This story is a sequel to Secrets of the Everfree
What happens when two sonic rainbooms are performed at EXACTLY the same time? Why, it creates a parallel universe, of course. Only, this is a universe where Acrylic never meets Torchwood. Therefore, the Seventh Element isn't formed, and worse, Charcoal Stormwood is never born to stop Chrysalis from invading Equestria. Yeah, things are pretty messed up.
Now, Ditzy and the Doctor have to get Acrylic and Torchwood to realize they have feelings for each other... and maybe discover such feelings for themselves. This should be good.
I HIGHLY reccomend reading the prequels first, considering that the alternate universe and characters are based off of the existing one. If you jump right in, you will be REALLY confused.
Wow! Pretty cool! What will you think of next???
Okay, where to begin?
Let's start with formatting; It is too bunched up, making it confusing for even an average reader to understand. The dialog is just iffy. Your use of colloquial phrasing is too common, or at least over-used. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! A few word order problems, which is good and your use of passive voice could be better.
Spelling. Horrible. Enough said.
Your word choice is lacking in many areas. Mostly during the dialog and description.
And the storyline could be a little diluted for the sake of "suspense".
Other than the main problems that could be easily fixed. The most problematic of the chapter is the presentation.
It is somewhat interesting, but not as much as It could be. Sorry, but get an editor or a new one. If you can't access one for any reason. I would strongly suggest taking an advanced English course. You have the skill. So don't stop writing.
I'll start with what could be better first.
I can't really seem to see what your story is focused on, so far it seems to be dialogue but you make the dialogue sound so mechanical in the first chapter, and it somewhat improves in the second. You may want to add some text after the speech, things like 'she said with a hint of doubt' or 'he cringed with anger' to maybe get some facial expressions and emotions.
Your spacing is a littleclutteredbecauseyoukindofputeverythingclosetogetherwithoutspacingitout. But seriously, just some simple "tapping enter" after the dialogue to make it look neater would make this whole much more readable.
Instead of this:
Make it:
It may not seem like it, but it really helps.
Also, the mood of the first chapter changed with literally NO warning. Maybe add someone like charcoal having a distress and something seems wrong, then that cliche thing where he would be like: "Everybody run!" or something like that.
And finally, give more information about setting. Most of this has just been straight dialogue with no other input, so I don't really have a basis to go off of when I want to imagine what it looks like. Even if this is a dialogue based story, it can't just be them talking or else it's just more of a script.
I'd maybe even consider making chapters longer, but if you added all the stuff above I mentioned - specifically the setting description - and it would space the chapter out to a much longer one, which is generally more likable.
What's good is your idea, it seems interesting and despite not even reading the prequel I'm drawn in. Though your ability to deliver it can use work, it's a diamond in the rough.
6111978
Then please, point out the typos you see. I've looked it over and run it through spell check, but I haven't seen anything that wasn't intentional: things such as 'pardner' are just meant to relay Applejack's heavy accent, and some words like 'stallionfriend' are joined because, well, you spell 'boyfriend' as one word, don't you? But if I've misspelled anything else, I would very much like to correct it.
Thank you for your input.
6113768 OK give me a few minutes.
Okay, after finding my Oxford, Harvard, and Urban dictionary's. Let's begin.
“Ya got this, pardner!”= Pardner. Should be; Partner.
I couldn't find "destral" anywhere. So if this word is a word, then please give a definition for it.
Stormwood's= should be StormWoods. The 's= is a multiple, unnecessary.
rainboom= should be Rainboom because it's a name for an action or description of said action. Normally this is not the case, but it should be considered.
Their other former changeling friend, Fink, an orange and green-maned thestral, both lived in the castle with Charcoal, and tagged along wherever he went. The comma after Charcoal should be removed.
stallionfriend= Usually stallion friend, but since it's an improper artical in some case's. It's ok.
Guardspony= should be guards pony.
perfectly-combed. Take out the dash. perfectly combed.
They forced the sky to submit to their speed, parting in their wake. "Parting." Separating would be a better word.
travelling= traveling. One extra L'.
hoofful= another odd case, but hoof-full is sometimes better. "Sometime's."
Other than those less obvious one's. Most of the others are generally colloquial in structure. Though, it does cause a few problems with how the sentence works. The rest are general case's that should be used carefully. Oh! Thanks for teaching me thestral. I didn't know that word existed. I like my words.
6113929
'Destral' and 'thestral' were explained in the last book. A destral is the alicorn equivalent of a thestral.
Despite all the faults found, it is still a nice idea on your part.
Ignore the haters, this is great!
I hope you update soon, because I would REALLY like to see more of this!!!
This is amazing, spectacular and every other good word! I am really enjoying this on so many levels!!!
:D
I can't wait for more, and I hope you don't let the meanie dislikers get to you <3
Being honest, I am having trouble trying to figure out if I like this story like the others. Then again, it is just how my mind works.
It will most likely take a few more chapters to get into this story, but I still like what you have done with it.
Oooooooooo I can just see the Doctors reaction right now, and it's making me shiver.
