Well I'm Garfield23 and I'm another Scottish Brony. Writing stories is one of my favourite hobbies.
How many ponies attempted to kill Redeye?
This is the story of a pony who tried and failed to do that very task. Was success denied because they were foolish or just unlucky? How many chances did they have? Well come judge for yorselves and see how failure is rewarded.
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good, but a little rush. could use some more detail in a few place like the arena, and red eye's speech was a little too short.
So if death is chapter 1, what is chapter 2? Is it just going to be more people who are bad at taking out Red Eye? As far as villains go, Red Eye makes for a weird target. He is actually good intentioned, so if you kill him, who ever takes his place is probably going to be worse. That is what makes him frustrating.
It is hard to care for a character we only get to see so very little of, even as a tragedy it is hard to feel how painful a moment is without seeing how high they reached up before things came crashing down. We don't have the emotional attachment to the characters yet, and we kinda know that they are going to get offed anyway. This story can be interesting, but it is also really hard to pull off. It falls into a stereotype of execution scenes we have seen before. It needs something to spice it up.
6157928 With Redeye the problem is I didn't think he'd waste time on somepony he viewed as lesser than him. Thanks for the feedback.
6158041 One of my favorite books is called Private Peaceful and with it starts the story at the end with the main character reflecting on the destiny that morning will bring. Michael Morepheo is one of my favorite authors and I probably just spelt his name wrong. The point I wanted for the first chapter was to start with the end and then the other chapters can be used to show how this pony came about such a horrible end. Motivation, character description and type of pony were left a mystery on purpose. The project is ambitious but I want to create a character that's open to interpretation. Spicing up will be the beyond difficult because the original Fallout Equestria had characters like Steelhooves and Calamity, Fallout Equestria Project Horizons had Rampage and Blackjack. Villains as well are going to be hard. Your right that this will be a challenge but I want to see if I can do it and I will see it through! Thank you for the feedback, it was a very useful piece of feedback.
6158095 Going with something that begins with the ending is going to be difficult to pull off with a serialization. In a book, the writer has had time to flesh out the characters story, and by the time you are reading that first chapter that begins with the ending, the writer has a well developed idea of what is iconic to the character and their journey.
While I agree that Steelhooves and Calamity are great characters, you can't go into story writing while setting a ceiling for yourself. You are going to have to create the best damn characters you can imagine, so don't worry about Steelhooves or Blackjack, do your own thing. Make characters that excite you and move you. Make characters that ask the right questions, think in interesting ways, surprise the audience, and prove themselves as profound members of your team. Make them have struggles and biases and personalities that cause for interesting conflicts. Make them symbols of things you want to show the audience. Give them hobbies and fears. Make them interesting, but don't tell yourself "Oh, they couldn't live up to Steelhooves or Rampage or any of them."
6160635 Thank you. Your right, Steelhooves, Calamity and Blackjack were just examples. I'm aware of difficulty of creating good OC Characters. I think with my main character, it would be easier to base it on a real person and imagine how'd they respond to a situation. In the end I always give 110% in my writing and I'm not setting myself targets as they would annoy me. I want to tell a story of adventurous characters and attempt to blow away my own expectations. Thank you for your amazing feedback. All I can say now is read the next chapter, I'll hope I can write a character as good as possible and hopefully more than one.
Where's the next chapter?
8366161
I agree revealing the ending would be a stupid thing to do. However I didn't reveal the ending.