• Published 14th Jun 2015
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Transdementia - Kwakerjak



Pinkie Pie heads to another world to retrieve the stolen Element of Magic, with Penumbra in tow. ("Equestria Girls" as it occurs in the Petriculture AU.)

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Chapter 13: The Night

Pinkie entered the hotel room, steeling herself for whatever glib, obnoxious commentary Discord had in store for her. When none came, she assumed he was still engrossed in one of his internet things, possibly involving repeating jokes that nobody thought were funny in the first place. However, when she glanced over at his seat, Discord was not hunched over his laptop, but instead sat drumming his fingers on the armrest as he stared out the window. His brow was furrowed and he seemed to be softly biting his lower lip. Pinkie Pie had never seen anything like this expression on his face before, either in his human or draconequine forms.

Evidently, Penumbra was more familiar with Discord’s body language, because she noticed it as soon as she followed Pinkie into the room. “Is something wrong? You look nervous.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say anything is necessarily wrong,” Discord said in a tone that lacked much of his usual confidence. “I’ve just been puzzling over the current situation.”

Pinkie briefly considered bringing up the previous night’s argument again, but decided against it, mostly because doing so would only serve to irritate Penumbra. “So, did you come up with anything?”

“Er, well, I was thinking that perhaps I could patch up the situation with Twilight Sparkle. I seem to have a knack for this whole ‘fatherly authority figure’ thing, so with my natural charm, I’d say I ought to be able to ease any worries she has about Penumbra.”

Pinkie took a deep breath and let out a noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and a groan.

“You don’t like it,” Discord said as his shoulders slumped slightly.

Pinkie massaged one of her temples as she replied, “It’s not that it’s a particularly bad idea, but there’s not much time left before the Formal. Much as I’d like to get the counterparts of our friends together, right now we really need to focus on getting back the Element of Magic. If we had more time, I might consider it, but Twilight’s a fairly low priority.”

“But what about the Magic of Friendship?” Discord asked. “Surely that will come in handy. Isn’t that why you wanted to get Twilight involved in the first place?”

“Yeah, I know, but that was always just part of a potential backup plan in case things didn’t work out. Like you’ve always said, the three of us can handle Sunset Shimmer on our own. More importantly, Twilight doesn’t figure into any of the plans Penny’s come up with in case I lose.”

“Don’t call me ‘Penny,’” Penumbra said flatly before turning her attention to Discord. “Pinkie is, unfortunately, correct. My plans for the moment center around the three of us confronting Sunset without outside help, so it’s more important for you to come up with a reason to be near the Formal that doesn’t raise any suspicions.”

“If you say so,” Discord said with obvious disappointment.

“I do. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sunset has some tricks up her sleeve in case she loses, so really, we need to be ready for a fight no matter what happens.”

“Got it,” Discord said blandly.

Pinkie was a little surprised that Discord had given in so quickly, but then again, Penumbra was his best friend. In any case, there didn’t seem to be much point in dwelling on it. “Do you think you can come up with something?”

“Oh, that’s simple enough,” Discord said dismissively. “The real trick is going to be making sure that I’m well placed to offer my assistance if needed.”

“And do you have a plan to do that?” Pinkie asked.

“Naturally.”

———————

“So, you gonna be attendin’ the Formal?”

Rainbow Dash didn’t answer right away; instead, she took a sip of her coffee—which, as usual, she took black to offset the sweetness of her jelly donuts. “To be honest, I hadn’t decided yet. I mean, on the one hand, I should probably be there to show my support for Pinkie, but on the other hand, I risk running into you.”

Applejack nodded her head solemnly, completely understanding Rainbow’s plight. “Well, I’m sort of obliged to attend because the jazz ensemble’s providin’ the music for the night, but I’ll probably be to busy to do much of anything else, so it’s almost like I won’t be there.”

Rainbow bobbed her head from side to side as she considered this. “I guess you have a point, though I’m pretty sure other people are going to bring it up when I talk to them.”

