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For Her
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11,605 ( 11,605 )
How far does a sister's love extend? How far would one go, to bring the other back?
Cover image is Bitter Sea of Regrets, by Karnella.
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Tragedy
Slice of Life
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9w, 5hCelestia & Luna
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67w, 1dOne-Shots
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56w, 6dSlice of Life
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9w, 5hCelestia Is The Best Pony
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17w, 6dCompleted Story Compendium
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11w, 1dGLS/Possible YouTube
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Dear god...
Its Brilliant! I honestly can't think of anything else to say! The pacing was excellent, the emotion realistic, the plot flawless, the grammar and punctuation damn near perfect! An amazing interpretation on relatively rarely found concept. And dat length... dat length!
I usually always try to find something significant to point out to writers to help them improve, even if it is a 'short'. This is one of those rare times I got nothing. I'm sure I could find something to nitpick if I looked back, but nitpicking's are not worthy if they are not present in any significant amount to bring myself to care. I'd probably just get swept back up in the story and forget to look for them irregardless.
Bravo good sir(?), bravo indeed!
I cried when I saw that the leader of the uprising was Polaris. I didn't see that coming, but it should have been obvious.
Also, Polaris had a black-blue coat. Does that mean that he was like Pipsqueak, with two colors? Could they be related? It would be funny to know that Luna finally became aware of Polaris admiration, even with it taking 1000 year to the message to be delivered.
I had actually intended that to mean that his coat was a mix of the two shades - think a variant of Luna's in the Luna Eclipsed episode. However, I also intentionally styled this story so that people would be able to draw their own conclusions about what certain things connected to, especially as far as Polaris is concerned. So if you see that association, I am certainly not going to say you are wrong.
I feel a little subversive actually - both of those lines are from Jekyll & Hyde the *Musical*, not the original story.
Amusingly, I didn't even realize the correlation between the quote source and one of the primary characters in the fic (Nightmare Moon) until after I was finished writing it. I just used them because one of the first things to pop into my head when I was considering the story was that opening quote.
And thank you!
twilightsmile::corporatism:
As I see this is nothing more than a stupid story to justify Celestia's faults. Sad to be frank but none the less just a fanboy's attempt to eliminate the flaws of a character. Now I am no fan of Luna either, as I see it they where both at fault. Luna threw a huge hissy fit over something pointless and meaningless while Celestia overreacted. I hate when Luna fan place the blame of her actions on some silly imaginary demon that never existed, get over it guys. I also hate how this author basically made a story to eliminate the flaws and mistakes Celestia committed. Sure banishing some one for trying to bring death to everyone and everything is all right. I fully support her on that, but still no reason to let others grow and resent y sister. In her place I would of let the ponies remember Luna like the princess she was. And blame her death on the fictional monster. There problem solved, all ponies that cared about her will remembered her as a nice pony and not question why the heck she is no longer there. Overall, like a said, a pitiful attempt at making a story to fix the character flaws of the authors favorite pony.
Your story is truely awesome, the best one-shot I've read. the only piece of criticism I could come up with was this:
At the physical fight between celestia and luna, I didn't feel like celestia was desperate enough to banish her sister to the moon, and that the fight was too rushed. (or was that because she banished luna accedently?)
Again, your story is the best one-shot i've ever read and you are a great author, consider a professional career in writing if you aren't already in one.
Also, do not listen my sugestions if you think I'm wrong, you are the expert and it is your story
@Erinyes
Excellent trolling! Or is it paraspriting in this fandom? Either way, well done, though you might want to make it look like something other than, well, really obvious trolling next time for that true "Five star" touch. Showing comprehension of the story would help in that regard (I mention at least once directly, and show strongly in the writing, that I took the "Nightmare Moon was created directly BY Luna's issues" approach, rather than the external sources many prefer).
@Squarepony
The fight was so short because of two things: the minimalist approach I wanted to take to the story (the idea was to let the reader fill in what the fight had been like in their own heads), and my reluctance to insert my own take on their fight into the fic (it would have rendered it a Teen rating at least).
As to a professional career, my problem there is that I generally lack the patience and focus to complete larger works. One reason I'm so proud of this story is that I was actually able to start AND finish it.
I'm going to refrain from equine-related puns; that story was fucking amazing. Really, really good.
Which is why I do hate to nitpick, but I reread the passage three times, but nowhere does Nightmare Moon call herself that when she first emerged, and please, correct me if I'm wrong. It doesn't take away how powerful your story is in the slightest.
