Chapter 7: Bed, Breakfast, and Barns.
Erised's comment.
As you stand at the base of the stairs with most of these mares glaring you down, you can't help but feel a little helpless and more than a little put off by it all.
Ponies... you mentally grumble, I should have stayed in bed. Or at least have snuck out the window. Okay, delicate situation. For all I know they could be here for other reasons, but worst case scenario is that they've gathered here in hopes of trapping me! Regardless, you must force yourself to be calm! Blind panic never helped anyling out of a jam! (1)
Kichi's comment
Erised's comment
"Came clean? But I already showered last week", you snark.
"That ain't what we're talkin about..." Applejack responds in bemusement.
"Oh, where are my manners. I didn't expect to meet you all here on this lovely morning. I don't think we've been introduced yet." you say with a bit of forced cheerfulness as you prepare to quickly dart a hoof into your Saddlebags. You reason that if you just play along, this might turn out to be nothing, but if they really are here for your head, you can be ready to throw a Thundercloud Orb and make a run for it. Play it smooth Ritz... play it smooth.
"You see!?" Rainbow shouts "I knew there was something wrong with this guy! Who just acts all calm and snarky like that? He should be totally freaking out right now!" she growls and jabs an accusing hoof at you, "Plus his eyes are pure blue!"
"I-" you try to defend before your vision is suddenly filled with a pair of magenta eyes demanding, "Are you a spy?!"
"Woah!" you exclaim as you jump back in surprise.
"Rainbow please." Twilight reigns her friend in but keeps her attention on you.
"But something does stink bout ya." Applejack qualifies.
"Really? Maybe I need to take a shower. Could you give me directions to the nearest lake?" you snark again.
"A lake? For what?" Ask Applejack
"Uhh, for taking a bath and cleaning myself of course." you say as if someling asked you what 2 + 2 is.
"We have bathtubs here." Applejack says bemused.
you read that wrong's comment
Love the Changeling's comment
"Alright... what are you REALLY doing buster!?" The pink pony known as Pinkie Pie exclaimed, getting up in your face.
"Your mother." you mutter on reflex as you try to keep from giggling at your hatchling-level insult.
"I bucking heard that!" she replies indignantly.
Everypony (2) else just looks at Pinkie in confusion.
"Heard... what?" you ask cautiously
"What you said about my mom!" she practically screamed at you.
You would have simply muttered 'wut?' repeatedly for half an hour at Pinkie's future questions if it wasn't for twilight joining in on your one-sided conversation.
"Pinkie... What are you talking about?"
"Twilight, did you not just hear him rudely insult my mom like that?!"
"Uh... no? Care to explain?" Twilight answers.
"Well it all started when I got up this morning an-"
At this point Pinkie starts rambling again and you consider using this distraction to bail, but a drawn out sigh interrupts this consideration.
"Never mind Pinkie, forget it." Twilight says with a roll of her eyes before turning back to you,
"Now who are-"
"CONFESS! WHAT WERE YOU REALLY DOING THE THIRD NIGHT OF THE MONTH SIX MONTHS AGO?!!" Pinkie screams as she suddenly whips out a big cannon and shoves it in your face.
"PINKIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Twilight yells as she uses her magic to pull the earth pony and cannon away, but unfortunately, staring down a cannon triggered some flashbacks causing you to say,
"GAH, I CONFESS, I WAS SLEEPING! I ADMIT IT, I'M WHY OPERATION: CLOUDFALL (3) FAILED CAUSE I FELL ASLEEP AT MY POST! I COULDN'T HELP IT, I WAS UP THE PREVIOUS NIGHT AT "VENGEANCE IS A SWEET DISH BEST SERVED COLD"! I HAD TO GO, IT WAS ONE NIGHT ONLY AND 9001 HAD A COUPON FOR TWO-THIRDS OFF EVERYTHING THAT WAS ONLY VALID FOR TWO PONIES MINIMUM! PLEASE DON'T IMPALE MY TESTICLES ON SALTED TOOTHPICKS WHILE HANGING ME WITH RUSTED BARBED WIRE AND SHOOTING JAGGED DYNAMITE ARROWS INTO MY EYYYYYYYYES!!!"
During your little hysteria-confession, the rest of the Element Bearers and Cutie Mark Crusaders just look at one another, partly confused and mostly worried until Rainbow Dash voices what the whole group is thinking,
"What. The. Buck."
