40w, 5dTeam Fortress 2 Bronies
"Okay…now what's this?"
Well, Team Fortress 2 sounded exciting, so I thought…
"You're gonna assign "the mane cast" to the classes?"
"Them, Derpy, and you, Chronicle."
"What about Spike?"
"'Mane cast', not 'mane six'."
"Oh. Hold on a second…"
"This is a crack fic, and I own nothing. Just the setting, and you."
"Consarn it, I forgot what I was supposed to say."
Chronicle woke up with a headache, wondering who slammed him in the back of the head. It was a miracle he hasn't suffered anything worse. He opened his eyes groggily, then went on full alert upon realizing that he was no longer in Ponyville. He wasn't sure if this was even Equestria. He was in a white room, although it wasn't all white. There were a couple of hanging lights, a metal cabinet with two symbols on either of its doors, a couple of benches, steel girders supporting the roof, a door similar to hangar doors, a large window opposite it (as he saw later), and a couple other stuff he didn't bother describing.
Just then, he heard collective groans from behind. He turned around to see seven ponies and one baby dragon, all of them his friends. Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy,… and Derpy Hooves?
Okay, now this is strange., Chronicle thought. If we were taken here by someone who needed our help, I'd understand why me and the Keepers of the Elements of Harmony are brought. I'd even understand Spike being brought too, being the direct line to Princess Celestia and all. But why is Derpy here with the rest of us?
Just then, the door raised itself and someone entered. None of Chronicle's companions knew what it was, but he did. And Lyra Heartstrings too were she here, or at least she would be enthusiastic upon meeting one. It was a human being. A male, Chronicle figured. He was in full-clad army fatigues, wore two bands of red and blue around his arms, donned a helmet obscuring his eyes, and carried a medium-sized backpack. He was unarmed. Curiously, the symbol on his helmet was the same as Chronicle's cutie mark; an orange circle with an open book inside it. This got his companions curious as the man approached them and the ponies (and dragon) started spouting questions (or comments).
"Okay, buster! Speak up!" Rainbow Dash.
"Where the hay are we?" Applejack.
"This is definitely not Ponyville." Spike.
"Well, this place looks so bland." Rarity.
"Have you got any muffins?" Derpy.
"Chronicle, is this…thing related to you?" Twilight. Chronicle didn't answer.
Fluttershy just squeaked nervously. As for Pinkie, she (as usual for her) popped out from behind the human. As it turns out, he was merely a foot or two taller than them (sans Spike), which puzzled the sole stallion in the group.
"Hey!", rambled the pink earth pony. "Haven't seen you before! Maybe we can have a party together."
"Hold up there.", said the man as he wrested himself free and got Pinkie off of him . "Allow me to explain why you're here."
"So you're the one!" He was then pounced by Rainbow and they fell to the floor.
"Hey! Let him go!" Chronicle's horn glowed and he 'pulled away' the cyan pegasus by the tail.
"What's the big idea?!"
"Don't go jumping into conclusions."
"You haven't answered my question yet, Chronicle.", Twilight cut in. "Why does he have your cutie mark on his hat?"
"That wasn't your question.", Chronicle retorted.
"Oh, dear.", mumbled the man.
"Now that's definitely suspicious.", commented Spike.
"Looks like you have to tell them the truth.", the man told Chronicle.
"What truth?", inquired Applejack.
And after a while, they were told everything they needed to know about Chronicle. He was not born in Equestria and was—rather—from another world, sent down there for a mission. What the mission is he's not allowed to say, but they're assured that neither he nor his organization have any malicious plans (he even makes a "Pinkie Swear" on that, and to break it is to lose a friend forever, not to mention getting a severe beating from Pinkie Pie).
As to why the symbol on the man's (his name was Tasic) helmet is the same as Chronicle's cutie mark, it's because Chronicle was not originally a pony and was transformed upon arrival. Apparently, the principle that applies to ponies when it comes to their cutie marks is different for other-worlders when they turn into them. While Equestria natives possess those that depict their special talent, other-worlders obtain those that depict an aspect of their personality or history, if they get any at all. Chronicle is a member of the organization called the Story Crew, and his cutie mark is its insignia. What the Story Crew is he's not allowed to say.
Before Tasic told them why they were here, they were told of the history behind their to-be-enemies. They were told of the feud between the Mann brothers, their companies RED and BLU, the mercenaries they hired, and the "war games" they "played". This fight has continued on for years and has since become very pointless.
