2 Hours in a Closet

by I_AM_OCTAVIA

Cheerilee's POV

I came back from school tired and ready to sleep. Being a teacher is hard work. I need to remember to take that auto lock off my closet tomorrow. For now, I just leave it open.
After I put my teaching supplies away, I'm ready to get cozy in bed and go to sleep. I do just that when I hear my front door burst open. The noise makes me jump out of bed, alarmed.
What now? I ask myself, opening my bedroom door. A light purple, almost pink unicorn with a purple and green mane was waiting for me. A name came to mind. Starlight Glimmer.
She was all anypony could talk about since what had happened. I guess somehow she found her way out of those caves. Most likely teleported herself out. I wonder why she was at my bedroom door right now.
Starlight jumped on top of me unexpectedly. She punched and hit, while I was underneath her, squirming and crying as I tried to get up. My screams for help were muffled by her destruction she was making to my house and her hits.
The next thing I know, we've moved into my closet. All I can think of is that I'm in trouble if no one comes to my rescue soon. When the room goes dark, I know that the door must have closed behind us, locking us in.
I finally find my chance to escape from Starlight's blows and kick her off of me while she's unsure of where I am because of the darkness. It's a small closet, so she bangs into a shelf, knocking off the contents, crying in pain.
"What do you think you're doing?!" I shout. "You just come into my house and try to wrestle me to death?! And also trap us both in a closet?! Are you crazy?!" I am so furious that I could try to kill her, as well. But I know that would be wrong and resist the urge.
Staright lit up the space with her magic. "No, I'm not crazy. I'm getting revenge. And you were the closest house I could find." she said simply, as if I already knew this and it was just a reminder. "I'm not trying to kill you, I'm trying to make you unconscious so I can steal all your special belongings." I roll my eyes.
"Pretty stupid of you to tell me this." I replied. "Why don't you just use your freaky magic?"
"Because Celestia used a spell so that I couldn't do any magic that falls under that category! You really don't know anything, do you? I'm surprised you're a teacher."
"So, you can't get us out of here?" I confirmed. She nodded. Now I wish I took off that auto lock this morning. I'm stuck in a closet with a villain. How could things get any worse?
"We don't have any chance of getting out of here, do we?"
"Not if I can help it." I say, determined. "Heeeeelp! I'm stuck in my closet with Starlight Glimmer! She's trying to kill-" She quickly put her hoof over my mouth.
"Shush! I am not trying to kill you!" Starlight yelled at my face. "Oh, and that reminds me. I was trying to rob you." She gets ready for another punch in the face but I stop her by punching her first, and her light flickers. I feel really bad about how I'm acting, but it's to protect myself, so the thought passes.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Glimmer." I say, grinning. "Not on my watch, you don't." She growls and shoves me to the ground.
"Hey, if I can't punch you, you can't punch me." She towered over me. "If either of us are going to survive in here, both of us have to hold in our anger."
"Exactly what I'm trying to say." I sigh. "Is there anything to do in here?" I would take a nap, but I don't want to risk her finding a way out and going along with her original plans.
"A game? The spell doesn't prevent me from giving us something to do." Starlight offers. I'm a little shocked by how friendly she's being, when two minutes ago she wanted to knock me unconscious. I still don't trust her completely, though.
"I guess maybe we could play a board game..." I say.
"Great!" A game I'd never heard of appeared in front of us. Kill the other player to win! is what the box said. She smiled. I scowled at her.
"Ha, ha. Very funny." I reply sarcastically, not really laughing. "No game if this is all you have."
"You're no fun." she frowned. The box disappeared and Chutes and Ladders took it's place.
"Better." I say, satisfied. She opens the box and sets up the game, and we both choose a player. I'm going to blow my fuse if she cheats.
Starlight wins for the 5th time, and I'm positive that she's cheating. I decide that that's enough of this game.
"Hey, never caught your name." She said.
"Cheerilee." I tell her.
"Cheerilee?!" Starlight laughed. "That-that's your name? Oh my gosh, just a second." She burst out laughing. I'd just about had enough of her jokes.
"Why you little..." I tackled her and slapped her in the face with the old stuffed toy I found on the floor. She did get me off and I calmed down, but still made sure to pull her hair real quick, just to make her mad.
"Ok, ok. Your name isn't that funny." I threw her a fast glance. "Fine. It's not funny at all. Happy?" She used her magic to poof the game away. "Want a snack?" An apple took it's place. I didn't want to take any chances. Anyway, why would a pony who originally aimed to steal everyone's cutie mark just want to rob her? This wasn't right...
"I'm going to take a nap. Don't do any funny business." I told her sternly. She nodded innocently and so I cautiously lie down and go to sleep.

Comments

[StormLuna]

I was hoping that Starlight would try to make Cheerilee her marefriend.

[I_AM_OCTAVIA]

5909738 Well, that isn't going to happen, sorry. I have a good idea of making the story longer, though.

[Lunar Park]

Your profile says that you’re fourteen years old, and it shows. First, there’s the wording - it’s bland. I’ll give you it seems like an interesting idea (and there’s a few jokes to be made about them being in-the-closet), but it’s poorly exicuted by being uninteresting. I want to say the characters are a bit OOC, but I haven’t seen either Rainbow Rocks or most of season four yet, due to it not being available in my language here, so I’m not in a position to say that about half your cast. I will say, however, it doesn’t feel like it would be a part of either of those cannons. Lastly, you don’t really explain why Cheerilee would be a target for revenge nor why said revenge would be theft. Remember: not everyone has access to the show legally in their language.

Grammar, how does it work? First, and the most jarring: you don’t bold the name of a title to indicate that it’s a title; you italicize or you underline, like I did above with the second movie’s name. Second, inconsistent verb-tenses. For example:
« I came back from school. Being a teacher is hard work ».
In this example, the first sentence is in the past-tense, but the second one is the present. If you made it say that she thought or actually said « being a teacher ... », that would be an acceptable shift; the problem is: there’s nothing to indicate that. Now, it would still be fine if that was the present and you stayed with that, but that didn’t happen either:
« ... almost purple unicorn was waiting for me » is past-tense, which breaks that grammatically. It’s also worth noting that most narration is done in the past-tense, although I’ve seen writers get-away with good present or future-tensed narration.

Overall, it’s a poor fanfic, I’d advise you to go read more, see what works with successful writers, of any kind, and try to replicate that. Remember « creativity, it’s basically stealing » (Thomas Ridgewell). Work on your grammar, then revise, and resubmit.