• Member Since 5th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 23rd, 2019

Peekaboo


Just a smalltown mare with a love for artwork and stories.

E
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This story is a sequel to Tantabus


Winterwoods is a candlemaker. She lives in a cottage by the woods where she collects flowers and other plants to make scents for her candles. Usually, the forest is calm and pleasant, with sunlight filtering through the trees and birds chirping. But the woods are different at night... what secrets are harbored in the darkness?

Special thanks for my sweetie for making the cover art! :heart:

Also, thank you for reading, if you have, I'd be super appreciative for some feedback, leave a comment about what you liked/disliked!

Prequels:
With Tears in Her Eyes
Condemnation
Tantabus

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 21 )

The writing is solid enough, but the story length is rather...terse.

6982999 Yeah, they're not meant to be super long, and these are more or less to set up whats going on. But theres also at LEAST five more chapters to come. So theres plenty more story to tell and the future chapters will be somewhat longer. :twilightsheepish:

Yo! It's Pioneer/ Turquoise Dreamer! How are you doing?

Okay, Your grammar is really good, not much to say here, so I'll just point out the few mistakes... mainly this one:
"...in the distance; still gloomy and lit softly by the mist."

you used a ; there, but it doesn't work because a ; is supposed to connect two full sentences and the second part is not a full sentence. I suggest making it a : because a : basically says "here it is" or "look at this" which is what you are trying to do.


Also, "...of light the stars gave. So why were the woods so bright in the fog?"

I hate to tell you this, but we don't start sentences with "and, so, but" and other conjunctions, so change the period into a comma and connect the sentences, or re-word the question. However, since this is non-formal writing, I think it would be okay, so it's up to you.


"Stepping outside, the crisp autumn air nipped at her ear..."

Okay, I am impressed you know that a sentence can be started with a "-ing" word, but you don't quite understand... here is the RULE YOU MUST FOLLOW: when writing a sentence and starting it with an "-ing" word, the thing doing the "-ing" must come RIGHT AFTER THE COMMA. Because you said "autumn air" after the comma, it sounds like the autumn air is stepping outside. Who is stepping outside? Winterwoods is stepping outside, so put her first and say "Stepping outside, WINTERWOODS felt the crisp autumn air nip at her ear."




Furthermore, I think you should try starting sentences with different openers more often---you tend to start sentences with the subject a lot (Winterwoods.... nothing... something... it...) so to help spice things up, I am going to give you another way to open sentences: the "-ly" adjective.

For example,

"Bravely Winterwoods stepped into the forest...."

"Slowly she got out of bed, wondering what was wrong."

I think you get the picture. Adding some "-ly" openers will spice things up a little bit, and give you more ways to express yourself.

As for the story itself, you did a fantastic job setting the mood and making me want to see what happens next! However, although I know what Winterwoods looks like, I'm sure most people will not, so I suggest taking some time to describe her in a later chapter for the readers who don't know her.

Overall, I think you did a fantastic job! Keep writing!

The pioneer with a heart for people and a thousand stories to tell ~+~

6995384
Okay, I wasn't sure how that even slipped in, I don't really use ';' very often anyway. I don't view them as a very essential thing in terms of creative writing.

Also, as for starting sentences with 'and', it's actually something that I have no idea why teachers tell students, because you 100% can. I think people assume you can't merely because it is a coordinating conjunction often used to separate two clauses, but the rule that you can't start a sentence with one isn't actually based on any grammatical or historical foundation. Creative writing isn't taught in school much these days, unless you go to college for it. Creative writing isn't required to be so formal like it is when you're writing an article or an academic essay, which is the reason I love it so much, and is why I'm more than willing to start essays with 'and', 'but', 'yet', and 'or'. I actually spent time researching this topic when I first started writing fanfiction, and was amazed that my teachers had always told me that a sentence couldn't start that way. But it's probably because most school writing wants to be formal, and they'd like to prepare students for college. I just wish they'd make the point to define when you don't have to use, and when you should use formal writing. I felt like school tried it's absolute hardest to squash creativity in students, which is super depressing to me. They should be offering opportunities for students learn to express themselves creatively in whatever format they like along side general education.