An eavesdropper probably would have found it odd that these young women were discussing ways to avoid each other. From outward appearances, the two of them had arranged to meet at Donut Joe’s after school, without any other members of Pinkie Pie’s election team to keep their tempers in check. To some degree, this was the entire point; ever since their first lunch together, they had realized that the best way to stave off unwanted pep talks about self-respect and the need to stand up to bullying was for them to hang out in public as if they were genuinely friends. What was odd, though, was that even without Pinkie around, neither of them seemed to have much trouble keeping the conversation civil.

“Well, maybe that’s for the best,” Applejack said. “After all, the fact that we ain't at each other’s throats anymore is still the best thing Pinkie’s got goin’ for her, no matter what anyone says about Penumbra. If you’re around to remind folks of that while the actual votin’ is goin’ on, it’ll probably help out a bunch.”

“Easy for you to say. You’ve got an excuse to not spend time talking to people.”

“It’s all gonna be over soon anyway, and then we can get back to... uh...” Applejack paused as she tried to figure out how to finish her sentence. Given that Pinkie had rather definitively shown the pointlessness of their original argument, it would be rather silly to restart their constant sniping after the Formal.

Rainbow Dash must have been thinking along the same lines. “Yeah, we might as well try to keep this truce going. It’ll probably be easier when we’re not trying to make a show of it, and... well... frankly, I kind of prefer not being pissed off at you all the time.”

Applejack nodded her head. “Feeling’s mutual.”

“So, uh... you play bass?” Rainbow Dash said as she searched for some other avenue of conversation.

“Yep. Electric bass guitar and acoustic upright. My little sister sometimes jokes that I’m all about the ABCs: apples, bass, and classes.”

“Is she the one with the pink bow?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“That’d be Apple Bloom,” Applejack confirmed with a nod.

“Yeah, I think she’s friends with one of my neighbors. Her name’s Scootaloo. She’s pretty cool, for a freshman.”

“My sister, or Scootaloo?”

“Eh, I think your sister has avoided talking to me for obvious reasons, but Scoots never has anything bad to say about her. Anyway, I, uh, actually play a little electric guitar myself.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow and pushed back her hat. “That so? How long you been playing?”

“Not that long, really. I mean, I think I’ve got the three chords you need to play punk rock down, but that’s about it.”

“Well, if your performance is solid, you don’t really need much more than that, especially if you’re playin’ old school punk.”

“Whoa, hold up—I’m not really talking about performing yet. This is mostly just noodling around.”

“That’s as good a place as any to start, though.”

“Well, maybe we could...” Rainbow Dash suddenly trailed off as she remembered who she was talking to.

“Maybe we could... what?” Applejack asked.

“Er, nevermind.” Rainbow Dash glanced around the coffee shop for anything to change the subject, and to her great relief, she spotted something. “Hey, isn’t that Twilight Sparkle?”

———————

“You really should talk to Pinkie Pie.”

Surprise was being unusually stubborn that afternoon, and Twilight Sparkle was finding it really distracting. “I’m not avoiding her,” she insisted to her imaginary friend. “I really do need to work on my project.” The project, in this case, was for an elective course she was taking on computer programming. She figured that since much of the study of chaos involved simulations, she’d need to learn it eventually. “Shining Armor won’t always be around to check my coding for errors, after all.”

“That project isn’t due for a month.”

As was her usual tactic when she was on the verge of losing an argument with herself, Twilight attempted to dismiss the issue entirely. “What am I supposed to tell her? That I’ve been using Penumbra’s problems as a pretense to avoid her because she’s so much like my imaginary friend that it creeps me out?”

“Why not? It’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“She’ll think I’m a nutcase!”

“Maybe,” Surprise replied, “but from what I’ve seen, she’s just as likely to think that it’s really cool. I mean, aside from the part where you get the creeps.”

Twilight let out a near-silent groan. “I really don’t want to think about this right now....” However, life was not giving her what she wanted that day.

“Howdy, Twilight,” Applejack said as she strode up to her booth, tipping her hat in greeting. “This seat taken?”

