Lovely. I'm surprised that I'm the first to comment on this nicely written piece. You know how to set a tone, and your prose strikes a perfect balance between flowery and functional. I have a very clear vision the characters' actions as you narrate them, and some of your word choices (can't remember the last time I saw "cavort" used so well) are impeccable.

In short, Bravo!

Oh, and btw...I'm looking forward to possibly finding out about Luna's old flame. The scene between her and Celestia was very touching.

>>583649583649

I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Honestly, it's only been up for today, but I'm quite glad you gave some feedback! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, letting me know how I'm doing, and the appreciation! It's those little things that make me want to write more!

>>583658583658

As for Luna's lost love, there is a long tale concerning him, and I'm not sure when I'll get to writing it. Hopefully it will be in this book, but it may have to wait until the next one.

Hmmm....Sadly, the title doesn't end with "Unending", cuz Skyrim FTW!!!!

Hello! I got your PM and finally I had some time to sit and read something for once.

First impression: Well structured and nicely introduced. There's no confusing or awkward first chapter feel to it, the original characters are fleshed out and the canon characters are represented very well. I liked your descriptions of the settings, they were a tad short but they were also familiar locations so it makes sense not to spend too much time on describing them.

I have a few suggestions. Two of them are purely aesthetic. It is a lot easier to read a text that has an extra return between paragraphs. Your paragraphs were broken up very nicely and its a shame that such good organization goes to waste because of the lack of a return. I spotted one instance of a misplaced return, but I lost where that was. My other suggestion is that you put other text from letters and books and such in Italics as well. It's pretty minor and you don't absolutely have to do it, but it helps give a visual cue that this text is special.

I spotted only a few minor spelling errors, like you said 'an' when you clearly meant 'in' a couple times, little things.

But overall, I think you have a pretty solid premise. The situation was explained sufficiently for me to understand the conflict and so I could understand the various opinions of the characters in regards to that conflict. This in turn makes the characters feel more natural and therefore easier to empathize with. The scene with Luna and Celestia was very well done. I've seen many renditions of the idea of one or both of the sisters having an old love and this one goes to join the one other rendition I actually liked. Luna is very much a tragic heroine. She has position and power but she has also been the subject and focus of many tragic events, Nightmare Moon being the most recent and perhaps largest in magnitude. That scene with them in the garden was rendered beautifully; it was simple, succinct and straight to the point and didn't fall into the many traps that a "lost love" scene inherently drags around with it.

Good work, I look forward to reading more.

>>723207723207

Thank you for the very positive review, sharing your opinions, and taking the time!

I do feel I've been a little impatient with this work, so I see where you're coming from in the description department. I'll note that for future chapters/works!

I'll test out how I like the extra space between paragraphs. If I'm happy with it, perhaps I'll go back and reformat it. As for titles, I'll try to keep that in mind. I get so lost in some details while trying to reformat others, since the site doesn't accept my submissions as I type them. It takes me a bit of work just to upload.

Gah! Spelling errors!?!? NOOOOOOO! I am vicious with myself about mistakes, so now I feel a deep obligation to hunt them down!

Heehee! For some reason this scene seems to draw a lot of attention. Perhaps it came across as a good 'lost love' piece because Everbold was not neccessarily a romantic interest in the first place. Glad it made a solid impact with you!

Magnificent. You should really advertise this story and try to get more reads.

Oh, I see this was the chapter I was meant to proofread. . . too bad, I really wanted to read the next chapter. Let me know when you are ready to post another chapter and I will make sure to proofread it on time.

>>725535725535

Heehee, I'm glad you like it! I'm still open to suggestions if it needs tweaked, or if I should toss something in!

I'll keep you posted on the next chapter!

>>723207723207

Nicely done my friend.

>>723773723773

Heh, "lost love" as I see it is a general term. "Lost lover" on the other hoof is very specific term, and the two could be worlds apart. There was indeed a vibe I picked up on that scene that Everbold was a dear pony to both of them, what he meant to them was sort of up in the air, but I chose to color it as a deeper form of affection from the context of the scene. I think it gets so much attention because it was written so well. It was tight and energetic without being mired in cliches. Your word choice enhanced the flow rather than merely pushing it along, and the dialogue was very much in character. It was a well executed scene that proved to be a very effective hook. Stuff like that doesn't fall out of the sky, if it did, it would break apart as soon as hit and nopony would ever see it. It takes a level of care to construct a good story, and whether or not you think so, I can tell you put effort into this. I just wish I had more time to read good stuff, and this is good stuff.

