The Cutie Mark Crusaders decide to make a flag that would be dedicated in creating the image of their club. After working on it for most of the night they sleep in the barn, exhaustion overcoming them. When Applejack finds them inside that very morning she see's a sight that she never thought she see.
Warning: Cuteness to ensue.
I don't own the art work. It belongs to Geomancing. He has really nice artwork.
Special Thanks goes to my editors Sunnypack, Sweets82 and Dudeguyone for the help. And most appreciation goes to Cerulean Voice for the Proofreading. Without these people this story wouldn't be possible. So go check them out!
Chapters (1)
I could have sworn that I'd read this story somewhere before this, but maybe I'm wrong.
Anyway, great, great story! Have a Fave, up-vote and a Follow for such a wonderful piece!
It's cute story... however, it really could use another editing pass through a proofreader who actually knows the roles of English grammar, I'm afraid. There's a lot of mixing of past and present tenses in the same sentence or paragraph, and a lot of places where you're incorrectly punctuating the characters' dialogue. Specifically, when a line of dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (a who-said-it-and-how attribution of the dialogue), the whole thing — dialogue plus attribution — is always considered once sentence, and punctuated as follows:
(1) If the character's dialogue would normally end with a period if it were a standalone sentence, you end with a comma before the closing quote instead;
(2) The first word of the attribution outside of the closing quote is not capitalized, unless it's someone's name (or the first-person pronoun "I");
(3) If the dialogue ends with "?" or "!", you still use those marks, but rule (2) still applies on the dialogue tag afterwards.
So:
This, on the other hand, is correct:
because what follows the dialogue is not a dialogue tag; it's a separate action which occurs after Sweetie Belle finishes speaking.
Also, speaking of your dialogue tags:
This word does not mean what you think it means.
A "smirk" is a mocking or sarcastic expression, not a synonym for "smile." This is a good illustration of why you should stick with the basic "said", "asked", and "replied" as much as possible, and avoid reaching for fancier attributions unless you really need to communicate a specific tone of voice for effect — and unless you're really, really sure you know what the word actually means. "Said,", "asked", and "replied" are effectively invisible to a reader, and they don't notice them — but speech verbs like "smirked", "interjected", "beamed", etc. draw attention to themselves.
Next:
It's, with the apostrophe, is the contraction of "it is."
Its, without an apostrophe, is the possessive pronoun. Possessive pronouns ("his", "hers", "its", "theirs", "yours") never get apostrophes. So:
One good trick to determine which one you want to use is to actually put "it is" into the sentence, and see if it still makes sense or not. "The moon slowly ascends into it is place" obviously makes no sense, so you don't want the contraction, you want the pronoun.
That sentence also illustrates the past/present tense problems, BTW.
There are numerous things wrong, here. First, "ascends" is present-tense, while "approached" is past-tense. Mixing them like this isn't permissible in narrative; it either has to be all past-tense:
or all present-tense:
(Ah keep tellin' ya, if y'all didn't drink so much coffee, ya wouldn't be so "tense" all the time.)
(That joke never gets old for you, does it, Applejack?)
(Nnnope.)
The second problem is that the second part of the sentence, after the comma, is a clause describing what the moon is doing as it rises, so the verb "blanketed" actually needs to be the participle "blanketing", instead. The sentence needs to be written as:
This might, on the surface, seem like a violation of the above rule about not mixing past and present tense, since "blanketing" is a present participle, but it all has to do with the fact that you're describing a sequence of events. "The moon slowly ascended" establishes to the reader that the event took place before "now" ("now" being the moment they're reading the story); "blanketing" then communicates that the "blanketing" happened simultaneously with the moon's ascent, as opposed to the land already being blanketed by the light before the moon rose.
The third problem in this sentence is that "indigo" begins with a vowel sound, so "a indigo" is incorrect; it needs to be an indigo.
(A windigo? Holy horsefeathers, how did one o' them things get in here?)
(That's "indigo", darling, not "windigo.")
(...what's th' difference?)
(It's... oh, never mind.)
The fourth problem is that you can't use "indigo" this way; it's the name of a color, but it's not a singular object where you can have "an indigo" or "several indigos." You also can't follow it with a prepositional "of light" like this, because the sentence construct "a(n) __X__ of __Y___" can only work if the prepositional phrase "of __Y__" indicates possession of, or a property of, the object __X__ ("the keys of harmony", or "the white of an egg"). "Light" is not a property of "indigo"; if anything, its the other way around, where the color "indigo" would be a property of the "light." So, altogether:
Now, "indigo" becomes an adjective describing the "light" which the moon is "blanketing the land with." See how that works?
(Y'all done bein' fussy an' pedantic now?)
(*sigh* Say goodnight, Applejack.)
(G'night, Applejack)
(*groan* That joke doth be older than the rocks on Our moon...)
5999232 Thank you Kindly for that. I'm very glad that you enjoyed it and I hope to bring more like it in the near future.
5999472 I already made the changes like you suggested, thanks for pointing it out for me.
Plus thanks for giving this instructive feedback. I can learn from this and will help me out on some of my grammar issues.
Right, if anybody needs me, I'll be over here dying of a cuteness overload.
6001528 You're very welcome, hon.
Oh, I did, and I'm eager to see more like this from you!
That's so cute.
6142066 Glad you liked it.
6142679 I'm a sucker for cute. For some reason, the cover art reminded me of puppies.
This was so cute.
Something like this needs to become an episode!
6356337 It was a fun story to make. If it weren't for my editors, this would not have been possible. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
6359371 And I'm glad you and your editors were able to make it.
>"I can let Rarity and Rainbow Dash know you're here. That alright girls?”
Why does EVERY author I come across on this site forget that Sweetie Belle has actual parents that LIVE IN TOWN, and that RD isn't Scootaloo's guardian? It isn't even until later in the show that she 'canon' becomes a rolemodel big sister for her.
I know, I know. I'm nitpicking. I should just shut up and enjoy the story. But when story sticks to those points and doesn't come with an 'alternate universe' tag, my imersion gets broken.
Besides that, this was an adorable story, and herby request a sequel.
6414654 I understand your concern. I was focused on a few things that I was only considering at the time and I decided to focus on a few things that surrounded the CMC. I appreciate the feedback and will remember to consider on those other details you mentioned.
Also you mentioned a possible sequel. Got a plethora of other stories that I'm currently working on but I will keep that into consideration.
633 views with 0 thumbs down... you are an artist
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6850833 Thank you for that. Although, it's my editors who really helped me in making this story great. I had the vision and story, they helped me paint the canvas.
This story is really cute) It contain so more of love and warm - just beautiful!
I’m gonna say this now I think we all want more cmc fluff and cuteness