“Uh, no... well, I guess it is now,” Twilight replied as Rainbow Dash slid into the seat across from her.

“So, I guess you really have been hitting the books,” Rainbow said as she glanced at the stack of textbooks next to Twilight’s laptop.

“Somethin’ wrong with that?” Applejack said skeptically.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Of course not. It’s just that Pinkie couldn’t tell if she was being legit over the phone or just trying to come up with an excuse not to hang around.”

“Oh, come on, she’s sittin’ right there!”

Twilight sighed. “Actually, it’s a little of both,” she admitted.

For a brief moment, Rainbow Dash and Applejack made eye contact before Applejack finally decided to sit down next to her friend—though Twilight still wasn’t altogether certain that “friend” was the right word to use in this case. “This is about Penumbra and Sunset, ain’t it?”

“Please,” Rainbow Dash said. “What else could it possibly be about?”

For a second, Twilight expected to hear Surprise’s voice in the back of her mind urging her to tell them everything, but the imaginary friend remained silent. It was conceivable that Pinkie might understand, but Pinkie was an unusual person to begin with. Thus, Twilight kept the conversation firmly within the realm of the sensible. “The whole thing was just so... unexpected that I still don’t know how to process it.”

“Look, nobody’s trying to say that Penumbra didn’t do something wrong,” Rainbow Dash said. “She let Sunset get under her skin, and her emotions got the better of her. Slapping her was stupid and immature, and even Penumbra admits it. But doesn’t everyone deserve second chance? From my point of view at least, I can’t really look down on her for thinking with her emotions instead of her head. I mean, me and Applejack were doing that for, like, a year, almost.”

Applejack nodded. “Plus, I still think there’s somethin’ fishy about Sunset Shimmer. From what you’ve said, she seems awful concerned with making sure you stay away from other teenagers, and that’s just plain weird.”

Twilight sighed. “I don’t know.... This whole Fall Formal thing is way too much for me, especially since I’m not even a student at Canterlot High anymore.”

Rainbow Dash shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, so the Formal’s making things complicated. Well, then we can just pick up where we left off when it’s all over.”

“When it’s over?” Twilight repeated. “But how could you possibly have use for what I know about Sunset once this is done?”

“Since when does that matter?” Applejack asked. “You’re a mighty interestin’ girl, Twilight. I think we’d all like to get to know you better, no matter what happens.”

Twilight scratched her head as all this filtered in. “Um... wow. That’s a... surprise.”

“No, it isn’t, because this Surprise has been telling you that forever.”

“In all honesty, I’m surprised you’re surprised,” Applejack said, her voice a little shaky. Apparently, the smirk that had briefly crossed Twilight’s face after thinking about her imaginary friend sent some mixed signals.

Twilight wasn’t quite sure how to respond. “I know you guys said I wasn’t boring when we first met, but I guess I thought you were just being polite. I mean, regardless of how strange some of the things Sunset said are, she did have a point. I’ve never really been into the same sort of things that other girls my age care about. I’m all about science fiction and comics and analyzing data for unexpected patterns. As far as I can tell, all the heartthrob beefcake actors that other girls swoon over look exactly the same.”

“That’s mostly on account of they are exactly the same,” Applejack replied. “Besides, I’m pretty sure the bedroom poster of the week is a pop singer, not an actor.”

“You know what I mean,” Twilight said.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said. “You think that nobody would want to just hang out with you because you don’t have ‘normal’ interests. But I think you’re jumping to conclusions there.”

“You mean I’m not a total nerd?”

“Oh, you’re definitely a total nerd,” Rainbow Dash said, “but you’re the cool kind of nerd. You don’t just spout off random facts to try to impress everyone with how smart you are—you’ve got, like, an actual personality to go with your smarts. You’re a cool person who also happens to be a nerd.”

Twilight was speechless. Eventually, though, she managed to squeeze out a reply. “Wow, thanks.”

“So, you might not be going to the Formal,” Rainbow Dash said as she leaned forward, “but we’re probably going to be meeting up when it’s all done. If you’re going to be free this Friday evening, you’re welcome to join us.”

