• Member Since 3rd Aug, 2014
  • online

deadpansnarker


"Be good to yourself, because nobody else has the power to make you happy."

E

An alternate take on events in the episode Amending Fences, where Moon Dancer never had a party, and her and Twilight Sparkle's relationship with Twinkle Shine, Minuette and Lemon Drops is ever so slightly different...

Sorry for shortening most of the characters names at various intervals... But I had enough typing to do as it was...

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 23 )

"making out as if nothing had happened."

Uhh, Shouldn't that be: "making up" or "going out".

6169542 Edited. But I would like to state for the record, that YOU sir/madam, have a very dirty mind now... :moustache:

6169549 I have long since embraced that side of myself.

As should everyone else. :ajsmug:


Also: "As if pretending nothing had happened"

Pretty sure you can take out the word, "pretending".

6169580 I COULD do... But, nah.

One of the minor perks of this being my story, y'see.

Still, thanks for the grammatical advice, and the unprecedented look at the inner workings of your psyche.

Much appreciated. Really. :eeyup:

In the episode they forgot about Lyra heartstrings. You could find her name at this point 03:00

Reeve #6 · Jul 5th, 2015 · · 3 ·

Funny, the whole 'they didn't really like her, they were just pretending to so they could reap the perks of being friends with a princess' thing was genuinely how I believed the episode was going to pan out, so I was expecting to like this.
I did not however, the writing is all fine apart form a few spelling mistakes peppered throughout, my main issue is with the pacing. One paragraph in and Twilight is already suspecting them, one sentence into her conversation with Moondancer and she's already letting out her bottled up emotions, and after one weirdly synchronised apology Moondancer (who need I remind you, was the one who didn't like the other three to begin with) allowed them to come in. Rushed really is the word for this story, but there were a few other nitpicks.

Sorry for shortening most of the characters names at various intervals... But I had enough typing to do as it was...

You wrote 2539 words (take a few), so either you consider that to be a lot which it most certainly isn't, or you just couldn't be arsed, either way it's hardly much more effort to write out names in full (in the cases of those who always have their names spoken in full, as opposed to characters like Twilight Sparkle who is actually referred to in the show as just Twilight from time to time).
You also overuse upper-case words, you use them for when characters are shouting as well as when they're adding emphasis to a word, you do realise there are italics for the latter right?
And finally you ended the story with a large and completely unnecessary dollop of Spike-wank. So yeah, started with a good idea, could've been better if you put some more effort into it rather than just churning out the most basic, safe thing.

6169702 Iintterreessttiinng. Do bear in mind that this story was indeed 'a rush job', I wasn't trying to write a masterpiece. Most of the stuff you've taken umbrage to probably could have been taken care of by someone with more time on their hands... Who alas, isn't me.

A few things I will say: Twilight had already been in the cafe for a few hours, so it's not like she suspected them right off the bat. And EVERYTHING Twilight's 'friends' did was synchronised... That was kind of the joke. Finally, as I inferred, Twilight's interactions with Dancer that day had extended throughout the morning, so it's not like this emotional tirade came from nowhere.

It's fine if you don't like it, and I'm not going to start pestering you to change your opinion (You must get that a lot, considering the statement you've left on your profile page). I hope that other people feel the same way when I constructively criticise their work on this site, as I've got plenty of aggro about that, as well.

Thanks for reading. Also, I don't care what ANYONE says... Your namesake will always be the best Superman :twilightsmile:

I think this story is pretty good and did a better job with the way the show set it.Most of twilight's (besides moon dancer and main 5) "friends", didn't seem to care as much about her.I mean seriously, no one but pinkie gets that hype to see and old friend.

Ok, Moondancer getting sad because Twilight missed ONE party? Yeah, one doesn't go from good friend to 'I'm just gonna blow you off for more important things' just like that. These things are gradual and take time. Twilight would've missed a lot more parties and Moondancer would've DEFINITELY noticed something by then.

This is just one big plot hole that they left in and made all of Moondancer's problems with Twilight irrelevant. Also, one more thing:

derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/11/10/469269__safe_comic_idw_spoiler-colon-comic_lemon+hearts_moondancer_tail+ribbon.png

This is the design I like more than the one in the show.

