I'm obsessed with TwiDash, OctaScratch and RariJack fics... ScootaBelle also has a soft spot in my heart I guess...
While out hiking by herself, Twilight comes upon a mare sitting near a campfire. The mare looks familiar, but that isn't whats bothering Twilight. It's the fact that the mare's ears and head twitch towards any sound in the forest. Is she waiting for someone?
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Now that is a sad story you tell.
Either I've been completely desensitized or this isn't all that sad. Seeing as how just the other day I found a fic that damn near made my cry, I'm gonna guess it's the latter.
Sad fics like these are all about three things; the buildup, the reveal, and the emotions. If I were a teacher I'd give you a C for each. Luckily for you I'm not a teacher and will actually explain.
The buildup here was lackluster, for two reasons; because it was too short compared to the reveal, the two being almost the same length, and it didn't have enough foreshadowing, which can also be linked to the length. You have a good idea here but it could have been made better if you explored it more. Make the conversation longer, drop a few more hints it was a memory, stuff like that.
The reveal is too long. It should be dropped on the reader and left there to burn a hole through their heart. With this, you spoon-feed the reveal a little bit of information at a time. There's not a singular point of realization, not a suddenness sense of dread, nothing. That's not about it being fairly predictable - which it actually wasn't until the end - it was all about how you went about the reveal.
You actually did the best on the emotions. Especially when you have Twilight cry for a "unknown" reason while listening to her talk to Rainbow's grave. You could have done better had you given a little more detail about her thoughts and feelings, but as it stands it's not terrible.
Over all I have issues with your continuity. At first Twilight can talk to her dream-self just fine, but then her dream-self doesn't even see her? Besides that, how is telling her dream-self going to change anything? You didn't really explain much and while that can be a good thing in this case it just doesn't make any sense. You went too heavy on the explanation of what was going on and not enough on how it was all going on.
All in all, not terrible, but room for much improvement.
5941649 It really means a lot to me that you had decided to read and review my story. Thank you. (I was grinning like a dumb idiot reading your comment...)
I'll definitely try and take your advice into consideration if I ever decide to write another little story.
5941004 Thanks I guess? Would that double as a compliment?
5941736 oh it was a compliment. It takes a lot to get me to feel sad. And this drug them out kicking and seaming into the light. So yes, me saying it's a sad tale really means I felt sad for Twilight, because I could both sympathize with here and understand her viewpoint.
Damn, this reminds me of another fic that clawed at my heart (IT IS A KORRASAMI ONE-SHOT, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
How was that predictable?
You know, Considering how much I both love and hate sad stories, I find it fascinating how my first story would be a sad one...
Trust me, you're not alone there. I still find it amazing that even after all if the romantic oneshots I wrote, my first story was a momlestia fic with a much less expected pairing than what I usually prefer.
Why do you do this to my feels? This was really sad...
I seriously almost cried, and that never happens with a story...
well sorry but i don't think i can finish it. it have a good start but my heart miss a beat when i read about dash and it make me even more sad to imagine who was the mare twilight encounter.
sorry but i don't think i will finish it now maybe later, who know but i think it's a relly great story even if i didn't read it. and a last time: sorry for not reading it