The yellow pegasus with the pink mane tentatively approaches, "Um, there there, we weren't accusing you of anything."
"Y-you we-weren't?" you sniffle.
She moves forward and places a hoof on your shoulder, "Deep breathes, just calm down and relax, if that's okay with you."
After a few deep breathes you clear your throat and say,
"Sorry. Panic attack caused me tooo... confuse movie scenes with actual memories. Yeah." you half-truth so they won't ask any more questions pertaining to the whole "impaled nards" thing.
"Actually, Pinkie should be apol-" Twilight adds before Pinkie interrupts,
"I am SO super-duper sorry! I mean you insulted my mommy and-"
*zap*
Erised's comment
Twilight suddenly zaps you with a spell. You get annoyed, but she explains it was merely a spell designed to deactivate and remove disguise spells (since your disguise spell doesn't work and you're wearing clothes, the spell doesn't expose you)
Suddenly you noticed that Twilight has zapped you with a spell,
"Hey! What was that for?" you say in indignation.
"Sorry, but that was just an anti-disguise spell." Twilight responds.
Good thing I'm wearing clothes instead of my disguise spell, but still...
"But why'd you zap me?" you demand.
"Just a precaution due to a changeling invasion a few weeks ago. But let's skip the pleasantries Mr. DeWitt, if that even is your real name." Twilight interrupts in turn, "I want you tell tell us everything."
You have to stop yourself from groaning, this is not going as well as you'd hoped. These ponies clearly don't appreciate the sophistication and patience you've just exhibited (before throwing it all out the window with that panic attack at the end). Must tread lightly.
"Hey, you know what I like? Context. Isn't context a nice thing to have?" you snark.
This only makes Twilight grin though and she begins,
"Your story is full of holes!" she says and begins a slow methodical pacing "Not only would it take far longer to reach Hollow Shades and each of you take a personality test than the three hours and fifteen minutes you said it did, but the only temple in Hollow Shades was closed for reconstruction due to a recent shoggoth invasion, so you couldn't have been there. Secondly there are no carriage services that would take you directly to Rancho de Burritos Rojos; you'd have to had made a transfer not once... but twice between carriages to have made that mistake! Finally, I've looked up the consensus information for all current Canterlot residents, and there is no one, pony or otherwise by the name of Ritz DeWitt!" finishing, she rounds on you with a determined look in her eyes "So I want the truth. Who are you, why are you here, and how did you really meet Sweetie Belle, Applebloom and Scootaloo?"
"Ah know you were lying about how you met mah sister and her friends. Ah don't like being lied to so tell us the truth now, or you will land in an even bigger heap of trouble." Applejack adds.
You just stare at the ponies for a second before raising your hooves, and then bringing them together in a slow clap,
"Well done Twilight. I have to say, I don't know what's more impressive, the fact that you pulled apart my story, the fact that you put so much effort into checking the random places in that story..." this causes a small blush to form on Twilight's face before you conclude, "Or the fact you didn't realize I was quoting an episode of North Park word-for-word."
"You still haven't answered her question." the white unicorn says.
BrownDog77's comment
"Well madame, I assure you that your daughter and her friends were in no danger thanks to me."
"Daughter?!" she yells shock as the Apple sisters facehoof.
"That's my Sister!" Sweetie Belle squeaks.
"D'oh!"
"Do I really look that old? Wait, he called me a mother, does that mean my hips are too fat?! I knew I shouldn't have had that muffin yesterday!" Sweetie Belle's sister whines before she falls onto a couch she pulled out of somewhere.
"Well give me some warning next time! Where the heck are your parents anyway?" you ask.
"Mine are probably at home, but I was supposed to stay with Rarity last night," says Sweetie.
"Mine are at home, but I spend the night at Applebloom's sometimes, so they shouldn't be too worried."
"And mine are..." starts Applebloom before she stops and looks down in sadness.
"Oh great going YOU, you've got her all worked up about our folks!" Applejack scolds as she hugs Apple Bloom.
"I swear I'm not doing this on purpose!" you cry aloud in indignation.
Erised's comment
"But yeah it's true, I did just make up a lot of that, but it was for a... pretty good reason I guess."
You look at the Crusaders and ask, "Can I just tell them?"
Their eyes immediately become fearful and they motion "no" with the pleading eyes that you're thankfully immune to.
