The Trixiening

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Slices On a Train

Six colorful marefriends sat on a southbound train. Early morning light flickered between blurring mountains and fields outside the windows. Meanwhile, dim lanterns dangled across the ceiling, swaying with the jerks of the coach as the locomotive carried the ponies swiftly homeward.

Rainbow Dash yawned, squatting on her cushioned bench with near-feline ease. She blinked blearily into the dull light of the coach. Her fuzzy blue ears fluttered from the muffled hush of windy pockets of air rippling across the train's outer walls. The pegasus rubbed her muzzle, then rubbed it again. She scrunched and unscrunched her nose, exhaling a lethargic breath. At last, after much fidgeting, she looked over her shoulder.

Applejack sat in the rear of the coach, sandwiched between two piles of thick, bulging saddlebags. The mare had her hat tipped over her freckled face and she was snoring away in tune to the train's rattles.

Jaw clenched, Rainbow Dash looked a bit to the left.

Pinkie Pie pressed herself up against the rear door of the coach, wagging her tail like a dog as she gazed and gazed in anticipation of the refreshments cart rolling up the line.

Rainbow blinked. She pivoted and looked to her right, staring across the aisle.

Rarity sat on the outer edge of the bench, humming to herself as she daintily filed away at a pale hoof. The fashionista paused every now and then to observe her delicately improving hooficure. To the unicorn's immediate right, Fluttershy sat, staring peacefully out the window with darting eyes. The pegasus' lips moved as she counted each type of fowl and fauna that the train whizzed past in its journey.

Gulping, Rainbow looked straight forward. Then, after a few bumpy seconds, she stole a glance at the pony princess sitting left of her.

Twilight Sparkle hovered a book right in front of her nose. The alicorn blinked, licked her lips, then swiftly turned to the next page. Her purple eyes lit up with a tinge of fresh excitement upon being graced with a sheet full of brand new words.

Rainbow Dash exhaled. She leaned forward in her seat... then leaned back. Her wings twitched, and she clenched her teeth in antsy frustration. She swung a look over her shoulder again.

Pinkie squirmed and bounced in place, her eyes still searching the next few coaches for any sign of the refreshment cart. Her tongue hung out as she panted and panted.

Stifling a grumbling breath, Rainbow looked to her right once more.

Rarity continued filing at her hoof. In slightly belated fashion, her eyes darted back towards Rainbow Dash. Her lids fluttered inquisitively.

Rainbow blinked back. Ears folded, she sat still in her seat and faced forward.

Rarity glanced at Fluttershy. The two mares shared a look... then shrugged it off, continuing with their monotonous, silent inaction.

All the while, Applejack's snores echoed across the walls of the coach. A rustling sound signaled that Twilight was turning a new page... and then another.

At last, Rainbow Dash clenched her eyes shut. She gnashed her teeth, flexed her wings, then relaxed with a breathy groan. Shifting in her seat, the pegasus pivoted towards Twilight and cleared her throat.

"Hey," she murmured, her raspy words like gunshots against the interminable silence. "Pardon me for asking, but... aren't we doing this an awful lot?"

"Hmmm?" Twilight flipped another page, her studious eyes scanning down the paragraphs. "Doing what a lot?"

"This!" Rainbow's voice cracked. "What we're doing right now!"

"You mean..." Twilight's eyes finally popped off the page, narrowing on Rainbow. "...riding on a train?"

"Yeah!" Rainbow exhaled, brow furrowed. "Haven't you noticed that—like—we ride on trains a lot?"

"Well, we did just finish having a friendship adventure with the crystal fusion hominids of the norther—"

"And I'm not just talking about adventures! But... like..." Rainbow shrugged, stammering. "...for when we have errands to run. Or when we gotta spontaneously book it to Dodge's Junction... or Yakyakistan. Or... y'know..." She gestured over her shoulder at the source of the flagrant snoring. "When Applejackhammer back there has to go visit her Pie cousins a billionth times removed."

"Well, Equestria is a large place, Rainbow Dash—"

"Pfft! Don't I know it? But... like..." Rainbow shrugged. "Half of us can fly! One sixth of us can fly super awesomely fast. Heh. And you?" She pointed. "You can friggin' teleport!"

Twilight clapped her book shut and placed it by her seat before looking at Rainbow. "What are you getting at?"

"It just seems... I dunno... silly when you think about it," Rainbow Dash muttered. "Seems to me that when... like... I look back over the past few years that we've been together... y'know..." She waved her hooves. "All of us... as a group of friends..."

"Yeah...?"

