couple minutes and we’ll-”
Down at the other end of the hallway, a door opened with a creak. All three of us leaned in close to the bars to get as good a look at what was going on as possible. It appeared that a pair of guards were dragging in some new meat. What? I’m in prison; I’m allowed to say that.
The first one, surprisingly enough, is a Bast woman. She was pure black with a white underbelly and four white stripes on her face. The area under her chin was also white. She had a ton of gold piercings in her ears and was wearing what was essentially underwear. Apparently some tribes are more modest than others.
The second prisoner nearly made me shit bricks in surprise. It was a HUMAN! Or at least, it looked like a human. Kind of. The human parts were all there except for the bird feet, the red eyes, and the wings sprouting from his head. Yeah. He had wings growing from his head. Cause that makes sense.
Oh god, another one.
The guards lead the cat woman and the…thing to the cell across from us and threw them in. Just after they locked the door, the bird-man went up to the bars.
“Hang on!” he called.
“What,” the obviously annoyed guard asked.
“What if the earth orbits the sun?” he asked with a mediocre troll face plastered on his head.
“What if your girlfriend orbits my dick?” Both guards crack up as the human like creature turned a bright red color. The girl took a more aggressive route, running up to the bars and taking a swipe at the guards who easily step out of the way of the impromptu assault.
“I’m NOT his girlfriend,” she shrieked. The guards merely laughed all the harder as they walked back down the hall and slam the door behind them. I glanced at Fault. She shrugged and went back to picking the lock in the most iconic way possible.
“Those…those PRICKS!” the girl shouts. From the look on her face, there are two very stupid guards who better hope she never gets out of here.
“Hey, hey, hey, what happened t’ bein’ peaceful,” the creature said.
“Yeah, yeah…you’re right. Sorry Damien,” she said.
“Don’t mention it,” the creature (whose name is apparently Damien) said before getting a glimpse of us.
For a moment, everything is silent as the four of us just stare at each other. But every awkward silence must come to an end and I determined to end this one.
“Hey Ren, remember when you asked what a human was?”
“That, just without the bird legs and the bat wings.”
“Hmmm…honestly, not as ugly as I thought it would be.”
“Hold the phone lad,” he interjected. “How in the hell do you know what a human is?” I rolled my eyes.
“The same way you do.” His jaw dropped in surprise.
“Y…you got blasted here too?”
“No…mine hit me on the head with an umbrella,” I said sheepishly. Honestly, that had to be one of the dumbest ways to get to an alternate universe ever. Of all time.
“Ah…mine threw a magically enchanted pencil at my face.” I stand corrected. “Woke up at the beach with the biggest migraine ever.”
“Dammit! Mine made me clime down a cliff! Infested by rocs!”
“Oh gods, not the rocs again,” I heard Ren groan. “You were attacked by a giant bird. It happens. Get over it.”
“Somehow, I know that feel,” Damien says with a laugh. “Got chased by a wild boar with the biggest tusks I’ve ever seen. Your little roc experience makes my problem look…” He paused. By the gods, don’t you dare! “…boar-ing!”
“I’m going to have to hurt you for that at the earliest opportunity,” Ren said.
“Seconded,” I offer. The girl let out a loud laugh.
“Good luck assholes! We’re trapped in here!”
“How is that a good thing?” bird man asked her. She shrugged indifferently causing him to sigh. So he turned back to us. “So what’d you guys get in here for?”
“Not being a pony,” Ren growled from beside me.
“We beat up a ton of guards,” I said proudly. The way I see it, when cops start arresting people for bullshit reasons they lose all right to respect. I would gladly have beaten any of those guards senseless at that point. “You?”
“Same thing that gray one said, only I just wanted alcohol and those bastards downstairs prohibited it.”
“I told you we should have gone to Canterlot!” the woman snapped at him.
“And I told you that I am not putting up with snooty ponies if it meant receiving booze, alright?” he snapped right back. Jesus, they’re like an old married couple.
“Hold on a second,” I head Ren say from beside me. He was using that tone of voice that said ‘You are stupid; I know it, you know it, and I’m about to tell you why.’ “You came to Stalliongrad, one of the most dangerous and racist cities in Equestria, to get drunk?”
