Three
“Coming!”
The voice is musical, and graceful. It’s happy, and carefree.
Trixie wants to run away.
But before she has the chance, the door to the palace creaks open, and Trixie can only stare as Twilight Sparkle steps out.
Twilight’s eyes are wide as she scans Trixie. Her lips part silently, and she hangs like that for a few seconds before muttering, “Trixie…? What in the world are you doing here?”
The first words Trixie has heard spoken to her in weeks. She tries to respond, but nothing comes out.
Trixie wants to run. She needs to run. Her eyes are burning and her lungs are collapsing and her hooves are shaking and she’s going to run away. She’s going to be alone she’s going to
Twilight takes a step forward and pulls Trixie into a hug.
Trixie tenses at first, but everything melts away as she catches the scent of strawberry rising from Twilight’s warm, silky mane. This… this isn’t something that Trixie has noticed before. She likes it.
“Are you okay?” Twilight asks, pulling away too soon. She lays a hoof on Trixie’s shaking shoulders and tries to look her in the eye. “You seem upset.”
The world goes blurry again. Does Trixie really think Twilight can help a mare like her—would help a mare like her? Trixie dips her head and tries to say something, but all that comes out is a pathetic squeak. Trixie is pathetic. Worthless. She deserves the nightmares. She deserves to suffer. She deserves
Twilight touches a wing to Trixie’s cheek, bringing her eyes up to meet Twilight’s wide smile. “Come inside,” Twilight says. “I’ll have Spike make us some tea, and we can talk. Okay?”
…Okay?
Trixie doesn’t answer at first. She just opens her mouth. It takes what feels like a full day for her to close her quivering jaw again and simply nod. She wants to smile, just like Twilight is smiling, bright and beautiful, but she can’t. Not yet. Trixie's spent her entire life forcing herself to look great, to look powerful—but maybe now, if only for a moment, she can allow herself to be weak.
Maybe being weak isn’t such a bad thing.
Twilight grins and walks back inside, gesturing for Trixie to follow.
The Great and Powerful Trixie takes one last shaking breath before I step inside Twilight’s home.
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Beautifully done. You had a strong foundation with the Writeoff entry, and you expanded it into an incredible bit of psychological torment and roiling emotion. And that ending sentence...
Thank you for this.
Second comment because I made the first one in too much haste and somehow didn't notice chapters 2 and 3.
Having read them, let me say that I was expecting the idea with Luna to be more explicitly stated in the story, though one could easily argue inference for it.
Taking in just chapter 1 vs chapters 2 and 3? It does remove the horror. It removes the ambiguity. We do see the comfort and succour that Trixie needs being provided (or at least the start of it) at the end. Now, does that make it a better story?
Well, just the beginning affected me enough to ignore chapters 2 and 3 before commenting, thinking that was the whole deal. Make of that what you will. Do you want horror, or moving beyond horror? Your choice.
6028662
I don't think there's any greater compliment an artist can receive than "thank you." Thank you for reading, FoME.
6028669
Thank you for your insights, my friend.
On the emdashes thing: trust me, I know. That was a BIG point of contention between my editors and I. Trust me, I love emdashes as much as the next guy—they are quite honestly my favorite type of punctuation (/englishmajornerd). However, for this piece, I felt that a lack of emdashes worked better, as it allowed for snappier interruptions. For me personally, I read emdashed interruptions with a pause. Here, I wanted to do what I could to get rid of that pause, and make the frantic thoughts really smash into one another while still keeping it understandable.
And yeah, this really isn't meant to be an outright "horror" piece. As much as I love putting my characters through hell, I need happy endings to keep me going. If you want to keep thinking of it as a horror, tho, just pretend that the last two chapters are dreams as well.
Once again, thank you for reading. I appreciate you taking the time to leave such detailed comments.
6028744
Ah, okay. As long as you're aware and that it was a conscious choice. I'm just so used to it being an unconscious mistake around here with writers forgetting the punctuation at the end or forgetting to finish the sentence (or something along the lines eating part of the sentence) that it's more disruptive as it twigs the editor in me.
I've also been on a bit of an unintentional horror binge of late, which is why this struck me so. In the last day I've read Room To Grow by BlndDog, I.D. Entity by Goldymarg, and Panacea by AugieDog. And now this.