6172486 Wellllll, Moon Dancer did put herself out there for the first time ever by throwing that party and it was Minuette and the others who convcinced her to do it even though she wasn't as great of friends with them as Twilight knew them. However, Twilight knew Moon Dancer very well, to the point that they were genuinely the best of friends, so it's easy to believe that she would have a very big grudge against Twilight for not only missing out on her party, but for also leaving for nearly two years without so much as a good-bye, or drop of a line from somepony who's supposed to be her BEST FRIEND.

That being said, I think both versions- the canon and this story, work very well and would both be very good episodes.

6172937 I don't know. It's just not for me.

6172486
6172937
I agree with MasterSpike, and one could argue that Moon Dancer's own fault that Twilight never came to her party. Moon Dancer didn't even sent Twilight an invitation.

Frankly the whole 'Twilight having friends before she went to Ponyville (with the exception of Cadence, her brother and Spike) is unnecessary retcon if you ask me.

PS, good work on this story deadpansnarker.

7890035

Uh, you DO remember that they KNEW about the party before Twilight had to leave in the pilot episode right?

That's why Spike had the present. He even comments on it being the present FOR MOONDANCER that still had some of it undamaged.

7891719 True but Twilight never actually knew Moon Dancer wanted her to come to the party. And Spike could have heard about from somepony else.

Hey its just a theory, a Pony theory.

7891755
That... doesn't really make sense, though.

Moondancer was closest to TWILIGHT. And you want me to believe she didn't tell her closest friend to come to her party?

That's shenanigans. That's also BS.

7891896 Again this is just me but again the Twilight's friendship with Moon Dancer is unnecessary retcon. But I can respect your what believe in.

7891903
7891896
LOL Why on Earth has this story suddenly started attracting so much attention, more than a year after I first wrote it? :rainbowhuh:

I'd be the first to say it's not brilliant, but I really want to know why I'm getting upvotes and downvotes and comments for it now, after so long of basically nothing. Could someone please explain? Cheers. :twilightsmile:

7893292
I saw it appear in one of my groups, and just had a look.

Then I got into that discussion you see.

7893292 I found this and just wanted to explain how I felt.

Twilight can be quite blind for how smart she is. If she couldn't make the connection that princess Celestia and nightmare moon were the sister in the legend without being told. She could easily missed the clues that moondancer thought she was her best friend. Hell I can name at least ten times when twilight was more clueless than a rock!

Ticket master! All twilight had to do was refused to go. And she let everypony drive her nuts.

Griffon the brush-off. Twilight didn't even listen to pinkie talking about Gilda hurting Fluttershy emotional. She just assumed pinkie was jealous.

Boast busters. Twilight didn't even listen to spike who told her defending her friends is different from bragging. She didn't even listen to someone who knows her.

Lesson zero. Twilight also refused to listen to spike that he felt like it was bad enough to go behind twilight and call Celestia. She could have easily hurt somepony with that spell!

Swarm of the century. She ignore pinkie when she knew pinkie for awhile and still didn't even take her idea at all.

Owls that ends well. She didn't even notice spike was jealous of the owl and she even yelled at him cause him to run-a-away.

The best night ever twilight most likely have been to the gala before and should have known Celestia would be too busy to talk.

Too many pinkie pies. Twilight could even tell the clone pinkies and the real pinkie who was super sad.

Keep calm and flutter on.

Twilight didn't even trust Fluttershy at all even though she had been big help.

Castle mane-ia. She didn't take spike's fear of spiders into thought.

I'm just say twilight isn't good at catching clues. I could go on but won't. It is logical that twilight would miss the clue with moondancer anyway

7989183

Ticket master! All twilight had to do was refused to go. And she let everypony drive her nuts.

Yes, let's ignore the fact that she was never given an actual moment to think in the episode, it's not like every five seconds on of her friends or another was trying to get the other ticket. :ajbemused:

Griffon the brush-off. Twilight didn't even listen to pinkie talking about Gilda hurting Fluttershy emotional. She just assumed pinkie was jealous.

