1- Ritz sleep under a tree because he did not sleep too much
With Sweet Apple Acres behind you, a belly full of food, and (remarkably) both your body and your cover still intact, you walk down the street until you reach Ponyville proper. You're about to reach Ponyville when suddenly you feel groggy. You're about to question why when you remember that;
1. It was the middle of the night when you brought the Cutie Mark Crusaders home
2. You were awakened by that gorram rooster (Note to Self: Eat more fried chicken if I can find it in this land)
3. You just had a big breakfast so The Itis is kicking in
With that you decide to take a short nap under a nearby tree,
ONE NAP LATER
Erised the ink-moth's comment
Waking up feeling more refreshed, you continue on to Ponyville. You have to admit, for having the reputation of being a "backwater town", Ponyville is actually pretty decent in size. There are several blocks of houses, most of them either one or two stories tall with typical wood and thatched roof construction. Ducking through a short side ally, you come to some sort of farmers' market, with stalls selling all types of produce, and even a few selling trinkets, odds and ends, and comic books-
Wait... comic books? You love comic books! Sure, you like the movie adaptations more (usually) (1), but still!
You quickly maneuver your way through the crowd and up to the stand where a bored looking mare with an outlandishly styled mane is filing her hooves behind the counter. She doesn't even look up to acknowledge your presence.
"Ahem." you loudly clear your throat, causing her to flick her eyes upward to you.
Only now that she's taken a good look at your attire does her attention stick. "Oh- um... yes. Hello, what can I help you with good sir?" she asks, clearly trying to kiss up to you.
"Oh I just noticed you have quite a lot of quality reading material on display here, and I was hoping to browse a bit." you tell her, letting the charm flow a bit.
"Oh of course, you must be one of those Canterlot types, or perhaps Manehatten or Las Pegasus." the mare says as she pulls a few issues from the displays beside her, "I can always count on you big city types to be interested in fashion... Unlike these slobs around here."
"Fashion? Well I guess this suit is pretty nice, but I wouldn't really say I'm-" you pause in your suave rambling when you notice something distinctly off about these comic books... something horribly wrong. Where you thought you saw masked vigilantes standing heroically atop a moonlit building, you can now see that they're actually stallions in suits and masquerade masks on a spotlit stage, and the action-y announcements were actually advertisements for the latest in mare's fashion tips.
You look up at the mare who hadn't stopped talking gossip while you made your horrifying revelation. "This is a fashion magazine." you say coldly, "These are all fashion magazines."
"Well yeah. What did you think they were?" she asks you.
"I thought you were selling comic books, or you know... something horrorshow." you respond with a small wave of your hoof, to which she balks at you.
"Comic books!?" She exclaims before seething at you, "Get out."
"We are out." you gesture to the open space around you, which only makes her glare at you harder, "Okay, I can take a hint. Let me know when you wise up and start selling the good stuff!" you call as you throw the magazine right in her face and continue on your way.
"NEEEEEEERRRRRD!" she screams after you.
"Vanity obsessed merchant of shallow deception and lameness!" you retort.
3- Ritz maybe think about take out the Main Six and give them to Chrysalis.
In a sore mood after that encounter, you mind wanders to dark thoughts,
Since I'm here, I should do some reconnaissance. With any luck, I could discover the weaknesses of the Elements of Harmony, take em out, and then give them to my Queen. That'll show these ponies!
You then mentally facehoof before thinking,
D'oh! My Hive is imprisoned in some castle in Chrysalis-knows-where! And taking on all 6 of those Mares at once? What the buck am I thinking? Gah, just focus on the here and now. For all I know, the Hive is probably defunct now anyway.
Erised the ink-moth's comment
So after stumbling around the market for a while and having to admit to admit to yourself that you're completely lost, you decide it's time to get a decent layout of the town. And truly, there is only one respectable way to go about it...
"Sir! I have to insist you get down from there before you hurt yourself!" a random pegasus yells to you as you cling to the side of the town hall with your changeling hooves and the aid of your Aquilla Talon hook.
"And please do it before you break anything!" Mayor Mare yell up from the ground "We can't afford to fix the roof again this month!"