"Well that Pinkie Promise only means I can't abandon you so I'm still gonna."
And you're about to start your explanation when,
"HOLD IT!"
Rarity takes a moment from feeling pitiful and old and looks at your garb more closely.
"I thought I recognized the decor upon you. I made that! SWEETIE BELLE!!!"
"What? The other stallion cancelled the order and Mr. Dewitt needed it to hide his ugly chang..." she starts before Scootaloo starts her from saying more.
"Sweetie Belle, while I'm upset for you taking my work without permission, that doesn't give you the right to insult this stallion's looks," she says before turning to you, "Even if he must be blind to TRUE age and BEAUTY!" she says harshly.
You know she's still upset, but you still don't want them checking to see if you're actually ugly or not, so you tell them.
"No NO, it's true. I am hideous, my own mother didn't like my face. So please let me just keep wearing this get up, it makes me feel like a real pony..."
Suddenly you noticed that Rarity is taking a moment from feeling insecure and old and starts looking at your garb more closely.
"Hmmm, hoof-crafted Hoovestralian wool, reinforced seams, invisible stitching, Neighponese silk linings, Saddle Arabian cotton. I thought I recognized the decor upon you, I made that! THIEF!"
"Actually, we gave that to him." Sweetie Belle pipes up.
"SWEETIE BELLE!" Rarity yells as she takes her attention off you.
"What? The other stallion cancelled the order and paid you to destroy it and Mr. Dewitt needed it to hide his ugly chang-" she starts before Scootaloo jams her hoof into her mouth to keep her from saying more.
"Sweetie Belle, while I'm upset for you taking my work without permission, that doesn't give you the right to insult this stallion's looks," she says before turning to you, "Even if he must be blind to TRUE grace and beauty!" she says harshly.
You know she's still upset, but you still don't want them checking to see if you're actually ugly or not, so you tell them.
"No NO, it's true. I am hideous, my own mother didn't like my face. So please let me just keep wearing this get up, it makes me feel like a real pony-"
Suddenly you get a memory fragment from Disguise Training back at the Hive that gives you an idea,
When the ponies question why you're wearing so many clothes, you remember what the changeling hive taught you to do in situations where you're disguise spells don't work; Claim you have Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy or "Discolored-eyed Skin Weakness Disorder"
It's a made up disease made up and planted in Equestrian medical books by changeling operatives long ago to help aid changelings who have to use alot of clothes when their disguises aren't working.
(NOTE: Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy is not a real condition.)
"Especially since I have Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy!"
"Oh no, not that! Anything but that!... What is that?" Pinkie Pie says as the other ponies also gasp before also falling into murmurs of confusion.
"I think I've read about it... Wait here."
With that she suddenly disappears in a flash of light and then reappears a few moments later levitating a copy of Stabler's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary, 22nd Edition and begins searching through the pages,
"Let's see... Blue Flu... Clydesdale fur blight... Aha! Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy, also known as 'Discolored-eyed Skin Weakness Disorder' or D.E.S.W.D.!" she declares.
"What does it do?" Fluttershy asks in worry.
"According to Stabler's, it's a hereditary abnormality that causes an malformation in ocular development affecting the vitreous humor which in turn discolors the eyes. It also weakens the skin tissues on the limbs, back, and most of the face so they're especially sensitive to the environment. Exposure for an extended period of time will cause the before-mentioned areas to develop painful necrotic lesi-"
"Equestrian please." Rainbow Dash rudely asks.
"It means that his eyes are blue and that being bare for too long will cause his skin to rot off!" Twilight answers.
"Oh my goodness! Is there a cure?" Fluttershy asks in worried concern.
"No." you answer causing the others gasp at this and suddenly huddle into a corner far away from you. Twilight facehooves and says,
"Girls, it's NOT contagious! It's a hereditary disease so it can only be passed down from parent to foal. Stabler's explicitly states that other than those abnormalities, ponies with Dyschromatophthalm Dermatoastheniapathy are no different physically or mentally to other ponies and should be treated as such." (5)
"Yeah, I just need to keep clothes on." you add.
As the ponies sheepishly apologize before moving back to their seats/places in the room, Rarity says,
"I suppose since it's for medical reasons, you can keep the suit."
"Thank yo-*growl*"
Suddenly your stomach growls causing you to sheepishly say,
"Oh yeah, I didn't eat breakfast yet-"
Your stomach's growling is then accompanied by more stomach growling around the room.
