300 years ago, on the day of a solar eclipse, the two alicorn sisters disappeared. Equestria was in chaos, with no pony to lead them, so, thirty teams consisting of three ponies, one unicorn, earth pony, and Pegasus were deployed to find them. present day, princess twilight sparkle rules Equestria much like Celestia did. over the years, the importance of the search slowly but surely died down, and today, only four of the original thirty teams, now called seekers, are deployed in search of the now long lost sisters. one of the seeker teams, number three, has been missing for over three months now, and is presumed dead. Princess Twilight must now deploy another team in their place.
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> Why do we need a battle mage and an assassin rogue to help find the princesses? Can't they just be regular guards? Or is it because you're trying to make this story edgy?
> How exactly can someone "probably" look terrible? I understand if it's told from another character's perspective, but this is from the narrator's perspective.
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You exert more effort in writing the story. I can see that. But there are a lot of technical errors that it becomes detrimental to the plot. Just take a look at the description. It's one big wall of text. Come to think of it, most of the information in the description is either redundant, or is better off being shown in the story itself.
For example, the character information. I feel that it is more appropriate for the characters to be introduced in the story than in the description. Redundant information includes what I pointed above, what the seeker teams are composed of. We don't need to know that seeker teams consist of a combat medic, a battle mage, and an assassin rogue (whatever that is). Move the character information in the story and get rid of the redundant information altogether.
I suggest that you get an editor and perhaps a proofreader. Unpublish the story and work on it yourself if you have to.
6177881 Thank you for the input! well, I guess for starters, i should explain that, Equestria, while peaceful in it's cities and such, has become wild, overgrown, and dangerous, filled with monsters and such that will be explained in chapter 3 or 4.
you have a good point about the perspective. when i first started writing this, i was having trouble deciding whether or not I wanted to go First person for Andante, and things be interpreted from his point of view, or third person, being interpreted from all three character's point of view. I indefinitely decided to go third person, but that was about half-way through the chapter, so i had to go back and change a few things x3 guess I forgot about that one.
and I will see what i can do about the description. sorry if it's a bit of an eyesore x3
I have already begun re-editing the chapter, because i realize not enough of present day Equestria was explained. As for a proof-reader and such, I have a friend who volunteered, but she's out of town for the next few weeks with no way to check them...so, that won't happen for awhile.
and again, Thank you for your input