"I know what I'm doing, jeez! I'm just trying to get a look around." you snap at the ponies as you scramble up onto a flat surface near the top of the three-story building before kneeling forward. It's quite a view from up here; you can see all around the town and how it all sort of fans out in layers around the town hall, first the market and shops, then the residential district, and finally a schoolhouse and a hospital in the far distance with the Apple family orchard in the opposite direction.
"Alright you had your look, now will you please let me get you down from here?" the pegasus asks nervously.
"Nah, I got this." you tell him, and with a quick motion you take a leap of faith off the platform.
"Nnoooooooo!" the pegasus yells as he flies after you while a group of ponies gathered below gasp in shock.
You freefall for about a second towards a conveniently placed pile of hay, before you backflip, and feel the soft cushioning feel of it gently breaking your fa*Crunch!*
You stand there, frozen, screaming in silent pain as you think you broke your back.
"I told everypony we needed a better place to hide all our shiny rocks." a pony in glasses says like a know-it-all.
Note to Self: Check all bales of hay ahead of time BEFORE a Leap of Faith. you think as your about to heal yourself, but then realize that might blow your cover seeing how everypony nearby heard that crack.
"Sir... are you alright?" the pegasus says hesitantly as he flutters down beside you.
"My spine..." you whimper pathetically.
Honestly, how could this get worse?
ONE "YOU JUST HAD TO SAY IT" LATER
It's worse. It's worse!
"Nonono! Up! Fly up!" you scream in terror as you're pulled though the air in the most erratic flying you've experienced since changeling flight camp "No, not towards the trees!"
"Stop squirming around so much, it's dangerous." the bubbly, cross-eyed pegasus tells you even as she flies through an active construction zone, barely missing the steel girders. When she said she'd give you a lift to the hospital because it was on her delivery route anyway, you wondered why everypony gave the two of you such nervous looks. Well now you wonder no more! "Why did you even jump like that? We were all so worried about you when you started climbing up the town hall."
Normally you'd give an articulate response as to how you knew exactly what you were doing at the time and how it should have worked, unfortunately with your current motion sickness and fear of dying, all you can manage to say is, "I just don't know what went wrong!"
The pegasus blushes. "Yeah, I know how that feels."
"Oh no, not the circus! Anything but the circus!" you cry out as she flies you both through a circus tent and you're forced to become an impromptu addition to the trapeze act.
"Grrrahhh! This can NOT be good for my spine!"
So after Derpy, the friendly cross-eyes pegasus, finally found her sense of direction and dropped you off at the hospital (along with a shipment of teddy bears for some reason) you were wheeled into urgent care and told to wait for the nurse to see you, but now that you're finally out of sight, you simply use your healing spell to fix your broken back, albeit expending all the energy you got from breakfast that morning.
As you get off the bed, a heavyset earth pony nurse with a pink coat and striped mane kicks in the door, equipped with a healing lazer-gun, a bandoleer of syringes, and a look like she's ready to single-hoofedly fight every ailment on the planet at once.
"Woah! Woah! Woah!" you exclaim, "There has been a serious mix-up here!"
"Wait, didn't you have a broken back sir?" the Nurse asks in confusion.
"Nah, I'm just here for a Doctor's Note for my condition."
Imagine her disappointment when you tell her there's been a mix-up, and you're just here for a doctor's note for proof on your "Special" disease before she says,
"Okay. Follow me sir and I'll ask Doctor Horse to write you a Doctor's Note."
"Doctor's Note"
Added to Saddlebags
After leaving the hospital, you notice that it's barely noon. After going through all of that though, you think something you haven't though in a long while.
"I need a drink." you grumble to yourself as you set off to find the bar you noticed before you took your failed leap of faith.
BrownDog77's comment
Well, if your experience in quest arcade games is anything to go by, you can always find a quest by asking the bartender for rumors around town.
When you walk in the bar, you see a Purple Mare with a grapes & strawberry Cutie Mark behind the counter.
"Why hello sir, what can I do for you today?" she asks.
"Hello, I'm new in town and I was wondering if you knew of any rumors?" you ask in turn.
"Um... about what?"
