you have my attention.

Interest piqued, this should be an interesting ride. Is this going to deserve a comedy tag before it's all said and done? The Will Rogers quote you open with makes me assume you've got some crazy hijinks in the works.

I like Where the story Is going

As good as it was I would have liked to read about what had happened at the wedding

I will watch and wait

>>598200598200 Hey, keep in mind, this is only the first chapter - we'll get to the wedding, just not completely right off the bat - there's gonna be a tad bit of backstory first!

:>>598113598113 Come to think of it, I might actually go and add a comedy tag into it right now - there's gonna be a bit of comedy right off the bat with Chapter 2, so I think I'll go and add that now.

Not only did someone on Youtube describe this potentially being "The Comedy of Errors, with ponies" when I described the idea to them, but there's also another thing: have you ever seen The Swan Princess and the part with younger Derek and Odette at the song "This is My Idea"?  Yeah, well that plus the song "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" is more or less gonna be shown to sum up the relationship between Chrysalis and Metamorphosis in flashback next chapter.

I don't always read some of the newer stories that come out, but when I do, I am pleasantly surprised.  

>>598097598097 Aaaaaaaaaannnd mine!

Oh goodness me. This is looking much better than I thought it would. Well done! I, Victor Frost, officially endorse this King Metamorphosis Fanfiction.

I am aware of how insane this sounds but I actually find Chrysalis' voice and appearance to be a lot better than Princess Cadence.

Of course, the changeling queen is evil to the core, but visually and vocally she's wonderful. I dunno. Part of this might be my deep subconscious desire to have an emo-with-a-heart-of-gold-girlfriend. Part of it might be that I don't really like the 'barbie doll' look.

Does anyone else agree?

ooh looks interesting, ima track and read it when its complete

>>599430599430 Oh my gosh.... Victor Frost you actually commented, wow! *dies of happiness because you've both read and liked what I have so far and you were the inspiration for this whole thing*  Thanks so much!

I'm probably gonna end up hearing all the parts I write for King Metamorphosis as being in your epic voice for him! (except the younger flashbacks, but hey.)  

This is getting interesting, and I can sense the trickery levels nearly getting off the charts. The only way the tricks could get trickier is if a being of pure trickery would come in, kidnap the bride and groom, and trick everyone that he was both of them, changelings included.

Obviously we all know who could pull off such a devious trick.

Image: http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/84/ocelotpartyll1.gif

  - I've deceived you, I am changeling Queen!

- No, I'VE DECEIVED YOU! I am changeling King!

- ...

- ...

- So...

- ...we're imprisoned both bride and groom?

- Well, fuck.

Tracking and thumbs up. 4 teh LULZ

Four kind of notes of construct. crit.

1)Opening with a quote by a human author is too off-setting and takes the focus off of the 'pony'. I'd cut that.

2)There's a whole hell of a lot of dry, descriptive language. "It was", 'There were', 'they were', etc. That gives sort of a... overly dull undertone to the whole thing. You might want to look over this and think about revising thing, or at least trying in the new chapters to be more character and action oriented.

3)The opening has a really... dull set of info being given. It reads a little like what you'd see on a college guidance adviser website. "There are changes coming. One must know said changes"-type language. I'd look at maybe revising that.

4)I may really be mis-interpreting things, but it seems like the changeling king might want more than 'love' in the magical sense from Cadence. Like he'd want to milk her for physical, emotional, and everything else. Maybe even 'fall in love' back?

Or maybe Chrysalis is wanting the same thing? This seems unclear. Do these changelings normally fall in love with each other, marry, and have foals like normal ponies do? How does this relate to their status as 'love' hunting parasite things?

Not a 'bad thing' about your writing at all; I just felt confused.

Would they notice when they can't feed from each other?

And hell if Twilight won't notice her brother's impostor if she noticed Cadance.

>>600317600317 I actually have to thank you for that constructive criticism - they do say, after all, that criticism like that shouldn't be seen as putting your writing down, but to help make it better.  So I gotta thank you for that for helping improve my writing.

1. I see your point about the quote, so I took it out.  Though Richard Adams put quotes at the beginning of his chapters in Watership Down, which was a novel about rabbits (and one of my favorite books) I can understand how having quotes may work in one situation but not in others - thanks for the critique on that!

(... I apologize for the long answer to the short critique)

2. Oh, there's definitely going to be more action in the later chapters, and hopefully a better mix of showing (describing what things are like( and telling (basically just quickly saying "This happened that's it", though ordinarily a writer should go on the "show don't tell" route.  I can definitely see where you're coming from and try to revise that.

3. That I will most definitely revise, because, to be perfectly honest, I was kind of at a loss of how to properly open the story - they do say that the beginning of a story is the hardest part to write, and honestly I couldn't agree more with that statement.