"Well, if that's the case, when why did you bring us, of all people?", Chronicle demanded. "Among us, only I am an actual fighter around here, not to mention killing isn't something they're gonna be comfortable with." Tasic was about to point out something before Chronicle cut him off. "And that one didn't count; it was all in their heads." He also noted the uncomfortable expressions everypony (and Spike) showed.
"Well, I'm not allowed to tell your friends why they were brought here. It's classified and only for Story Crew members like us." Tasic then bent down to whisper into Chronicle's ear. There were a couple of nods from the unicorn. There were also confused looks from his companions, who all decided to check out their surroundings. There were various remarks on the place, as well as some phrases no one could understand or relate to the current situation, which came from either Pinkie or Derpy, but neither Story Crew member paid attention.
"I wouldn't have chosen you guys had I any other choice.", Tasic continued.
"And in another universe, you probably had."
"But I didn't. And turning back is no longer an option. I'm sorry."
"Fine.", sighed Chronicle. "What is it we need to do?"
"Before I tell you that, I'm gonna have to show you who we'll be dealing with." Tasic then took out nine tablet-sized, black metallic cards from his backpack. He then set them on the floor in a line in front of the eight ponies and one dragon. One of the 'cards' began to project what he called a hologram, which depicted a lean young man.
"The Scout.", a voice came from one of the cards. "Youngest of eight boys. Early on in life, he learned how to solve problems with his fists, as did his brothers. Unfortunately, fights tended to end thanks to them before he could land so much as a hit, so he trained himself to run. Eventually, he became so fast he can even do the double jump, in which he can jump once mid-air before having to land. He may look like a cheerful guy, but he's just as much a killer as everyone else. His arsenal consists of a 'scattergun', a pistol, and a baseball bat."
As the weapons were named, it showed the person in the hologram using them; this would apply for all of the other 'cards'.
"Youngest of eight? That doesn't make any sense, silly.", Pinkie said.
"Neither does the stuff you sometimes do, Pinkie.", grumbled Twilight.
"But this is different."
"I know, right?", remarked Tasic. "These humans here are impossible like that." The next 'card' began to project its hologram, which depicted a man in army fatigues and a helmet. He looked a bit like Tasic, but his body was more muscular, and his jaw looked different too.
"The Soldier.", the same voice came from the card. "He wanted to do his part in 'World War II', but was rejected from every branch of the military. So he made his own way to where it took place, taught himself how do use a variety of weapons, and embarked on a one-man rampage against his nation's enemies. He did not stop until four years after the war ended. He's also very dim-witted and is far more concerned with killing than any sort of tactics. His arsenal consists of a rocket launcher, a shotgun, and a shovel."
"Sounds extremely dangerous.", said Derpy.
"World War II?", Twilight wanted to know.
"I think it's obvious we're not in Equestria.", said Chronicle. "With humans and everything."
Tasic said nothing as the next card began to 'play', showing a human in a full suit and black gas mask.
"The Pyro. Only two things are known for certain about this guy: he sets things on fire and he doesn't speak. Fearsome, inscrutable, a maniac, and—for all anyone knows—may actually be a female or something else entirely. His arsenal consists of a flamethrower which can—other than set enemies on fire—also shoot blasts of air, a shotgun, and an axe."
After nopony made any remark of any sort, The next card began to 'play', showing a dark-skinned man with an eyepatch.
"The Demoman. A fierce temper, a fascination with explosives, and a terrible plan to kill the Loch Ness Monster—a fictional creature in this world—cost him his first set of adoptive parents at a young age. In the orphanage he then ended up in, his bomb-making skills improved dramatically, but his disposition didn't and he also lost an eye. Word of his skill spread and it wasn't long before two visitors came to the orphanage; his real parents, who lovingly explained that all 'Demomen' were abandoned at birth until their skills manifest themselves, a long-standing, cruel, and wholly unnecessary tradition among the Highland Demolition Men. His arsenal consists of a grenade launcher, a 'stickybomb' launcher, and a glass bottle of liquor."
"Now that sounds like a needlessly cruel childhood.", remarked Applejack in a shocked manner.
"I know, right?", replied Tasic. They proceeded to the next 'card', which showed a large man holding a large gun.
"The Heavy. Like a bear, he appears to be a gentle giant. Also like a bear, to confuse his deliberate, sleepy demeanor with gentleness will get you torn apart. While he speaks simply and moves slow, he isn't dumb and he's isn't friendly. His arsenal consists of a minigun he calls Sasha (and gets angry if anyone touches 'her'), a shotgun, and his own fists."
The next 'card' showed a short man with a hard hat and goggles.