That last sentence tho. That was subtle, but not enough to get past me.
Oh. wow.
This story is impressing. I like this take on Trixie.
And what could I say - I love happy ends.
So have my like for writing this work. My fav, because it's worth to be read again.
And finally a moustache for this unusual immersing style of narration.
6029408
While I hesitate to give any sort of official diagnosis, that was what I was going for here.
i.imgflip.com/m65uz.jpg
Oh wow. Powerful. Moving. I loved it.
I'm not too fond of dark stuff, but this... yeah, it had a strong punch. It brought out the emotions. Not to mention that I can probably learn a lot about descriptive writing from this. Excellent work.
I'll admit, though, without the happy ending I probably wouldn't have liked it nearly as much. Putting a character through the wringer, sure, if it gets them anywhere; but I need a positive wrapup at the end.
Yeah, loved it.
I really like that the piece has such a strong and distinct narrative voice. The present tense narration helps enhance the unease that Trixie feels throughout the story. The way you describe Tirek's actions makes me think that the story is a metaphor for surviving sexual violence.
6028788 I see you didn't comment in "Room To Grow" and I'm not sure if I should read it.
~Leonzilla
6044885
It is added to my Enjoyed shelf, and may be upgraded to Favourite if it ever finishes. It's a really well done piece of atmospheric horror, the whole story being a nice slow burn so far. The author calls it a mystery, but the whole thing so far is steeped in decay, and isolation, and dread. It makes very good used of the long-abandoned city in winter setting and there's tons of great imagery.
The protagonists are a wonderfully realized father and daughter griffon pair scavenging through an empty pony city. We know it's on an island, we know it was hastily abandoned, but we don't know exactly why it was abandoned; we know there were extreme racial tension between griffons and ponies in the father's time right before the city was abandoned, but not how they came to a head or why; we also know they're not alone and something is hunting them. Or at least toying with them.
I didn't leave comments because I didn't have anything to add beside a cry of "MOAR!!"
Oh, and I'd also read The Devil's Trick by Soundslikeponies as well before reading this. That was another contributor to my horror vibe.
6044946 Sounds good I have added The Devil's Trick to my to-read list and "Room To Grow" to my "Read if it's finish" folder.
Thank you for that descriptive reply,
~Leonzilla
This......is amazing. Only three chapters but so much emotion. This really needs a sequel.
Since I tend to ramble, I will start by saying that this was exceptionally good. It was an evocative emotional story with a good grounding in a pony's personal trauma. The ending leaves hope in more ways than one, as a personal transformation like what we see is a major first step on the road towards recovery.
Bravo, sir, on an exceptional narrative.
Very well done, overall! Glad I read it after the other chapters came out - the cliffhanger on that first chapter's a doozy.
6029116 I just caught that after reading your comment - Dubs, you sly dog...
Only thing I could comment on that I think would improve this story at all is the ol' 'show, don't tell' critique. I think more steady description and narrative and a little less 'telling' would have deepened the reading immersion. In many cases, her actions/reactions/emotions/etc. are pretty well showcased in a smooth flow - but suddenly, the flow is cut short by a stiff statement that keeps the reader nearly falling out. Definitely not a story killer, but constructive feedback can only help!
Thanks for the read!
Now I want to write a story about a therapist with a thousand new patients after Tirek's defeat. I never really thought about how traumatizing that experience probably was.
Brilliant, absolutley brilliant.
Just when I thought pony fanfiction wasn't worth reading anymore... Seriously, it feels like it's been years since I've come across a story that's been worth my time to sit down and read. And that led to a lot of trepidation to actually give this one a shot. So many 'Dark' tagged stories that are more akin to 'Grimderp' than 'Grimdark'. But this story... This story deserves recognition. Powerful, flowing narration that laid the concept plain right away without being hamfisted along the way. Very strong imagery that never went so far as to sound like a kid with a brand new thesaurus trying to sound poetic. And a fantastic ending that I'll admit I would have completely screwed up had I tried to write something like this myself. Plus that last line! Such a perfect little twist!
