The year is 1938, and Private Investigator Octavia Melody is an excellent detective. Possibly the best in Equestria.
In accordance to her occupation, she was invited by Prince Blue Blood, an eccentric with a most definitely questionable sense of humour, to a dinner party of his organisation and to a personal exhibition. An exhibition of the perfect murder.
This exhibition is interrupted, however, when Prince Blue Blood is found dead whilst his dinner guests played bridge only a few yards away. Of the eight guests, four of them are well-established investigators, Octavia included. Now the investigators must determine which of the remaining four guests is a murderer. Can Octavia discover the murderer before they kill again?
Chapters (11)
Great first chapter, Matt. :)
Very good 2nd chapter.
5903714 Thank you Michael.
Answer: All four, no one liked that clown.
This is somewhat interesting, and I've already developed some theories for the murder.
I have, however, noticed several grammatical and spelling errors. First, it's "Lyra Heartstrings", as that's the name used by 99.9% of the fandom, not "Harpstrings".
Second, you use the nouns "man" and "woman" at least once each. Please note that it is standard convention to not use those in pony fanfics, even in alternate universes, and is pretty much canon that they use pony equivalents like mare, filly, stallion, everypony, etc.
Third, some other minor errors that I spotted, but can probably be fixed easily, such as some slight dialogue tag issues, but they are very minor. No need to rush.
Still, this is getting interesting.
I know it's 1938, but come on, bridge? You'd have to be Louis Sachar to pull off an exciting bridge game. This chapter felt bogged down by the actual game, but I guess it can't be helped.
Anyways, since this is a mystery, there are many possible answers to this murder. Considering there are eight characters, plus Blue Blood, I think it was... Octavia Melody or Fancy Pants. Or Blue Blood being a total troll. There are 4 "suspects" and 4 "detectives". Seems a bt much. After all, what better way to not be caught then to take part in the investigation? The 4 detectives are potential suspects as well. Or Blue Blood is that really weird eccentric billionaire that wants some laughs.
As for your explanation for the use of "man": dude, this is fanfiction. We spend all of our time looking for plot holes in fanfics and the show, your long winded non-explanation is actually irritating me. Frankly, substituting "man" with "stallion" or "chap" could probably work. And you saying that thinking too hard about will rip apart reality?
No. Thinking is for everyone, not just "professionals". If that were the case, there would be no private detectives.
Lastly, your description is a bit too much. You are three chapters into a story that can't be more than 10 chapters long, and there are still several plot elements explained in your description that hasn't occurred yet. The part that says:
Is completely unneeded. This summarizes too much of the actual story, so it begs me to ask: If you are going to summarize the first 4 or 5 chapters, why should I read them?
The description should interest the potential reader, drawing them in and making them want t read your story. It should tell enough for the reader to know what they're in for, but not give away so much that it ruins entire parts of the story. I know that they interview the guests, but fail. Then Octavia solves the murder. You've basically gave away everything except the identity of the murderer, so I feel like I could wait until the end and just read the last chapter to get new information.
But I won't . This is interesting enough for me to want more. But still, I recommend fixing your description and removing that annoying author's note. Seriously, it is pretentious.
Her not him in your introduction.
5907992 In all honesty Inthretis, I was too in awe of your perfect criticism to pay much attention to it (that was a lie, I payed very close attention).
Also, If you wish to give constructive criticism, try not to be too brutal.
And keep in mind, this is the first FIMFiction I have ever written.
Furthermore, thank you for pointing out the areas for potential insults in the future, such as the use of man.
In reference to this topic, it is simply in my humour (English) and my nature to rant on about these things (Aspergers). As it is your nature to take far to many things in a literal sense, being American. Not that this is a problem. This is simply your culture.
And I think you are absolutely right about the description. But please understand, it was 3:45 am at the time of its composure.
But still, thank you for the constructive criticism. I shall rectify theses things at once.
5907538 Is that so?
5907992 Sorry, but I must stress this further; stop taking ridiculous statements I make in a literal and serious sense.
5908398 I say. Thank you for pointing that out.
5907929 I don't mean to criticise your criticism, but in 1938 people were often referred to by their last names.
This was the norm of speaking.
5907992 The rant about time and space was meant as a joke. You know, those things where people (who are English and actually understand this humour) with a sense of humour have a laugh.
5908403
Indeed! If anyone's going to kill Blueblood, I imagine there'd be a waiting list! You'd have to invite some friends and random strangers or else people would be enraged they missed their only shot to kick the corpse. Could declare it a national holiday, even.
5908499 Yes, do a bit of a Caesar assassination.
5908526
"Et tu, Octavia? And Fancy, and Fleur, and Auntie Celestia and Rarity and Auntie Luna and Twilight and Donut Joe and Rarity with a disguise and Cousin Cadence and Rarity with a different disguise..."
5907929 First, who cares. It is set in 1938. It was customary to call others Miss Surname.
Second, I'll fix that.
And third, fair enough.
