Seems like an interesting concept. *adds to "To Read" list*

This seems promising. I'm interested to see how it goes.

I found this mildly entertaining. I can't wait to see where you are going with this! ( Although I do have some idea)

Yes... this is good!

i like the concept...

And it stopped.... grrrrr Right when it was getting to the good part.

...

...

...

Damn cliffhangers.

And i am hooked. Wonderful so far my good sir or madam. Only thing that threw me off was how she was introduced, probably could have been reduced to "favored student of Princess Celestia, a savor of Princess Luna and embodiment of the element of Magic." Just something that flowed a bit more and was a little less... wordy. That however is incredibly minor so here have a Derpy for your good work

Alright, you have my attention.

Show me what you've got. Go on. Impress me.

An interesting start, with good description and characterization, but I wish to see more before I truly render my judgement...

i want to read more, so please update soon. i really don't like being left behind on stories and it happens so often.

>>591729591729 Don't worry, you won't be waiting long

>>591739591739 yay! i love stories like this!

Alicorn Twilight is best Twilight. I wonder how Equestria will fair under Twilight's rule though.

Woo! New chapter already! Like the scedeual or how ever the you spell it.

w00t!! i'm still iffy about her being the daughter of two women ,even if by magic, but i like this story too much so i ain't complainin'   continue,please?

>>592111592111 schedule*

I like the plot, but there's quite a few grammatical errors etc...

Don't mind it, though! As long as the story is good!

My jaw dropped.

>>592217592217 Thanks for letting me know, I'll fix those right up

good story ( just my preference but i think you should have it where twilight goes through knowing she will out live the elements and everyone else except spike maybe and all the sad but good stuff) granted it was pretty predictable what was going to happen as soon as linage was brought up granted who cares its a good story

MORE!

"The room you are standing is the hall of rulers past. Very few are aloud here, Twilight Sparkle." Luna spoke as they reached the end of the hall.

I think this should probably be "allowed"

>>592497592497 lol yeah I'm not sure how i made that mistake, ill fix that right up!

"Could you give a dragon a brake for once?"

"... a brake for once?"

brake...

Image: http://prollyisnotprobably.com/old/assets_c/2011/12/Brake-01-thumb-500x332-28077.jpg

Here you go!  

>>592705592705 wow apparently I suck at spelling lol thanks for showing me that

More. Now. Pleasele? Have a favorite and a thumb.

We  love to support your gas.

Good chapter.

Now that is a painful transformation. Please keep up with this, the plot seems to just be starting.

As much as I like the idea, I always remember how similar Twilight is to her mom.  Did Celestia model Twilight after Star Sparkle or something?

Alright, the only problems this story has is a few spelling errors and being overly descriptive. Remember, 3000 words may look nice, but a 1500 word story with no filler is usually better. That said... Please, carry on.

five words first story likew this read

when i read the description i thought it was definitely gonna turn into a alicorn-twi/twilestia fic, as it turns out; that is incredibly improbable (the latter of the two that is)... so now im mostly wondering what you're gonna do with that romance tag...

still, even if it's not exactly what i was expecting, it will be interesting to see where you go with this story as a whole

Well, aside from the grammatical errors and repeated words (OCD Pony here, sorry, I just notice that to easily) The story is great.  You got me hooked.  As well as the grammatical errors I did see a few things that other authors have pointed out to me, such as

"It was a long hall, the floor was covered in a long red rug." where you repeated long twice in the same sentence.  It's just a tad redundant.  Try using another word to replace the first or second long.

Such as

"It was a grand hall, and the floor was covered in a long red rug"

Also, there is the Your and You're issue, as well as There, Their, and They're

Your- Belongs to

You're- You are

There- Location (It's over there)

Their- It belongs to them (Their cutie marks)

They're- They are (They're everywhere)

Anypony else, please correct me if I'm wrong on something.  

Great story, anyhow!  Keep it up!

>>593287593287 I'm still working on the romance part of the story, but you'll get it eventually, don't worry.

>>593472593472 Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely make those changes and do that in future chapters

Very much yes!!!!