4. And to make a point on your final crit., I can give you a little bit of background into what Chrysalis is based on in the show itself: Chrysalis is based off of a creature in folklore known as a succubus, which would appear as a normal female in order to seduce them (an incubus is the male counterpart).  In the actual show, Chrysalis gets extremely close to Shining Armor at some points, and even acts that way toward a mannequin during her song when no one else is around, plus her assumed "exaggerated wink" when she sings "But I still want him to be all mine" has the same subtext applicable.  Based on that point of basis, I've kind of employed it so both of them have that sort of succubus/incubus vibe to them.  As for them being able to feel love themselves, all that will be expanded on a bit in the next chapter.

So, long reply aside, thanks for the constructive critique, it really helps.

>>600574600574 As far as noticing when they can't feed off each other goes, you have to keep in mind that romantic love isn't the only kind of love - for instance, in the book "The Sight", when one of the good characters protests to the main antagonist that she can't possibly love the one she's raising to be evil, the antagonist says, "You're wrong, I love his hate."  In my view, one thing that both Chrysalis and Metamorphosis share a love for is power.  

As for Shining... well, you'll see what Metamorphosis does and who ends up investigating his behavior.

The Comedy of Equestrian Errors. I can't wait to read this!

>>600926600926 Funny thing about that is that connection didn't even occur to me until someone else on Youtube pointed it out when I proposed the fic idea, and I actually read TCoE at the beginning of the semester for my Shakespeare class.

>>600938600938

If that person is jamezbond45, that's me!

>>600943600943 Oh, yeah, that was you! I see you got my Youtube message!

>>600958600958

Yup! I'd review it now, but I've got 8 different fics to read (including yours) as well as finals to study for, so I'm a little swamped!

>>600995600995 Hey, that's okay, take your time!  I understand how rough finals and such can be! (I had my finals two weeks ago, so I'm on summer break now)

>>600831600831

I'm glad that you took criticism well and didn't just snap... (like too many authors out there )

I've written about Chrysalis twice. One is a romance with Princess Luna (albeit a cloppy one ) while the other is an adventure fic where she tortures poor by holding the other CMC in danger and otherwise doing bad stuff to her to tease out her 'love'.

I guess I see her / them as more complex than succubii. I suppose I think of them as more like classic parasites in the sense of worms and such w.r.t love. Not just that, but the intellectual sense of being adored also feeds them. In a way, there's a left possibility that they could mutually feed from someone with strong enough love and an inner constitution and go from parasites into something like emotional symboties.

I sort of tried to do that w.r.t Luna, so that Luna's inner darkness and strength as Nightmare Moon (I'm also writing NM as not 'evil' per say, but as a part of Luna that was filled with external evil but is since now cleansed and good like a hero-- maybe like how Clark Kent is just a part of Superman)... means that Luna wants to de-fang / tame Chrysalis until they can be in a real relationship and maybe eventually have her take Luna's side as a co-Princess.

>>603177603177 Hey, your critique made good points and wasn't trying to be insulting or anything, so I was willing to listen!  Also it gave me a chance to improve that open which I was having so much trouble with when I first posted the thing.

I do agree that Chrysalis/Metamorphosis are more complex than just simple succubi (it's why next chapter you'll get a bit on their backstory together), though I wanted to keep that inspired-aspect as part of their personalities.  Although, the relationship thing is gonna get kind of complicated.

And you've wrote things with Chrysalis before too, sweet!   Though, when you mentioned Luna "de-fang-ing" Chrysalis, I honestly got a mental image of Chrysalis being like a cat and Luna helping to get her fangs removed at a doctor's or something.

>>603224603224

Though, when you mentioned Luna "de-fang-ing" Chrysalis, I honestly got a mental image of Chrysalis being like a cat and Luna helping to get her fangs removed at a doctor's or something.

OH GOD

I sputtered out in laughter, almost dropping my laptop

You are awesome

>>603325603325 Lol, glad you got a kick out of that!

Hmm, I think I like where this is going. Continue, please!

>>612948612948 Indeed I shall continue - expect changling culture stuff next chapter!

This is looking to be quite interesting...keep it up.

Very promising

*wants to read more*

Okay this will be interesting

I'm not going to lie.  You did an amazing job giving such in-depth detail to the Changeling culture and history.  I'm impressed.  

>>632970632970 Thanks!  I'm a big fan of books like Watership Down, Guardians of Ga'Hoole, etc, where they have their own culture and religion and stuff, so I thought.  "Hey, I'm gonna go that route and give the changelings a culture because I love that stuff!

Also...

*glances up at featured box and happens to see story there*

....