Bravo. Fucking bravo, my friend. 
Does the show CONTAIN the scene where she first emerges? Unless you mean specifically in my story, in which case that's another victim of the minimalist approach I used - the implication I meant to show was that Nightmare Moon had named herself as such sometime during the not-shown fight.
I meant specifically in your story. Hey, that's okay - I can respect minimalism 
. It's like I said, though, it didn't take away from the fact that your story was extremely touching. I felt myself tear up at the end of it, and the parts where Princess Celestia was reacting to the Mane6's ordeal in Everfree was very deftly executed (especially her reaction to Pinkie... priceless).
I really have to say this is an excellent approach to the story. This is actually a bit ironic to me because I'm writing legacy, a what if tale if a third alicorn that represented the balance between sun and moon existed. And reading this I got a few things out of your writing.
1. Its alot better if the dialogue is minimized to allow the character to be more focused on what there thinking and not what there saying. This makes every character feel personal.
2. Use metaphors, I don't use them often and this reminded me why there important.
3.When using a royal character or a person of high powers you always have to remind yourself that these people would be incredibly busy and would eventually have to make a shell of emotional state that allows them to continue there work, this is natural for anyone who deals with severe grief but doesn't have anyone to turn and vent to.
4. If your going to write a story about the alicorns, it has to be focused on them. The mane six can be there but at a minimum. There stories are very structured in canon and is hard to deviate.The alicorns on the other hand are very malleable as we only have a tale and thats it, we don't know there characters (atleast there deeper emotional sides), we don't know where they came from, there just there. And thats where a writers fun begins.
5.And did we not learn anything from Luna's lament? The idea is that Luna didn't just go to the dark side because it sounded nice. But she did it because she felt tired and unsupported. I like the way you put it with what was it... I can't seem to remember. But it was a demon that played off of Luna's fears and anger and finally made her snap. This shows weakness but also allows the character to not be felt as a full on villain, but as someone who's forgotten the way, and can be redeemed, giving an easy plot path.
Anyway thanks for that, you definitely spiked me to think of my tale at a different angle and thats worth more to me than a thank you. I really do appreciate it.
This is a phenomenal story, I was really impressed while reading it (and still am!).
You took a story we all know (at least, more or less) and turned it into something beautiful. I mean, I knew from the beginning where this story was heading and how it would end. But that wasn't the point. The point was the journey towards that end. And that was one hell of a ride! :)
You did a great amount of world building with this story. The founding of the magic school and subsequent other schools as well, the advancement of technology and science, the way Euquestria is run as country - just to name some. All that with just a few lines instead of endless walls of exposition text. There wasn't a single part, that bored me.
But the best part of this story was the insight you gave us on Celestia. You used her POV not only to tell the story, but really showed how she differs from her mortal subjects. I could really sympathize with the way she kept up her mask for all those centuries, trying to be a genuine ruler and not giving into her grief and anger. And the way her mask slowly ceased to be just a mask once Twilight entered her live, that just warmed my heart. Your Celestia is now part of my headcanon!
My only (and very minor) gripe was the battle between Celestia and Nightmare Moon. She remembers it as this world shattering fight that cursed the Everfree Forest and what else. Yet when I read that scene, I see Celstia dodging a stomp by Luna and then banishing her to the moon - not much of a battle. But as I said, just a minor gripe. Nothing that could devalue your story in my eyes.
So, thank you for writing this ans keep up the great work! :D
NTL
Hay! Who rated this lower than five stars!?!? 
An absolutely phenominal story my friend. I love the minimalism you use. I especially like how you did it for the fight. It starts off looking fierce, but instead of describing a full length fight you time skip from the begining to the end, allowing the reader to imagine their own fight scene. I also love how you made the conection with twilight's name, that Blew. My. Mind!! 
A very strong story all the way through with wonderul character developement. Cpongratulations on a fantastic fic, one of the best i've read. 
Wow. This was an awesome and amazingly moving story. I've always enjoye stories that explore Celestia's inner mind. The poor mare is the but of so many jokes in this community,, but almost nopony cares to see things from her side. 
I love you Celestia! *gives Celestia a gigantic hug*
Commenting as I read, when I have something to say.
A small and secret group of fervently loyal ponies, who spread out over Equestria at Celestia's command to search for unicorns with exceptional magical talent.