I think you have mistaken not believing with not listening because she clearly heard Pinkie out and since this was so early in their friendship she assumed that Pinkie jumped the gun, and given what we have seen up to that point, it's reasonable for Twilight to make such a conclusion.

Boast busters. Twilight didn't even listen to spike who told her defending her friends is different from bragging. She didn't even listen to someone who knows her.

Really... let's see Twilight hatched Spike, and he had to that point been extremely childish, so trust an immature boy who will say whatever to get you to do something and knows what to say because he 'knows' you or your instincts... hard choice:ajbemused:

Swarm of the century. She ignore pinkie when she knew pinkie for awhile and still didn't even take her idea at all.

... You are aware that Pinkie never took the time to talk to anypony and basically expected them to follow her blindly

Keep Calm and Flutter On: Twilight didn't even trust Fluttershy at all even though she had been big help.

... I think you are forgetting something the draconequus in the room, the avatar of chaos, the embodiment of disharmony...DISCORD!!!

The best night ever twilight most likely have been to the gala before and should have known Celestia would be too busy to talk.

So why did she ask if Spike went in Ticketmaster is she went to a gala? Oh because she never been to one, like it was said in The Ticket Master:ajbemused:

Owls that ends well. She didn't even notice spike was jealous of the owl and she even yelled at him cause him to run-a-away.

It's not like she didn't walk into him making a mess in an attempt to frame the bird. :ajbemused:

Lesson zero. Twilight also refused to listen to spike that he felt like it was bad enough to go behind twilight and call Celestia. She could have easily hurt somepony with that spell!

, it's not like people with only a tenuous grasp on sanity never reject a sane's person advice:ajbemused:

Too many pinkie pies. Twilight could even tell the clone pinkies and the real pinkie who was super sad.

How would she have known, from all the evidence she had she could have easily concluded that the dejected Pinkie was a fake, there was almost no way anyone aside from the audience to know the difference.

You're 1 for 10, try again

8095323

Ticket Master. There is a moment where Twilight was left alone for a few minutes. She KNEW Ponyville WAS a Small village. Twilight Can be forgiven because she was new to having friends.

Griffon The Brush-off. I recently re-watch that episode and when Pinkie told Twilight about Gilda all Twilight did was just kept reading until pinkie yelled to try help a friend and then she just accused Pinkie of being jealous without even listening until pinkie got steamed at her.

Boost Busters
Spike was only childish in that one episode. well everypony was Foalish in that episode even Trixie. Who tried to talk Twilight out of sending the letter in the first episode? Spike. Spike has help her before and Twilight should have listen to him.

swarm of the century Twilight had known pinkie for a little bit of time. she knew pinkie was random but always try to help to keep a smile on others.

Keep calm and Flutter On Twilight Knew Fluttershy for nearly a year at this point. She didn't even give Fluttershy a chance to try. she went with the others trying to sabotage Fluttershy.

Best night ever. It was never said that she hasn't been to the gala. she may have before because she is Princess Celestia's private student. and she said in Art of the Dress: I'll just where the one I wore last time. which set off rarity and the who concept of that episode.

Owls that ends well. Twilight didn't even notice him getting jealous even when he tried to talk to her about it. she snaps right out of the blue when Spike get caught.

lesson zero. Spike told her not to worry about it before she went insane.

too many pinkies pies. Twilight had been with them for a year. and saw Pinkie acting guilty before. there were obvious signs even Rainbow Dash Noticed the most headstrong pony notice something was different and twilight didn't.

True that flaw did get better in season four. But Twilight still has the problem of not seeing everything.

if there is a problem Twilight is more likely to think it's no big deal until something goes wrong.


anyways are you excited for season 7 airing tomorrow?

8095323
Well maybe Gilda was a jerk but pinkie wasn't totally innocent there either. That was supposed be dash and Gilda Time and pinkie kept butting in unwilling to let someone else have dash attention for a while. The pranks must have been too much after spending time trying to get away from pinkie.

Login or register to comment