This Is Almost a Prance Film
"Alright, I have just one pertinent question to ask," Rarity said. Then—between huffs and puffs—she let loose a prolonged, melodramatic whine. "Just which of you ponies thought that this would be a good ideaaaaa?" She hunched in mid-stride beneath her bulging saddlebag. "Ohhhhhhhhhh..."
She and four other ponies marched south along the railroad tracks. The mares traveled on hoof, carrying their backpacks on their flanks in the warm, noonday sun.
"Well, Rarity," Twilight spoke, breathing in and out as she trotted at a brisk pace directly behind Applejack. "It was either this or stay stranded inside that train, waiting for who knows how long before the engineers decided it was safe enough to taken off for our destination."
"Uhm..." Fluttershy shivered slightly, trotting behind Pinkie Pie. "Safe from what? Does anypony even know why we st-stopped in the first place?"
"Who cares?!" Pinkie Pie bounced and bounced, seemingly immune to the weight of her backpack. "A little fun in the sun is just what the joy doctor ordered! Weeeeeee!" She gasped, gaping wide at a buzzing cluster of trees. "Check it out! Go, cicadas! Go! Belt it out! You can kick tinnitus' flank any day! Heehee!"
"I don't see how you can possibly find merriment in this horrid situation," Rarity grumbled. She squinted, pausing to shade her eyes from the high sun overhead. "Ohhhhh! I swear... if this insufferable trek makes me perspire, I will die! Simply die!"
"Eughhh..." Twilight rolled her eyes as she shuffled in front of Pinkie Pie. "You know, Rarity, nopony asked you to come along."
"Uh!" Rarity gasped. "And just what was my other choice? To stay inside that cramped, stuffy train?! Right next to that noisy coach full of... of..." Her eyes narrowed like daggers as she shivered. "...Brayzilian Tourists..."
"Hey!" Pinkie frowned over her shoulder. "What's your beef with South Amuleica? Maud's training super hard to compete in the Rock Olympics there in four years!"
"Am I the only pony still worried about why the train stopped?" Fluttershy squeaked.
"Well, Fluttershy, the engineers were... very vague about it." Twilight scrunched and unscrunched her nose in mid-trot. "Apparently there's an old, somewhat outdated—but still very pertinent security protocol that train conductors follow."
"Uhhh..."
"Basically, when the communicative leylines of a magical telegraph service gets cut off, then the engineers must stop the train until the lines are reconnected. It's for the passengers safety."
"Yes, but certainly not for their comfort," Rarity griped.
"Please..." Twilight smirked, eyeing the railroad's vanishing point along the southern horizon as the group trotted along. "It's historically proven that—if a magial telegraph leyline's been cut—then that means that something like a fallen tree or a collapsed fence must have knocked out one or more of the crystalline junction points... which could also mean that part of the tracks have been clocked or—worse—damaged. The railroad service's safety precautions really are in our best interests."
"Oh..." Fluttershy exhaled heavily through a smile. "Whew... that's not so bad, then."
"Orrr... it could also mean an earthquake, tidal wave, false metastability event, or the return of Tirek." Twilight shrugged. "You never know."
"Eeeep!" Fluttershy quivered, hugging Pinkie from behind. "Please let it be a fallen fence! Pleeeease!
"Oh goddess!" Rarity gasped.
"What?!" Twilight and Applejack looked back, eyes wide.
"I... I-I think..." Rarity hyperventilated, feeling her forehead. "I-I think I might be sweati—"
SWOOOOSH! In a blue blur, Rainbow Dash streaked in from the south, braking in mid-air with two objects in her grasp. "I'm back!" She leaned in towards Rarity. "Rares? Here's your umbrella just like you asked."
"Oh! Thank the stars!" Rarity magically grasped the object, unfolded it, and instantly levitated it above herself. She reveled in the shade. "Ahhhhhhhh... Oh, and thank you too, of course, Rainbow darling."
"Hey. Don't mention it." Rainbow shrugged, then pivoted towards Twilight. "And Twi. Here's that scroll and quill you asked for."
"Erm... thanks, Rainbow, but... uhhhh..." Twilight blinked.
"What?" Rainbow blinked, hovering above the trekking quintet. "What'd I forget?"
