All Hail Princess Fluttershy

by ChangelingQueenDragonfly

Chapter Three: Meanwhile, in Canterlot

Canterlot Royal Archives
5:00am

Princess Celestia was confused. Her faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, had sent her a letter telling her the events that had happened that morning and, try as she might, couldn't find any information on the events. A large beast guarding an ancient temple wasn't too mysterious, Equestria was probably dotted with them, but how it behaved, and the events that followed it being found were unexplainable at best, impossible at absolute worst. Twilight is my most faithful student, and I trust her judjement, but this is all very strange, and nothing adds up, she thought, sighing. If facts can't explain what's happening, perhaps legends can, she mused, levitating an ancient looking book down from a shelf. The cover read, Legends and Myths of Ancient Equestria: Separating fact and fiction. The book in itself wasn't that old, it had been added to the archives only two years prior. Celestia knew that the book had been designed to look that way, for reasons she was unsure of.
No point in getting distracted. I have research to do, thought Celestia, then paused.
"I'm starting to sound like Twilight," she chuckled to herself as she opened the book. It took a few minutes, but she found somethinng
similar to what Twilight had described. It read:
"Itis rumored that, in anient times, there was a temple guarded by a creature of large size. many ponies went to the temple to try
and get in, but were stopped by the guard. It is also said that only a pony with a pure heart would be let in. ponies that met this supposed requirement were taken there, but rejected, and told the temple was looking for 'the mare with the mark of kindness.' It is unknown what was supposedly inside the temple, or who the guard was looking for. Fact or legend: final judgement: Legend"
Celestia sighed and pushed the book aside. The legend had been extremely close to matching the situation, but had been proven to be just a legend. I suppose I'll just have to keep looking, She thought, defeated.
"Need help?" asked a dark blue alicorn.
"Oh, hello Luna. I was looking for a legend that matched this letter that Twilight sent me," explained Celestia.
"Well, you seem to have something right there," said Luna, gesturing at the book, still opened to the page celestia had given up on.
"What's wrong with that information?"
"It mostly matches the letter, but it was proven to be only a legend," replied Celestia.
"How do you know the writers hadn't just compared it to what they thought was possible, and assumed it was false?"
"What makes you say that?" asked Celestia.

The Chamber of Light
?:??am

Blinding white light surrounded Fluttershy as she walked on. She didn't dare open her eyes from fear of permanent damage, and
because of knowing that even if the light wasn't harmful, she wouldn't be able to see anyways. As she went further and further in,
she got a nagging feeling that she was getting nowhere.
Fluttershy... Open your eyes Fluttershy.. See the light Fluttershy... Trust the light... Fluttershy... Trust yourself Fluttershy... Open
Your eyes... Your destiny is unfolding, Fluttershy..."
"Fluttershy! FLUTTERSHY! Fluttershy? Where are you! Fluttershy!" Fluttershy opened her eyes, blinking to adjust to the sudden change. Looking around, fluttershy saw why she felt like she hadn't been getting anywhere. she had been on an enchanted path that kept her in place as long as she couldn't see.
Well, now I can go forward. That was a tricky puzzle to solve. Hopefully I won't come across anything dangerous, she thought as
she approached the door to the next chamber in the seemingly endless temple.

Outside the Temple
6:00am

Twilight Sparkle was getting more and more worried. each moment when Fluttershy didn't come out of the temple caused her to panic even more. She was so worried that she had begun pacing on the thick stone floor of the temple's entrance.
"Hey Twilight! Nice groove! Where'd ya get it?" asked Pinkie Pie, walking over to Twilight.She paused to think. "No! Don't tell me! lemme guess! uhhh... You were pacing cause you're worried about Fluttershy!"
"Groove? What groove?" asked Twilight, then looked around. "Oh. Yeah, you're right, Pinkie. Uh, could you help me get out?"
"Sure! just let me grab my party cannon."said Pinkie, before zipping off.
"Pinkie! Now is NOT the time!" groaned Twilight
"Not the time for what?" asked Pinkie innocently as she lowered a rope. "My party cannon made this rope to help!"
"Bu- bu- wha- huh!?!?"
"Don't question the logic, darling, you'll end up with a terrible headache," said Rarity, with a tiny smile.

Author's Note:

New chapter, new POV. yay!

Also, why the lack of comments? No suggestions? At all?
Best princess unknowingly figured it out.
Plus: MORE FLUTTERSHY

Comments

[ChangelingQueenDragonfly]

6156260

Thanks for the feedback, and sorry I didn't have a more descriptive description. When I wrote it, I hadn't the slightest Idea how I was going to go with it, and I figured(wrongly) that the title was self-explanatory. I'll fix that. Also, even though you didn't mention this problem, my updating has been random at best, and I may or may not attempt to fix it, but I'm also working on two unsubmitted fics, so I'm working on this one a LOT less frequently. So, I will update the description because now I have a better understanding of where this thing is going. However, I couldn't help but notice you didn't say anything about the story itself, despite the comment being on the most recent chapter. I mean, You don't have to...

