"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men." -Roald Dahl
Twilight is Best Pony6,371 stories ·3,071 members
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Twilight Sparkle is asked by a child where Cutie Marks come from, and begins investigating. However, what starts out as simple research uncovers shadowy forces at work, and with each new clue, she learns more than she ever wanted to know.
(Special Thanks to Doukzor100 for the awesome cover art! )
(I don't know how, but Marked has been featured! Thank you all so much!)
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Let's see where this goes...
Well enough written to catch my attention. This is being followed, but I'll need to see more to give a like :)
Non-magical earth ponies and pegasi... To be honest, it's hard for me to imagine an Equestria that isn't drenched in magic to the point of suffocating. I also consider destiny to be a proven fact, and the cause of the cutie marks. I'm eager to see how you make them appear in a world that isn't goverened by magic and destiny in its entirety.
nice read...'Marked'??? The same title as a story of a different element - Spike & Rarity kidnapped by dragons published last year.......
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Same name? Well, to be fair, this Community is certainly large enough to have multiple works under the same name...although it would have been preferable to not share a title with someone.
In either case, glad you like it so far!
6217954 no problemo some writers get bent when titles clash
Can't wait for Twilights melt down
Spike I need more data on cutie marks!
Well this is getting good.........Secrets
secrets
secrets
Do tell!
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So Twilight's suspicions are already raised. And rather than trust her friends by telling them not to tell Celestia, she panicked at the thought that they might tell Celestia that she told them not to tell her. So now she has to keep secrets from her friends. And Pinkie is like,
Also, that retconning. Story's not established yet, so it's not too bad.
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And here I thought she studied magic!!!! You'd Think she would realize when she was being magical watched.
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While she probably does have some cool detection powers, she's not omnipotent. That's a major factor here: Twilight who is a well known intellectual is being faced with many things she was never meant to understand. And I'm hoping that adds a lot to this story!
"a light smile crept upon her face"
Don't forget capitalization, my friend.
Great chapter, and quite an intriguing concept.
(I can't get images of Gummy's existential speech from the 100th episode out of my head...)
6330383
Good catch, and thanks!
I kinda found it funny that the "kids" failed to notice who they where trying to rob. It is a personal favorite of mine when I read about anyone who robs an obviously more dangerous foe. Good chapter and looking forward to Twilight's investigation and her finding out the truth!
Obviously, the professional is hired by someone, then hires the 4 thugs with a script for a quick buck. No doubt the thugs would have disappeared by morning regardless of outcome.
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The real irony is she's seen Celestia's screen room. She saw herself under massive amounts of surveillance through the whole princessification. There is no reason she wouldn't be ridiculously paranoid about being watched after seeing that, except for her implicit trust in Princess Celestia's good will.
I find your inclusion of King Sombra as a part of this Cutie Mark business a rather interesting choice, especially since there are no other outstanding tyrants of any other pony likeness, outside of Nightmare moon of course. However, She was swiftly thwarted, and Sombra experienced quite a bit more success. What ghastly role does Sombra play in all this? Is he in fact not the villain we once thought he was? Will it involve stairs!? We may soon find out. I look forward to more chapters!
Grammar time: (These are the only ones I caught, they may be wrong. Just trying to help!)
"In fact, from what she had read, nobody had ever even seen Sombra's Cutie Mark,
Despiteand despite very few descriptions of him without his beloved royal garb, it still said nothing about a mark." The despite might have been repeated."Well, I mentioned that there were some crime bursts lately so, I repositioned some of the guards in the higher rust areas." Did you intend to say higher crust, as in caste?
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Glad you're liking it so far! Oh, and thanks for the grammar check, I needed it!
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Call for the reinforcements
hiper confusion
stare control
boom boom
buck buck
sew sew
flame on
I have a plan
Getting really interesting now.
Cadance, some random pegasus, Celestia... just how many ponies are in on this cutie mark conspiracy?
This was a great chapter! I am eagerly awaiting to find out why Celestia did not want Twilight to research cutie marks. The sinister ponies at the beginning are certainly up to no good.
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Research !
Spectacular story so far; I'm deeply intrigued as the plot thickens. I wait anxiously for the development to continue!
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I'm glad You're intrigued! Stick around, you'll start getting the answers you seek. Who knows, maybe some answers have already been alluded to...
6602704
As for those ponies at the beginning, I'll say that at least one of them has been mentioned outside of the prologue...
Twice now this Mr. Reach has been mentioned. Good sir likes visiting princesses evidently!
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I wonder why Twilight never bothered to bring a guard with her....
I am sure we will see WHY next. After seeing him kill a good pony right next to her, she is going to use spells it would be best a guard not see.
This fic REALLY needs the Mystery Tag.