“I am not a clever man,” he deadpanned.
“I’ll say! Even I’m not that dumb and I lost my hand flipping somebody off!” I held up my wooden arm for emphasis.
“Well damn lad,” he says sympathetically. “Either yer very stupid, or ya have balls o’ steel.” At this I start to flip him off, but memories of my past experience with the gesture cause me to leave it uncompleted. And for those wondering, the answer is both. “However, that’s not important.”
“Then what is?” the girl asked.
“Freedom, me friends!”
“We’re already working on that,” Ren said. The two of us spare a sidelong glance at Fault who is still staring at the lock with intense concentration. It takes a lot less time in the games.
“Then allow me to assist ya!” He opens his palm and starts staring at it. That’s it.
Okay, what the-
“Awww yeah baby!” he shouted while twirling the scythe that just appeared in his hand. At the top was a blade shaped like the bat wings growing out of his head (still can’t get over how stupid that is) and at the bottom was a gem glowing with bright light. The shaft was wrapped in Red and Gold cloth.
“Huh…look at that,” Ren said quietly. My reaction is more along the lines of-
“HOLY SHIT!” Sorry, but that thing is cool!
“Relax, he’s got this,” the Bast said with a smile. Damien smiled in return and brought the scythe back…
Only to have it bounce off the bars uselessly.
“What the hell?” he asked the weapon. It took all of my willpower not to laugh out loud.
“Nice try kid,” Ren told him, “but if there’s one thing ponies know, it’s magic. They probably enchanted the bars to resist attack.”
“Dammit!” he yelled. The dejected…whatever he was sat down on his cot and stared at the glowing jewel on the bottom. I took another glance at Fault. She was still tinkering away with the lock. It seemed kind of convenient that we’d end up in a cell near someone able to pick the lock AND who offers to bust us out as well. Come to think of it, it also seemed pretty convenient we’d end up in a cell across from another human. I mean, what were the odds that we’d both-
“Reserare.” Somehow, I think it was Nag, I knew that meant unlock. Sure enough, when I looked across the hallway, Damien was standing right inside his open cell door with a big smile on his face. “Thank ya Reverend Peters despite your bullshit Scripture lessons!”
Wha…how did he…
The bird man walked up to our cage and tapped it with the bottom of his scythe, saying the exact same word as he did so. There was a soft click and the door swung open. Ren and I shared another look and stepped out of the cell.
So Latin doesn’t just work for the snake…I think I just gained a huge advantage here.
“Well Fault, what do you have to say about that?” I asked the unicorn as she finally opened her own cell.
“I say he cheated.” She walked up to Damien and started glaring at him. “I opened mine with pure skill. Not some fancy shmancy…whatever the hay you are trick!”
“Devil Imp Damn it.” So THAT’S what he is. Never heard of it. “Honestly, must I fucking staple a piece of paper with those words on my chest?”
“I’VE never even heard of a Devil Imp,” I told him. “I don’t think anyone around here even knows what a Bast is. You have to expect this stuff.”
“I know what a Bast is.”
“You’re dating one,” I deadpanned. The response was immediate and exactly what I was hoping for. Both of them face palmed and answered in perfect synchronization.
“We’re not dating!” Beside them I could see Fault rolling her eyes. I shared yet another knowing look with Ren.
“Right.” His eye started to twitch. A feel I know quite well.
“Let’s…let’s just go. This is not the time for that.”
“He’s right,” Fault piped up. “Remember what I said about the beating? And solitary? We need to get moving before the guards find out we’re gone.”
“Yeah, yeah. Quick introductions. I’m Jack or Khajiit, whichever you prefer. He’s Ren, she’s Faultless. And you?”
“I’m Damien, she’s Kaileena.” The woman waved at us. “Let’s get your weapons and get the hell out of here. I take it you know where they are?”
“Probably in the first floored armory,” Fault said helpfully. “That’s where they keep confiscated weapons until they find someone to buy them.”
Having a bullshit weapon law to keep the non-ponies suppressed while earning some extra bits on the side from the exotic weapon trade. I got to hand it to whoever’s in charge, that’s a really smooth plan.