*Rainbow Dash 'ohmygosh', falls over and dies of happiness*

Well...this should be fun.

This is going to get exciting! I especially liked the looks into changeling culture.

Speaking of which, what's your reasoning for the names? Chrysalis and Metamorphosis have somewhat normal-sounding names, while their changelings have more exotic names. Are the names supposed to be in changeling? What is it?

>>633095633095 All of the changeling names are meant to be exotic changeling names - except one.  Their goddess, Circe, is actually from Greek mythology, an enchantress who changed her form and that of others, and basically was quite a bit like Chrysalis (the plant that grew on her island even reminds me of the changeling crown a bit).  The original lines from which Chrysalis, Metamorphosis, and the like all thus will have names that combine Greek words (I will elaborate more on those later, and already have one in mind for Chrysalis's ancestors), but eventually more surnames came about and the royal lines came up with their own names and terms, going from Greek to more exotic wordings.

>>633162633162

I see. Thanks for the info, and yeah, I know who Circe is to a degree. Thanks!

>>633181633181 No problem! The MLP team seems to like sneaking in Greek mythology references in the show, so I figured it couldn't hurt to add some in for the changelings!

NO WHY DID YOU HAVE TO END IT ON A CLIFFHANGER?!

This story seems interesting,ill be waiting for the next chapter

I love this story  so  is the rivalry  the caused for the hate between the two changelings or did they fall in love  the something bad happens

>>633222633222 I ended it on a cliffhanger because I love doing things like that   Even though I get in suspense when others end things on cliffhangers!  Such is the way suspense works, I suppose!

>>633234633234 *smirks* Maybe... or it could be both... or something else different entirely... you didn't think I'd spoil it all, would you?

>>633249633249 I know u wouldent Im just trying to get hints  or clues

>>633264633264 Well, those were nice guesses, and you shall soon find out for yourself - more flashbacks will reveal more things later.

You are a mean one you seem to be trolling me more than celestia trolls twilight

Here's hoping that Shining and Candace meet up in the underground cave after they get captured. Also; what are you going to do when the two changelings don't get love energy from each other, I'd think that would set off some warrning bells

>>633339633339 I've out-trolled Trollestia, what has this world come to?

>>633399633399 Well, there are different kinds of love and, as I mentioned in this chapter, a love of power is one of them.  

Due to the nature of their unique appearance, it was believed that the more majestic and complex changelings like him were destined to rule with their stature and power.  As shown by the immense structure, the rulers were viewed to be nearly on the level of deities themselves.

The Almighty Tallest.

Image: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gHskrDHeOwA/TcHgfBMBzYI/AAAAAAAABS8/tfgOv_5vprc/s1600/5.jpg

>>633643633643 Pff, now I have the mental imagery of Circe and the Changing rulers being like The Tallest, and the armies of changelings going out to invade with the Invader Zim theme... and Metamorphosis and Chrysalis laughing like Zim..

>>633663633663

Wouldn't the guy who kept getting bashed on the head be Zim? Scern, I think it was?

>>633622633622 I was under the assumption that changlings could only feed off of the 'lovey dovey' kind of love. Still, two changlings feeding off of each other has to cause some kind of problem. After all; if they could feed off of each other, why would they need ponies? Now don't get me wrong; I think this is an amazing idea and I really can't wait to see where you go with it

>>633708633708 You have a point - Screnar would be Zim, and Metamorphosis and the spirit of The Great and Powerful Circe would be The Almighty Tallest.

>>633727633727

Then who is Chrysalis?

>>633712633712

Do you know why good always wins? Because evil is dumb.

>>633712633712 The way I see it (at least for this story) kinda works out something like this: in the show itself, we've seen how powerful emotions and the like are - it's a reason why "The Power of Love", "The Power of Friendship", etc. are tropes on TV Tropes, so extremely strong feelings carry a certain type of magic with them.  Also, taking a bit of a page from the book "The Sight" with this comment - in that book, the antagonist, a wolf named Morgra, attempts to gain ultimate power and knowledge by fulfilling a prophecy, but one of the protagonists, a wolf named Palla, says that she can't ever fulfill the prophecy because she doesn't feel love.  Morgra responds that she's wrong, saying that she loves the hate of a wolf pup she brainwashed into being her own son.  Kind of going off that same principle, the magic of the emotions can work and can be fed on, if that particular emotion or feeling is strong enough.  (not to mention there's a little something else to it, but that's for later in the fic )

I apologize for the lengthy reply.

>>633751633751 Hhmm.. I don't know who Chrysalis would be in that Zim-verse context... Dib maybe, since he always suspects Zim?  I dunno, I didn't watch Invader Zim so much I knew all the characters, just a few times.