6666013
Mystery Tag Added!
Thanks for reading, and thanks for the Tip! Glad you're enjoying it so far!
Meanwhile back at the crystal castle......
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Twi's facing some bad assed killers!
You can run, but your butt follows you no matter where you go.
Oh no, he escaped! wait
And once again, Twilight is so stupid that she didn't grab him with her telekinesis...
6671376
I'd actually like to thank you, Jam. You've pointed out a few things that need to be addressed, and it made me have to think a little deeper about my writing. Thus, I hope you enjoy this next chapter!
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the story continues. . . .
Well, those reasons appear to be plausible...
the Flame
Tex
the Lady
the wall
Zoo Keeper
Rocketeer
and the Wrecker
CALL 1 800 BAG CREW
Never tell Twilight what she can't do. Cadance should know by now that that is not the way to get her to stop.
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Its arguably one the greater evils in my opinion.
Well, sorry it took me so long to get here. At least I read this eventually, right? Hehe... hah... yeah, sorry about that.
Anyway, solid start. The mystery is very clear (or, rather, it isn't) right from the get-go. I do have a few little nitpicks, however.
I actually didn't know this myself until I started writing on FimFiction and a commenter kindly pointed it out, but dialogue followed by statements such as 'he said' count as a part of the same sentence as the dialogue. For this reason, there should not be a period at the end of the speech, but instead a comma. The 'He' immediately following it should be lowercase as well, since it is a part of the same sentence. A grammatically correct version of the sentence would be this:
One more thing I noticed:
What's with the random capitalization?
Anyway, so far so good! I am very curious where this will go.
6818027
Thanks for the help, I'm always looking for constructive criticisms! I'm glad you're enjoying it thus far!
As requested, I'm continuing to give my thoughts on each chapter.
I don't have too much to say this time. I thought the part where the child asks Twilight about cutie marks was kind of awkward, but not too much so. The bit with spike dreaming about Rarity and Twilight interrupting it was pretty funny and well done. You do seem to be writing Spike rather well, too. The things he's said and done seem very in character.
Solid chapter overall!
I really like this chapter. I get the feeling that some very important hints were dropped here that will come back later. For example, Celestia wondering which foal it was that asked the question. That wasn't too subtle that it could be easily missed or too in the reader's face that it becomes annoying. Nicely done.
Who is this Mr. Reach, I wonder...
If I had one complaint about this chapter, then it would be that it feels like Celestia somewhat abruptly brushed off Twilight. Their meeting seems oddly short and direct. I would have expected Celestia to ask Twilight how things were going and make at least some small talk instead of just cutting right to the point. This isn't a major flaw or anything of the sort, but more of a personal nitpick. Disregard if you disagree.
This sentence is really clunky and odd, as well as grammatically incorrect. Personally, I'd rephrase it into something more like this:
Usually, it's not good to have a character's voice interject their actions. It makes reading the sentence odd. Either have the speech or action first. This isn't a set-in-stone rule, but I find it makes smoother reading and it's far easier to write.
Anyway, I love the part with Pinkie and the zap apple jam recipe. That was pretty funny. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "I can't trust my friends anymore" thing. Seems a bit too dramatic a bit too fast. Wouldn't her friends be more likely to trust Twilight if she were to explain herself?
Also, you may want to re-read this again and do some minor editing. The capitalization is all over the place at some parts.
There are a lot of problems right here. I'll try and tackle them one sentence at a time.
I've noticed this for a while in small cases, but this is a large enough one that my example should be easier to see. Instead of having a comma randomly connecting two complete sentences without a conjunction, just make them two separate sentences. Here's what it would look like that way:
I have noticed this problem occur only a few times before now, but when you directly address a character in this way a comma is required before the name. The correct version would be:
This is a personal nitpick again, but I personally find it is better to just use the character's name or a simple "he/she/it" pronoun.
The part I underlined is an incomplete sentence. This can easily be fixed by adding a few words to the start of the phrase.
As a friend, I'd like you to know that I have never once doubted your intelligence. In fact, you're one of the smartest people I've known. That made it all the more hilarious to see this typo.
Ultimate lolz were had for a good ten minutes. You silly filly.
You may want to re-read this chapter and do some simple checks for capitalization. It's going crazy at some points.
The plot thickens once again, and, as I so often seem to say, I'm quite interested to see where this goes. I'm pleased with this story, and can't wait to read more!
However, to blend in, Twilight chose a rather flashy colour scheme, Yellow and green. Nonetheless, probably all the more unexpected.
Ponder the rest of Equestria playing a game of, "Where's Twilight" for the next couple of chapters.
Write on, Dear Fellow!
More pwease?
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Your wish has been granted!