"And I'm guessing you ladies haven't eith-"
"Breakfast is ready!" an elderly female voice (who you assume belong to Apple Bloom's grandmother) calls from the kitchen.
"Mind if we continue this conversation over breakfast?"
OUTSIDE THE APPLE RESIDENCE
you find yourselves all sitting around the table eating pancakes. I mean, come on... there were pancakes, and Granny Smith was telling you all to sit down and eat. It's not like any of you could say no.
Due to the large amount of ponies, we now find you all eating outside on picnic tables. Fortunately, since Applejack was having so many ponies over, the Apples made a feast of a breakfast with pancakes, maple syrup, biscuits, grits, country gravy, toast, butter, jam, fresh fruit, sunny-side up eggs, scrambled eggs, and pitchers of milk and apple juice.
You carefully ate your food by holding your scarf out enough to put a utensil underneath it and into your mouth while drinking by doing the same (but pouring the glass from above), but even then you were still quickly putting away large amounts of food much to the shock of the others. Apple Bloom's grandmother (now named Granny Smith) and massive brother (Big McIntosh) finished eating first and left to start on chores around the farm. Applejack takes this time to ask,
"So Mistah DeWitt."
"Mmph?" you say with your mouth full with your 14th and 15th gravy-soaked biscuits.
"What really happened between my sister, her friends, and you?"
The Rutherford comment
Washing down your food with the last of your 7th glass of milk you say,
"OK. I'll tell you the truth, but please understand that I lied because the girls were freaking out about getting in trouble and I couldn't stop myself after they used the Puppy Dog Eyes on me. From all of your faces, I can guess I'm not the only one they've used it on."
The six mares nod their head to that.
"Ok, so the truth is I found them in the Everfree Forest-"
This causes the mares to gasp and Twilight to ask in worry,
"What were they doing there?"
"They said something about nocturnal archaeology or something, I wasn't really listening at the ti- And please hold all questions until the end of the truthful story." you say as Pinkie was about to ask something, "Anyway so I was wandering through the Everfree Forest because I felt the need to (as if something was controlling my thoughts) and as I wandered I heard the sound of young screams. So naturally I went to investigate. After getting lost again I heard the screams again and they sounded closer. I followed the sound until I found them being backed into a corner by a chimera."
The mares gasp again.
"When I saw that I decided to help and I distracted the chimera. After giving and receiving a few hits, I managed to finally get the fillies and myself away from the chimera and they helped to lead me back to the town. We stopped at their clubhouse for a breather when I noticed that it was late and asked them about curfews. They then panicked and asked me to help them explain the situation in a way that would not get them in trouble. What I said last night was the best story we could come up with on short noticed. So I apologize for blatantly lying to your face Miss Applejack. I just did not want to see these girls get into trouble. So that is the truth. Any questions?"
Pinkie starts hopping about with her hoof in the air.
"Oooh I have a question. Pick me!"
"Um OK. What is your question?"
"Yay! I'm Pinkie Pie. What's your name?"
"My name is Ritz DeWitt. Next question?" you ask as Pinkie Pie dives into another plate of pancakes.
"So you said you distracted and traded blows with a chimera. How did you do that? You don't look very beaten up. Unless you were facing a baby chimera in which case should we be worried about an angry chimera mother coming after you?" Twilight asks.
"As far as I know it was an adult, but I can't say for sure. I'm pretty sure it wasn't exactly a good time to ask for her age. On a side note, I don't think it's ever a good thing to ask for a mare's age unless you're a bartender."
"That is true Darling. One should never ask for a lady's age." Rarity says over a plate of toast and jam. (6)
"Anyway, next question?"
Erised's comment
Twilight nods her head and uses a pancake like a napkin to wipe the syrup off her cheeks (Who knew she was such a messy eater?).
"Is all of that true girls?" she asks the Crusaders, who merely hang their heads in shame.
"Yeah." Scootaloo finally answers, prodding idly at her half-finished plate of eggs, "We'd probably be chimera chow if Mister DeWitt hadn't found us when he did."
"You aren't mad at us, are you?" Applebloom asks worriedly.
Applejack is about to angrily respond when she notices the look you're giving her. Instead she gives a hard sigh and says, "No, I guess we ain't mad at you, but dag-nabbit girl, if y'all friends don't just make us worry to pieces sometimes and rightly so."
