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Crazy stallion that made Ponyfinder, because Ponies make everything better, D&D included.

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While dealing with especially troublesome students, Starlight Glimmer offers Cheerilee a way to escape the rut her life's become.

First Published
25th Jun 2015
Last Modified
25th Jun 2015
#1 · 86w, 5d ago · · ·

Saved by Communism!

~ Neon Lights

#2 · 86w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

Interesting short. Cheerilee's decision was very in character.

#3 · 86w, 5d ago · 2 · ·

Ugh. Serious Starlight Glimmer stories always creep me out. Soul mutilating smooth talkers just aren't my cup of tea. Still, this one turned out fairly well. (And Starlight has guts, showing her face inTwilght's town.)

#4 · 86w, 5d ago · · ·

>>6131656 She even used Twilight's name as leverage, without lying.

#5 · 86w, 5d ago · · ·

...huh.  Yep, that's Cheerilee, alright.  I think the most interesting aspect of this is Cheerilee's interpretation of destiny.  She thinks it's unchangeable, but she also thinks it is the best possible way for things to be.  An optimistic futilitarian is an odd concept, but if there is such thing, she would definitely be one.  

She's right about being needed.  Ponyville would descend into anarchy without Cheerilee; aside from a couple times each by Twilight and Applejack, she is the only pony ever shown administering discipline of any kind. Thumbs up.

#6 · 86w, 5d ago · · ·

You could probably mark this slice of life to get more exposure.

#7 · 86w, 5d ago · · ·

>>6131662 Dude! I thought you were going to do that idea I gave you... You need to do it at some point...

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

#9 · 86w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

I see no errors, grammatical or regarding characters. No hideous leaps of logic or boring exposition. This fanfic is a rare gem. My only complaint is that it is far too short.

#10 · 86w, 5d ago · · ·

>>6131902 Writing a one-shot was my specific challenge.

#11 · 86w, 4d ago · · ·

Hmm... This is at the top of my 'will read soon list'

#12 · 86w, 4d ago · · ·

Halfway through her sketch, she felt something small and wet slap up against her flank.

You don't really need the "up" in this sentence.

"Whoever did that had best put that away or they won't be getting it back, ever, and we'll spend twice as long going over this all after class."

I'd change "this all" to "all this."

#13 · 86w, 4d ago · · ·

hum a interesting idea.

a good short story vary well put together.

Harts Fire

#14 · 86w, 4d ago · · ·

>>6133155 Tweaks applied to avoid detention.

#15 · 86w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

>>6133243 So reading this over, I get the sensation that this story is like a flower that was picked before its petals were fully opened. That is, what's here is technically a complete tale unto itself, but there's so much more that could have been done with it. I'm not saying that the tale should have gone further than it did, but rather that what is here really needs to be fleshed out more.

In essence, this is the story of Cheerilee having a rough day at her job, and being tempted to throw it all away, with the promise that doing so will allow her to explore who she really is, outside of her guise as a teacher. After some consideration, Cheerliee rejects the offer, being at peace with who she is, knowing that even if it's rough sometimes, it's ultimately worthwhile.

That's certainly a worthwhile tale, but one thousand words doesn't seem like enough to do it justice. As it is, the fic does deliver on the point that it's trying to get across, but it has to jettison most everything else to get there. For example, we have absolutely no exposition given with regards to Starlight Glimmer. She shows up out of nowhere, tempts Cheerilee for no particular reason, and then leaves when it doesn't work. In essence, she's a plot device here, rather than a person. Why is she targeting Cheerilee specifically? What is her ultimate goal (beyond the presumption of simply trying to propagate her anti-cutie mark philosophy)? Without knowing her motivation, her presence in this fic becomes nothing more than a foil for the protagonist, which is the very definition of "one-dimensional."