"Oh, nothing." Twilight smirked wryly, shaking the dry quill. "Except for the ink, of course."
"Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, egghead." Rainbow shrugged dramatically. "I'm no Whinny Faulkneigh." She stifled a groan and nodded. "Just where is the darn thing?"
"On my royal desk. The ink well is situated two inches from the left side, right in front of the marble bust of Flas—erm..." Twilight cleared her throat. "...of s-some random royal guard. Classical Era stuff." She waved a hoof. "Nopony you know."
"Uh huh." Rainbow pivoted towards the others. "Anypony need anything else from my trip back?"
"Mmmm... Rainbow..." Rarity shimmied out of her saddlebag. "...would you be a dear?"
"Hey." Rainbow grabbed the bag. "Sure thing."
"And... just perhaps..." Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. "Some cold lemon sarasparilla upon your return?" She pointed. "There's a coin or two in the bit bag. Do help yourself to one too."
"Sweet. Thanks. Though I think I'll get a Dr. Pony."
"Ooooh!" Pinkie jolted, grinning from ear to ear. "I could use a Dr. Pony too!"
"If it's not too much..." Twilight raised a hoof, grinning. "Make it three?"
"Totally doable."
"Wow, Rainbow..." Fluttershy blinked. "It sure is nice for you to do this for us." She gulped. "I hope it's not too much."
"Pfffft... please..." Rainbow waved a hoof. "I was born to fly at the speed of lasers. Besides. It beats being stuck in a stupid, slow, boring trot with you melon fudges."
"Uhm... thanks." Fluttershy winced, head drooping. "I think?"
Rainbow pointed at Rarity. "Lemon sarsaparilla." She pointed at Pinkie and Twilight. "Dr. Pony. Dr. Pony." She touched her own chest. "Dr Pony. Aj? You want anything?"
"Meh."
"Mane Dew it is! Bee-Arr-Bee!" SWOOOOOSH! And Rainbow Dash soared back south on roaring pony rockets... or at least an echoing doppler facsimile of them.
"Oh dear..." Rarity cooed.
"What's wrong?" Fluttershy looked back.
Rarity fanned herself beneath the floating umbrella. "I do believe I forgot to ask her to put the sarsaparilla on ice."
"Rrrrgh!" Applejack suddenly scowled. "Who gives a cotton-pickin' hay about ice or drinks or umbrellas?!" She tilted her hat forward with a huff. "Can we just concentrate on gettin' ourselves home already?! It's already high noon!"
"Oooooooooooh!" Pinkie Pie grinned wickedly in mid-pounce. "Somepony's freckles have poppppped!"
"Now's not a good time, Pinkie," Applejack grumbled.
"Yeesh, AJ!" Twilight craned her neck at the pony leading the pack. "Just what slid up under your apple peels and died?"
"Yes, darling. Do tell." Rarity squinted. "You're never this impatient." She blinked. "Or huffy, for that matter."
"Is something wrong?" Fluttershy asked.
Applejack sighed, hanging her head. "I'm sorry for bitin' yer heads off, y'all. T'ain't proper. Yes—normally I'd lurve nothin' more than a laid-back cross-country stroll. But... but... dang it..." She frowned, nostrils flaring as she glared past the railroad tracks rolling ahead. "I done promised Apple Bloom that I would be there at her school to attend her show'n'tell presentation this afternoon!" She waved at the bright sky. "And in just a matter of hours, I'll have missed it!"
"Applejack, you have such a sweet, loving, understanding little sister," Fluttershy said with a kind smile. "I'm sure Apple Bloom be more than forgiving if circumstances made you late for show'n'tell."
"But it ain't just normal show'n'tell!" Applejack exclaimed. "It's the first time she's given such a presentation since she got her cutie mark!"
"Oh dear me..." Rarity blinked, eyes wide. "How unthoughtful of me." She gulped. "Perhaps... I-I should have attended for Sweetie Belle's sake?"
"Nah, Rarity. Ain't nothin' to get yer mane in a twirl over. It's..." Applejack cleared her throat. "It's somethin' of an Apple Family tradition, y'see." She gulped. "Big Mac attended my school when I did my first post-cutie-mark show'n'tell, and before that, Pa attended his. And then before that, Granny attended Pa's... and the list goes on, goin' all the way back to... to..."