Twilight grimaced. “I don’t know... I mean, I’m sure it will be fun, but I’m planning on doing some work in the computer lab at Canterlot Tech, and I don’t know if I’ll get back to this part of town in time.”

“Huh...” Applejack said. “Well, that sure is a shame. But let us know if your plans change.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Okay.”

———————

Discord had a fairly simple plan to get himself close to the Formal without seeming like a creep: talk to Principal Celestia and turn up the charm until she agreed to let him attend as a chaperone. There were, perhaps simpler ways to solve his problem, but within five minutes, it became clear that this method had been the right one.

“To be quite frank, I’m glad you asked to meet with me, Mr. Discord,” Celestia said somberly as she sat down behind her desk.

Discord arched one of his eyebrows. “Is that so? Care to explain why?”

“Well, I think you might be able to break the news to Penumbra more tactfully than I could.”

“What news?”

“I’ve decided it would be for the best if she didn’t attend the Fall Formal.”

Discord didn’t react right away; while he wasn’t really expecting this, he wasn’t particularly surprised, either, as this behavior was in line with a theory he’d been entertaining. “I see.... Forgive me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you tell Penumbra that she would be allowed to attend, because this was only her first offense?”

Celestia opened her mouth as if to speak, then paused, made a nearly imperceptible shudder, and gave her answer. “That is true, however, after giving the matter some careful thought, I’ve decided it would be for the best if she didn’t attend the Fall Formal.”

Discord nodded gravely. If the shudder hadn’t been evidence enough, the repetition certainly clinched it. Principal Celestia was operating under the effect of mind control, and fairly skillfully applied mind control at that, given that her personality was more or less unchanged. It was a more subtle (that is to say, boring) variety of neuromancy than the type he preferred to use, but the telltale signs were still there, advertising their mischief to anyone who knew what to look for. He pondered his best course of action. While simply negating the neuromancy outright would be relatively simple, doing so now would only let Sunset Shimmer know that he could counter what was apparently one of her signature spells, which, in turn, might lead her to do something rash. Personally, he didn’t mind this possibility all that much, but he was nearly certain that Pinkie Pie would. Fortunately for him, the more subtle forms of mind control rarely required the use of magic to be undone.

“Would you mind explaining your reasoning?” he asked. This question was extremely important. If Celestia didn’t actually have a justification, that meant that Sunset had put a lot of effort into making sure that the principal’s mind wouldn’t be changed, either by appeals to reason or emotion, and that meant that he’d definitely want Pinkie’s approval before going ahead with any plan at all.

Fortunately, though, it seemed that Sunset Shimmer was still conserving her magic, and had used a weaker form of neuromancy. “You see, the Fall Formal is supposed to be a celebration of all the values that make Canterlot High a special place to receive an education, but with Penumbra present, the entire atmosphere will be so thick with tension that it will completely ruin the experience for those who simply want to have a good time.”

Discord had to admire the effort that Sunset had put into this scheme to keep Penumbra away from the final confrontation; she’d even managed to feed Celestia a semi-plausible argument to back it up. Unfortunately for her, that argument played right into Discord’s favor, because when mind control was attached to logic, the simplest way to undermine it was to attack the logic. “As it happens, I share those very concerns, which is why I wanted to see you today.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, you see, Penumbra loves her sister dearly, and wants so much to be at the Formal to show her support, but as you mentioned, when she acted up, she created all of this unneeded tension which threatens to make the night miserable for all involved. Therefore, I believe I’ve come up with a solution which will take care of everyone’s concerns in one fell swoop.”

Celestia seemed to find this notion confusing, likely because Sunset’s spell was preventing her from realizing that compromise was even possible in a situation like this. “What do you mean?”

“Why, you can simply allow me to attend so that I can keep her under my supervision. As long as I’m there, there won’t be any need to worry about how she might react in the unfortunate case that Pinkie loses this contest. After all, if there’s anyone who can keep Penny in line, it’s her father.”