I'm left astounded. Thank you so much for making this. Thank you for helping me remember that there are actually things on this site worth experiencing.
And now you have made me want to write again.
6028744
An excellent piece. You capture Trixie's character beautifully; both in her inability reconcile her trauma and helplessness with her self identity as the Great and Powerful Trixie, and her ultimate self awareness of how bleak her lot has become. You really did do a remarkable job of letting Trixie's voice shine through in spite of her own dark feelings.
It occurs to me to wonder just how many other ponies were left badly traumatised by their encounter with Tirek? In many ways the treatment he delivered was reminiscent of rape, at least after a fashion. Trixie at least has a princess in her corner, she'll probably be okay now. That may well not be true for many others
Thank you for such a thought provoking fic, I shall greatly look forward to your future endeavours
Woah.
...It's not often that something slams me emotionally.
I reviewed this story!
My review can be found here.
I NEED MORRR....pls ;_;
Quite well done, I'd say.
Whew.
It's a good thing it's a children's show, right?
With even a little more realism, those scenes of Tirek's conquest could have been far darker... not to mention the aftermath. Even though he was defeated, even if the Rainbow of Harmony wiped away all the widespread physical and magical harm he'd caused... What about the memories? Even if the Elements laid on some pretty hefty mind-mojo to help ponies deal with it, the sheer number of victims would make it hard not to find foals, and even some adults, still suffering to some degree. And what if there was no such balm, and ponies had to deal with it on their own -- or more likely, given the spirit of the setting, with the help of their friends?
That's something I was forced to consider regarding a story I'm writing, and in the end I decided the setting simply had to be pre-Tirek. This story really brings home the reason for that decision.
Trixie is a great main character for this. Her desire for self-sufficiency and the public persona she puts on make it quite believable that she'd be hit hard by a situation in which she was powerless to help herself and as a result had even that taken from her, and would find it difficult to admit that she needed help to recover from that experience. The shift to first person in the last line is great (although I didn't actually notice it until after reading about it in Titanium's review) -- she's setting aside that mask even in her own mind after deciding it's okay to let somepony see her at such a low, feeling vulnerable and not really all that great.
I have to admit, I didn't much like Trixie after her appearances on the show. But, I have been giving her more thought and and feel that she has more depth than I originally perceived. A story like this brings out the insecurities that she has that drive her to be great and powerful. I like the fact that she feels the need to get help and turns to the one pony that would be able to give it to her. I would like to see this story expanded (longer/more chapters) and maybe a sequel.
6772171
First off, it's —, not -
Secondly: 6028744
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
i love this story!
7104428
I don't got no idea what that means :)
Fantastic.
7105322
Nor do I, on a second read. :V
I read this a long while ago, and while I enjoyed it, it didn't really jump out at me as anything special. I like to think that I've gotten better at reading over the past year, and noticing good writing. Bad writing certainly bothers me more than it used to.
After seeing this story pop up in the round robin reviews, I decided to give it another go, and I'm glad I did. The first time, I didn't notice how perfectly the writing set me inside of Trixie's head, not just reading a story but reading a real person. I didn't notice all of the little things, like Twilight sharing a scent with Trixie's estranged mother. And I certainly didn't notice the last sentence, which hit me like a brick wall.
So thank you. Have a like and favorite, long overdue.
7296037
I appreciate you giving it a second chance. Thank you!
Huh. I knew the title seemed reeeeally familiar.
This was brilliant. I don't always get on well with Royal Guard fics, which occasionally seem to reward superb prose without similarly superb ideas, but no such worries here. I was certainly touched by this, and even though it's far from being a barrel of laughs I'm glad I read it. The chapter structure... I see the idea, but it didn't quite work for me; I found it annoying!choppy rather than disconcerting!choppy, I suppose. Also, I have no idea who Reese Roper is, which probably doesn't help. Still, although I'm not sure I could ever love a fic like this, I certainly was impressed by it. Especially that last line. Wow.
You can has review!
The psychological denseness of that first chapter was intense as cluck. was this a singular nightmare, a montage of days or weeks. And that tiny word in the last sentence, didn't notice it the first time, but past reviews said it was important so I gave it a second take and mind blown, it was such a tiny insignificant detail that hadceverything just click.