“Correct,” Kaileena told her. “Let’s get moving.”
“Like hell I’m letting them sell those swords! I’ve had them for years!” I thought about mentioning to Ren that since he gave one to me, he technically only owned one of them. After hearing the pure rage in his voice, I decided it was a bad idea and instead turned back to the others.
“We could probably fight our way down there if we need to. After all, you have that…thing and I have this.” I removed my fake hand to reveal my dagger in all its glory. I know I should probably keep my hidden weapons hidden, but I just love the look of surprise people get on their face when they see it for the first time. A look that says ‘Holy shit! That guy’s armed!’
Does that count as a pun?
“Nice!” Damien commented. You’re not the only one with a badass weapon pal. “Ever pull an Assassin’s Creed with that?”
“Once…kind of…it was on this rat-chick that was going to have me stuffed after she raped me to death,” I told him as the five of us began our escape. Unfortunately, we were on the end of this floor, so we had to pass every other prison here. And boy did they WHINE!
“Please let us out!”
“We wanna go too!”
“Please! I beg of you!”
I mostly tried to ignore them. They wouldn’t help me if our positions were reversed and I have no idea what they’re in here for. Equestria doesn’t seem like a death penalty type of place, so some of these guys might be serial killers or something! I only let Fault come because she could open her cell door anyway and if we tried to put her back in, she’d probably call the guards.
I gotta hand it to the Devil Imp though. He took time out of his day to personally flip every single one of them off.
At the end of the hall we found a door. It was a simple matter to unlock it with that new charm the Imp has and we slipped out into the stairwell. I noticed the door has a large number five on it. I don’t know if there is any significance to putting us on the fifth floor or if it’s just random.
It was a short trip down a curved staircase to reach the bottom. During the walk, I managed to get a glimpse of Fault’s mark. It was a plain keyhole with a screwdriver leaning on it. Made sense for a thief. Sure enough, when we got to the bottom a door with a pair of sleeping guards next to it was in plain view. Damien looked at us.
“Quiet Bast with soft paws first?”
“Yeah, yeah we know the drill.” As silent as a calm wind, Ren and I ran up to the guards and took positions on either side of them. Ren held up his hand with three fingers extended.
Before they could make a sound, we grabbed their heads and bashed them together as hard as possible. They connected with a dull clang from their helmets and the two slacker guards collapsed onto the floor. Without a second glance at them, we slipped into the armory.
The inside is, well, an armory. Not much else to it. Weapons that were completely impractical for quadrupeds line the walls next to the near useless guard armor. I know it looks cool in the show, but I could probably single handedly take on an entire battalion of these idiots if I wanted to kill them.
One section in the back is different. It’s swamped in a wide variety of exotic gear. Spears, swords, axes, shield, things I didn’t have a name for, all just hanging there waiting to become cash in some guards pocket. I could see Erebus resting on some pegs. Lux, however, was currently being examined by a reedy looking unicorn.
I heard him emit a soft growl as he walked in front of me.
“Really high quality design. It’s almost as air!” the poor soul muttered. “Not sure what material it is, but it’s remarkably sturdy. I wonder how much use it has seen.”
“Well, just recently it killed a lot of Diamond Dogs.”
“Ah, now that will bring down the price a bit, though you might be able to spin…”
Slowly, he turned his terrified face towards the glowering Ren.
“SWEET LUNA NOT THE FACE!”
Ren cold-clocked him (in the face) with one punch. The little twerp looks stunned for a moment before falling onto the floor with a bloody nose. Ren put on a satisfied smirk.
“You can come in now,” he called out to the others. I walk up next to him and the two of us return our swords to their rightful places. I’d gotten much better at working buckles and straps with on hand. Which is good cause needing help with everything was just getting tiring.
“Whoa Ren, for an old fart, you’re good at this ‘beat the shit out of people’ thing,” Damien exclaimed as the other three escapees walked into the room. Kaileena quickly ran up to a curved sword in the wall and strapped it on.
“I should be. I’ve been doing this for probably twice as long as you’ve been alive,” Ren said with a laugh. Over in one corner, Fault was busy digging through a bin. She came up with a pair of saddlebags the same color as her coat which she wasted no time putting on. Then, out of the blue, she pulled a leather case out and kissed it.