"The Engineer. Amiable, soft-spoken, loves barbecues, guns, and higher education. His natural curiosity, ten years as a 'roughneck' in the oilfields, and eleven hard science PhDs have trained him to design, build and repair a variety of deadly contraptions. His arsenal consists of a shotgun, a pistol, and a wrench for building and destroying. He can build a Sentry Gun, which attacks with a minigun and rocket launcher, a dispenser, which provides ammo, health, and resources for his team, and a teleporter, a pair of two buildings that do just that."
"What are PhDs?", Twilight asked again.
"They're degrees in which he's proficient in.", answered Tasic. "Humans are much more diverse in special talents than ponies, although the Engineer's 11 PhDs are a lot even for humans."
The next 'card' showed a tall man in a white coat and small glasses.
"The Medic. While he may be the team's healer, he is far from nice, and lacks compassion for the sick, respect for human dignity, and any sort of verifiable formal training in medicine. He's madly curious about human flesh and/or pain, with healing as an investment to see more hurting in the future. His arsenal consists of a gun that shoots syringes, a "Medi Gun" whose healing effect is actually secondary, and a saw that can cut through bone."
"I can't believe there's a healer who take pleasure in pain.", whimpered Fluttershy.
"I know, right?", replied Tasic.
The next 'card' showed an affable man with yellow shades and a brimmed hat.
"The Sniper. In his former life as a tracker of dangerous game in the unforgiving outback of his homeland, he would spend months by himself. Prolonged isolation taught him that he doesn't have to rely on others if he never misses. 'Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.' is his motto, although he rarely follows the first in taking out his opponents. His arsenal consists of a sniper rifle, a submachinegun, and a forward-curved chopping blade."
The last 'card' showed a man in a fancy tuxedo and a balaclava mask.
"The Spy. He is a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in riddles, lovingly sprinkled with intrigue. A globetrotting rogue, lady killer, and mankiller. His arsenal consists of a revolver (pretty much like a pistol), an "Electro Sapper" for disabling an Engineer's machines, a knife for backstabbing with, a watch that can render the wearer invisible, and a "disguise kit" for impersonation."
"My, such style for someone in such conditions where he can get really dirty.", remarked Rarity. This earned her some stares from the others, including Tasic. "What? That suit has to cost a fortune compared to what his teammates are wearing."
The holograms on the 'cards' then turned into black icons with their weapons surrounding it. The Scout's was a human's shoe with wings on its heels, the Soldier's a rocket, the Pyro's a flame, the Demoman's a bomb, the Heavy's a fist, the Engineer's a wrench, the Medic's a cross, the Sniper's a reticule, and the Spy's a knife.
"If I hadn't done so already, then I apologize for bringing you all into this.", said Tasic to the ponies and dragon. "I really hoped not to do this…I don't think you can ever forgive me."
"As Chronicle asked earlier, what is it we need to do?", asked Twilight.
"Well, since there are nine of you here, you should each select a 'class' you wish to take. Simply take a card and you will assume that 'class'. I'll provide a week's practice so we can remove those issues you have against killing. I shall tell you more once you have made your choices. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make sure neither RED nor BLU have acknowledged your presence yet, although I think the Administrator is another matter." Before anyone could ask who the Administrator was, Tasic got up and left the room, leaving the eight ponies and one dragon with the 'cards'.
There was a minute of discussion amongst the nine; it was strange having to converse with Derpy, who usually isn't one one would expect to be able to have a coherent debate with. Suddenly, while everyone was conversing, Pinkie Pie trotted over to the Pyro 'card', put a hoof on it, and dragged it towards herself. There were worried looks coming from everyone else and she noticed.
"What?", she asked. "I figured that the flamethrower could be used to bake a lot of cupcakes at once!"
"Uhh, that isn't what it is for, Pinkie.", Chronicle stated.
"Yeah.", agreed Spike. "I was hoping to pick that." He then walked over to Pinkie to try and take the 'card' when it suddenly changed color, turning from black to pink, surprising everyone. "Holy guacamole!" After a second, he shook his head vigorously and proceeded to take the 'card', only for it not to budge. However, when Pinkie pulled the 'card', she removed it from Spike's grasp with ease. She then let go of it.
"Okay. Now what's going on?", asked Rainbow as she tried picking up the 'card'. However, it seemed to be stuck to the floor and, try as she might, she couldn't remove it. Twilight tried to take it using magic, but even when the 'card' glowed in her magic aura, she couldn't move it either. Pinkie then decided to pick up the 'card' with her mouth…and did so with ease.