More noteworthy is how fast Cheerilee's internal conflict resolves itself. Self-doubt is a great form of drama, as it forces the character to introspect, reviewing how they got to where they are in their life, questioning what they believe, and resolving what they want for their future once they've made up their minds. In essence, they're questing for their own sense of identity. However, it's hard to call that a "quest" in any regard if it's solved with two minutes of talking.

The core of this fic is Cheerliee's doubt that her current life is worthwhile. However, the arc of the story isn't about what answer she comes to, but what she goes through to come to her answer. And she goes through...a brief conversation with a bit of wavering, before deciding she's right. This isn't so much anticlimactic as it is lacking in build-up to begin with. Like dough with no yeast, the drama simply isn't allowed to rise before everything's done.

To be fair, this is a problem of pacing, rather than construction. The story works, but it's very skeletal. Perhaps that's appropriate for Cheerilee though - a short story for a minor character.

#16 · 86w, 4d ago · · ·

>>6133280 Sure, I could write another sprawling 100k mess. I do that a lot. The specific challenge was to make a short and sweet story that stands up on its own. Looking for a novel out of this feels like a disservice. It's like saying any given MLP episode could be a season to itself, and many of them could be, but aren't, and never will be.

#17 · 86w, 4d ago · · ·

>>6133302 I'm not saying that it has to be a novel, but rather that this is so brief that it's not allowing the main theme to flourish. A couple thousand more words would have been sufficient, I suspect.

#18 · 86w, 4d ago · · ·

>>6133280 I kind of agree. This is a great story, it just feels like there could be even more. If Cheerilee had decided to take the offer, would the foals have blamed the one who shot that spitball? Would said foal be pressured to try and win back their teacher? What would Cheerilee do if not teaching, especially since the Flower Trio seem like they have a pretty tight monopoly in Ponyville.

#19 · 86w, 3d ago · · ·

>>6133280

Perhaps that's appropriate for Cheerilee though - a short story for a minor character.

Them's fightin' words, m8!:twilightangry2:

All joking aside, this was a nice little story. Alzirus really summed up my thoughts exactly; it was good, but it could have been so much more. Eh, it's not a bad thing though. Any Cheerilee story that doesn't require brain bleach afterwords is a welcome sight to me. Have an upvote from me!

#20 · 86w, 3d ago · · ·

>>6135867 Cheerilee deserves nice stories too!

#21 · 79w, 5d ago · · ·

Huh. I figured a cult leader would try harder to manipulate Cheerilee... Or maybe she's acting like Cheerilee has a choice in the matter? I wonder if this story will have anything else added to it. It definitely has the potential.

I really do feel for Cheerilee, though. She may get upset over the things that her profession entails, but she still understands that it's choice in life and she puts up with her misgivings because she knows that it's a part of her job.

Adding to my bookshelf!

#22 · 79w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

>>6310101 It's not a perfect life, but it's her life, and she knows she is making a difference for many others. She is a good pony.

#23 · 72w, 4h ago · · ·

This story either needs a sequel or it needs to be built upon.  What I read here sounds like the opening chapter of what could become an epic story.  

#24 · 72w, 4h ago · · ·

>>6495897 And yet, it is a perfect little slice right where it is. I've written plenty of epic meanderings. I'll write plenty more.

#25 · 67w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

>>6495897 I'm right there with you Storm, this fic could be built upon more or could use a sequel, but you don't have to listen to me, I'm just a skeleton who can't seem to get into the Royal Guard no matter what I do.

#26 · 55w, 5d ago · · ·

Cheerilee watched at Starlight walked out the door at a sedate pace,

as

I don't remember that typo last time I read the story, Starlight Glimmer must have put it there out of spite.

#28 · 49w, 16h ago · · ·

>>6131662 Guessing this is before that little time war of theirs, Starlight seems very held back in her endeavours here or is this how she works it?

#29 · 49w, 15h ago · · ·

>>7029006 This was written long before any season enders involving our favorite equality pony.

#30 · 8w, 4d ago · · ·

>>6131656 the unequal is my fav :)

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