Twilight gasped. "Pre-Modern Times in the Rural Equestrian West?"
"Purdy much, yup."
"Heeeeee..." Twilight blinked. Then gasped. "We gotta get you to Ponyville! On the double!"
"Not at this rate, Twi," Applejack said. "Face it. We ain't faster than a locomotive. And I'd hate to abandon y'all on such a long, arduous march."
FWOOOOOSH! Rainbow Dash returned, cradling several bottles and cans. "Opa!" She munched on a snack, gulped, and tossed the containers out. "Alright. Sarsaparilla. Dr. Pony. Dr. Pony. Mane Dew. Dr. Pony..."
"Oh boy oh boy!" Pinkie caught her canister and plucked at the lid. "I'm so thirsty, I could drink the frisky end of a hippo—!"
"No, Pinkie—wait!" Rainbow stretched a hoof out.
It was too late. A copious fountain of sudsy soda plowed into the pink mare's muzzle. "Blarghlblarghlblarghlblarghlll!" When it was done, she blinked, her face and mane dripping with syrupy suds. Her tongue licked and lathered across her muzzle. "Mmmmm! Bubbly!"
"Way to go, Einstallion." Rainbow smirked, folding her forelimbs. "Uhm... bit of a clue?" She pointed at her wings. "Fastest pegasus on the planet?" She pointed up at the clouds. "Empty skies?" She pointed at the cans. "Carbonated kidney stone makers?"
"Awww, Pinkie..." Fluttershy moped. "Now your drink is ruined."
"Mmmmm—sluuuurp! Don't be silly, Flutters!" Pinkie grinned, licking her chin and muzzle as the soda cascaded down her face. "Now it's just carrying the taste of all the lollipops and peppermints I have stuck in my mane!"
"Eeeugh..." Rarity shuddered, gazing up at Rainbow. "Perhaps you would be so kind as to carry me back to town instead of Applejack."
"Uhhhhh..." Rainbow bit once more into a snack, swallowed, and blinked. "Wat."
"Wat." Applejack echoed.
Twilight explained, "Applejack's afraid that we won't get to Ponyville in time for her to attend Apple Bloom's show'n'tell."
"Yeah, and?" Rainbow blinked.
Fluttershy cleared her throat. "Think you could give Applejack a lift? I think she would appreciate it. Wouldn't you, Applejack?"
"Uhhhhhh..." Applejack looked at Rainbow Dash, then back at the railroad tracks. "Yeah, no. That ain't happenin'."
"Hey..." Rainbow shrugged and tossed another cruncy snack in her muzzle. "She said it first, not me. Mrmmmff."
"Whatcha munchin' on, Dashie?" Pinkie asked.
"Mmmmmm..." Rainbow licked her lips and smiled, hovering in reverse. "Crackers! For some reason, Sugarcube Corner's counters are—like—chock full of the stuff today! It's the 'Afternoon Specialty,' according to the big glittery chalk board thingy."
"Whaaaaaaaat?!" Pinkie's wet muzzle scrunched. "Mrs. Cake didn't say nothing about cookin' no crackers!"
"Uhm... how does one cook crackers?" Fluttershy asked.
"Very... very carefully," Pinkie hissed.
"I can't see how that counts as a Sugarcube Corner Afternoon Specialty," Rarity said.
"I know, right?" Rainbow pointed at the container in her grasp. "Thankfully, they've got this super sick peanut butter mix to dunk the stuff in." She dipped another cracker and took a bite. "Mmmmm... mrmmfff... it's actually pretty darn good..."
"I want some!" Pinkie hopped. "Me me me! Please!"
"Heh... sure, Pinks. You can pay me later." Rainbow pivoted towards Twilight. "Hey egghead! Think fast!" She tossed her the ink well.
"Gaaah!" Twilight barely caught it in a magical field. She frowned. "Rainbow, careful!"
"Heeheehee!" Rainbow saluted. "You gotta lighten up, light bulb. Say... by the way... when did you buy Spike that snazzy trick poker deck?"
"Uhhhhh... huh?" Twilight blinked. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason. Zoop!" FWOOOOOSH! Rainbow rocketed south again.