Okay so I went through both of the chapters, and I corrected all the stupid little typos and bad grammar that I somehow made when I wrote this, I promise it is of much higher quality now. Thank you all for letting me know that, and I promise future chapters to come will not have so many typos and bad grammar as these two chapters had. Stay posted, as Chapter 3 will be up soon.

"Deep in concentration", not "deep in consecration."

Interesting idea, though it's been done before. I look forward to your twist on it.

>>592336592336

I like this so far. Very good descriptions in the castle. I also liked the transformation scene.

Here is one more edit.

She continued to sob as she was gently lowered the floor and came to rest on her side.

Well, I love it so far, and I think I see where the main conflict could be headed. Hope I'm right, and hope you post more soon.

Good story so far. Awesome idea about the guard. I say do it.

Nice fic. I like where this is going. A lot of people believe those 'Alicorn!Twilight' fics sucks, but everytime I read one, I enjoy it... I don't know why they think that way..

Keep going, it's nice, though a bit developing too fast for me.

TRIXIE..... also don't give guard a part in story i think we need to focus on PRINCESS twilight sparkle

I don't like the way you called Twilight's parents her "former parents". That's kind of insulting to people who've raised adoptive children. Just because a person's adopted and discovers their biological progenitors does not automatically rescind the right and position of the people that have raised them to be their mother and father.

When I saw that chapter title my first thought was "Oh buck, not ANOTHER good fic gone", then I read the chapter.

>>596117596117 Okay I understand what you're saying, and you are right of course, I promise I was not intending to offend anyone with that. Thanks for your concern, i'll change that.

Couldn't really concentrate because of the grammatical errors and faults in the storytelling... you should look up and study a couple of guides. Also, sorry about this, I'm just really obsessive when it comes to these things.

Nice Story so far, will definately keep track of it.

Though, i'm not so keen on OC's being shipped with the mane 6, and RD has been shipped with literally everything that moves and sometimes with things that doesn't move. So, I would give the guard a no-go for fear of it becoming cliché. But hey, just a suggestion, looking forward to the rest of the story

>>596253596253 lol you're right i should, this is literally the first fictional story I have ever written for fun on any subject, so thats why Its not a grammatical masterpiece since I am not the best writer. I will read over it again and try to correct those, thanks for letting me know I am quite pleasantly surprised with the huge amount of publicity this fic has still received regardless of grammar issues on this site in just a day, thank you all.

you are behind the weels(for now). I think Rainbow Dash was a bit fast in the learnig progress. It took me a three weeks in the flight simulator to have a good landing with out any help from the autopilot.

>>596379596379 Who said the learning process was over? There is still much more for Twilight to learn than just simple hovering

Good story but it seems to be moving kind of fast. And personally I say no to the guard but that's mainly because I'm not a big fan of OC's in general and especially when shipped with a main character.

mh... beside the concept and plot of your story, there is missing something. and i really mean something, because i can't place my hand on it. par of it, that your are moving to fast, but there is more i can't really describe. but when i compare your work with "Duties" or "The Immortal Game" oder even "Past Sins", i feels... one could say raw, but that isn't it either. maybe read the storys i listed and you understand what i'm trying to say.

Better! Chapter one had me shaking my head a few times over moments of "overly descriptive sentences". Ex. "Twilight nodded her purple horned head." We know she's purple, and we know she has a horn, so that's not necessary. ANYHUE, like I said you did much better in these past two chapters on that (that I noticed, anyway).

Carry on...

Okay i believe the general consensus to be not to make the OC character, and that I seem to be be moving too fast. The next chapter will be slower and more drawn out for all of you, I have to agree, it did all happen kind of sudden...

ooohhhh looks good so far.

>>596452596452 yeay. said you who not have land a boijeng 747-400 perfectly

I love it, I think it's great.

No offence, but i kinda thought you were going twidash cos well, wouldn't it be better to have the wonderbolts(professionals) instead of dash do the teaching? Regardless, i think i'll stick to this fic

Trixie, you naughty naughty pony. Providing it was Trixie xD I think it'd be interesting if the guard became Celestia's husband or something after she became mortal. Not with Twi though.