RD Was flirting. Twi is in love and confused. Rarity was being treated like a princess. AJ....I dont know... Pinkie Pie...I think she has met her match....

Image: https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTC97b63KGFd7og4OJP9r3LkCqYsbC8eaKf2QyubgdVfU20Xn8E

Woot!! My last Post was first!

Zephyr = Forgotten Changeling?

Image: https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTC97b63KGFd7og4OJP9r3LkCqYsbC8eaKf2QyubgdVfU20Xn8E

WOOT last post was 1st post!!

>>729648729648

Thank you for the thoughts! I guess I did use the wrong term!

>>729680729680

Loads of romantic randomness in chapter 3! Glad you enjoyed the antics!

Zephyr is a fairly interesting, if not a quiet character. More on her later!

You are posting before I have a chance to proofread

Also, try to give me the whole chapter all at once next time

It helps.

>>754942754942

Sorry. I was impatient with it.

is ther a sequal?

>>832830832830

There will be when I write it!

I like Boldheart , but some of the other members of the gaurd SUUCCKKK! haha and Pinkie Pie's canon was AWESOMENESS. And I like how Twilight has never been with a guy like that before, because it WOULD BE Twilight to never have even liked a guy before. ...

Ok............ so Twilight likes dis pony? Shes making a terrible impression ya know... as for RD, I luuuvv it! She got just the right pony to host. they are quite alike.

Pinkie Pie isnt faatttt!!!! She isnt! Nosireebob!

GASP! Kill Twilight Sparkle! Ok, I knew that one was coming, but still... I love it! Will her roomie Gaurd save her from a terrible fate?! I shall read on to find out! Love this story, BTW.

The Dream Takers?! What?????

And... Rainbow Dash! I hope she escapes! And... that guard with Twi... is he evil? Augh! I gotta keep reading. AMAZING!!!!!

BUCK YOU THUNDERCLOUD!!!! BUUCCCKKK YOOUUU!

ahem! I like the details and surprises in this story so far. Have you read Upheaval: Breaking Point, and Upheaval: Reckoning yet? This story reminds me of it. Keep up da good work. I'm serious when I say that this story is AWESOMESAUCE!

Eeyup!

>>833433833433

Wow, thank you very much for all of the comments, and for reading my story! I'm glad it's made such a good impression on you!

I have yet to read them, but if they're like my work, I'm sure to enjoy them!

Sequel?

Image: https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT4E-2ZgPnP5cannjL3YsYsz7r009g3ztJuXDapn3LjjlRSH11U

Also Shields of Harmony.... Your a few ponies short.

Spike,Boldheart,The assassin,and the ... Sargent?? 4 to protect 6?

Not good odds.

Still awesome story!

20 of 10 on the Awesome meter!

>>870384870384

Sequel!

The Shields may just have to step up recruitment in the next book! xD

Heehee, I noticed, but it was going to bog the story down to try and throw new characters in.

Glad you liked it!

Thank you very much! I'll get to writing the second tale soon!

>>871661871661

Sweet!

Can I help?

I got good Ideas....

>>875370875370

I already have the premise, it's just going to be a matter of actually writing it. At the moment, I am not only doing the PVS!, but a book set to the Battletech universe as well. It's more a matter of getting the time to actually write the thing than anything else.

>>876518876518

Fine I'll stay my depressed self

>>877927877927

Wait, what!? No, don't do that! It's not healthy!

I am not entirely sure what to tell you, since I don't really know what I would have you do for the story. If you have any ideas about it, I'll gladly listen though! Who knows, maybe there is something that I just haven't thought of yet!

>>878585878585 Do you have a Skype?

>>879283879283

I do. My account is ArdanBlade.

>>879291879291 "Commands the warriors" That you?

>>879307879307

The one and only!

>>879311879311 Sent

Why did i just read this now. AWESOME! I really hope you make that sequel after the PVS

Very compelling story. It's a shame it's taken me this long to finally get around to taking the plunge.

>>12161071216107

Thank you for coming by and reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Agh, cliffhanger! D:<

It's really coming down to the wire...have a watch! You've earned it for holding my attention unceasingly enough to read up to this point without the urge to stop.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story, and look forward to seeing what other great work you can churn out. :) I'm a really good proofreader and editor, if you ever need a backup pre-reader. Say, can I add you on Skype, too, so as to compare notes on writing?

>>12168091216809

Thanks for coming by, and all the feedback! I appreciate it, and will accept if you do want to get in touch via Skype. My username is ArdanBlade. Just as a warning though, I've been pretty busy lately, so I won't have much time until my schedule clears up a bit. I hope you continue to enjoy my works! (...and hope to start writing again! ^^; )