I wasn't aware that people assumed you couldn't start a sentence in a word ending in 'ing'. Thinking on it now, I can see how it would appear that the leave were the ones who stepped outside. That is a change I'll be making soon. Mistakes like that tend to happen more when I write late at night like I do, especially since my usual editor has been busy lately. He hasn't gotten the chance to look it over yet, but I didn't really want to wait to post it, but it will be updated when I get feedback from him as well. ^^

Unfortunately, repetition is another side effect of my writing late at night, but that's when my creative juices flow the best. It just lets grammar, spelling and stuff like that suffer a bit. Which is why I definitely need editors, lol! I'll look it over again soon and make sure that gets changed up a bit so it's not so repetitive.

I've actually been thinking hard on the issue of her appearance for a while, it's been bugging me because I wanted to share her appearance but was actually afraid to spend much time on what she looked like, because people seem to be upset when people write stories that involve original characters. It's like they assume that it's going to be another bad self-insertion about an over-powered pony sona that is somehow in a "super-serious" relationship with one of the princesses or one of the mane six. You know, the type that usually end up being a neon colored "Lord of Death" and is like 99.99% likely to also be a black alicorn. For this reason I refrained on her appearance, and had hoped the cover photo would give them an idea of what she looked like. But there are actually a few places that I could easily slip some description in. It's where I'd originally planned to give the readers some hints at what she looks like.

And thanks so, so much for the feedback! I've been needing some for a while now, and it's been really hard to get people to read it, let alone let me know what was good/bad about it. It's kind of disheartening sometimes when you taking writing it seriously enough to make something with lots of care and consideration. Did you read both chapters by chance, or just the first one? I have a third one I'm working on if you wouldn't mind giving that a once-over when It gets posted.

Hello again!
For chapter 2
1. "She felt like she were standing at the edge of the toothy mouth of the forest. Ever agape, waiting to swallow up the unaware that wandered in. "
Combine those sentences. The second one doesn't work by itself.

Overall, I think the grammar is pretty good---I think I spotted a few minor mistakes but it's fine.

Again, you captured the emotions well, and it certainly left me with a lot of questions.
I think you did a really good job with setting the scene and the atmosphere!

However, don't be afraid to say something about what Winterwoods looks like---people don't mind Earth Pony oc's as much as Alicorn OC's, trust me. At the very least, tell them she's an Earthy Pony and they might like her that much more, just knowing she's a realistic pony, and not an overpowered draconequus or whatever, you know? (No offense to the draconequus owners).

Anyway, very nice work, and how on earth do people use the pony emojis on this site?

-- The pioneer with a heart for people and a thousand stories to tell ~+~

By the way people, in the case that you figure out exactly what is happening before someone else reads it, which is highly possible since I've gotten pretty obvious about some things, please no spoilers!

The worst part for you though, and perhaps for me, is that after all this, all these years of torment, after I lost my battle against you, after my short reign in the world was done and after my due punishment has been served, is that I. Still. Won't. Be. Sorry. And every year that passes hence, I still won’t be. I'll do what we know I'll do, because deep down, we both know you deserve it... And the very next chance I get, I will act. That is a promise, oh you maker of hardened hearts.

The chills are real. This right here feels like the dark heart of the story, and it's bracing. Good work, here.

7332451
I'm relieved to hear you say so. I read this story to my fiance the other day, and while he liked it, I was worried that that part wasn't written very well. I'm glad that it put out what I'd hoped it would. ^^

Hey again!

All right, I made it. Lemme see...

Overall the grammar is pretty solid, with only minor flaws--you misplaced a quotation mark in one spot; it was too far from the dialogue.

Also, when doing onomonopeia like "gurgle," I suggest separating it from the text so that it's clear it's a sound she is hearing, like...

Bang!

She heard that.

As for the chapter itself, it's looking pretty intense for Winterwoods! I am seriously wondering what is going on here. The atmosphere is very mysterious and tense; you captured the moment perfectly.

Also, it didn't feel rushed. Even if it seems a little fast to some people, I don't think they will mind because this is supposed to be something like a nightmare, and nightmares can be very fast and unpredictable.

Well done!

7332451 Seconded. One of the best passages so far.

Actually, you have very good grammar! Don't worry too much. I only found a few minor things:

The fog was no help in this, combining with the branches, it became very hard to see.

Try putting "and" between "this" and "combining," to make the transition smoother.