"What in…how the hay is this possible?", asked Applejack.
"If I were to guess, the 'card' is now linked to Pinkie Pie somehow and that it can be picked up by no one but her.", figured Chronicle.
Just then, there was a familiar squeak. Eight heads turned to see that Fluttershy had picked up a 'card' and that it had already changed color; yellow. Quickly, Chronicle went over to see what she picked. He then sighed in relief upon seeing that it was the Medic 'card'.
"What did she pick?", Derpy asked.
"It's okay.", said the blue unicorn. "She just got the Medic 'card'."
"Wait. Why are you okay with that?", asked Spike.
"Well, do you think any of you would've preferred the Medic class?" There was no response. "Do you think she would've preferred some other class?" Again, no response. "In any case, it's too late to change decisions." He then turned to Fluttershy. "And personally, I don't regret it, and I hope you won't too." He then turned back to the rest. "I'm sure we won't have to worry about becoming like RED and BLU. They're hired mercenaries who kill for a living and enjoy doing it. We represent the peaceful world of Equestria where friendship is magic."
"Right.", Twilight agreed. "Now let's try and make our decisions more careful. Okay, everypony?"
"Okay.", they chorused, including Derpy.
After a few minutes have passed, a couple more decisions have been made. Rarity selected the Spy not only because she admired the fashion choice, but—even if it's a difficult task—she's less likely to get dirty. Twilight Sparkle decided to go for Sniper as she felt close combat wasn't her forte. Rainbow chose the Scout simply because. Spike decided to go for Demoman, seeing it as the next best choice for reasons he refuses to tell. Applejack went for the Engineer, claiming that her experience with farm equipment would give her an advantage. That left Derpy and Chronicle to choose between the Soldier and the Heavy.
"…Well, Derpy?", said the sole stallion in the group. "You didn't really debate that much with us."
"Well, I'm not really that close to you guys as you are with one another, so I couldn't really say much. Besides, I know I'm not that good a thinker, and that—" Chronicle put a hoof to her mouth.
"Look. None of that matters now. What matters is that we have to work together as a team if we are to make it back to Equestria. And that means even if we aren't on bad terms, we should get to know each other better, okay?" Derpy nodded. "Now. Which class do you wish to choose?"
The grey pegasus looked back and forth between the two cards. Eventually, she made her choice; the picked up the Soldier 'card' and it turned grey a few seconds later.
"Guess that leaves me with this." Chronicle 'picked up' the Heavy 'card' and it turned blue like his coat. Personally, I would've chosen something with speed, but I can't be picky. Looks like I'll have to make do with this, not that I'm slow.
Just then, Tasic returned and noticed that all the 'cards' have been picked up and selected. "Looks like everyone's decided." There were a couple of nods. "Now, let's get you guys out of Well. RED's about to come here soon." Immediately, the nine followed him out of the room, carrying their 'cards' with them.
Stealthily, the ten crossed the hallways, entered various rooms to hide, and even teleport around (thanks to Chronicle and Twilight) to keep out of sight from any REDs, who were currently up against the BLUs (as always). Eventually, they made it to a door leading to the outside. However, as they reached it, they realized it was locked. Tasic then took out a handheld contraption and then pushed a button on it. All of a sudden, what they could only describe to be a portal appeared in front of them.
"Let's go.", said Tasic as he crossed the portal.
One by one, everyone followed and on the other side they saw that they ended up in what seemed to be a warehouse that was less-than-adequately lit, had loads of boxes and barrels at the sides, three metal doors like the one back where they met, a wooden booth, a mine cart with a blue object of some kind (called a Payload cart), speakers on some of the pillars, and a couple other stuff.
Near the wooden booth was a chain-link fence, and behind it were lots of other stuff, especially a doorway that had its steel door mostly down so that one would have to crouch to get across. However, access there was barred by the fence, and it seemed to reach too high to the ceiling for even Spike to attempt to climb and crawl over.
"May I welcome you to…Target.", Tasic told his companions. "This will be where your training will take place."
"Looks great.", remarked Derpy. This earned her a few looks from the rest. "Uhh, did I say something wrong?"
"No.", replied Applejack. "For some reason, I was thinking the same thing."
"Well then.", cut in Tasic. "Shall we get started?"
"Wait. Now?", asked Spike.
"Well, I can give you time to get used to—"
"I say the sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get home!", cut in Rainbow.
"I'm gonna have to agree with Rainbow Dash.", said Twilight.