[ChangelingQueenDragonfly]

Well, fixed it! I think it's a pretty spoiler freeish but descriptive description.(I say freeish because it hasn't gotten interesting yet.)
Also the ancient evil is an oc, sorry about the lack of an oc tag, the tag limit is 5 tags total.(how many times did I say "tag" in that sentence?)

[ChangelingQueenDragonfly]

6163959

One other thing that jumped out at me is the fact that you capitalize a lot of words for no reason.

The reason so many words are capitalizedseemingly no reason is that the original drafts were done on a phone, I simply reformatted it to fit a computer screen. The prolouge, chapter one, and the interlude are the only chapters that have this problem.

I know that "pegasus" is sometimes capitalized, but that's when you're referring to the character Pegasus from greek mythology. In the show, a pegasus is just another type of creature, so it's not capitalized.

Also because I was doing it on a phone. The typing software would autocorrect it to have a capital "p," and I forgot to go in and fix them.

Furthermore, you don't need to describe what the characters look like when you introduce them. You have the benefit of writing about pre-established characters, so we already know what they look like. If you were introducing a completely new character, then it would make sense to describe their appearance.

This "error" is actually intentional. I put it in for dramatic effect. I also did the same thing for the CMC, and Spike. I know it's not everyone's thing, and I only did it the first few times.

Let's look at the prologue: you call it "The beginning", but the beginning of what? All that happens in this chapter is that Fluttershy puts her animals to bed. There's so much more you could add here.

The reasoning it has an unfitting title is that I name the chapters BEFORE I write them, and I wasn't thinking about the chapter TITLE when I wrote the TITLE. But you're right. (Also, this has nothing to do with the meassage itself, but it should've been "you call it 'the beggining,' but..." NOT "you call it 'the beggining', but..." Commas go INSIDE quotation marks. Just sayin')

I feel like this is unnecessary. You shouldn't have to tell us what you're going to do to format the story, you should just do it! We'll notice what you're doing even if you don't tell us, I promise.

I did it so people wouldn't get confused, and also as a "warning," because I know some people don't like that format, and I don't want any of those people genning an unpleasant surprise.

There are other grammatical errors and spelling mistakes throughout the story, so I suggest you ask your proofreader to look at that.

I don't have a proofreader. I have a pre-reader, ADiscordianfollower, but he only pre-read:
Prologue: The Beginning
Chapter one: The Midnight Crusade
Interlude: Rarity's Dream
Not to discredit him, though. He has been VERY supportive. But no, I don't have a proofreader.

Anyway, thanks again for the criticism, I appreciate it.

[ChangelingQueenDragonfly]

6168191

Transferring something from one format to another can be a pain.

Yes, yes it can.

I don't see how describing characters' appearances contributes to any sort of "dramatic effect". Could you please elaborate on this?

What I MEANT was that I only did this before I stated the wich character I was talking about, like- "Oh, yellow pegasus, must be fluttershy!" sorry about the poor communication, though my new explanation might not be any better.

You shouldn't choose a title just because it sounds good before you even write anything.

True, true. Although that "explanation" was really more of a guess. I wrote it a while ago, and at night, so who knows what was going through my head at the time?

If you're using American rules for quotation marks, you're right. However, I'm from Canada, so I use the British rules, which say that commas go outside the quotation marks when it is logical to do so, i.e. when the comma is a part of the sentence as a whole but not a part of the material being quoted.

Huh. I didn't know you were from Canada. I didn't even know there was more than one comma system. well, as they say, "the more you know, the more you know." Or was it "you learn something every day?"

However, I usually see it in crime stories, because there's usually a time limit for something the main characters are doing, and the ticking clock creates suspense. That's why I don't think stating the time fits with the genre you're going for. There's no specified time limit, so there's nothing that stating the time can really build up. As for the location, that should come across in your writing.

How can you be certain there is no time limit? Don't eliminate all possibilities at the beginning, or you'll never find out about things, and you will never earn your pinkie sense. Oh, crap. I just gave out a massive spoiler didn't I?(not the thing about the pinkie sense, that was a joke. Or was it...) Also I am planning on making an MLP/CSI crossover at some point.

As for warning people so they aren't "unpleasantly surprised", I don't see how that would help anyway. They either like it or they don't, and telling them that it's there is not going to make them like it any more.

I know that.

I'm confused because of this:

Also, special thanks to ADiscordianfollower for agreeing to be my proofreader/pre-reader.

I did say he was a proofreader, didn't I? Well he isn't, sorry for saying he is, that little detail COMPLETELY slipped my mind. Nope, he's not a proofreader, he's a pre-reader. Sorry!

Out of curiosity, what does ADiscordianfollower do as your pre-reader? Do they offer plot suggestions, correct grammar, or something else?

When I let him do his job, he tells me if he likes it or not, before I publish it. Otherwise, he just waits for it to be published like everyone else.

Let me know if I'm still being helpful. I don't want to be too harsh.

Don't worry, you don't sound harsh! Also, as always, thanks for the criticizm, much appreciated! You can criticize the other chapters, if you like, I don't have a problem with it.

[ChangelingQueenDragonfly]

Working on a new chapter now!