"You know, strange happenings, people looking for jobs, stuff like that."
"Well I can let you know, if you buy a drink." she says.
"*sigh* Get me a milk," you then slap down a Bit onto the counter, "Chocolate."
On cue, a glass of chocolate milk slides down the counter out of nowhere and into your hoof.
"Not much of a drinker eh?" she asks.
"Nah, not so much. (2) In fact, I have this old wine bottle that I have no idea what to do with," you tell her taking the Old Bottle of Wine out.
She takes one look at the bottle and her eyes widen in awe.
"M-Mr... That there is a 982 bottle from the Vino Collection of Old Canterlot!"
"Uh... is that good?" you ask obliviously.
"That wine you are holding is over 1,000 years old from the early days of the Equestrian Kingdom! I thought there were only a dozen intact bottles left of it in the world!"
"Whoa! Potent stuff then huh?"
"Of course, even just uncorking it and sniffing it would cause you to get black out drunk," she says drooling.
"Dang. How much would this stuff sell for?"
"Ponies would sell for any high price you set. They'd give their limbs for that..." she says in awe.
"Really?" you ask.
"Mr. I would become your own personal anything-goes slave just to have a whiff of that liquid goodness," she says giving you seductive eyes.
Your eyes widen at that, and you quickly put it away. "OK, yeah I don't think that's necessary. Think I'll just hold on to that for awhile still," you say causing her eyes to become downtrodden.
"Old Bottle of Wine" renamed "Vino Collection 982 Wine"
"Thanks for the drink though, Mrs..."
"MS. Berry Punch," she emphasizes, "But they also call me Berryshine. Let me know if you change your mind," she says with a smile and a wink.
"Yeah... Um, do you know where a fella can get a game of poker started around here?" you ask trying to change the subject.
2-Ritz cheat in poker as he sense the emotions of the other players and have experience reading faces
Down With Chrysalis's comment
SEVERAL POKER GAMES LATER
I guess this is luck's way of making up for breaking my spine. you comment as you leave the tavern in a "huff" with more Bits in your Saddlebags.
The fact that your changeling-ness allows you to senses other's emotions helps you reveal their bluffs and your face-covering scarf combined with your training gives you one hay of a Poker Face. Combined with your previous experience working undercover at a Las Pegasus casino, you were easily able to clean house, but you where sure to purposefully lose "big" a few times as not to draw suspicion. One thing you learned as a dealer is that there's nothing more suspicious in a casino then a uninterrupted winning streak.
Seeing how I'll be leaving this place eventually, I might as well stock up on supplies. you decide and proceed to head back to the market area and go shopping with your winnings,
Used Blanket
2 Rolls of Duct Tape
2 Cans of WD-40
3 Bottles of Painkillers (While you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward if you don't have enough love or food to heal. Hope fully Max Pain rules work out better than Assassin's Vow rules)
5 Bottles of Orange-Cream Energy Shots (Keeps normal ponies hyper-actively awake and alert for 5 hours before a sleepy crash, but for Changelings it just jolts them awake. Chrysalis even experimented with using Energy Shots to eliminate the need for sleep in her drones only to give up on the idea when excessive use of Energy Shots causes Changeling's livers and kidneys to explode)
7 Cans of Apple Slices
7 Boxes of Ritz Crackers (You did name yourself after them)
7 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
7 Cans of Cream of Potato Soup
Added to Saddlebags
81 Bits remaining
As you walk away from the market, you hear a voice call,
"Pssst. Hey!"
You turn your head to see a shady looking pony in an alley with a trenchcoat. You're about to just move on (and prepare Aquila Talon if the pony gets aggressive) when he opens his coat and says,
"Wanna buy some smokes?"
Seeing an opening to quote the only funny part of Assault of the Clones you say,
"You don't want to sell m-" suddenly your eyes widen, "Wait, are those Shi Bàngs?" (3)
"Yes indeed. All 13 Flavors smuggled straight from Neighpon; Cinnamon, Coffee, Green Tea, Mint, Apple, Ramen, Clean Laundry, you name it."