Amazing story!

I just read this story and I absolutely love it!

I dont think it matters much at all on what your going to do with RD. I think poth options may be fun.

keep up the awesome work and I hope it will get updated soon.

well all i can say is MOAR MOAR  i need you to writ MOAR

TRIXIE!!

>>592214592214

Actually, we're on the cusp of being able to do that in real life.

>>596326596326

Wow this is good even if it wasn't a first. I wish my first was getting half this much attention.

Romance is ok as long as it isn't a clopfic.

>>599194599194 Of course, I'm not a big fan of clopfics

Dat plot twist at the end! Nicely done! Continue the great work!

Woah!

It..Is...Amazing!!!

Amazing story! Can't wait for more!

I noticed a few typos here and there throughout the chapter... might wanna get a proofreader to look your work over before submitting it.

MOAR MOAR

finaly something I can trust. It will take some years to learn to fly problaly. I know it, the pegasus know it.

I really love this story! keep up the awesome work!

Oh ho ho....so the Changelings can recall the previous monarchies can they? Well..that certainly adds a twist on the situation...

This is great! The characterization is very good. I'm not a grammatical genius, but I would do a proofread if you wan't in future chapters.

This sentence for example is kind of long.

Trixie, seeking revenge on Twilight after she ruined life and fled into the Everfree Forest, had run into Queen Chrysalis herself, and the two had formed a working relationship to help bring an end to the Alicorn race, and take over Equestria for themselves.

I thought I was going to suffocate.

It could be more like...

Trixie had been seeking revenge on Twilight after ruining her life. Fleeing into the Everfree Forest, she had a run in with Queen Chrysalis and soon the two had formed a working relationship to bring an end to the Alicorn race. Soon, they would take over Equestria for themselves.

great chapter, keep it up.

>>600360600360 That is much better, thanks for the suggestion, I'll put that in right now. Thanks!

>>599644599644 I would, but this is my very first fic, and I wouldn't know how to go about doing that... Any advice would be helpful.

Would anyone like to be my proof reader? I'm not really what the standard procedure is, but if anyone is interested let me know, I would love for these chapters to grammatically perfect right off the bat...

>>601246601246 Well I don't think that I could do that, but http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/25435 this should help you

ohhhhhh.....nice twist. thank you and i hope you make the next chapter just as great

I KNEW IT TRIXIE WAS IN It!!!

This went through my mind at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiloZd1H4ow&feature=related

"They had very content faces plastered on their faces."

Might wanna change the first 'faces' to 'smiles'.

Ah yes those pesky little sections that refuse to work with other chapters. I agree though this needed it's own chapter.

Twilight's looked over to her right, where there stood her five best friends and spike:

twilight: WELL FUCK YOU SPIKE YOUR NOT A CLOSE FRIEND IM JUST STUCK TREATING YOU LIKE MY BROTHER

MORE

if you please

>>602220602220

Hahahahha. That is all.

Amazing! Best story I've read! I'm just waiting for To come in and ruin it all!

too short, but eh! I love it anyway

keep up the good work and I'd love to see the next chapter up really soon.

Nice job man! a little short, i have to admit, but this is probably better as its own chapter. Please update soon for me, okay?

This is good, but the sonic rainboom was a little much, even as a dream. Though it does represent her desire to fly amazingly... is this going to all TwiDash?

>>603104603104 I'm still not sure yet, you'll just have to wait and see

I really hope this turns out to be Twidash, cause then this fic has 2 of my 3 favorite MLP Fic tropes (the other being twilight-spike mother-son relationship), also just in general a good story so far

Keep going! I'm stuck in this story until you let me out!

>>runewaker

w00t Twidash FTW!

Will i normally all for canonxoc i don't care for it MLP:FM so...maybe if you don't mind that is...will if it be ....Discord? it um up to you so um yeaa

I hope this turns into TwiDash, that would just be awesome dude