• Member Since 26th Jun, 2015
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ChangelingQueenDragonfly

A pretty good artist, likes to write but is not THAT good

ChangelingQueenDragonfly Joined 26th Jun, 2015 · Offline

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Part of The Princessverse

This story takes place before magical mystery cure and goes off the basis that it and everything after it never happened.

Fluttershy lives a somewhat normal existence in ponyville. However, one fateful night, everything changes. Fluttershy is told she must go on a journey with her friends to find an object nopony has ever heard of, even the two alicorn princesses. On the way, newly crowned Princess Fluttershy and friends will encounter many obstacles, and meet many new ponies, some will be friendly, some will not. all the while they are followed by an ancient evil. One that has awoken very recently...
Chapters (10)
Incomplete Published: Jun 27th, 2015 Download
5,418 words
Comments ( 13 )
ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #1 · Jun 27th, 2015 · · · Prologue: the pegasus and the alicorn ·
Reply

If you find any spelling or grammar errors, don't hesitate to say
So. I would really appreciate it.
Also, if you have any suggestions, post them. Your comment
Might just be in a future chapter.

Until chapter 2, seeya!:raritywink:

ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #3 · Jun 27th, 2015 · · · Interlude: Rarity's dream ·
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Was this chapter the reason for the 3 dislikes? I think it was.
:raritydespair:

ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #4 · Jun 28th, 2015 · · · chapter two: The Strange Temple ·
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well, here's chapter two!:yay:

also, thans again to ADiscordianfollower for agreeing to preread.

this chapter. writing this chapter caused me PAIN. first, the site froze and i had to redo a large portion of it. then,
it took forever to save, and wouldn't let me stop it from attempting, so i had to redo ANOTHER portion, smaller this time,
but still.

All in all, I'm happy with the way this turned out.

until chapter 3, seeya!:raritywink:

ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #5 · Jun 29th, 2015 · · · chapter two: The Strange Temple ·
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Chapter three is almost upon us. It's called "Meanwhile, in Canterlot," and it's almost finished!:yay:

ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #6 · Jul 1st, 2015 · · · Chapter Three: Meanwhile, in Canterlot ·
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6156260

Thanks for the feedback, and sorry I didn't have a more descriptive description. When I wrote it, I hadn't the slightest Idea how I was going to go with it, and I figured(wrongly) that the title was self-explanatory. I'll fix that. Also, even though you didn't mention this problem, my updating has been random at best, and I may or may not attempt to fix it, but I'm also working on two unsubmitted fics, so I'm working on this one a LOT less frequently. So, I will update the description because now I have a better understanding of where this thing is going. However, I couldn't help but notice you didn't say anything about the story itself, despite the comment being on the most recent chapter.:duck: I mean, You don't have to...

ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #7 · Jul 1st, 2015 · · · Chapter Three: Meanwhile, in Canterlot ·
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Well, fixed it! I think it's a pretty spoiler freeish but descriptive description.(I say freeish because it hasn't gotten interesting yet.)
Also the ancient evil is an oc, sorry about the lack of an oc tag, the tag limit is 5 tags total.(how many times did I say "tag" in that sentence?):derpytongue2::coolphoto:

ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #8 · Jul 4th, 2015 · · · Chapter Three: Meanwhile, in Canterlot ·
Reply

6163959

One other thing that jumped out at me is the fact that you capitalize a lot of words for no reason.

The reason so many words are capitalizedseemingly no reason is that the original drafts were done on a phone, I simply reformatted it to fit a computer screen. The prolouge, chapter one, and the interlude are the only chapters that have this problem.

I know that "pegasus" is sometimes capitalized, but that's when you're referring to the character Pegasus from greek mythology. In the show, a pegasus is just another type of creature, so it's not capitalized.

Also because I was doing it on a phone. The typing software would autocorrect it to have a capital "p," and I forgot to go in and fix them.

Furthermore, you don't need to describe what the characters look like when you introduce them. You have the benefit of writing about pre-established characters, so we already know what they look like. If you were introducing a completely new character, then it would make sense to describe their appearance.

This "error" is actually intentional. I put it in for dramatic effect. I also did the same thing for the CMC, and Spike. I know it's not everyone's thing, and I only did it the first few times.