Pinkie hollered through an invisible megaphone. "You'd better bring tons of Mrs. Cake's samples!"
"Pinkie..." Fluttershy winced, hissing. "My ears..."
"You know, Fluttershy," Rarity cooed, trotting alongside the mare as she held the umbrella up for both of them. "If you're feeling uncomfortable, you don't have to endure the trek on our behalf."
"Huh?" Fluttershy looked over, blinking. "Why, what do you mean, Rarity?"
"Oh... uhm... simply that... you could easily just... just..." Rarity glanced at Fluttershy's feathers, then at the railroad beside them. With a slow sigh, she reached over and patted Fluttershy's shoulder. "Never mind. Work those shapely curves, darling."
"I... will...?"
"Rrrrgh..." Applejack groaned. "She was gonna do this newfangled alchemy trick, too." Her lips pouted beneath her freckles. "Makin' a dead flower come to life with bath salts. Or somethin'. Heck if I know. I've never been to Mareami."
"Applejack, relax," Twilight said, dipping her floating pen into the floating ink and drawing ita cross the floating parchment. "If we keep up the steady pace, we'll reach Ponyville within the hour. Now, if you don't mind, I have a report to write on our most recent quest. Ahem." She smiled, eyes narrowing on her own words: "'Dear Princess Celestia, the friendship lesson we learned about non-gendered singing crystalline bipeds is—'"
FWOOOOOOOOSH! Rainbow rolled in, her forelimbs full of tiny plastic packages. "Booyakashaaaa!"
"Aaaack!" Twilight flinched, scraping a line across the sheet. "Rainbowwwww!" She hissed. "You nearly made me spill my ink!"
"Hey, guess you're a squid, kid." Rainbow pivoted towards Pinkie. "Hey Pinks! Bottoms up!" She tossed half of the containers at her.
"Woohoo! It's raining peanut butter and—hey!" Pinkie frowned, glaring at the plastic packages. "This stuff ain't home-baked! They're vendor-bought phonies! What gives?"
"Dude..." Rainbow shrugged, nearly dropping more crackers across the railroad tracks. "Sugarcube Corner was out of their stash by the time I returned!"
"Really?"
"Chyaaah!" Rainbow nodded. "Talk about hot cakes... crackers... peanut... baked?" She went cross-eyed, then shook her head. "Anyways, the store across the street had sold out as well... including the shop next to that. But then I found this sweet deal on them over at Flowers Devours!"
"Kewwwwwwl!" Pinkie ripped one of several packages open and munched away.
"Wait..." Rarity squinted. "Did you say 'Flowers Devours?'"
"Do you fart at the sight of Polyester?"
"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity tilted her chin up. "That is neither her nor there." She cleared her throat. "Point is, darling, Flowers Devours is a very expensive restaurant, known for its succulent cuisine and high class refinement."
"Mrmffff..." Pinkie munched and munched. "Mrmmmff... yeah? So...?"
"So..." Rarity blinked. "Isn't it a bit unbecoming of them to be serving such... eh... plebeian treats?"
"I'unno." Rainbow shrugged. Then grinned. "I'm gonna go get more! Catch, AJ!"
"Huh?!" Applejack winced as a liberal shower of peanut butter and crackers covered her hat. "Gaagh! Rrrgh..." She stomped a hoof. "Gosh darn it, Rainbow!"
FWOOOOOOOOOOSH! A prismatic streak disappeared over the southern horizon.
"One of these days, yer gonna speed yer tail off! And when the pot'o'gold falls out, dun come lookin' for help from any of us!" She huffed... puffed... then glanced at the others. "You suppose it'd be makin' up for thangs if I let Apple Bloom give Granny, Big Mac, and me a solo flower-growin' performance this weekend?"
"Mrmmfmf-mfrmmfmf-mfrmrmmf-mfmmrmfr-hrhhrm-mmrhhfmrmm!" Pinkie replied.
"... ... ..." Applejack hung her head. "Awwww shucks. I'm the worse big sister that ever worse'd." She sniffled... then frowned. "Eh... buck it. I'll just buy her tickets to Disneigh World and call it a day."
"That's your answer to everything, darling," Rarity yawned.
