- Member Since 23rd Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Nov 24th, 2015
BigBadWolf
They say a picture can paint a thousand words. But I believe that a good story could paint a million pictures.
BigBadWolf
Joined 23rd Jan, 2015 ·
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A bit too edgy and a bit too short. Events are abrupt and there's no hiding that this chapter is a quick and messy infodump. Your writing is fine and you seem to have a good grasp of what words are, so you should do fine. All I can suggest is iron out a good plot and pray to the deer gods that you catch on. Give us a little bit more to work with, so to speak.
Good luck.
5833194 Fair enough. I'm not an experienced writer, so i can't pretend to know how to write a good story that everyone can enjoy, but every story has is it's flaws. As for the infodump bit, that was kind of intentional. While it may not be the be the most graceful way to provide exposition, it get's the job done well enough for what I need it to do. Thanks for the feedback
Infodump chapters are well and good especially if you need to set your world to make future events understandable. However... there are much better ways to deliver such an infodump chapter. The usual rule of "show, don't tell" is vital to not letting those infodumps feel as such. This story/chapter main problem is deeply connected to that issue: as 5833194 said, everything is too short and events are too abrupt. Important/interesting events (like Fireflight going to the surface for the very first time, being there for quite some time and even having a few fights) are just skimmed over like it weren't a big deal. But it should be a big deal, that's what the story is about: your character and how he reacts to things.
In general: show, don't tell, even if it is an infodump chapter.
And now for the story itself:
- the chapter's naming: chose one - either prologue or foreword, don't do /-titles, it looks stupid/unprofessional. In your case I'd choose foreword, since you have your character speaking to the audience from outside the story. That barely meets the definition of foreword, but it's more fitting than prologue or chapter. Given you change your style of narration.
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This is the kind of meta-joke that isn't well received by the audience. Don't do those.
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Those are things people actually want to read about. Elaborate those, don't just throw it in the room like this.
- again - as 5833194 said: too edgy. Fireflight is barely a teen in human terms and he's a master at everything, is hyper-intelligent, has five times better eyesight than a regular pony (I pretty sure that's not even possible), the list goes on like this. Too edgy, tone it down a lot.
- That combined with your character's fuck-you-that's-why wayward attitude make him very unlikeable.
- He's a "ninja" and a professional assassin since he was a child, how are enclave "goons " able to defeat him and brand him a dashite? How comes he still has an enclave key-card although he has quit the Enclave? Why is he sneaking into enclave facilities to play poker? And with what buddies? You said he quit because it was stupid. And how did he get away with murdering a politician? And how is he ever hired again if an employer can't be sure to be the next in line? That's not how assassins work.
Don't take this as a hate-comment. I didn't downvote the story because I never downvote anything, but I just can't give it an upvote too. Too much telling instead of showing for me to get emotionally involved with the characters. I don't even know what kind of person your MC is and that's a bad thing.
5836188 Well...that's a lot to take in. I understand what you say, and I'll do my best to take your words to heart and use them to help better my story. I agree: there were a lot of things of things that I did wrong, and things that I shouldn't have done. I honestly threw this story together in one day, with not much thought to how they would play out. I'm going to revise it, edit it, and then let me know if it looks better or worse, and I'll keep going from there.
Now it's better. Still quite edgy with the bow and stuff, but more... Realistic, in lack of a better word.
Have a like.
5849048 thanks!
And the bow has a backstory, but I'm not going to go over it. I more just added it because I thought it would suit Fireflight better and because it was a kind of unique weapon that you wouldn't normally see in the Wasteland. So, yeah.