"Indubitably," Rarity chimes in, "Sometimes I think you three have no idea how much it would devastate us all if any of you were to come to any harm."
"Yeah. Who am I going to pass my super awesome skills to if I lose my honorary little sister." Rainbow Dash adds.
"We're sorry." Sweetie Belle tells them and the others nod in agreement, "We promise we'll be more careful from now on."
"Thanks for saving mah little sister and her friends." Applejack says to you as Rarity and Rainbow Dash nod in grateful agreement.
"But that still leaves one thing unexplained." Twilight reminds everypony, "Who are you anyway, Mr. DeWitt? What were you doing in those woods yourself that night?"
Thankfully, a good amount of time between when they'd first cornered you, and some delicious breakfast has given you time to come up with an answer that you hope they'll be able to buy,
"I'm sorry about lying to you all, especially you Applejack, but believe me, the less you know about me the better." you say cryptically "Ritz isn't even my real name, but I've had to leave it behind as well as my home and my friends. You see, I'm in a bit of trouble right now due to an... organization I'm with coming under some fire. Needless to say, I'm laying low and there are a lot of ponies out there who would gladly have my head."
As in everypony, including the royal guard... ESPECIALLY the royal guard. you mentally add.
"You're in trouble; what kind? What organization, and what did they do?" Twilight begins rapid-firing questions at you, but you hold up a hoof to silence her.
"I think that the less anypony knows, the better. I'd hate to put any of you in danger." you tell her and look to her friends and the fillies.
"But there must be something we can do to help you, I'm Princess Celestia's student after al-" Twilight tries to reason.
"That just means you're in even more danger if you help me." you cut her off, a bit surprised at how easy it is to tell the (half-)truth if you just leave out the word 'Changeling', "Look, this group I'm with we... we did some bad things okay. Especially something really really bad. But they're also the only family I have. All I need to do is find some of my former associates and hopefully get out of Equestria without raising too many alarms."
"Ooooo-ooorrrrr..." you suddenly find yourself wrapped in a mess of pink limbs as Pinkie Pie appears out of nowhere behind you. "You could stay here in Ponyville with us! I'll even throw you a welcome party, just like you were anypony else!"
"That's a terrible idea." you deadpan. Seriously, tons of ponies + crowded space = lots of stuff that can go wrong.
This only makes Pinkie giggle,
"You're silly Mr. DeWitt, or whatever you're real name is. How could a party be terrible? Of course if there was no cake and punch... then I guess it would be pretty terrible. But none of my parties are that bad. Ooh, I'm going to start giving out invitations right now!" she says before zipping away in a cloud of smoke, zipping back a moment later to eat the rest of her pancakes in one bite, and zipping off again.
You stare at the slowly dissipating plumes of dust and turn to her friends with a touch of concern. "I'm not going to be able to tell her no, am I?"
They all shake their heads.
"And if you try to not show up, she'll just find you no matter where you are and drag you there." Rainbow smirks as she nudges you with her elbow, "Trust me, there's nowhere in Equestria Pinkie can't go."
You just groan and faceplant into your 8th plate of eggs.
Let's see... you're homeless, jobless, have a nice hat and suit, some Bits, gold items, a deck of cards, and a playing card on your hat.
Quick! Claim you're a down-on-his-luck gambler!
"Anyway, Thanks for the bed and breakfast, but I gotta get going." you say as you get up from your seat.
"You're leaving town already?" Fluttershy asks with concern.
"Would if I could, but I promised those girls I wouldn't leave today. Plus I get the feeling the pink one is going to drag me back for her party whether I want it or not." you add as you levitate an apple for the road.
"She will." Rainbow Dash agrees.
"But didn't yah say yah don't have a job or place to stay?" Applejack asks.
"I have enough Bits to get by." you dismiss, "Besides, if worse comes to worse."
You tilt your hat at an angle to better show the Ace of Spades card on your hatband before continuing,
"I got some gambling experience. See ya."
"Goodbye Mr. DeWitt." the mares and fillies all wave as you leave Sweet Apple Acres.
As you walk down the road towards Ponyville munching on your apple you think,
I can NOT believe my luck! I was face-to-faces with the Bearers of the Element of Harmony and I came out without a scratch! Still... I wonder what I'm going to do today?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
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Look around and get the locations of all the local stores, restaurants, and businesses. Knowing them will probably be useful.