“It’s okay boys, mommy’s here.”
“Okay…I’m going to pretend that never happened,” Kaileena muttered.
“Agreed,” Damian said. Fault cast a scornful look his way. “Don’t look at me like that! You’re th’ one talkin’ to leather cases and shit.”
“What? You name your weapons! Why can’t I name my things?”
“Touché…Let’s just get the hell out of here.”
“Agreed,” I told him. “Besides, this is usually the moment where-”
“THE PRISONERS ARE ESCAPING!”
“Goddammit! Every time!”
We all turn to see a guard standing open mouthed in the doorway next to the two slackers who were probably going to get fired later.
“Aw Christ!” the Imp screams. He quickly grabs a bandolier off the wall and pulls a vial from it. He chucks said glass tube at the guard which explodes in a cloud of mist. The guard wobbles for a moment, then falls over unconscious.
However the fight is far from over as more guards pour from out of the woodworks and attack us head on. The imp starts launching vial after vial at the ponies trying to storm in through the door. Short story shorter, it ends with a pile of unconscious ponies tripping the other ponies trying to crawl over them.
Wow, they really need to train their guards better.
“Aw shit I’m out!” Damien suddenly shouted. “Now what?”
I looked at Ren who had a devilish smile on his face. A smile I copied the second I realized what his plan was.
In the exact same moment, the two of us charged the rest of the guards. The looks on the faces of those ponies is something I’m going to treasure for the rest of my life. Along with the extremely satisfying beat-down that followed. I won’t bore you with the details since it wasn’t as exciting as my other fight, but a lot of ponies in a confined space added to two really pissed off Bast equals a lot of concussions.
When the deed was done, I turned back to my companions to see looks of appropriate awe on their faces.
Despite being arrested, this is turning out to be one of my better days.
With the guards dealt with, we were able to retrieve the rest of our things, including my satchel (they took the money, but left the potions). Then we left, concluding what I’m sure was one of the shortest jail times in this prison’s history.
Without a word, the five of us ran out the front door of the tower and into the crowd. We turned west without stopping. Somewhere along the line, we had made an unspoken agreement to stick together until we got out of the city. The fact that me and Ren would have to get back into the city didn’t occur until later.
We ran until we reached the western bridge. Which was barricaded. With angry ponies holding spears behind the fortifications.
Well this was fun. If we hurry, we might be able to escape down a side alley-
“EVERYONE GRAB ONTO ME!”
Or we could just go with whatever plan the Imp’s thought up.
Not really having time to think, we followed Damien’s instructions (except for Fault who wraped herself around one of my legs). Then the Imp shouts:
Those idiotically placed wings of his flared open and he started flying at the bridge with all of us holding on for dear life. In a rather impressive display, he broke through the makeshift barricades they made and flew us off over the river.
The second we leave the ground I felt my stomach drop out and some slight fear creep up my spine. I suppressed both and focus on keeping my grip.
“Did you see that?”
“Yes…which one did you want me to focus on?”
“The brown cat…thing.”
“And who were the others? You mentioned the silver one, but the other cat, the unicorn, and that…thing slip my mind.”
“I…I honestly have no idea.”
“Hmmm…if any of them come back into the city inform me immediately. We may have found exactly what we’re looking for and I don’t want this chance slipping away.”
“You’ll know the second they set hide or hair into our borders!”
We flew for a time, away from the city and its assholic guards. But all things must end eventually. And we had a very interesting landing by a small pond. In the Firefly sense.
“Never again,” Kaileena hissed as she pulled herself off the ground.
“Seconded,” Faultless groaned in response.
“I hate flying,” Ren growled.
“Would ya rather we have gotten caught?” Damien deadpans while he picked himself up.
“He has a point,” I said from the dirt. “And I will figure out what it is as soon as the earth stops spinning.”
I tried to bring myself to my feet, but ended up falling over which elicited a small laugh from the unicorn.
“So where do ya all plan on headin’ now? Any place specific?” Damien asked. I decided to let Ren answer for me since my mind is still trying to figure out which way is up.