Seeing those cigarettes trigger more memories. You remember that Equestria has extensive anti-smoking laws (there are anti-smoking ads everywhere) and flavored cigarettes are explicitly banned. However, changelings are immune to the many harmful effects of smoking due to their toxin-resistant physiology so they are noticeably popular among drones (officers preferred cigars). Quite a few changelings smoke for disguises, the flavor, the smell, or even just cause they think it looks cool. You were in the latter as you took up smoking to emulate badflank characters from Cowpony Bebop, Iron Gear Solid, and Blade Trotter to name a few... Only to discover that normal cigarettes taste horrible and abandon the idea. You then discovered the Shi Bàng brand of flavored/scented Neighponese cigarettes during a mission in Las Pegasus and they became your brand of choice (favorite flavor being Cherry-Vanilla), but even then that was only occasional as they were rare to come by. However, now you have a lighter, a cigarette case, and some Bits...
"Get me all your packs of Cherry-Vanilla."
"Sorry, only have one pack of that left. How about Tong Sui?" he offers.
"No thanks, just give me the pack of Cherry-Vanilla then." you respond with a hint of dejection.
"That'll be 10 Bits."
As soon as you get the pack, you proceed to empty the cigarettes into your "Gold Cigarette Case".
Pack of 20 Cherry-Vanilla Cigarettes added to "Gold Cigarette Case"
71 Bits remaining
"You never saw me..." the shady pony says before disappearing back into the shadows of the alley.
"Just don't sell to foals." you call after him.
"I don't anyway. They never have enough Bits." he responds.
As you exit the alley you hear a voice cry,
"Look out!"
You look up in shock only for a gray mass of fur and feathers to slam into you.
"Back so soon Derpy?" you snark as the mailmare gets off you.
"Sorry, but I have a letter for you." she says as she reaches into the mailbag and pulls out a small letter that she hooves to you.
"Thanks." you say as you accept the letter and hoof Derpy a Bit.
"Thank you. Have a nice day." she responds before flying off. You read the letter and it says,
Dear Mr. Ritz DeWitt,
Please come to Sugarcube Corner.
Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie
P.S. Don't worry I didn't tell anypony about your Secret Identity
"Okay... But I have no idea what, let alone where, this 'Sugarcube Corner' even is." you say to yourself before you notice it says more on the back.
P.P.S. Twilight reminds me that you're new in town so Sugarcube Corner is the building near the marketplace that looks like a Gingerbread House.
"Well that's convenient." you comment as you make your way over to the place in the letter. When you arrive at the front of the bakery, you can sense the emotions of several ponies inside and you swore you saw a poofy pink mane dart up to the window before quickly darting back out of sight. At this, the only thing going through your mind is,
Obvious ambush is obvious.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
go to suggercube corner
Sensing the obvious ambush from the building, you go around to the backdoor, lockpick your way in, and use your stealth skills to sneak inside and see multiple ponies hiding in shadows.
Amateurs. you mentally smirk at their "stealth" skills. Looking around at all the ponies waiting for you, your mischievous side takes over. You use your changeling hooves to climb up the wall and onto the ceiling before sneaking over to Rarity hiding behind a vase who was the closest pony. Your about to say something when you realize,
Wait, non-Pegasi can't walk on walls or ceilings. Better maintain my cover.
With that you whisper "Aquila's Talon" as quietly as you can causing your bracelet to turn into the bracer before you whisper to Rarity below you.
"So... who are we ambushing?" you whisper to her.
"Ssshhh! We're going to surprise Mr. DeWitt when he comes in here with a surprise party. Be quiet or you'll ruin it," Rarity hissed in a whisper.
"Why are we giving him a party again?"
"Because, he's new in town and saved my sister and her friends. Now keep it down, or you'll ruin it. Pinkie goes through alot of trouble for these parties. Honestly darling, weren't you there when Pinkie explain-"
*shink*
Rarity's voice trailed off at the sound of your hookblade deploying and she looks up to see a pair of blue orbs in the darkness.
"Hi." you smirk.
"KKKKYYYYAAA!" Rarity screamed, jumping back in surprise and backing into a wall. All the ponies in the room jumped at the sound of the scream and the lights come on to reveal a smiling "pony" in a suit hanging onto the ceiling.