"Well then. Let's begin." Tasic took out his handheld device and pushed another button. Suddenly, the 'cards' then attached to their 'owners' and manifested straps that circled their bodies. There was then a flash of light that came from them that engulfed the nine. Once it faded, everyone was wearing clothes.
Pinkie Pie was now covered head to hoof in a fireproof suit colored in black and pink, and her face was concealed with a black gas mask. For some reason, her mane and tail were still exposed, which was a concerning issue as the flamethrower that was now attached to her right side can potentially burn it. There was a shotgun on her left side, and an axe attached at her back.
Fluttershy now wore a doctor's lab coat, yellow boots on her forelegs, a strange device that was presumably the "Medi Gun" (as they've seen in the holograms) on her left, and a high-tech saddlebag lined with yellow on her right that was attached to the former and also held the other two weapons (the "syringe gun" and "bonesaw").
Rarity now donned a white balaclava that had an opening for her mane and horn, a white suit she was slightly averse to as it was more suited for a stallion, and a small saddlebag presumably holding the Spy gadgets. She 'opened' it and 'took out' the revolver, the (foldable) knife, a small box called the "Electro Sapper", and a small case that contained a small computer with a black screen and three buttons (one red, two yellow). This item was presumably the "disguise kit". She also saw a watch around her left foreleg with a large blue glowing button in place of its clock face. It was the "invisibility watch", simplified to be function-able by hoof.
Twilight Sparkle now had on a purple shirt, a brown "bush hat", a khaki vest, and yellow shades. On her left was a holster that held the sniper rifle, on her right was another holster holding the submachinegun, and on her back was a hilt holding the blade that Tasic called a kukri.
Rainbow Dash now wore a cyan shirt, two small ball-chain necklaces with metal tags, white bandages around her forelegs, a black cap and something that looked like half of a headphone that also had a microphone on her head, and a medium sized black saddlebag that held the baseball bat. Attached to her left was the "scattergun", and to her right the pistol.
Spike was now wearing a green suit, a black vest, a winter cap on his head with holes for his spines, a backpack holding the "stickybomb laucher" and a metallic stick that held a large, heart-shaped red jewel on it, and the "grenade launcher" on his hands. He also had skates of some kind on his feet.
Applejack now donned orange coveralls, a mysterious metallic attachment on her right foreleg, kneecaps, a hard hat that replaced her stetson (which she felt disturbed not to have), and goggles over her eyes. She also wore a saddlebag that contained the shotgun, the pistol, the wrench, a toolbox, and two "electronic doohickeys" that served as tools for constructing/destroying buildings.
Derpy Hooves now wore grey army fatigues catered to her body and a helmet of a darker shade that seemed to feel a bit loose but did not obscure her already impaired vision. On her back was the rocket launcher and the shovel, and attached to her left was the shotgun.
As for Chronicle, on him was a navy blue shirt and a black protective vest. Attached to his left was the Minigun (which he was not about to name Sasha anytime soon), and to his right was the shotgun.
With the exception of Rarity and Rainbow Dash, everyone's suits' left sleeves depicted the icons of their respective 'classes' colored in black and the right sleeves depicted their cutie marks colored in black (in Spike's case, it was a flame akin to the Pyro's icon, but styled differently). On the sides of those who were not unicorns or Spike were strange short metallic arms attached to the 'cards' and they were designed to aim the weapons and switch them as desired.
Everyone was having mixed reactions from their new duds, but there were no disagreements with their appearances.
"Let the training begin.", declared Tasic.
And that's it for now.
This crack fic work is tiring, you know.
"Well, might I ask why you added me in the group? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, only you know who I am and care about it."
Well, I based the 'team' on a picture in deviantART called "Equestria Fortress 2", and it just felt wrong to feature such an…overpowered character in the team.
The one and only. And the only other popular setup I know of involves Spike as the Soldier, Big Macintosh as the Heavy, and Zecora as the Demo. And rhyming on a dime isn't my forte.
"Why didn't you just assign me as Demo, then?"
…I dunno. Third Base.
"Okay. What's with Spike's melee weapon being a stick with a gemstone?"
Well, the Demoman is depicted as a drunk, but I can't have that applied for Spike, so…
"So you decided to go for another item that is saved up before consumption?"
Yeah. Man, my skills are deteriorating.
"You should probably get back on the Kingdom Hearts Remake series."
Yeah. I probably should. See ya on Third!
"So that means you plan on making more?"
Yes. Based on the "Meet the Team" videos. I'll also cover on more of the TF2 universe, like the Respawn system.