“Are... are you sure about this?” Celestia said. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to play it safe?”

Discord gave Celestia a warm, comforting smile—it was a skill he’d picked up from her equine counterpart when he was originally created, and even if he rarely used it, he had never forgotten it. “Celestia, we’re only young once, aren’t we? Let Penumbra have that night, and all the memories that go with it.”

Celestia paused again, and suddenly blinked her eyes rapidly several times. “Yes, of course. There’s really no reason to overreact. I’m sure that there won’t be anything to worry about if you’re there.”

Discord couldn’t hide a triumphant smirk as he left Principal Celestia’s office. While it was true that nothing would stop Sunset from simply casting another mind control spell when she found out that her plan had been foiled, doing so would further drain her magic reserves, possibly to the point where Pinkie wouldn’t even need help when she faced off against her. He’d done his part to improve the situation, and this time, even Pinkie Pie wouldn’t be able to deny it.

———————

As it turned out, Pinkie Pie couldn’t find fault in Discord’s actions this time, though perhaps she could have thought of something if she wasn’t too goshdarn busy to be petty. There was just so much that needed to get done in the last few days, from fitting her dress from Rarity to doing some last minute meet-and-greets with a few of the introverts to convince them that voting in the Fall Formal election wasn’t a complete waste of time. She was so busy, in fact, that she didn’t even have time to think about whether she ought to attend with a date—in fact, the issue never even occurred to her until she found out that Sunset had snagged some eye candy from the basketball team to escort her to the party.

There were far more pressing matters at stake, such as making sure that her supporters took advantage of the early-voting period. Traditionally, the voting for the Fall Formal Princess took place during the first hour of the event, after which the votes were tallied, and near the end of the evening, the winner was announced. However, in order to allow those who couldn’t attend to participate, the polls were opened as soon as the final bell rang on the day of the Formal. Of course, seeing as how most of the students who didn’t attend the Formal usually had little to no interest in who was crowned as its Princess, these absentee ballots rarely had any effect on the contest as a whole.

In Pinkie’s case, however, they were absolutely crucial, because much of her support came from the misfits and loners who found large get-togethers like the Fall Formal to be stifling and unpleasant at best. Sunset’s supporters, on the other hand, consisted of exactly the type of student who saw the Formal as an ideal place to socialize, and Pinkie assumed that Sunset would win a majority (though probably not a landslide) of the votes cast at the event itself. Thus, her plan relied on encouraging her supporter base to actually cast a ballot at the end of the school day, instead of just shuffling off through the doors. Of course this meant that she needed to make sure that they all knew that it was even an option in the first place.

Thus, Pinkie spent the first part of Friday afternoon lingering outside the school exit, hobnobbing with her supporters, thanking them for their help, and gently coaxing several of them back inside so they could actually vote for her. It was actually somewhat stressful, because she didn’t really have any idea of whether she’d been successful—at least, not until the flood of students leaving the building thinned down to a trickle and she overheard a snippet of conversation between Vice Principal Luna and her personal assistant: “My goodness, the ballot box seems a lot fuller this year.”

Pinkie smiled allowed herself a brief, celebratory fist-pump before heading back to her hotel room. It was time to get ready.

———————

Considering the ludicrous amount of attention that had been paid to election of the Fall Formal Princess, the actual event itself was shockingly mundane. That isn’t to say that it was dull, however, Rarity’s decorations alone would have made it interesting. Reams of purple fabric were draped over everything in sight, yet somehow they looked flowing and elegant, as opposed to looking like some sort of weird high-end drop cloth for painting the ceiling. Speaking of which, several yards of the same fabric were stretched over several strategically-placed stage lights that had been moved from the school’s auditorium to the gym, which said quite a bit about Rarity’s persuasive abilities, as getting that bit of logistics approved must have been an undertaking in itself, even if Vice Principal Luna favored her as much as rumors claimed. In addition to this lovely ambience, there was a rather well-stocked buffet table, as well as an area for dancing, though at the beginning of the evening, most of the students were shuffling about around the dance area, with few brave enough to be the first out on the floor.