Well, if your experience in Ogres and Obelisks is anything to go by, you can always find a quest by asking the bartender for rumors around town.
When you walk in the bar, there is a Purple Mare behind the counter.
"Why hello sir, what can I do for you today?" she asks.
"Hello, I'm new in town and I was wondering if you knew of any rumors?
"Um...about what?"
"You know, strange happenings, people looking for jobs, stuff like that."
"Well I can let you know, if you buy a drink," she says.
"*sigh* fine, one Cranberry Juice," you order.
"Not much of a drinker eh?" she asks.
"No, not so much. In fact, I have this old wine bottle that I have no idea what to do with," you tell her taking the bottle out.
She takes one look at the bottle and her eyes widen in awe.
"M-Mr...that there is a 982 bottle from the Vino Collection of Old Canterlot!"
"Uh...is that good?" you ask.
"That wine you are holding is over 1,000 years old from the early days of the Equestrian Kingdom! There's only about 12 in tact bottles left of it in the world!"
"Whoa! Potent stuff then huh?"
"Of course, even just uncorking it and sniffing it would cause you to get black out drunk," she says drooling.
"Dang. How much would this stuff sell for?"
"Ponies would sell for any high price you set. They'd give their arms and legs for that..." she says in awe.
"Really?" you ask.
"Mr. I would become your own personal anything goes slave just to have a whiff of that liquid goodness," she says giving you seductive eyes.
Your eyes widen at that, and you quickly put it away. "OK, yeah I don't think that's necessary. Think I'll just hold on to that for awhile still," you say causing her eyes to become downtrodden.
"Thanks for the drink though," you say paying her, "Mrs..."
"MS. Berry Punch," she emphasizes, "And let me know if you change your mind," she says with a smile and a wink.
"Yeah....Um, do you know where a fella can get a game of poker started around here?" you ask trying to change the subject.
For the moment I can only think of a couple of things but not sure how to link them to be enough and not even sure if they could be used.
1- Ritz sleep under a tree because he did not sleep too much
2- Ritz cheat in poker as he sense the emotions of the other players and have experience reading faces
3- Ritz maybe think about take out the Main Six and give them to Chrysalis.
After winning some Bits at Poker, you decide to purchase some survival supplies with your winnings as you may be leaving Ponyville eventually;
-2 Rolls of Duct Tape
-2 Cans of WD-40
-3 Bottles of Painkillers (while you can consume food or love for the energy to heal, your changeling physiology means you can take a whole bottle without ill effects and thus can use it to help you ignore serious injuries and keep pushing forward)
-7 Cans of Chopped up Apples
-7 Boxes of Ritz Crackers (you did name yourself after them)
-7 Jars of Chocolate Peanut Butter
-7 Cans of Soup
-Used Blanket
6478680 This is not supossed to be a Bugzee 2.0
With Sweet-Apple Acres behind you, a belly full of food and, remarkably both your body and your cover still intact, you walk down the street until you reach Ponyville proper. You have to admit, for having the reputation of being a backwater town, Ponyville is actually pretty decent in size. There are several blocks of houses, most of them either one or two stories tall with typical wood and thatched roof construction. Ducking through a short side ally, you come to some sort of farmers' market, with stalls selling all types of produce, and even a few selling trinkets, odds and ends, and comic books.
Wait... comic books? You love comic books!
You quickly maneuver your way through the crowd and up to the stand where a bored looking mare with an outlandishly styled mane is filing her hooves behind the counter. She doesn't even look up to acknowledge your presence.
"Ahem." you loudly clear your throat, causing her to flick her eyes upward to you.
Only now that she's taken a good look at your attire does her attention stick. "Oh- um... yes. Hello, what can I help you with good sir?" she asks, clearly trying to kiss up to you.
"Oh I just noticed you have quite a lot of quality reading material on display here, and I was hoping to browse a bit." you tell her, letting the charm flow a bit.
"Oh of course, you must be one of those Caterlot types, or perhaps Manehatten or Baltimare." the mare says as she pulls a few issues from the displays beside her, "I can always count on you big city types to be interested in fashion... unlike these ponies around here."
"Fashion? Well I guess this suit is pretty nice, but I wouldn't really say I'm-" you pause in your suave rambling when you notice something distinctly off about these comic books... something horribly wrong. Where you thought you saw masked vigilantes standing heroically atop a moonlit building, you can now see that they're actually stallions in suits and masquerade masks on a spotlit stage, and the action-y announcements were actually advertisements for the latest in mare's fashion tips.
