First try at writing anything for public viewing. Just an idea (inspired mostly by Crimson Night, go read it. Awesome story.) that I've been floating in my head for a few days. Not really sure if it's worth continuing. Thoughts and comments greatly appreciated!

compelling.

Interesting...go on.

N.I.B. - Black Sabbath

>>599932599932

Funny you should post that. I wrote this song listening to the band the first chapter is named after, some of my friends have compared them to Sabbath. All of the chapter titles will be the names of bands or songs I listened too while writing them.

>>599948599948

Now that's some good shit. Gonna need to get more of them.

>>599962599962

I recommend the tune Heroin Train off of And Hell Will Follow Me (yes I lifted the story title from them too).

And there's chapter 2. Now bed. Gnight internet.

cant wait for the next chapter

first of the remade version

Please don't kill Rarity this time!

>>10090911009091

I could kill Sweetie Belle instead if you prefer. I've been bandying that back in forth in my head ever since I started this rewrite, I'm still not sure who dies yet.

>>10091001009100 Maybe neither of them die?

>>10091031009103

You jest. I like that

First and might I say let the Training montage begin!

cant wait for the next chapter

>>10091091009109 hmmmmm new death i really dont want to see rarity die but the other story was soo good, but you could change it soe instead of sweetie bell its rarity who fights, but aaaaaaaaaaaa

Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5fmudbmi31rqdksoo1_500.jpg

>>10091001009100 Naaaaaaah kill off Rarity!

>>10091091009109

Kill Sweetie Belle. her voice annoys me.

Atleast Sweetie Belle can sing just kill Rarity Haha xD

Pinkie breaks physics

Dash has his super speed

AJ has her strenght

Fluttershy her rage that kills every1

Rarity only has weak magic :/ (the reason why i dislike rarity the most)

And Twilight just rocks ( my favo )

>>10250331025033

Rarity has also demonstrated quick wits and willingness to put herself in danger. She kicked a fucking manticore in the face dude. :lol:

She's also a HELL of a lot easier to write

edit:

Dash... his? Dash is a girl...

>>10250391025039

well it is ur call :P

As long as there is awesomeness in the story i'm happy :P

And ugh you made me watch the second episode again of season 1 lol

Rarity's funeral scene brought manly tears to my eyes. but since Sweetie dies instead I look forward to what changes it brings to the story.

We all know what a pathetic, whiny vampony Rarity'll be.

Its obvious rarity will become one. Atleast that would make sense atm.

But first Twilight needs to suck all their blood for various powas!

Anyway is/are the next chapter(s) almost done?

>>10606791060679

It's getting there, slowly. I've got another chunk of writing on my plate that's draining a lot of my time.

The Giver was a great book.

>>10881321088132

Yes it was, and that is precisely why I used that title.

I imagined the tree as a giant toothpick... lol

Anyway, I liked this chapter!

oooooo man all hell is about to break loose

Rarity... an assassin... ... ...

My Life is now complete.

Suitable Image:

Image: http://th06.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/109/a/7/the_one_and_only_rarity_by_johnjoseco-d3eeyk1.jpg

this is so freaking epic!!

Cant wait for next chapter!!

bring it on! :D

I can't believe it took me so long to get this done

>>11660721166072 this seems good but school prevents me from reading this, but im sure this will not fail my expectations  

keep up i know you can do it its still an amazing story

I love this story. I just hope you don't make Twilight a mary sue like how it was becoming before the rewrite (no offense.).

>>11718761171876

That's part of the reason I'm rewriting, and the reason why she doesn't have the same level of brute power now. Fight scenes are going to start getting reworked to be harder on the entire Guard as well.

I just hope you can forgive my rudeness. I wasn't trying to sound ungrateful.

>>11719701171970

Hey, if you ever see any issue with my writing, call me on it.

Constructive criticism is how authors get better. Other people notice things the author doesn't. There's nothing rude about helping me to make my work better.

Authors Notes:

I am a bastard sometimes.

Italics mean it happened the previous night

Rewrite is nearly done, there's the battle and I think after that I'll be at the point of adding new material.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa epic song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>12672771267277

Just wait until you hear the battle music I have planned...

this fic is soooo Awesome! always go hyper happy when i see the update :D

battle is going be epic, hope they kick ass

>>12673161267316 cant wait

Great!

Love the choice of music, Two Steps From Hell is my favorite!

>>12721911272191

You know the tune Archangel? That's gonna be used for a scene in the next battle chapter.

Amazing as always.

>>12724811272481

Thankee

>>12722121272212 Archangel's one of my favorites

oops i had archangel playing for fluttershys fights <.< >.> it fit remarkably well XD

The Sanguis Custodiae.  The Blood Guard.

Okay, I'll say it.

MORTAL COMBAT!!

>>12822671282267

Oh god. That's going to be stuck in my head for a week. You bastard

>>12822911282291

Hey, if I didn't do it, someone else would have.

>>12825881282588

...true.

Yes, I know, I said longer chapters. And future chapters will be longer.

But this one? I couldn't end it any other way.

