well, ive got a few things to say. this does need a bit of work, but im sure you can do it. anyways

1. too rushed. the story is way too rushed. one event just snapped into the next and you didnt even stop to talk about the places, the people, the ideas. you need to slow down and explain more.

2. characters. if you want people to enjoy your story you have to get them to connect with your characters. describe your family. get people to know your mom, dad, brothers, sister, and especially, ESPECIALLY you. if you dont delve into the charcetrs, no one will be able to envelope themselves in your story.

3. description. adjectives man, adjectives. you must convey feeling through each sense in your adjectives. touch, sight, sound, smell, taste. without  telling us these things, we wont know how to take the surroundings. also, be sure to be consistent in your description of feeling, otherwise it will create confusing plot holes. which leads to...

4. setting. establish clear area and setting. people, structures, that sort of thing. establish a well set area before you delve into the plot.

5. interactions and dialogue. a lot of your dialogue was extremely short and just didnt seem to sit well at all. of course, that all plays into the above mentioned emotion and character. reactions, especially that to god, are extremely important as well.

6. in show characters. this one will take time, but developing a sense of how a charcter from the show talks will make things seem more natural.

7.explanation. it all ties in with explaining. tell us more about everything in this story. i cant grasp it at all because there is just so little to go by.

so yes, these are some preliminary notes. head them if you please, or dont, all up to you. either way, i find that although there is a lot of necessary revision, it can all be done and im sure you can do it well.

Agreed. Let the edits commense! and please take all that as constructive, thats all we are trying to do.

I think this is starting to become pretty interesting. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more.

P.S. I saw a couple of grammatical errors, I suggest getting an editor.

I'll give this a look when I get the chance. Might be some good