Let's look at the prologue: you call it "The beginning", but the beginning of what? All that happens in this chapter is that Fluttershy puts her animals to bed. There's so much more you could add here.

The reasoning it has an unfitting title is that I name the chapters BEFORE I write them, and I wasn't thinking about the chapter TITLE when I wrote the TITLE. But you're right.:pinkiesad2: (Also, this has nothing to do with the meassage itself, but it should've been "you call it 'the beggining,' but..." NOT "you call it 'the beggining', but..." Commas go INSIDE quotation marks. Just sayin')

I feel like this is unnecessary. You shouldn't have to tell us what you're going to do to format the story, you should just do it! We'll notice what you're doing even if you don't tell us, I promise. :twilightsmile:

I did it so people wouldn't get confused, and also as a "warning," because I know some people don't like that format, and I don't want any of those people genning an unpleasant surprise.

There are other grammatical errors and spelling mistakes throughout the story, so I suggest you ask your proofreader to look at that.

I don't have a proofreader. I have a pre-reader, ADiscordianfollower, but he only pre-read:
Prologue: The Beginning
Chapter one: The Midnight Crusade
Interlude: Rarity's Dream
Not to discredit him, though. He has been VERY supportive. But no, I don't have a proofreader.

Anyway, thanks again for the criticism, I appreciate it.:pinkiesmile::pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile::pinkiehappy:

ChangelingQueenDragonfly
ChangelingQueenDragonfly #9 · Jul 5th, 2015 · · · Chapter Three: Meanwhile, in Canterlot ·
Reply

6168191

Transferring something from one format to another can be a pain.

Yes, yes it can.

I don't see how describing characters' appearances contributes to any sort of "dramatic effect". Could you please elaborate on this?

What I MEANT was that I only did this before I stated the wich character I was talking about, like- "Oh, yellow pegasus, must be fluttershy!" sorry about the poor communication, though my new explanation might not be any better.

You shouldn't choose a title just because it sounds good before you even write anything.

True, true. Although that "explanation" was really more of a guess. I wrote it a while ago, and at night, so who knows what was going through my head at the time?:twilightblush:

If you're using American rules for quotation marks, you're right. However, I'm from Canada, so I use the British rules, which say that commas go outside the quotation marks when it is logical to do so, i.e. when the comma is a part of the sentence as a whole but not a part of the material being quoted.

Huh. I didn't know you were from Canada. I didn't even know there was more than one comma system. well, as they say, "the more you know, the more you know." Or was it "you learn something every day?":rainbowlaugh:

However, I usually see it in crime stories, because there's usually a time limit for something the main characters are doing, and the ticking clock creates suspense. That's why I don't think stating the time fits with the genre you're going for. There's no specified time limit, so there's nothing that stating the time can really build up. As for the location, that should come across in your writing.

How can you be certain there is no time limit? Don't eliminate all possibilities at the beginning, or you'll never find out about things, and you will never earn your pinkie sense.:pinkiegasp: Oh, crap. I just gave out a massive spoiler didn't I?(not the thing about the pinkie sense, that was a joke. Or was it...:pinkiecrazy:) Also I am planning on making an MLP/CSI crossover at some point.

As for warning people so they aren't "unpleasantly surprised", I don't see how that would help anyway. They either like it or they don't, and telling them that it's there is not going to make them like it any more.

I know that.

I'm confused because of this:

Also, special thanks to ADiscordianfollower for agreeing to be my proofreader/pre-reader.

I did say he was a proofreader, didn't I? Well he isn't, sorry for saying he is, that little detail COMPLETELY slipped my mind. Nope, he's not a proofreader, he's a pre-reader. Sorry!

Out of curiosity, what does ADiscordianfollower do as your pre-reader? Do they offer plot suggestions, correct grammar, or something else?

When I let him do his job, he tells me if he likes it or not, before I publish it. Otherwise, he just waits for it to be published like everyone else.

Let me know if I'm still being helpful. I don't want to be too harsh.

Don't worry, you don't sound harsh!:twilightblush: Also, as always, thanks for the criticizm, much appreciated! You can criticize the other chapters, if you like, I don't have a problem with it.:twilightsmile:

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