Purple banners were decorating all Canterlot. Even the traditional Canterlot's Palace flags and banners holding Equestria symbol and the Princesses cutie mark were replaced by light purple one, all bearing a big purple star surrounded by small white stars.
Lots of important ponies were assisting at this major event of the history of Equestria. Ponies from across Equestria were crowded at the side at the main street of Canterlot. Friends and family of the pony that was the in honor today were here too.
But instead of the smiles and cheers like Princess Celestia had expected for a day like today, everypony was holding the event on a different way. She had to hold herself a stoic expression even if her heart wanted to be more open like the crying family at her side. Giving a last look at one of the banner wearing her student cutie mark, glaring at the black ribbon crossing one of the corner, Princess Celestia, Diarch of Equestria and a lot of title she did not care at this instant, marched upon the balcony for a meaningless speech at Twilight Sparkle's funeral.
Take place after a different ending for the season 3.
I am in need of an editor for this story, if someone is interested, feel free to send me a private message.
Hmmm. Interesting story, but you could use a bit of technical work. I'd recommend adding some context to the speaking parts. Eg:
“Rah, now that you are back Twilight, you give me headaches again” There was no answer from the sleeping Alicorn, but Spike was smiling.
to:
“Now that you're back Twilight, you've already started to give me headaches again.” Spike murmured. There was no answer from the sleeping Alicorn, but Spike was smiling.
You're also jumping around from 3rd person, "Spike was smiling", from first person, where we see spikes thoughts. It's also a bit difficult to read as you go between different first-person perspectives, but I can understand the desire, as you want to show different viewpoints. I'd recommend scene breaks if you want to do this, or even separate chapters entirely. Personally, I'd like to see more of it in first-person perspective, Spike or Emerald, while avoiding first-person Sparkle, and 3rd person entirely. Avoiding knowing exactly what Sparkle is thinking/feeling and only having it seen through the viewpoint of another character adds a bit of personality to things.
Go with stuff like, 'She winced', 'She started to shiver', or 'Her eye twitched', instead of 'she was in pain', or 'she was cold', or 'she was angry'. Show, not tell. And, yeah, I hate to repeat myself, but you need to start adding that inflection stuff to all the speaking parts. Are they mumbling? Squeaking? Yelling? Pouting? Crying? Snarky? That sort of stuff.
I'll be waiting for your next chapter! :-)
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Thanks for the comment, it's something I wrote on year ago and English is not my native language, I should maybe have edited a bit more, but I have issue putting the right word to express a feeling. For the third person/first person jump, I don't know I feel that having the though in italic would be enough. I will look a bit more on the next chapter to try to convey more of their feeling when they are talking.
It's funny you mention to not have Twilight point of view because it's exactly my plan :)
A little difficult to read but it's still entertaining I can't wait for the next chapter!
This is... Deep
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A friendly point-out for you, in reference to your Author's Notes and Comments here.
FimFiction offers assistance for those lacking (or more often, and importantly, needing...) Editors &/or Proofreaders. This is extra applicable if English is not your primary language.
- 1. Looking For Editors
- 2. The Proofreader Group
As a general rule for writing, you should have only one Editor, but can have multiple Proofreaders.
Hope this helps.
This is a very interesting premise and I hope to read more.
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Thanks for this pointer. I just posted a request :)
Luna kinda sounds like she needs a punch in the nose.
Poor Twilight. An interesting turn on the series. It makes sense that Luna could take on the task better than Celestia though. Too difficult for a mentor to do that to her apprentice.
And now the plot thickens =)
Where has Twilight been! Great chapter.
Ooof, bad memory to dredge up in her state. Poor Twi.
More hints about Twilight's state! And evidently Luna never told Celestia about what she'd done. Interesting!
More questions! Hopefully Twilight will be coherent soon. I enjoyed the back and forth between Emerald and Spike.
This is some very interesting backstory for Spike, especially how he is able to analyze spells cast at him. Keep up the good work!
i have to ask english is not your first language is it
6460953
Yes, sorry if it's not the easiest thing to read :)
6460972 nah its not to bad just you can tell its not your first language
anyway looking forward to more
Wings, wings, wings!
Totally-innocent sleeping arrangements. Honest!
Don't strangle the poor fella, Twi!
will they ever meet celestia
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Not before a long time. Maybe in 10 chapters. There is a lot for Twilight and you to learn before that :)
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Haha yes. Poor Emerald!
I hope your are not too disapointed that nothing happened betwen these two :)
6646140 ok
6646149 There's still time!
Every good story needs a pinch of Changeling Queen in it.
6769624 You make me thing that I realise, it's only in one of the first MLP comic arc that Chrysalis offer to Twilight to be her student x)
*throws a lack-of-Chrysalis tantrum!*
That is a good question thought; what is magic to Twilight? I'd hazard that she needs friends.
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my theory is she was put into a very slow teleport that way she would be away from everyone so the transformation could go thought its effect without harming anyone, and it just now ended.
my theory about a slow teleport seems to be holding as her body would still function during it but at a much slower rate and shed be awake for all of it.
though I could be wrong, will read on.
If you can somehow find a copy editor or proofreader for your story, please do. This chapter has many basic grammatical errors. Which is weird because I don't remember as many of them being as obvious in previous chapters.
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It's possible that I did not track down much my errors on this chapter. Sorry for that :(
Honestly, I wish I could read this. I managed to read through a few chapters, and I have loved the premise and the characters, but the grammatical problems are too pervasive and attempting to parse what you meant to write from what is written is giving me too much of a headache to continue reading. If, after you get more practice with the English language, you were to go through and rewrite this story, I wouldn't be surprised if this became one of my all time favorites. I hope you keep writing so that you can improve and I recommend that you find or ask for an editor who is willing to both fix your errors and explain them to you. I wish you the best of luck.
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I am sorry to hear that, but thank for already read that far. Can you point out construct that either make no sense or are just hard to read/understand?
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Maybe next chapter (or the one after) will give you more hints on Celestia actions :)
Eeee! Nice to see an update!
I have to wonder what Chrysalis was getting in exchange for her help...
Is it just me, or grammar deteriorates rather drastically starting chapter 8?
7530378
Yes, the first 7-8 chapters get edited by someone and I did not do yet another pass myself after that.
7530655 well, I'd really recommend addressing that soon(ish). I've read first seven chapters in stride, and my mind than come to grinding halt around ninth, which I was unable to even finish... I appreciate your plot, but one honestly expects quality to go up (or at least stay level) as story progresses, not just drop.
*Pokes* is it dead? I hope it isn't.
Is this story still being worked on?
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More or Less. I should maybe put it on hiatus since I focus on progressing another story. But I really want to at least close this arc.
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What's the other story called?
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https://www.fimfiction.net/story/257170/morning-in-ponyville But I will try to finish to edit a chapter of TJ for this week.
8464467
Thanks.
They're going to be so cute together.
Gosh I'm glad to see this update, I missed this story.
If you write these on google docs you can send a suggestions link to some people to get on top of the grammar and spelling for you. Other than that, I look forward to seeing more c:
I should mention that this story is intriguing, but this chapter especially has truly awful spelling problems. I've seen typos, tense mismatches (talking about someone in present or future tense when the event was in the past), and even plural/singular errors. I suggest you paste it into a Google Docs page or a word processor to find the worst of them. Google Docs should also find most of the more subtle errors as well.
Haha, awww!