Using the hookblade to latch onto a hole in the celing, you drop back down to the floor
"Good evening everyli-er pony," you say with a smile beneath your scarf as you fix your tie.
All the ponies looked at you in surprise, while a certain pink pony walks right up to you in a fury.
"RITZ!!! YOU RUINED MY SURPRISE!! AND AFTER I SPENT SO LONG PLANNING!!!"
Cruel Chrysalis, she's bucking terrifying! you think before you hastily say,
"Sorry, sorry! My old training kicked in and I couldn't resist!"
Pinkie narrowed her eyes and frowned, but eventually turned back to the other ponies with a smile.
In order to get on everyling's good side again, you decide to order drinks for the Elements. You remember all the different drinks you learned about back at the hive and the personalities that usually drink them, so you use that knowledge...only for it not to be true for most the mares.
You then enter a drinking contest with some of the more daring Mares, like Rainbow Dash, Vinyl Scratch, and Berry Punch, who keeps asking about your bottle of wine. But yeah, with your tolerance you think you'll win, but Pinkie keeps holding on, and it gets to the point where your tongue burns.
The next morning you wake up and actually have a headache, meaning you over did your drinking to the point of actual intoxication. You facehoove at this and notice you have a wedding band around your anklet.
"Uh-oh..."
About the question... Suddenly I can only think of One Piece smokers and the best one is "Smoker"
-------
As you begin to walk to Sugarcube corner you can see that Ponyville is suddenly a ghost town as there is no one walking around, something very strange because you remember a little after that damn rooster awakened you and how it was full of activity.
"Crap... They discovered me and they decide to hide... It must be a trap, the moment I enter in there possibly are going to ambush me" Mutter Ritz worried looking around.
Ritz begin to take the path to outside of the city, just as he was a couple of steps of leaving Ponyville, he looked to the left and the right, checking that there was nopony around, after that before he could move the hoof and walk away, the strange pink pony from the night before appeared, even when Ritz was very sure that one second ago there was no one around.
"Hi! What are you doing here? Did you not get the note?" Ask the pink pony looking to the changeling with a creepy smile directly to the eyes
"Uhhh.... Err.... I was looking around the beauty of the town and I think I take the wrong path... He He He" Say Ritz forcing himself to laugh, even when he was very worried by the pink pony
"Oh, no problem, I can guide you, but it's strange... My Pinkie Sense was telling me that a changeling around here was going to broke a Pinkie Promise, but there is no changeling around..." Comment Pinkie still with the creepy smile looking around
"A... A Changeling? Why are you sure it's a changeling and what it's that about a Pinkie Promise?" Ask Ritz as he suddenly remember the night before
FLASHBACK
"I Pinkie Promise not to leave tomorrow or leave you three behind in exchange for your help... Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Say Ritz
FLASHBACK END
"Uhhh... It's a combo, Twitchy tail, ear flop, ear flop, twitchy tail and itchy nose means a Changeling is going to break a Pinkie Pomise, meanwhile ear flop, ear flop, twitchy tail and stomachache means a minotaur is going to break a Pinkie Promise and a doozy with a twitchy tail and ear flop, means Discord is going to make a friend smile..." Commented Pinkie Pie as she begin to talk and talk and talk
Meanwhile, you could remember a little talk you take in your game of poker, and the strange rumors of the pink mare and what did she do to those that break one of those Pinkie Promises, existed the rumor that if you break one, she killed you and put you in cupcakes, another rumor was that she followed you even to Tartarus without stopping talking and talking, there was even a rumor that commented that she could transform in a white pegasus and begin to throw magical beams that could defeat even Celestia but there was no proof of any of that as no one dared to break a Pinkie Promise fearing what the Pink Mare could do to them, or if someone managed to break it, it was not around anymore to tell it.
Ritz resigned and go back to Ponyville, leaving the pink pony talking and talking, it was obvious that he was not going to be able to get out of the city so he was going to need to do something else.
Pinkie Pie asks what your favorite cake is and you reply the Tomato Soup Cake. Twilight comments how it's a recipe by author Silver Path and according to her personal journals, Silver wrote some of her most famous poems while baking that cake.