With a deep breath she pressed on until she found her way into a clearing.

After "breath" put a comma, because this is the end of a prepositional phrase.

“No.” the first voice hardened into a tone beyond anger.

Instead of a period, use a comma after "No," because the words come before the indication of who is speaking.

As for the story itself, once again you have captured the serious atmosphere, and it certainly is quite a mystery! Keep writing!

Okay, it's getting really intense here!

As for grammar, again you got a really good hold on syntax!

However, I noticed something:

When you write dialogue, you tend to end it in periods when many times it needs commas.

Let me explain:

"She said it would be okay," the girl answered.

Notice I used a comma inside the quotation mark instead of a period? That's because the spoken words come before who is talking.

The girl answered, "She said it would be okay."

Now I used a period in the quotation marks, because who is talking comes before what she is saying, see? Try to remember that, because I notice you keep using periods instead of commas in a lot of places.


Other than that, great job on the grammar, and once again you nailed the atmosphere!

Wow! That was exciting--and again, you do have pretty good grammar, just use the tips I left you in the last chapter about writing dialogue and most of your mistakes will be gone.

And wow, this really is a nice atmospheric story.

Oh wow! Fantastic!

I was wondering when... that one dreamwalker would arrive. This leaves a lot of questions for me, but I think with a story like this, it probably should leave the reader thinking about what happened.

Oh, I found a typo:

duskshe guessed. Her room was silent

Oops, better separate "dusk" and "she."


Other than that, good job!

My, these short chapters are quite thought-provoking, and you captured the moment very well. I still wish you had described Winterwoods for those people who don't know what she looks like, but it is still a very well done mystery. Good job, and I appreciate that even in the scary moments it isn't too horrific. Good job for the control in the fear factor there!

Thank you.

HOW DID I MISS THE EPILOGUE!??

Also, I really like this chapter! It adds a touch of humor, hope, and really clears things up--thanks a million :D

7506794
Yay! I'm glad it was pure garbage! Lol. :twilightblush:
It really needed to be tied together a little better at the end so that the happenings made a little more sense I think, and I thought that this was short, sweet and to the point for it. I'm glad it didn't seem too far out of place from the rest of the story. :twilightsmile:

I just powered through your four-story series here (in order), and I have to say, despite numerous grammatical errors (and you already admitted you were in need of an editor, so I won't bitch at you), this was nicely written story-wise. I understand that these are Alt-U versions of the characters (in the previous stories at the very least), so I'm not crying "OOC! OOC!" This one in particular, though, was quite good. The dream loop had a bit of an Inception feel to it, and while it also reminded me of other fanfics I've read on the site (can't remember which ones), this one had a unique touch to it. Nice job! :twilightsmile:

7862196
Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad you liked them! :twilightsmile:
On top of most of them needing edits and adjustments, I was especially worried about introducing a story where I used original characters alongside canon stories, but I try to pride myself on making stories with OC's less egocentric, and more about the characters. So it makes me extremely happy that you enjoyed this one, as it was probably one of my favorite works both to make and reread over. Thanks so much for leaving me some feedback, I'm always trying to improve and all feedback is welcome!

Without some clue, some inner conflict, I just can't buy that Celestia manipulated Luna into becoming Nightmare Moon...and was forgiven for it.

8741608
That's actually one flaw in these stories that has been bothering me, I feel I have yet to properly portray the emotions of the two sisters very well, as there is definitely a lot of inner conflict. I'm just not the best writer when it comes to it.

I do have one question though as I have no way of knowing for sure, did you read all the stories in this series or just the two that you commented on. I just wonder if some details may make more sense if you'd read all of them in order? I tried to include the links to the others in the descriptions, but I don't know how many people really read those much.

8743527
I did read them all.

The first one I was torn between 'Ok, i can kinda see that happening' and "Celestia you MONSTER!.'

The second, you know my thoughts on it, however I will add that Twilight and Cadance felt too...passive?Accepting of their rulers?

The third was confusing on the chronology. I had trouble placing when these conversations happened, and why Luna created the Tantabus. I remember wondering if Celestia's confession was part of the reason here.

This one would have been alright as a mystery once I got through it, until the epilogue where Luna has seemingly forgiven Celestia(but not herself.)

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