You look up at the mare who hadn't stopped talking gossip while you made your horrifying revelation. "This is a fashion magazine." you say coldly "These are all fashion magazines."
"Well yeah. What did you think they were?" she asks you.
"I thought you were selling comic books, or you know... something horrorshow levels of cool." you respond with a small wave of your hoof, to which she balks at you.
"Comic books!?" She exclaims before seething at you "Get out."
"We are out." you gesture to the open space around you, which only makes her glare at you harder. "Okay, I can take a hint. Let me know when you wise up and start selling the good stuff!" you call as you back off and continue on your way.
"NEEEEEEERRRRRD!" she screams after you.
"Vanity obsessed merchant of shallow deception and lameness!" you retort.
---
So after stumbling around the market for a while and having to admit to admit to yourself that you're completely lost, you decide it's time to get a decent layout of the town. And truly, there is only one respectable way to go about it.
...
"Sir! I have to insist you get down from there before you hurt yourself!" a generic pegasus guard yells to you as you cling to the side of the town hall with your changeling hooves and the aid of your Aquilla Talon's hook.
"And please do it before you break anything!" Mayor Mare yell up from the ground "We can't afford to fix the roof again this month!"
"Hold on to your trousers, jeez! I'm just trying to get a look around." you snap at the guard as you scramble up onto a flat surface near the top of the three-story building. It's quite a view from up here; you can see all around the town and how it all sort of fans out in layers around the town hall, first the market and shops, then the residential district, and finally a schoolhouse and a hospital in the far distance with the Apple family orchard in the opposite direction.
"Alright you had your look, now will you please let me get you down from here?" the guard asks nervously.
"Nah, I got this." you tell him, and with a quick motion you take a leap of faith of the platform.
"Nnoooooooo!" the guard yells as he flies after you while a group of ponies gathered below gasp in shock.
You freefall for about a second towards a conveniently placed pile of hay and feel the soft cushioning feel of it gently breaking your fall- *Crunch!*
You stand there, frozen, screaming in silent pain as every one of your legs is shattered beneath you.
"I told everypony we needed a better place to hide all out shiny rocks." a pony in glasses says like a know-it-all.
"Sir... are you alright?" the pegasus guard says hesitantly as he flutters down beside you.
Barely more than a small pathetic whimper escapes your mouth. "Mustn't... talk... or else... can't contain... screaming!" Honestly, how could this get worse?
---
It's worse. It's worse!
"Nonono! Up! Fly up!" you scream in terror as you're pulled though the air in the most erratic flying you've experienced since changeling flight camp "No not towards the trees!"
"Stop squirming around so much, it's dangerous." the bubbly, cross-eyed pegasus tells you even as she flies through an active construction zone, barely missing the steel girders. When she said she'd give you a lift to the hospital because it was on her delivery route anyway, you wondered why everypony gave the two of you such nervous looks. Well now you wonder no more! "Why did you even jump like that? We were all so worried about you when you started climbing up the town hall."
Normally you'd give an articulate response as to how you knew exactly what you were doing at the time and how it should have worked, unfortunately with your current motion sickness and fear of dying, all you can manage to mutter is, "I just don't know what went wrong."
The pegasus blushes. "Yeah, I know how that feels."
"Oh no, not the circus! Anything but the circus!" you cry out as she flies you both through a circus tent and you're forced to become an impromptu addition to the trapeze act.
---
So after Derpy, the friendly cross-eyes pegasus finally found her sense of direction and dropped you off at the hospital, along with a shipment of teddy bears for some reason, you were wheeled into urgent care and told to wait for the nurse to see you. But now that you're finally out of sight, and not wanting to blow your cover, you simply use your healing spell to fix your crippled limbs, albeit expending all the energy you got from breakfast that morning.
Moments later an earth pony nurse with a pink mane kicks in the door, equipped with a healing lazer-gun, a bandoleer of syringes, and a look like she's ready to single-hoofedly fight every ailment on the planet at once. Imagine her disappointment when you tell her there's been a mix-up, and you're just here for a doctor's note for proof on your "Special" disease.
It's not even noon yet. After going through all of that though, you think something you haven't though in a long while.
"I need a drink." you grumble to yourself. And so you set off to find the bar you noticed before you took your failed leap of faith.