Unexpected Emotions

by MidnightBlaze16

Chapter 1 - Realization

Author's Note:

FINALLY I'M ACTUALLY DOING A TWIDASH STORY!!!! This has been my OTP for SOOO LOONG and oly just got around t writing my own! I do't really have much of a plan for this story so this should be fun
Just a quick guide:
"talking"
'thinking'
'conciuosness'

KNOCK KNOCK

The door was surrounded by a purple aura and opened to reveal the newest Princess, Twilight Sparkle. “HI Rainbow! Ready for our reading session!” Twilight asked

“Yep!” said Twilight’s prismatic friend. “Though I finished the last Daring Do book a few nights ago, so I’ll need a new series to read,” she said, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly.

“That’s fine. I actually wanted to show this series I found. It’s rather different to Daring Do but I’m sure you’ll like it,” Twilight said, inviting Rainbow inside the library she called her home.

“OK then?” Rainbow followed Twilight and got settled into her usual reading position on the carpet by the fire and watching Twilight walked over to a bookcase to find the book she was looking for, watching her flank for a bit longer than she should have.

Twilight walked over, book in aura and settled down next to rainbow, her side against Rainbow’s, causing the pegasus’s cheeks to heat up. ‘I still don’t know why that happens…’ she thought.

Twilight put the book down between them. On the cover was a grey and purple maned kinda nerdy-looking pegasus stallion and a brash and more cool-looking orange and blue-maned unicorn.
“Ember Burst and Shadow Amethyst. This is the first one in the series, there are 5 altogether. It’s a lot like Daring Do only with a little bit of a more advanced story-line and some romance between the 2 main characters.” Twilight explained.

“OK then, let’s try this out,” Rainbow said, opening the cover as she beginning reading.

As Rainbow read on, and the mare in the story, Ember Burst, began to fall for the stallion, Shadow amethyst, she began to notice some similarities between Ember’s emotions and her own. Lately she had been getting certain…feelings, around Twilight. Stuff like her cheeks warming up, a warm feeling in her chest whenever she was complimented and feeling heartbroken whenever she was sad, willing to do anything to cheer her up. And now that she thought about it, she always had thought that Twilight was stunningly beautiful…but she never thought anything of it.

Rainbow’s eyes widened as she looked at the alicorn by her side, her eyes – her beautiful eyes – running across the page at twice, no, three times the speed that Rainbow’s could, her wings twitching a little as Twilight had yet to get used to her new appendages. Twilight looked up, her eyes meeting Rainbow’s for a few seconds before Rainbow blushed and hurriedly looked back down to her book.

The two mares continued to read for a bit, but Rainbow was distracted the whole time by the alicorn at her side. She tried to tell herself that it was just a coincidence, but the more she read, the more similarities she found. She couldn't deny it anymore – Rainbow Dash had a crush on Twilight. Rainbow’s brain was like a war-zone.

‘But…I can’t have a crush on her! She’s Twilight, and, I’m me!’

‘So? Ya know opposites attract?’

‘But-‘

‘You can’t help this Dash. Besides, imagine just think of how awesome it would be for Twilight to be you marefriend!’

‘I guess it would be pretty cool…but…it wouldn't work out…’

“What wouldn't work out?”

Rainbow’s head shot up and her eyes widened, blushing as she realized she had said that last part out loud. “N-nothing! Just never mind…”
“Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything, right Rainbow?” Twilight said, seeming concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I should be getting home, it’s nearly Tank’s feeding time,” Rainbow said, packing her saddlebags, adding in the new book. “Thanks for the book Twi!” she said as she flew out, leaving a rainbow trail behind her.

“It wouldn't work out…”

Comments

[Timaeus]

Okay, so, considering you look like you're genuinely trying to improve upon your writing and learn exactly how to write a good story, I'm going to read through this l'il fic and I'm going to be brutally honest with out. This is probably going to sting more than a little, but there is a lot of room for improvement here, and I see you asking for criticism in the comments.

First off, spellcheckers, editing, and proofreading your chapters of anything you write are all things you (and others if you can find help) should be doing ardently. Given how short these chapters are (I'll be getting back to that later), proofreading/editing really shouldn't take any time at all. The author's note you plunked down at the start of the story, for example, has the incorrect spelling of "consciousness." We also don't need that "guide" of yours there. Generally speaking, readers can figure out for themselves when a character is talking, thinking, or debating with themselves. You can also see really easy to catch grammatical errors throughout the prose. From the first chapter:

“OK then, let’s try this out,” Rainbow said, opening the cover as she beginning reading.

This should probably read "Okay, then, let's try this out," Rainbow said, opening the cover as she began reading.

Second thing is your "rationale" for why Dash seems to like Twilight, as per her inner debate from chapter one, which you succinctly summed up as "opposites attract." If you want to be taken seriously and want to write a serious romance, then you're going to have to give your readers a heck of a lot more than that. "Opposites attract" is a cop out and doesn't give me as a reader any reason to care about the romance or any reason to think that any invested thinking went into how and why these two characters should fall in love besides "they're opposites, so naturally they should attract!" (which is faulty logic anyways). Give us some substance here, Mr. Writer-Person. Give us a reason to care and get invested in the romance between Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. Even if this is meant to be a short story, there are plenty of short stories in the TwiDash group that do a great job of making readers care. If you'd like a list, I'd be happy to provide.

Third up is the conflict, which is arguably the most overused, tired, and boring conflicts that has been used for romance fanfiction in MLP. To put it in Rainbow's thoughts, this:

Rainbow sighed. ‘Maybe I should tell her…no, I don’t want to mess up our friendship. I’ll just have to get over it. Tomorrow, I’ll ask Twilight if she has any books on this situation.’

Stories about one of the two in the pair being "afraid to mess up" their friendship are a dime a dozen. I typically manage the incoming folder for the TwiDash group, and I've lost count of how many of the 764 stories in the group have used this as the defining conflict for their stories. Personally, it's a conflict I've grown to dislike considering how dull it is. If you insist on using it, however, then you'd have to come up with some way to spin it off in a different or at least in a less cliche, cookie-cutter manner, because right now there is absolutely nothing unique about what I'm reading. It's harsh, I know, but it's true. One other thing I wanted to point out about that passage I quoted up there is Rainbow's "solution." Books? Really? That doesn't sound like Rainbow Dash. Rainbow is a mare of action, who tends to act first and then think about it later. Reading a few romance books does not sound like something she would consider as her first course of action.

The last thing I'll talk about is the length of the chapters. While there's nothing wrong with shorter chapters, per se, there is a problem when none of the chapters are 1000 words long. Without even reading the chapters, this conveys to readers that there's going to be a huge lack of depth for whatever it is that they're about to read. The descriptive narrative throughout the story is lacking, if not missing altogether. Show us (don't tell!) what's happening in each scene of each chapter. Make us want to get engaged with the story, as overdone as it is, and try to give it some semblance of depth to make us readers want to continue to get engaged.

If you're serious about wanting to improve your writing, then I would recommend you take some of what I've said to heart and, more importantly, go read some of bookplayer's blogs on writing good stories. I would also recommend that you go out and go read, study, and even take notes on some of the better TwiDash fics. In a group with over 760 stories in it, there's a lot of not-so-good stuff, but there're also plenty of great stories that should be able to help teach you a thing or two.

I hope none of this was taken too offensively, as I did not intend it to be as such.

[FoxyAndPip]

5938919 I wouldn't mind a list of TwiDash short stories - I've been having trouble finding stuff to read lately