-Problem is, any unicorn they found would be dead of... oh dear... see, before reading this paragraph I thought Celestia was going to turn the rebels to stone until Luna's return, unaging and unconscious until the day Polaris could finally give his long delayed compliments to Luna. This would have given (technical) truth to Discord's jibe about Celestia turning ponies to stone. Now it occurs to me that in order to maximize her chances of finding a candidate, the best choice would be to turn the CANDIDATE to stone (unless it is a selective breeding program, rather than looking for a candidate directly)... perhaps giving them partial disclosure and asking nicely. What pony would fail to make such a sacrifice if asked by their beloved Princess for the good of all Equestria (and any countries that may or may not exist outside Equestria)? To bring back the beautiful night... THERE is a legacy and if you survive it, you still have the rest of your life to do other things... Good thing she didn't find any candidate until the last minute... or maybe she did and there was some poor unicorn told "Thanks, but I found someone better. The full resources of Equestria are still at your disposal for easing your acclimation to the changes that have happened during your absence, including the promised amount of bits.". 
It clicked so sharply Celestia actually froze in place, the muffin she'd been levitating pausing in front of her open mouth for several seconds before dropping and bouncing off her plate to land on the table.
-Ah... so the seekers were merely her proto-type, and she took things in a different direction... still doesn't explain what she was going to do if the perfect candidate turned up with centuries still left on the clock.
she blamed the relative obscurity of the concept,
-And thus did universities and/or libraries become stable institutions?
She hadn't really smiled in decades. But it would be good to treat the stallion – and others about her - with a bit more kindness.
-Is she getting the Elements (the abstract concepts, not the rocks) back, one by one? Would the first be Loyalty? If so, I suspect that Twilight Sparkle will end up being her first real friend (on the personal level) since soon after she banished her sister.
There were still many centuries left until Nightmare Moon's release – if she found a unicorn with the kind of power she needed even a hundred years before the right time, she would need some way of keeping them alive until then.
-We think alike as far as the basics... I still suggest you make this specifically petrification for the reason I mentioned about Discord's jibe (he seems to have been semi-aware since he described the Mane Six very well). Then again, given you mentioned the Sisters using the spell against him, and Celestia attempting it against NMM, maybe that is exactly what you mean anyway (although Celestia specifically modifying it to avoid an "I have no mouth, and I must scream" situation would be indicated).
And they continued on that way, in ones and twos and more, graduates of her school accomplishing remarkable things out in Equestria.
-Is this simply the equivalent of our modern scientific era giving rise to vaccines and weather satillites (known when to run for cover is not as good as being able to turn aside a hurricane, but it still saves hundreds of lives per storm I should think), etc etc? Or is this what will lead Celestia to figure out that The Element of Magic is actually The Element of Friendship, so she will finally fully understand how Clover the Clever banished the windigoes and what underlay her own victories against Discord and NMM? Will she recover her Generosity by encouraging the school to expand in directions that include those that have nothing to do with saving her sister?
The pegasi and the Earth ponies and all the rest;
-Implied Sea Ponies? If so, I approve. Or are you talking about the Buffalo, and the cattle, and the sheep (the 1st don't seem to have taken to the idea, although maybe one of the teepees is for school on rainy days... the last two don't seem to be quite up to benefiting from the attempt much).
If she could not have the unicorn that would save her sister, bettering the entirety of Equestria was an acceptable substitute. For now.
-Maybe I am just reading too much into this. This could be Generosity, or it could be all in my head... Honesty would probably have been with Polaris (funny that that would go along with founding a SECRET society).
as the more pressing problem of finding a gifted enough unicorn was still unresolved.
-And I just realized what her mistake might be... she is looking for ONE Pony (a Unicorn)... as it turns out she needs SIX Ponies, and only one of them needs to be a Unicorn. Then again, she MIGHT realize this, but just know that the Unicorn is the one that is hard to find. Probably not though.
(like when a tower had to be rebuilt after one filly had blown the top clear off in what witnesses described as a 'marshmallow geyser', testing some kind of method of creating the perfect s'more).
-I see that Twilight isn't the only one with "Power Incontinence" problems.
Out in Equestria, the descendants of Polaris' Seekers were having no better luck.
-Ah... and here I thought she disbanded them after the school was up and running... silly me. Redundancy is good.
pale blue filly with a not-inconsiderable talent for magic and a very obvious love of performing, whose parents were a bit too excited about what Celestia had tried to only portray as casual interest
-Ah yes... the "Trixie the Almost" trope... not a bad one.
One in a million.