In any other context, Pinkie would have been that first one without a moment’s thought, but the polls didn’t close for an hour, and there was still politicking to do. So, she went around chatting up anyone who would listen with compliments on wardrobe, while doing her best to deflect any remaining comments about Penumbra’s outburst earlier that week.

This wasn’t too difficult, since such comments were few and far between, which was somewhat surprising, given that Penumbra was off in a corner, silently observing everything as best she could. After Sunset’s attempt to have her banned from the Formal fell through, she’d been expecting her to try something this evening to keep Pinkie as isolated as possible. However, when Sunset entered, draped on the arm of the captain of the basketball team, she seemed to be more concerned with projecting an image of sophistication in her slinky, shimmery red dress, which contrasted with the more playful pink gown that Rarity had designed for Pinkie. The two contestants only crossed paths once during the early part of the night, and much to Penumbra’s surprise, both were calm and civil, with apparently genuine smiles on their faces.

Of course, in retrospect, this was to be expected. After all, neither Pinkie nor Sunset wanted to stir up any trouble that could result in a disqualification, so their respective supporters spent much of the evening in a state of forced politeness that only barely covered up the actual feelings of anticipation that built through the night. For what seemed like the hundredth time, Penumbra scanned the room, to make sure that she’d kept track of the key players.

Aside from Pinkie and herself, the most important was standing near the front of the gym next to a raised platform, chatting up Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna. Discord was still wearing his vest and dress slacks, but he’d exchanged his pinstriped necktie for a solid black one that looked a bit more restrained. If everything went to Tartarus tonight, his job would be to get as many people out of the gym as he could to reduce collateral damage, preferably without doing anything too over-the-top, if that was even possible—and surprisingly, Discord had agreed to do his best to be discreet without any argument.

Penumbra continued scanning the room, noting where each of their friends were. Rainbow Dash was hanging around the buffet table, casually picking at a plate of cocktail shrimp; Fluttershy was in another corner of the gym, looking as though she was trying to decide whether it was worth her while to actually take part in any of the evening’s activities; Rarity was gliding about the room, taking in compliments about her design choices and projecting an air of elegance and refinement; and Applejack was on the platform with the other members of the jazz ensemble, playing a subdued tune on her upright bass. Obviously, none of them knew anything about “Plan B,” but Penumbra had made it clear to Discord that they were to be his first priority for evacuation if Sunset started lashing out: as Pinkie’s closest human friends, they were all potential hostages.

Voting ended about halfway through the night, and Vice Principal Luna went to a separate room to tally them. There seemed to be a bit of tension in the air, though Penumbra was aware that she might have been projecting her own opinions onto that of the crowd. After all, only four people in the room knew that this was anything more than a popularity contest. Still, it seemed to take quite a while to finish counting the ballots, though perhaps it was standard practice not to announce the winner until close to the end of the evening.

Eventually, though, Luna reentered the room and handed an envelope to her sister. As the band ended its latest song, Celestia walked up to the podium, microphone in hand. “May I have your attention, please. I’d like to thank all of you for attending this year’s Fall Formal. I’m sure the memories you’ve made here tonight will last a lifetime. There’s just one thing left to do, and that’s crowning this year’s Fall Formal Princess.” Celestia paused to let Luna join her, carrying the Element of Magic on a decorative pillow.

“I apologize that this has taken so long,” Celestia continued, “but there were more votes cast than usual this year, and this year’s contest proved to be unusually competitive. In fact, it was the closest result since my first year as your principal, and Vice Principal Luna decided to recount the final votes just to be certain. I want to commend all the participants for their efforts.” Celestia paused again to open the envelope. After taking a few seconds to read the name inside, she resumed. “It is my pleasure to announce the winner of the election and your new Fall Formal Princess... Sunset Shimmer!

Author's Note:

Special thanks to djthomp and all of the other supporters on my Patreon.

I've also got an original short story available for purchase on Amazon.