“We need to get back into Stalliongrad,” Ren said solemnly. “The two of us have business there.”
“Not with those guards swarming everywhere. I’m sure they’re already putting up wanted posters right now,” Kaileena warned.
“And the only way in is for me to fly you guys to your destination. So…” I watched as Ren’s expression slowly turned more sour as the thought of another flight entered his head.
“Actually that’s not true.” He turned his hopeful gaze to Faultless. “There are other ways into the city.”
“Which are?” he asked with enthusiasm. Man, he does not like flying.
“There’s an old sewer entrance on this side the guards don’t know about. I can show you if you want.”
“So…we either fly or go through a stinking sewer,” he said. I could just see one of his eyes start to twitch.
“Your choice lad,” the Imp interjected.
For a moment, there was silence as he thought. I was in no condition to think so I just laid on the ground, finally starting to get my equilibrium back in order.
“Well…we should at least see this entrance before we make a decision,” he said with a sigh.
“Sounds good!” I was finally able to pull myself into a crouch. Flying really does a number on me.
“Hey Khajiit!” I turned to Damien, who was grinning at me for some reason. “This is supposed to be an intervention! Where is everypony?”
Okay that’s probably a quote, but from what. Wait…someone commented that once with a link…
“Applejack’s in a coma, Rarity’s being held captive by Mexicans, Fluttershy’s in the nuthouse, and Rainbow Dash’s dead. Any more questions, smartass?” I said with the ghost of a smile on my face which almost immediately turns into a confused frown. “Is that from the .MOV thing? Those videos freak me the fuck out!” He laughed.
“Dude, once you get used to HotDiggedyDemon’s work and creepypasta, it’s not that bad.”
“I call bullshit on that, but whatever.” I stood up and started rubbing my temples in an attempt to drive out some of the soreness that had infested itself in my head. It doesn’t work. “I’ve only seen the science one, but I swore off them after Twilight shit herself on camera. There are a few things I’ve never wanted to see in my life and cartoon pony shit was on that list.”
“Oh Lord, you do strike a point there lad,” he said with a laugh. “So... you guys're gonna head back into a city where you not only got arrested, but you're also probably being searched all over for an’ also probably wanted for escape, assault, an’ not being a pony?”
“Not the most dangerous thing we’ve ever done. They’re just ponies after all,” Ren said smugly.
“Ponies that kicked your ass,” I remind him.
“Not fair! They cheated!”
“Gentlemen?” Kaileena said, stopping our budding argument in its tracks.
“This is a last call.” I didn’t blame the two of them for leaving. You can get booze anywhere. We actually need to be here. “I’m heading to Ponyville. Then Canterlot. But are you sure you don’t want me to fly you guys over where you need to go?”
“I would like to point out that I also know a place we can hide for a while,” the thief called out helpfully.
“I think we’ll be fine with the sewers,” he told the Imp.
Sounds like it’s going to be a shitty time. Oh God, puns are contagious!
“Thanks for all your help.” I held out my good hand for him to shake. He did then moved on to both Ren and Fault.
“No problem me friends,” he cheerily responds. “I honestly hope we cross paths again someday. Until then, safe travels an’ happy adventuring!”
“It was really nice meeting you three,” Kaileena threw in. “I also can’t wait to meet you all again someday.”
“Likewise,” I told her. Ren gave the two of them a nod.
“If you’re ever back this way, look me up in a bar called The Hall. You two seem like a lot of fun,” Fault added, throwing in a wink.
The Imp and his Bast girlfriend waved goodbye and headed west. We watched them for a time before they faded from view.
“Well…that could have gone much worse,” Ren stated.
“I’ll say. He didn’t try to kill us,” I said with a laugh.
“This was definitely one of the most exciting, and weird, days of my life!” Fault said happily. “Now come on. We have to get moving unless you want to miss the show?” The unicorn started walking back towards the city, humming a short tune I think we’d all recognize.
Son of a bitch. They do know it.
“Wait a second…” Ren said, sounding suspicious, “what do you mean by show?”
A cross over with ShadowWeaver’s Leather Winged Oddity. Why? Because we could.