• Published 22nd Jul 2015
  • 1,287 Views, 121 Comments

The Great Moose Census of 1001 - shortskirtsandexplosions



Agent Sweetie Drops must perform the Equestrian Moose Census at all costs... even if it means her sanity.

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Six Moose

“It's not enough... I'm just afraid it's not enough,” Red Top said, twirling around from the main console of a C.B.B. Zeppelin en route to the frozen north. Cold gray clouds drifted past the gondola windows as he spoke towards two holographic projections situated across from him. “Sweetie Drops, no disrespect for you or your hard work out there in Itaily, but we just haven't got the numbers to root out... the... th-the moose numbers!”

“Scrkkk—But taking out the imposter Don Farriernucci has forced several of his antler'd buddies to come out of hiding!” Sweetie Drops' projection said in a crackling voice. “I am now at a count of Nine Moose. Combine that with the census in Central Equestria so far, and the Bureau is now at a total of Twenty Moose! Believe it or not, we're making progress, Mr. Top!

“But not swiftly enough, I'm afraid. At least... according to our expert analysts in the field.” Red Top turned towards the other projection. “Button Smith! Fill Agent Sweetie Drops in on what you've discovered!”

“My pleasure.” The projection of a crystal pony turned towards its fellow hologram. “Ever since the untimely death of Princess Twilight, the Equestrian populace has been chomping at the bit for answers to the Great Moosening. With a heavy heart, Princess Cadance and several members of the Crystal Imperial Council sent a team to inform the ponies of Stalliongrad up north about recent events. When the team didn't come back, I took charge of a C.B.B. division and investigated the walled city myself.” Button Smith's shiny ears folded back. “I'm afraid what we've found is... most dismaying.”

“What is that, exactly?” Sweetie Drops' projection asked.

“Hundreds of thousands of cans of pale lager,” Button Smith said with a shudder. “And all of it bitter... and very dry

“My Goddess...” Red Top blanched. “They've taken over Stalliongrad.”

“How many have you counted?” Sweetie Drops asked.

“We... we haven't made a single head-count yet. We simply can't! Not in our small numbers! I fear...” Button Smith gulped, shivering. “I fear that they have eyes everywhere. Even beyond the great walls of Stalliongrad, they saw us coming! It's just a matter of time before—

Just then, the speakers broadcasted several large thuds coming from where Button Smith was standing. Ponies shrieked, and multiple agents blurred past her as she looked all around in a panic.

“Button Smith!” Red Top leaned over the console, his wrinkled face contorted in dismay. “Button Smith! Talk to us! What's happening?!”

“We've... we've been found...” Button Smith sniffled, a tear running down her smooth face. Her muzzle produced holographic vapors. “The temperature's dropping! They must be breaking in! Mr. Top, the C.B.B. needs reinforcements! Send soldiers! Send tanks! And... and if you sh-should see my family... tell them... tell them that I love—”

SCHLUNNNNK! A jagged antler burst straight through Button Smith's chest from behind.

The poor mare lifted up, twitching all over and gargling blood. A moose head rose into flame, distorting the hologram in copious, flowing fluids while equine screams occupied the background noise.

“Well if this don't for make a snug toque, eh?”

BZZZZT!

And just like that, the hologram fizzled out, leaving Red Top and Sweetie Drops gaping in silence.

After a full minute of the zeppelin puttering along, it was Red Top who spoke.

“She... she was my niece's best friend.” He sniffled, dabbing his eyes. “Never went to a hockey game in her life. When someone asked her what a 'puck' was, she always thought it was the thing her older brother urinated on.”

“Red Top, we have to send our remaining agents into Stalliongrad!” Sweetie Drops exclaimed. “I'll lead the front line of accountants if I have to!

“Agent Drops...”

She stomped her hoof. “We can't let Button Smith's death be in vain!”

“And I don't want that either, Sweetie, but look at our ranks!” Red Top sneered. “We haven't got the hoofpower to mount a full-scale numerical invasion of Stalliongrad! I say we forfeit the city and finish the census across Equestria proper!”

“And just allow the moosening to spread—unchecked—to all parts of the frozen north?! That's where moose thrive, Mr. Top! Can we really afford to leave Princess Cadance alone in the shadow of those... boonie-bouncing creatures.”

Red Top frowned. “Careful with your words, Miss Drops. I fear you've been out in the field too long.”

“I'm as serious as I've ever been, Red Top,” Sweetie Drops said, her hologram frowning. “Don't make me go in on this census mission alone!

“But Miss Drops, how are we going to even back you up?!” Red Tops shrugged wildly. “I mean... just short of making a ridiculously cheesy propaganda movie catering to the shallow plebeian minds of the Equestrian mass populace?!”