"I'd like to see you come up with somethin' better."
"Mmmm. Touche."
"Come to think of it..." Twilight blinked off into the distance. "As an oxide mineral that melts between two thousand thirty and two thousand fifty degrees celsius, sapphire is both insoluble and infusible. I don't see how any amount of rhythmic dancing could possibly change that. However, with enough chromium in conjunction with the aluminium oxide—"
FWOOOOOOOSH! Rainbow Dash appeared again. This time, she hovered above the group with a blank expression hanging off her face.
"Hey, Dashie!" Pinkie gulped the latest morsel down in mid-bounce, beaming. "Bring anymore snackies?"
"... ... ..." Rainbow blinked.
"Is... everything okay, Rainbow?" Fluttershy asked.
"Oh. Oh yeah. Sure." Rainbow pivoted towards Twilight. "Say, Twilight..."
"Yeah, Rainbow?"
"In all of your... y'know... geeky eggheaded bookreading..."
"Yeah? Rainbow?"
"Have you... uhhhm... ever come across an explanation as for why there should be—like—a bunch of strange deep grooves and trenches suddenly showing up in the middle of the street?" She blinked. "Followed by angry shouts and riotous crowds gathered around a farming town's city hall?"
Twilight's ears twitched. "Uhhhhh..."
"What in tarnation are you going on about, Rainbow?" Applejack remarked.
"I... think you guy should hurry it up a bit," Rainbow squeaked. "Things are... a bit freaky back at Ponyville."
"Define 'freaky,'" Rarity remarked.
"Yeah!" Pinkie made horse hoof quotation marks in the air. "On a scale of One to Ten!"
Rainbow tapped her chin, squinted, then looked down at the group. "How 'bout a 'Zed?'"
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100th story! WOO!
i.imgur.com/7drHiqr.jpg
Haha, the 100th is here!
i.imgur.com/7drHiqr.gif
Your hundredth story? I can C that.
What have you done?
What have you done?
What line to use? So many choices to reply with but really
supercultshow.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/257133__unopt__safe_twilight-sparkle_animated_image-macro_princess-twilight_highlander.gif
I am not so sure why you were worried SS&E, so far this hasn't been half bad.
It has begun...
test in a brave new world where everything becomes Trixie.
Just as the old gods intended.
I think the only word that can adequately describe what will transpire here is "kaizo." I look forward to it.
I suspect the fancy restaurant will eventually have as its special a three-course meal of peanut butter crackers, pinecones and hay shakes.
Also, deep grooves and trenches? Ponies pulling objects using skids instead of wheels?
This sounds like Seth's ideal world.
I'd quote a line to leave a positive comment about, but there are just too many awesome lines for it to be practical.
HAPPY 100 SKIRTS!
It's here!
100 stories.
You did it, you old fuzzbutt.
Now...what ridiculousness do you have in store for your audience now?
BOOM fuckin 100 stories right there. Not even gonna guess how mych Dr. Pepper was drank during the making of this.
Rarity, weren't you just saying how comfy and cozy the train was?
Well, you were offered.
If her flying pace is the same as their walking pace under regular circumstances, then it's whatever, right?
I get the feeling this applies to you in real life, Skirts.
6661532 in accordance with the prophecy.
49.media.tumblr.com/f8d306007614d5c2bdddd86fdfbc94e0/tumblr_nna5xeJO681t9sksvo1_400.gif
All that stuff about sapphire and being infusible... All I can think is Steven Universe. What is it actually about though?
...that sounds familiar...
Disneigh World, where AJ drops off Applebloom every weekend with a bottle of vodka and 5 tickets. Let's hear it for Best Big Sister!
Huh... Skirts is playing Splatoon?
!!!
6663569 I'm pretty sure that's it.
Welp.
There goes my hope of ending my day with something resembling normalcy.
"Let me guess. We're about to go over a huge waterfall."
"Yep."
"Sharp rocks at the bottom?"
"Most likely."
"Bring it on."
6662914
Seems like a pretty easy way to get him to barf up more delicious ponywords, too.
Well, here in Paraguay we do get a lot of brazilian tourists. And immigrants. They can actually blend more or less well until they start talking or we hear their names.
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You guys