Specifically, you say you like it triple-layered, without the raisins and nuts, covered in ALOT of cream cheese frosting, and it tastes like carrot cake and cream cheese frosting with an aftertaste of creamy tomato basil soup. And it has to be shakend, not stirred.
The CMC's older sisters give you a gift box at the party for saving their little sisters.
After the party, go to the CMC clubhouse and have a smoke before going to sleep in the outpost (upper building part of the Clubhouse with the telescope)
Big Boss for the most Awesome Smoker!
With one bite of the cake itself, you suddenly felt the need to vomit and fart rainbows. How golden smokes it is euphoric! You can feel the fluff from the cream, the warmth of the bread, and the burst of happiness from the strawberry on top. Never before have you ever taste something so...divine. ...A-are you in heaven?
"Overlord Grumpy Kitten?" you began to say to a hallucination, formed by your tastebuds's enlightenment. "Have you finally decided to let me pet you?"
"Um," Twilight says. "Are you okay?"
You reply wistfully, "No, I think I have tasted...the rainbow! Lift me rainbow! Lift me to where all the kittens go!"
Behind you, a certain rainbow daredevil just stares at you for that. "Uh, ew? Dude, that's just weird." When you ignore her, she began to point at you, facing her friends, twirling a hoof over her ear with another hoof. Well, coo coo in the loco indeed. "It's like he has never eaten cake before!" she says.
"Rainbow!" Twilight scolds.
Suddenly, just as quickly as the euphoria came, it disappears. With all the blood sugar finally crashing, you immediately black out and went careening to the floor. ...Only to jerk back awake with a start.
"How?! What?!" you blurt, "What was THAT?!"
That shouldn't have happened. Your body resist toxins, so of course you shouldn't even black out even for a second! Did they put legitimate poison in it? But even that wouldn't work if it's meant for normal ponies... A thought suddenly makes you freeze in place. Oh, Chrysalis! Do they know you are changeling, and they got poison made specifically for you?!
"What was in that?!" you shout.
Pinkie smiles. "Sugar!"
6486669 And suddenly I imagine Ritz taking Twilight and dancing a tango...
6486669
6486247
6485616
6485690
Don't forget to leave your answer for the chapter's question:
Who is the coolest smoker in fiction?
Also, it's a party and there are more ponies in Ponyville than just the Mane 6 that Ritz could meet and interact with... Hint hint
Buy a ball, wrap it and give it to Pinkie Pie, hopefully with the same results as in Banned from from Equestria
As for your question, Archchancellor Ridcully.
As regards the smoking issue...
Random seller; Hey, wanna buy deathsticks?
Obi-wan; You don't want to sell me deathsticks.
Seller; Ah, I don't wanna sell ya deathsticks.
Obi-wan- You want to go home and rethink your life.
Seller; I want to go home and rethink my life.
To answer the Question... I either don't know or can't remember a "cool" smoker off the top of my head. Captain Gloval in Robotech is the only one I can immediately think of, with the possible exception of James Bond, and Gloval isn't even shown smoking much.
Try to gauge their intentions through the emotions you detect before deciding to go inside.
The Coolest Smoker is the Sheriff of Fable Town Himself, Bigby Wolf. (From the Comic Fables, and the Tell Tale Game, The Wolf Among Us)
dustycartridges.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/The-Wolf-Among-Us-Episode-2-Smoke-and-Mirrors-Out-on-February-4.jpg
The Big Bad Wolf constantly has a Huff and Puff in his mouth since he's a Quasi-Immortal being who has to keep other Fables in line. And there's a reason all the others fear him. He's a Bad Ass MoFo. Being a wolf, his nose is much stronger than normal, even in human form, so he's constantly puffing on his Cigs to mask all the scents of our world more bearable. But he looks cool as hell doing so.
i.imgur.com/WRijxQu.jpg
After apologizing to Pinkie, and allowing her to get enough sugar in her system to mellow out after the unexpected outrage of having one of her surprises actually anticipated and turned upside down, she asks you what kind of cake you'd like for your party.