I'm so excited for more, and thank you so, so, so much for updating so quickly! I hope I'm not pressuring you though!
6152075
So no, you're not pushing me at all 
No pressure at all! In fact, I love and appreciate your enthusiasm. I've actually finished the story already, and the only reason I haven't posted everything yet is because I think people are getting tired of me blowing up their phones.
... "Emergeny: You're my boyfriend."
"Ok! I may be rusty in a few areas!"
I caught that(Well, probably unintentionally referenced
Awesome job so far! Geronimo!
6152195 Yay! This makes me so unbelievably happy, you don't understand!
So excited!! :D
That was great! I loved Torchwood and Cedars reaction to the Doctor; totally hilarious!
I hope to find more soon, because I seriously jump when I see you've updated. (seriously) Maybe I live for this? heheheheh, I don't mind.
You're such a good writer! I aspire to one day be like you, in writing :D
... I love how fast you update. YEEEESSS
I completely forgot about Crysalis (I probably misspelt that), until she made the Doctor call her Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.
Also, I am loving the story so far, and I know I tell you every second chapter, but it's so true!
The reason why I only comment every second chapter, is because I just finish what you give us, then comment.
Can't wait for the next shipment, and I can't wait to see how this 'Love Spell' works out! :D
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
So shocked! Ditzy goes with Acrylic? What will this do to the timeline? Will Ditzy help Twilight, Acrylic AND Cadence? Will Time Turner be fooled by the fake that Chrysalis will probably put up?
So many questions! Not enough answers!
I'm so engrossed in this, that I can't help but re-read the entire story each time you upload :D
I am loving your stories, in fact, I once read your Great Expectations, and loved it, without even knowing that you had this series. I so wish I found tis series sooner, as I am LOVING every bit of it. Rock on!! :D
Acrylic is really sweet, and although, truthfully, in that situation, I wouldn't be as accepting... I still enjoyed this, and Acrylic is so nice to Ditzy- unlike some haters >:(
Chrysalis and Torchwood made me laugh :D
I fist pumped when I saw that you updated, and also,
WHY 20 DISLIKES??!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
I just wanted to ask, how many chapters are there in this story?
If you don't want to answer, that's totally fine, and I totally understand :)
6173452
23 in all, so we're almost done. May do a mass update soon just to get the rest up.
6174440 Cool! Thanks so much for telling me :D
Now back in chapter 6, I wrote, and I quote
I have now figured out that I do indeed like this story, thanks to this chapter + chapter 17.
Keep up the good work.
This is getting better and better
^^^^^
I can agree with that!
I loved this chapter, and it's probably my favourite so far! :D
EEEEE. I cannot express this awesomeness.
THIS STORY IS AMAZINGNESS AND I AM CLOSE TO HAPPY TEARS FROM HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS STORY!! :D
For a second I was confused when you didnt update with TWO chapters, them I remembered, this might be the finsle. And I was right!....
I don't want it to go.(cookies for anyone who gets it)
6189046
Well played
6189162
Thanks. DW FTW!
... If you do not give me more awesome adventures, whether it be everyday life of Acrylic, Torch, Charcoal and Lilac or adventures that Lilac and Charcoal and all their next gen friends, I will set Rainbow Factory Dash and Pinkamena Cupcakes Pie upon you.
6189194
But even if that particular series doesn't take off, I do have one or two Charcoal one-shots in mind.
There will be more, but perhaps not for a while. I'm working on another OC contest entry at a moment, a very tender family/sad fic, and after I get back from vacation I need to focus on catching up with my AP summer work (I'm SOOOOOO behind). But once things settle down, I've considered starting a mini-series solely about Charcoal and his next-gen friends seeking out the new pony breeds. The only reason I hesitate is because I want to make sure I'll have a fair-sized audience, and not just one or two loyal followers such as yourself.
(For anyone else interested in the above idea, details are posted on my userpage/blog)
Thanks again for reading, everypony!
6189207 ...
I just realized I haven't been following you. This must be rectified. TO THE FOLOW BUTTON!
OHMYGOSH, this came out yesterday for me, and I couldn't read it until today... :(
But this was something else! This entire story and the entire series was complete awesomeness, and I can honestly say, that I am so glad I read everything!
Thank you so much for writing this,
AND DOCTOR X DITZY IS MY OTP SO THAT ENDING MADE ME EXPLODE FROM JUST CUTENESS!HZDHDW
Thank you again, for being so amazing!!! :D
Awesome story man.
6189207 I for one cannot wait for the next stories you make, no matter which it is.
keep up the good work.
I'm a huge fan of doctor who, and now of this series as well. I was surprised how quickly I finished all those chapters, but I made it through. Then I saw this story and read through it. I have to say, I'm so glad I read it. It was great. Can't wait to read whatever comes next.
Pretty good, quick read. The only part I didn't like was the jumpin of characters. But that is a personal preference, 3rd person is not really my thing. Yet another masterpiece written by adoptpetz.
I read the first one (the seventh element) but compared to that, how is that this is a little too short?