"Feels like half of that time has been spent sitting in a train, waiting to get from place to place." Rainbow scratched the back of her neck. "I figured that—y'know—with all of these crazily faster ways we have of getting around the world, we wouldn't rely on trains so much."

"Rainbow..." Twilight chuckled, rolling her eyes. "We haven't spent half of our adventures sitting in a train!"

"You sure about that?"

"Why, if you break it down to quantifiable numbers, I'd say we've spent..." Twilight paused, her eyes rolling around their sockets in deep, contemplative thought. They exhausted two and a half clockwise revolutions before she melodically spouted: "No more than nine percent of our cross-country adventures sitting in trains!"

"That's still a big number!" Rainbow's voice cracked.

"Pffft. It is not."

"It is to me!" Rainbow gulped. "I was nine years old when I first busted a tooth loose! I-I think that was the first time I ever looked into the cold beady eyes of death!"

"Rainbow, nine years isn't the same as nine percent of something, especially when you consider the fact that the average Equestrian citizen lives approximately seventy-five years, not one hundred—"

"Now you're just making the number feel bigger!" Rainbow exclaimed. She scrunched inward, hugging herself. "Ah jeez! I-I don't even want to know what percentage of my life I've spent sitting uselessly inside trains now!"

"Number crunching might yield dramatic results at first, but I assure you that they're perfectly harmless, Rainbow. Especially when you stop to consider how nonsensical it is to be bothered by such facts." Twilight shrugged. "For example, the average pony spends maybe about ten years of their lifetime working... three years cooking... one and a half years in the bathroom..."

"Ugh!" Rainbow clapped a pair of hooves over her ears. "Not listening...!"

"And maybe twenty-five years sleeping!" Twilight stifled a giggle. "Although, in your case Rainbow Dash, I just might inflate that by about... ohhh... one point seven percent. Heehee."

"Do forgive the intrusion," Rarity said, leaning her head across the aisle. "But what might you two be talking about?"

"Number crunching!" Twilight chirped, beaming.

"No we're not." Rainbow pivoted about, glaring. "We're talking about how super lame it is that we spend so much friggin' time sitting on a train."

"Why, whatever do you mean, darling?" Rarity lifted a hoof daintily as she smiled. "This is only the most luxurious way to travel!" She winked. "And not too heavy on the bit bag too!"

"Yeah, but... what's the point if some of us can get to where we need to go faster?"

"Maybe we all can't be you, Rainbow Dash." Rarity smirked, raising an eyebrow. "Hasn't that ever crossed your mind?"

"Yo. Like... every time I wake up."

"Surely you wouldn't rather exercise and perspire unnecessarily when a steam locomotive could do all the work for you?"

"Uhm..." Fluttershy dipped in, drooping eyes obscured beneath her mane. "I'm fine with not perspiring." She gulped. "I'm terribly afraid of smelling myself."

"Look, it's not just about me and my awesome flight speeds!" Rainbow pointed at the alicorn seated next to her. "Take Twilight for example! She's got freaky-good skills in magic! Why, just a wave of her horn, and—Zap! She could teleport us to just about anywhere!" She looked to her left. "Right, Twi?"

"Well..."

"So what's stopping us from skipping the train, the wait, and the boredom altogether and just... y'know... Zap zap z-zap! Blinking to our destination! Courtesy of everypony's favorite zaponator!"

"I... uh..." Twilight rubbed her hooves pensively together. "...I-I would like to keep my teleportation spells to a minimum."

"Oh?" Fluttershy blinked. "Why is that?"

Twilight clenched her teeth, blanching slightly. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Pinkie Pie's face suddenly hung upside down before the mares. "Hey! What are you girls gabbing about?"

"Rainbow Dash hates trains," Rarity droned.

"I do not!" Rainbow frowned. "I hate waiting on trains!"

Pinkie dropped down from the lamp she was clinging to, landing on her tail. "Why do you hate trains, Dashie?"

"I never said—Unnngh!" Rainbow slumped, resting her chin on a hoof. "Forget it."

"'Cuz trains are the most splendiferous way of splendifering your fuzzy flank around Equestria!" She sprung her tail, did a backflip, and landed on all fours—grinning. "Not to mention tasty! Mmmm-mmmm! Especially when the cart lady shows up with her toffey and caramel popcorn and banana yogurt cups!" She glared towards the next coach's window as her voice took on an angry squeal: "Although she seems to be super duper late this afternoon for some reason!"

"Schnorrrrrrrrrr...!" Applejack contributed.

"Personally, I like sitting on trains," Fluttershy said with a bashful smile. "It's nice and quiet and comfy... not to mention a very good way to buffer for an upcoming friendship adventure."