6486081
She bounces off to the kitchen afterwards, humming a tune like she had never even been mad in the first place.
"Uh, should I be worried about her?" you ask the rest of her friends.
"Nah, Pinkie isn't one to hold a grudge." Rainbow shrugs "Unless you break a pinkie promise." she adds with a slight shiver.
You nod, but keep it in mind for later. In the meantime, you figure you should acquaint yourself with the rest of the ponies who showed up to the party, most of which you could have sworn you saw while you were wandering around town. You haven't really gotten a plan together yet, and gathering intel will help in the long run. It should be especially easy since a few of them have already surrounded you and are currently invading your personal space! Honestly... what is it with ponies and physical contact?!
"Uh... hi?" you stammer as a bright pink mare with a slicked back mane and tail leans in uncomfortably close.
"Well hello there mister DeWitt," she says in a sexy accent "I'm Aloe, my sister and I run a spa here in Ponyville. Maybe you could stop by for a treatment sometime."
Okay, aside from how relaxing that sounds, there's quite a few things you can see going wrong with that scenario. Most notably the fact that you've got nothing but chitin and scaryness under your clothes. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm not really comfortable with anypony else touching me like that or seeing me without clothes on; besides I have a skin condition." you make your readily available excuses.
Aloe just looks at you more deeply though. "Oh that's okay, we don't get that many customers. It'd just be me helping you with your... 'condition'." dear Chrysalis, the smell of bath salts and shampoo on her coat is intoxicating!
"Aloe!" scolds another mare who looks just like her but with her color scheme flipped as she pulls Aloe's hooves off of your shoulders. Weird, when did Aloe get that close? "Sorry about my sister, she's a bit of a flirt with the stallions. Still, she's right, business has been a bit slow lately and we'd love it if you'd come give our sauna a visit. We'll even give you a discount if you bring a friend."
You consider her offer, and finally tell her you'll think about it. It seemed to satisfy her and she managed to wrestle her sister away from you to let you have some chat time with the other guests too.
"Hah, she thinks I didn't see what they did right there." you think to yourself while making your way to the punch "I saw the whole thing, send her sister to soften me up with her flirting, then she moves in to save me while offering what seems like a good deal. Whether she figures I'm actually interested in a relaxing treatment, or just want to see her sister again, it means I'm likely to stop by their spa. And that 'discount for a friend' just suckers in another. Very clever spa ponies... very clever."
"I wonder if he wants children." you suddenly pick out Aloe's voice nearby, and look over to see little cartoon hearts bubbling out from the mare while her sister face-hoofs.
Before you can come up with an decent mental response for that, you get bumped into by another mare to your right who wasn't exactly looking where she was going, more intent on hiding something from view more than anything else.
"Oh hey Berry Punch, nice to see you again." you greet her eyeing what she's trying to conceal "What do you have ther-"
"SHHH!" she quickly hushes you "Adults only punch." she whispers and discretely pours two whole bottles of Jack Spaniels into the punch and gives it a stir for good measure.
You raise an eyebrow at her, but seeing as how there's no foals or pregnant mares present, you decide not to spoil her fun.
"Berry!" calls yet another mare who trots over and gives a hard stare at Berry Punch "So, what are you doing over by the punchbowl?"
"Nothing!" Berry's snaps as her eyes dart left and right, "I was just, uh... was just over here doing...- oh hey, have you met mister DeWitt yet?!" she says and grabs your shoulder and drags you over for an awkward sideways hug, "I have to introduce you, we go way back... heh." she nudges you painfully in the side "Play... along." she says through her teeth to you, all the while smiling nervously at the blue and while unicorn in front of you.
"Right well, I'm Ritz DeWitt." you introduce yourself and manage to break free of Berry's hold "Nice to meet you..."
"Minuette. But my friends call me Colgate. No idea why." Minuette says as she shakes your hoof "So what did Berry do to the punch? And please tell me it wasn't her special 'Adult punch'."
You look blankly at her for a moment before shrugging. "Okay, I won't." you snark, suppressing your laughter as Minuette launches into a rant about alcohol and dental hygiene while Berry calls you a traitor with playful drama.