• Member Since 12th Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen Jul 31st, 2015

Feathery


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Twilight Sparkle, confused about stars, calls upon the pony who knows best to learn more about them.

Princess Luna.

Art: Twilight Sparkle and Princess Luna by artist-crenair

Also, thank you to Parallel Black and Sugar for the great advice.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 8 )

Do you want to see the Moon rise? Watch the ending of the day?

This feels like something out of a disney movie.

Like it would be something outta frozen.

And now I want to see where this goes.

Because it's a magic ponyland.

And stars are not made of plasma there. :ajsmug:

All intentional.... :trollestia:

Hey there, just dropping by to give you some advice :)

Something you should focus on improving is how much stuff you put into a scene. In this story, there's barely anything for Twilight to describe, yet not enough internal contemplation to make up for it. Almost exclusively, you have her wonder about the stars, but then seem to repeatedly go back to that in lots of paragraphs to the point where it becomes repetitive. You could try describing Twilight's telescope if it's there, for instance, just anything that adds more stuff to the scene.

The pacing seems odd at point as well, especially in that first paragraph. You have her thinking about the chart in front of her, but then immediately have her stop her train of thought - that sort of abrupt stop doesn't work well right at the start of a chapter. Aside from that, simple experience and logic can fix most problems with pacing.

Fixing my mane which had fallen into my face, smiling at the moon.

This sentence needs something more at its start to actually... start it, as a sentence. What you have there on its own is a fragment and, while it's obvious to the reader what's happening and who is doing what etc, it's an awkward grammatical stumble. You could instead put "I raised a hoof to my face and moved a few strands of mane that had fallen in front of my vision." or "I moved a few strands of mane away from my eyes as I smiled at the moon." There are a couple other parts where fragments like this one appear.

For the letter I would recommend using the Underline style, since that's how in-story writing is commonly portrayed. In the same way, thoughts are very often given the Italic style to differentiate them from spoken dialogue. Finally, I would recommend against putting images right in the middle of everything, let alone two in that second chapter, and let alone such huge ones. If you want images in a chapter, then put one at the start and no others, or maybe if you have a really dramatic moment you happen to have a suitable picture for (On a Cross and Arrow is a really good example of how pics in chapters should look).

Hope that all helps you, and I wish you the best :)

I'm confuse, where they dating already?

6092115 They aren't, it's just that I plan to ship them. :twilightblush:

So first of all you have some really grate imagery, especially when describing how Luna raises the moon in the second chapter. It feels spot on and I could clearly create an image of that event in my mind. That being said you don't need the pictures, especially since you don't credit any of the artists for the works that appear inside your writing, this does not include the cover image that you did credit. Besides not crediting the artist it is very jarring to be reading and suddenly have a giant image that interjects itself in the middle of reading and messes up the formatting of the writing. On the other hand sentences like "I thought, my brow bunched, as I let my eyes close and lead to the blackness of my eyelids covering my pupil and cornea." offer to much detail and I'm not sure what the purpose of the second half of this sentence is for because instead of imagining the scene I know have a biology lesson on the eye going through my head.

Speaking of formatting I almost skipped this story completely because you credit yourself as the editor. If you are the author of this or any story you shouldn't be crediting yourself as an editor as it's assumed that you edited it as you wrote the story. It feels a little arrogant and makes errors that I would have just glossed over stand out. No author should be the final editor of their own work because they are to close to it and will often read it as they intended to write it instead of how they actually wrote it. Editors can also give a different viewpoint, a readers viewpoint to a piece of work, that could help the story flow better.

I like that you kept Luna and Twilight's point of views confined to their individual chapters. Because of that you don't really need to call out whose PoV it is at the beginning of each chapter. I think you write well enough that I would know who's PoV each chapter is from so far without a notification.

The whole scene with Luna in the first chapter feels disjointed. So they both like each other, they are comfortable enough to tease and use pet names, they are not dating, but they are super embarrassed that Twilight called it a date? The whole conversation seems out of place because there is no background for any of these feelings so as a reader I feel like I've come in at the middle of this relationship.

I think this story could be good but you need an editor and the plot points need to be fleshed out. Also the pictures inside the story really need to go.

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