"'Buffer,' darling?" Rarity inquired with a blink.

"Oh yes. 'Buffering' is what I call the time period I need to prepare myself for something important. It could be... uh... an important speech to my furry friends at book club... or when I'm just about to pull a baby mouse's aching tooth out... or just before making a trip to the grocery store."

"You've gotta be kidding me," Rainbow moaned.

"Question." Twilight leaned in. "Just how long does it take on average to 'buffer' for an event?"

"Oh... uhm..." Fluttershy fidgeted. "I'd say it depends on the severity of the occasion and its social importance."

"Do you have a metric for quantifying the variance?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "I'd say fifteen minutes to two hours."

"And how many times a week do you find yourself having to do this?"

"Three... four... maybe six times?"

"Well congratulations, Fluttershy!" Twilight grinned. "Assuming you live a full, healthy life, I'd say you'll spend a grand total of five years buffering!"

"Oh..." Fluttershy giggled breathily, clapping her hooves. "Isn't that swell?!"

Rarity grinned wide. "Twilight, darling, can you estimate how many years of my life I'll spend sewing lace onto petticoats?"

"Guys, come onnn!" Rainbow growled. "We're sitting on a train doing nothing! Doesn't that bother anypony in the least?"

"Uh oh..." Pinkie leaned in, eyes glittering mischievously. "Looks like Rainbow Dash can't stand the... jerks in the coach!"

The other three giggled.

Rainbow frowned, folding her forelimbs. "You stole that from somewhere."

"Oh yeah? How would you knowwww?" Pinkie Pie stuck her tongue out. "Blblbllbbb!"

Just then, a high-pitched screeching noise lit the air outside the train.

Every mare blinked at one another.

"What...?" Fluttershy hid closely behind Rarity, trembling. "Wh-what's that noise?"

"I think Pinkie's lame joke woke the dead," Rainbow muttered.

"Nothing of the sort." Twilight shook her head. "From the sound of it, I'd say the engineers were applying the train's brakes—"

Screeeeeeech!

The train lurched to a stop, each coach jolting heavily from the sudden loss in momentum.

"Whoahhh!" Rainbow stumbled forward, followed by Twilight and the rest.

Applejack flew off her seat—bumping hard across the bench directly in front of her. "Ummff!" Wincing, she lifted her hat, blinking blearily across the coach. "Huh? Whuh...?" Her freckled face scrunched. "Are we there yet?"

Comments

[Emperor]

It's 'Happening'.

I suppose you could say that Rainbow Dash is

*puts on sunglasses*

going loco

derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/7/29/686337__safe_rainbow+dash_animated_sunglasses_artist-colon-hankofficer_headbang_head+bob.gif

[Gammahoof]

... Zap zap z-zap! Blinking to our destination! Courtesy of everypony's favorite zaponator!"
"I... uh..." Twilight rubbed her hooves pensively together. "...I-I would like to keep my teleportation spells to a minimum."
"Oh?" Fluttershy blinked. "Why is that?"
Twilight clenched her teeth, blanching slightly. "I'd rather not talk about it.""

Now doesn't that sound like an interesting story...

[Samey90]

"Rainbow Dash hates trains," Rarity droned.

I guess Rainbow Dash remembers what happened to the guy who liked trains...

[Autumn Rush]

Well, I guess if I could fly at the speed of sound, I probably wouldn't like trains much either.

"Schnorrrrrrrrrr...!" Applejack contributed.

Sounds as good of an argument as ever.

Also, congrats on the 100th story, Skirts!

[Shipmun]

Come on RD, be reasonable. Trains really are the best way for you guys to travel. We've seen Twilight do a (semi) long distance teleport once, and that was with the power of 4 alicorns. As for flying, you know how weak of flyers Fluttershy and Twilight are! You're the only pony in the mane 6 with long distance capabilities that surpass that of a train.

I gotta admit though: I can see why being cooped up in a train would be infuriating to Dash. The mare's gotta fly

[Thought Prism]

Dat Steven Universe reference.

[Swan Song]

This entire chapter... omg... I love it. I love it so much. They're just sitting there talking.

This is what true friendship looks like. Just yammering on about silly, dumb, inconsequential things for hours on end.

I miss these scenes in the show. And in real life.

[Sam the Anti-Ninja]

6665672 Agreed. Friendship is Banter.

[Leftover of Saikano]

Sounds fun. Unlike spending that much time in a bus.

[zaponator]

"So what's stopping us from skipping the train, the wait, and the boredom altogether and just... y'know... Zap zap z-zap! Blinking to our destination! Courtesy of everypony's favorite zaponator!"

O-oh.