Good always wins because evil overlooks the tricks up its sleeve and sets its own personal goals too high.

>>633797633797

Considering how the story will inevitably end, both Metsy and Chrissy would both be the Almighty Tallest.

>>633805633805 Aw, for some reason I find "Metsy" a cute name for Metamorphosis... although he'd hate it.   I can just imagine that now:

Metsy: Now that we have joined together, we are set to conquer every other realm!

Chrissy: And eventually, other planets, as we conquer the universe!

Screnar: I VOLUNTEER TO BEGIN THE INVASION!

Metamorphosis and Chrysalis: ... *stare*

Screnar: ... Please?

The Allmighty Changeling Tallest: Fine.

>>633784633784I guess that makes sense. I still look forward to seeing how you deal with two changlings feeding on each other.

>>633850633850 Thanks!  That part's gonna be quite interesting to write...

>>633823633823

And for another devilish duo.

Prepare for trouble...

And make it double!

>>633894633894 Imagining Chrysalis and Metamorphosis as Team Rocket is hilarious!   That should be fan-art or something!

... But who would be Meowth?

>>633903633903

Screnar, duh.

>>633911633911 Lol, good point there!

Chrysalis: Team Changeling, blast off at the speed of light!

Metamorphosis: Surrender or prepare to fight!

Screnar: And I'm Screnar, that's right!

I'd totally draw that if I were good at drawing.

>>633919633919

Better yet. Screnar as Wobbuffet.

I enjoy each chapter of this story.

>>633925633925 Oh man, Wobbuffet would so fit, considering Wobbuffet basically pops up when no one wants him too and they're just like, "Get back in your Pokeball!"

>>633934633934

Does that make Shining and Cadence Ash and Misty?

>>633928633928 And it's only two chapters in!

>>633939633939 Definite yes!  Besides, I always was an AshxMisty supporter, whether friendship or romantic.

>>633945633945

Then who is Bro-

MY GOD.

>>633951633951 Oooh, what, what was your idea for Brock?

>>633966633966

Molestia.

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png

>>633978633978 ... Oddly, that makes sense...   That would be so dang awkward....

>>633989633989

But that leaves who as Gar-

>>633994633994 Let me guess, let me guess... Cupcakes!Pinkie, right?

>>633998633998

EVEN WORSE.

>>634008634008 Rainbow Factory-Dash?.... Sweet Apple Massacre Big Mac?!

>>634070634070

EVEN WORSE.

>>634087634087 What sorcery is this - what pony could it be?... or maybe it's Discord...

>>634115634115

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/7c9d2c854011944582da291eaa39d119/153783%20-%20artist%3Aminituffs%20gary_motherfucking_oak%20Gary_Oak%20luna%20pokemon.png

>>634122634122 Luna shall thus be the rival of Twilight in the Poke-Pony-verse, Luna always seeming to be one step ahead!

And that picture is made of win.

>>634221634221

You mean Shining Armour.

>>634265634265 Oh yeah, good point, thanks for the correction!

Princess Luna, the fierce rival of Shining Armor who always makes sure she's one step ahead!

Shining Armor: *reads a sign* Luna was here... *sees that Luna also wrote 'Shining is a loser'*  LOSER?!  Ugh, that Luna!

>>634289634289

The leaves Professor OH DEAR GOD.

>>634316634316 *intrigued* What?  Who would be Professor Oak?  Older!Twilight because she's really smart?

Like the story but I'm a bit sad that you changed the physiology of the other tribe so much. Changelings are some of my favourite creatures in the mlp universe and that is largely because of their bug like design

>>635609635609 I gotta say I love the design of the changelings too, but similar to how there are different types of ponies and such, varieties of other animals, etc., I figured that it would be interesting to give each changeling tribe/swarm/family a different appearance to set them apart from one another, and it gives a bit of interesting variety to their mythology.

Changelings are awesome.

>>635274635274

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

>>636365636365 Oh dear gosh, Professor Discord!   I would think he'd be Giavonni or something, but whatever.

>>635622635622 Yeah that makes sence hadn't really thought of that. Still I think the original design is my favourite

So Chrysalis's changelings are the normal in-show changelings. What exactly to Metamorphosis's changelings look like? I know that their legs have no holes, but what else is different?

>>640722640722 In contrast to normal pegasus wings and the insect wings of Chrysalis's family, Metamorphosis's wings are more like that of a bird of prey, and his limbs are pretty powerful as well.  So his family line has more of the gift of force and power (hence Prince Metamorphosis's bragging), while Chrysalis's line is more resistant to infection... well, the parasitic insect kind, anyway.

Dang, now I'm making them sound like Pokemon or something with those kinds of descriptions.

I like where this fic is going.