5908533
Even bring the foals to kick his corpse. that way they can tell their own foals and grandfoals they got to kick the body of the biggest douche in Equestria when they were their age
5908845
"Get a picture, this one's going in the family album!"
[Memories: The family - Little Sugar Poof and Cheesy Poof kicking in the teeth of Prince Blueblood's corpse]
Caption: Mama Poof was so proud!
5908533 Yes! I am impressed Dimmet.
This chapter is blank.
this is great cannot wait for more.
also yay blueblood is dead!
Three possibilities:
1.All 4 did it.
2.He killed himself in such a way in order to insure his place in crime history asa victim of the perfect murderer.
3.He faked his death as a practical joke/physcological excerise on the Police and Octivia to see how well they'd do.
5913993 Thanks.
5914652
1. Maybe
2. Maybe
3. Maybe
Also, sorry guys, but I may have to put this on hold for a very short while as I (sadly) have other priorities for the moment.
How do you shake hands with hooves?
Ooh, Lyra's being sneaky.
She's probably a thief. Or part of a Pygmalion-style bet. Or too lazy to get a new card. Or tried to woo Blue Blood for money.
Weird typo. There's also some formatting issues, with some paragraphs starting after a space, and others not.
5922407
Hm. Yes odd typo, I will attend to that now.
In terms of the paragraphs, it is all to do with the the context of the conversation, it is to add a certain feel that the reader is not aware of fully. It is not a mistake, but a literate way of conveying a subtle message to the audience, whoever they may be.
5922428
I rectified the typo.
5922359
Ah.
Hm. How does one shake hands with hooves? I'll fix that.
Than you ever so much for reading the third instalment of The Murder Of Price Blue Blood!
Feel free to inform me of any grammatical and/or any other literary mistakes that you came across.
Keep an eye open for the next instalment!
Thank you again.
MJ
5923051
Blast! Than you for pointing that out.
Doctor Roberts was the name that I originally came up with.
See, when I was first conceiving the idea for this story, I wrote down made up character names, because this was not originally going to be a FIM Fiction. Throughout the story, I have used some experts from my original ideas, and I sometimes forget to change them to the pony names, I come across it so much when doing my final proof-read.
I will most certainly fix that.
Thanks Asmartin.
5931982
Thank you for informing me of this.
I shall send you a private message with a sufficient explanation shortly.
Tell me, is this error still their? If so, in which chapter is it located?
Congratulations, you have garnered a full editorial run-through, effective as soon as I am both awake, and on a free day.
5938163
Well, that is extremely kind of you.
But, if I am to receive one, may it please be only via a PM?
And I haven't garnered it yet, however. Not that I doubt that you lack acumen accoutrements.
I have no intention of encumbering you with lectures.
I think it's Sapphire Shores. Out of the four, she is the least suspicious, meaning that in mystery terms, is more likely to be hiding a secret. The other three characters are probably red herrings. The angry Shining Armor is too angry to murder in front of three other ponies without getting caught. Doctor Hooves probably wouldn't be a stabby dude, and Lyra is clearly just a thief/gold digger/pygmalion bet.
Unless this turns into a murder with more than one murderer, then all bets are off. After all, who ever said it was a lone murderer?
5945576
*Author taps side of nose and smiles slyly*
i think blue blood killed himself...
If this is basically Britain, wouldn't it be Trotland Yard?
Also, you do switch between "-body" and "-pony" pronouns several times.
And that bit with Cherry and accuracy makes me feel ironic.
5969395
That...is...a very clever observation. How did I miss that one? Thank you Inthretis. I shall fix that.
In reference to the bodies and ponies, ponies have bodies. So it makes perfect sense either way.
And I'm glad you liked the bit with Mrs. Cherry.
5969395
Wait a bloomin' minute! Did you mean switching between "body" and "pony" pronouns, as in everybody and everpony? If so, I'm terribly sorry for my utter and inexcusable dimness. That really was rather moronic of me.
5978687
Yep.
This story is fairly brilliant. Your punctuation could use a bit of cleaning up, but apart from that, good job.
5980317
Thank you very much. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound impertinent, but I fail to see any outstanding punctuation issues.
5980320 One of your most consistent issues can be seen in this paragraph:
This should be one sentence. Use a comma instead of a full stop, and then a lowercase "he".
Another I've spotted in a few places can be seen here:
There should be a comma before the vocative "Octavia".
5980355
Oh. Thank you for pointing that out. Still, two things? Are we being a bit too pedantic, VitalSpark?
5980355
Either way, I'm glad that you pointed that out to me. I have rectified it.
5980362 I grant you that they're minor infractions, but they're two things that you repeat over and over. And to someone like me, they're distracting.
Overall your writing is lovely though. I was rather a precocious reader as a child, and worked my way through most of Agatha Christie's books during primary school. (I also read Conan Doyle, though I always preferred Christie.) I think you capture the style of her mysteries rather well, though in some ways your writing perhaps reminds me more of Raymond Chandler, though it might just be Octavia's Maslowesque hat in the cover image that puts me in that frame of mind.