-Rarer than that if Equestria's population is anything like the Earth's was during the technologically* equivalent range of periods, and even after dividing by three for the three types of ponies. A million would be a very significant population for a country to have during the Renascence/American colonial period... at any one time. But you get a LOT of turn-over in the space of a thousand years.
*counting magic as technology for this purpose)
She was pushing her just to see someone she cared for succeed.
-Laughter AND Friendship/Magic if I am not mistaken (which I still could be... like Celestia herself, you might do your best work when nobody is sure if you really were doing a specific thing).
But she had only realized each of them recently, while going over the final steps of her plans for what would happen on the solstice, running last double-and-triple-checks on every possible variation of events she could think of.
-The Chessmistress/Magnificent Mare (A riff off of Patton's comment "Rommel you Magnificent B******, I read your book!") failed at thinking enough moves ahead? You rate her a bit lower than many, although I don't actually object. Variety is the spice of life, and your take is as tasty to read as any other.
The writhing nebula where a mane and tail should have been.
-Once she had recovered, Luna had this... almost. In any case, since Celestia apparently has the Aurora (Borealis or Australius as one prefers) for her own mane and tail... since it blows in a wind that touches nothing else, and matches the colors. I guess that could be scary, even if one deduced that it was what one's little sister would end up looking like anyway when she was "all grown up".
She remembered the monster being taller.
-Growing up does that to monsters, including, but not limited to cases such as this where some physical growth came along with the mental and emotional growth. A Truth worth remembering (and repeating).
There was pain. And then a terrible, utter silence.
-Oh, I dunno... I would think that the surface of the Sun would be dense enough of a plasma that she could hear the currents of it swirling... (the way she returns leads many bronies to conclude she was banished to the sun... then again if she was merged with it, that might be pretty silent).
No! I chose you! I chose you for your devotion, how could yo-
-How was she chosen by Celestia if those four were already in charge of the key aspects? Or are you assuming there were more aspects of equal importance to the celebration preparations and Celestia just picked the appropriate four facets?
You can't fight it like that! You ca-....oh you clever little thing.
-And this is why creative problem solving, rather than merely the ability to memorize and regurgitate information, or use stock methods to work stock problems is an important part of an good education. Lady of the Sun, you wrought well.
Her smile was honest, she realized.
-Ah, so perhaps Frienship was not the final one Celestia regained. Then again, keeping secrets for nearly a thousand years kinda messes you up inside I should think, even if you are immortal.
Nearly a thousand years spent waiting for you Twilight, and you are worth every one of them.
-She needs to tell her that some time.
>>Draco Dei
Heh. I won't respond to everything you noted, but for a few things;
Turning ponies to stone - Made me laugh. I'm writing one fic more. This will most likely figure in there somewhere. But I won't tell how just yet. Simply know that I have had this kind of idea in my brain for a bit.
Recovering the Elements over time - This was an idea that occurred to me, but I chose not to explicitly write in. Wanted to avoid the risk of cluttering the fic.
Writhing nebula in place of mane and tail - Luna had something like this once her body had aged closer to catching up to her actual age, yes, but it's significantly different from Nightmare Moon's. Celestia and Luna's mane and tail appear to be constructed of the Aurora and the night sky, but otherwise behave much like normal manes and tails. Nightmare Moon's nebula behaved like a nearly-separate living thing, like a limb unto itself.
Only realizing the problem recently - The problem I hit there was that, while she was meant to be a consummate Chessmistress, I had no way to have her realize the problem ahead of time without rewriting much of the fic. There are, however, justifications you can pick from throughout as to why she missed it - her immortal perspective, inability to access the Elements herself any longer, etc.
I chose you for your devotion - Celestia 'chose her' in the way that she orchestrated Twilight meeting her, is what I was referencing.
As to Twilight's name, this is a fun/annoying thing that I found happening ALOT after I wrote the fic - I avoided all other aspects of the fandom in the process of making it to minimize how much I ported, intentionally or not, into my own work. End result is I keep finding SO MANY things other people have done first - egophiliac has utterly beautiful, but differently structured, versions of most of the pivotal scenes, for example (the exchange between Nightmare Moon and Celestia before the former reveals herself to Ponyville is hands-down my favorite).
. Insulating yourself from the fandom to write was a reasonably move. I think it worked out well.
Also, as I said (not word for word, but...) on a similar fic: "She moves the heavens every day as a matter of routine... when there is something important to her? She will move Heaven and Earth."
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