>>13448941344894

Well if this is some kind of foreshadowing as to how the story is gonna go, its so much better than twilight becoming immortal and fighting aliens in the original.

>>13475471347547

Well, she's been immortal since the prologue. I just have a fairly loose definition of immortality. No natural life span or any such thing, she'll live till something kills her.

But yeah, no more aliens. Twas a bit out there even for me.

CTHULHU!!!

Well I didn't see that coming. I like the changes that you've made to the story. Keep it up

>>13664351366435

Thankee

wow mayor change

>>13664671366467

Indeed. Certainly casts a new light on The Keeper's reasons for helping Twilight defeat the Necromancers.

>>13665091366509 eyup

*Jaw drop*

The Keeper is best pony!

>>13683641368364

He's certainly a protective parent.

Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22452645.jpg

A CHILD FUCKING DIED! WTF!

I can't stop reading this story

>>13711371371137

Shoulda saved that pic for three chapters from now

>>13711561371156 ...damn. Don't worry I'm sure I can find another one if that's the case.

Well that was depressing . You killed everyone... You killed Mac... And Granny... And tortured Scoot and Bloom .

I like grim-dark and all but this is...

Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/24701753.jpg

But I cant just stop can I? No I must see this through .

>>13716841371684

My mind is like some little murder factory with a grudge against ponies.

>>13717051371705

Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ljbuVVcO1ro9s10.jpg

>>13722191372219

I am completely serious.

The old draft of this story was even worse. The plans I have for when the war really kicks off in this story are even worse than that.

>>13823191382319

Image: http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT2TH08WOdjTiZzdRTqTmhsNsvdhIx3QIbL5KZODq-JjFjpBgjDMJ-393FV

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up this conversation with memes.

aawwweeee no berserkers

>>14850301485030

That's 'cause Riese hasn't gotten mad yet.

Hey, a chunk of The Keepers past! More of that to come, including greater detail of what has already been said.

You implemented the Roman gods. Very nice. Very nice indeed.

>>15057081505708

Couple different mythologies will play in as my version of the Titanomachy works itself out.

moar!!!! need moar

so let lose the gods of war

>>15069261506926

Not yet...

I love that the Keeper has a backstory now.   Makes him such a much more interesting character and he hopefully gets more screentime than just whenever Twi is passed out.

Let me just clarify...the Titan, this force of unstoppable destruction, has just pissed off the Keeper, the Lord of the Void, who is also Celestia and Luna's FATHER.

Yeah, that Titan is toast.

>>15152691515269

Yeah, the Titan basically just picked a fight with Death. Capital D Death. Grim Reaper.

It's gonna be fun to write. I has ideas.

edit:

Strike that, rephrase it.

The Titan has picked a fight with Death, the Sun, the Moon, and six extremely capable and effectively immortal mares who just so happen to be the focus for the magic that quite literally created the universe.

>>15229131522913

Sounds like a PARTY!!!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png

Well... that's the longest unbroken scene I've done yet I believe.

That was dramatic. Curious as to how this will play out.....

Poor Rainbow Dash, losing at her own talent (speed).

wow this was soooooo deep

>>15541421554142

Only to be expected, really. She might be her universes version of a real life superhero, but Polaris is pretty much a god.

im gonna split up the story into three phases:

the first phase is from the beginning up to them forming the blood guard, the second phase is from there to the battle, and then from the battle to here is the third. all the phases were good, not as good as i felt they could have been but still good. the first phase felt forced, like it's only purpose was to build up a base for the second and third phase, and that it couldn't quite find the way to transition into phase two. about half the second phase seemed forced as well, not in the same way though; it felt like there was an extreme sudden change in the girls, followed by a fast continuous uneasy growth, again; it just wasn't that smooth. second half of the second phase felt smoother. the third phase i have no opinion on yet, other than that it feel more natural than the previous ones, i just named it the third phase because it's different from before the battle.

i like your action sequences, they are the ones i enjoy the most, but i have to say, actually giving the girls "classes" in the blood guard was unnecessary, it's not like they've made a difference in anything, in my opinion at least. i think i would have preferred if you did something like hint towards their talent and "roles" during training instead.

looking forward to more.

>>16104221610422

I agree completely. I tore my hair out rewriting this once, and I'm still not anywhere near happy with what you named the first and second phases. The problem I find with it is that unless I crank the time skip up from two months (it used to be two weeks) to explain the change in the girls character, this story would go on for another fifty thousand words before any story development or action took place. Ah well. Write, learn, do better next time.

Thanks, the action sequences are what I spend the most time on and stress over the most. The who classes thing is a relic from an earlier version of the story, although it will matter somewhat as the story goes on and battles are fought with different goals and in different terrain.

More is on the way, next chapter is getting near half done.

The next two chapters will deal with:

Rainbow Dash coping with her little revelation

Removing the mental blocks from the rest of the Blood Guard

It doesn't really matter story wise which order they come in, so which do you guys want to see first?

i don't know why but i see twilight already knowing.

I sense Fluttershy losing her mind during the process..