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A human with a special ability comes to Equestria and befriends Luna.
While they have an adventure their friendship gets tested but something new emerges.
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Thanks for all the good feedback for changes that got this story from 15pos/13neg to 130/23.
There is now a sequel to this story Know your enemy
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Interesting i look forward to more
Hm, not bad, especially for a first attempt, keep up the work I'll be watching for more.
6763375 thank you Fox for this very detailed comment, I See all your points. I think my "let him appear to die at the end of the first few chapters" went out of hand. I am not a great writer, my talent is more in papercrafts where I build for example a life sized Luna. This story was something I had to get to paper just to try. If it is not good, I can live with that, I go back to my other projects and use my free time for these and for reading great fanfiction instead of writing mediocre fiction.
Again, thanks a lot.
Update: It seems there are quite some people who like the story and put it in their folders and want more.
So I think I will edit some parts and write a bit more. The "everyone is afraid of him" part is stupid, you are right about that and it is easy enough to fix, I will mix it up a little, but will not get rid of it completly, because it was for having some common ground with Luna. The accidentally stabbing will be kept in it, but I will try to give it more reason in the third chapter instead of explaining it in chapter five.
The updated story is now live, if you read before 12-26-15 you should at least read chapter 3 again, it is very short anyway.
Nice story so far, looking forward to more.
I like the new title much better then the old one.
6763375 would you mind editing your first sentense so that it is no spoiler?
I give you three days.
6810715 thanks a lot, I will change it right now.
I started with 15 / 13 positive / negative,
now it's 27 / 13 , that is a nice trend :-)
But it was my fault, I published it to early, when it was not really ready for showing.
Again, thanks for all the great feedback to improve my story.
I will try to write a new chapter once a week.
Not more then two weeks between them for sure.
Well, it is two weeks now, but I am very sick in the moment and can´t concentrate enough to write.
I will make a new chapter as soon I can think again.
Shouldn't this story have an OC tag, for the human?
6950994 I wasn´t sure about that, I always saw the OC Tag for self created ponys, since he is human and stays human do you think I should use it?
I know it stands for original character, so by definition it would apply. Of course we already have the "human" tag.
I love the way you deal with Lunas past
6952182 Thank you so much, I´m glad you like it.
6952159 In the end, it's up to you, but if I were you I'd add an OC tag.
7048767 done, thanks for the feedback
Ok, interesting
Not houses," horses "
Besides that everything looks fine. Your quotes are alright as well because I know who is talking.
This chapter I did not critically analyze but I understand it and its readable. Good job
This line should have something on the end that tells the reader who is talking. Plus can you please re-write the second sentence, it doesn't make sense. Here is my edit: "We brought in a mattress, a pillow, and a blanket. Afterwards, we carefully helped him onto the mattress." To be safe consider re-writing this quote..
Same problem here this quote doesn't have anything on the end that tells the reader who is talking.
Just remember one rule, always identify the character that's talking at the end of the quote, to the reader
I hope you're aware of these issues so that you can correct them; there are similar issues throughout this chapter. I would usually show them all to you, but I don't have a lot of time on my hands, sorry
.
Besides that good story, I love it so far
7130304
Wow, I never noticed I will change it right now.
... But talking houses in armor are pretty cool too.
7130364 Thanks for taking the time for all this feedback.
I try to not use ...she said , Luna said, she wispered.... to much when there are only two beings in the room like in the
there is only Luna and Alex here and I thought the beginning "So you´re in this world for just a few hours" would be a giveaway who of them is speaking here.
And I try to use new paragraphs if the speaker changes.
Really Luna...>.>
7208684 Well... there are reasons for that
3 more chapters until the story is complete...
I am in a writing frenzy and have them all planned.
What is 15pos/13neg and 32pos/13neg?
7213528 likes and dislikes.
I guess I have to add another tag to the story...
do I really have to? It is just in a tiny part of the story? Do I have to add the "gore" tag if there is any blood in it,
or if the central part of a story is about it?
No need for a gore tag. It would apply if you were to describe the entirety of the wound in itself.
There wasn't anything to graphic of him becoming shish kebab.
7217137 Yay!!! Joy!!!
SEQUEL!!!
7217214 I was hoping someone of you wanted to continue... Maybe if I have some of my other projects completed.
This has been a really enjoyable story to read.
sequel?
7217678 So ... That's a maybe?
7217746 yes, it is
7217756 Good enough.
7217894 I may have already an idea for the first three chapters of a sequel...
stupid brain can´t relax
7224684 *squees internally*
Awe Luna, don't be so mad, you look pretty good for someone pushing over 1,000.
7226058 Right. "You look like 999 years top" *duck*
Very good flow. I really liked this book
7306707 Thanks a lot for these nice words
I have a feeling that deep down Nightmare Moon enjoyed that kiss.
... I hope.
Give her time, she'll come around.
I was hoping Nightmare Moon would come through, but nnnnooooo~. Why couldn't she she just give up on evil deeds?!