Somehow, Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth really managed to steal the show in terms of what I enjoyed writing. To heck with RainbowPie, Cloud Kicker/Blossomforth is my new OTP.

In fact, I will e-mail cupcakes to the first person who writes a good Cloud Kicker/Blossomforth story. Pinkie Promise.

WE DEMAND AN EPILOGUE!

But srs now, that was amazing.

Rainbow needs a buck to the head.

It would be very, very difficult to have a more anti-climactic ending. I think it's possible in theory, but... Given how great the lead-up was, I'm somewhat sad it had to end so abruptly. It was a good joke... For a scene transition. Not for ending the whole thing with.

That was -really- good. Except for the ending, I suppose. That was so abrupt... But everything else was really good

>>580626580626

Umm... It's not all that bad, really. This is probably one of the better-written fics. So many stories I've read were just unreadable, this one is actually good. Sure it has mistakes. Every story has mistakes. Maybe this one has more mistakes than you would like. But I didn't ever feel like stopping with reading it because of grammar. It wasn't 'obstructive to reading', if you know what I mean.

So I can see where you're coming from, but if grammar is not distracting from reading, then, to be honest, I don't care all that much. It's only when it becomes annoying, that I will stand up and say ''no''.

That was so beautiful, spike came to feature it.

/\

|

/\

Hah. that Dashie.

RAINBOW YOU DENSE IDIOT

I really enjoyed the story I was laughing a good portion of it. Now I'm horrible at looking for grammar mistakes, so I can't back you up/help you there but I have always let that slide a bit more when it comes to 1st person narratives. I mean, what person thinks in perfect grammar, minus Twilight probably. To have a story told from a person's mind is much harder to pull off well. I really have no doubt that's how Rainbow would react, and I love how you tied it to the CMC's mishap with the stealing a rainbow's glow.

This is probably THE BEST clueless Rainbow Dash fic i have ever seen! And I dont care what others might think, the abrupt ending just makes it. Seriously.

>>580652580652 yes, I agree with you. This fic WAS somewhat readable, unlike many other ones, whcih were simply devastating (I respect people's efforts, but really... If you're unsure about your own writing skills, then don't write!)

Recieving sceptical criticism from experienced writers/editors can, and will help authors improve their writing

>>580771580771

I'm working on a writing of my own; as well as proofreading other people's stories. I know how hard it can be to write an entire story while following all the grammatical rules, let alone find them all when proofreading

I burst out cackling maniaclly more times than I could count, and at least a few of those - particualrily Rarity's brief spotlight and one or two of the double entendres - turned it right up to a bout of rib crackling coughing.  Didn't notice a single grammatical error, but I never do - the old brain carefully filters them out first (can be a pain, as I'm a fellow writer).

The sudden turn for raciness was well managed and kept teasing and light hearted. For a potrayal of Rainbow Dash whose mind could be used to block gamma rays, everybody felt very much in character. Her idiot ball didn't seem forced - she just genuinely had this two and that two, and didn't think to put them together at all.

An immensly funny story with supring emotional range considering what it set out to do - Pinkie Pie felt very right and the situation reminded me explicityly of The Fool and Fitz' relationship for anyone who knows Robin Hobb (for those who don't, This is high praise). The ending felt the tiniest bit like it could've been more epiphanic... an epilogue would not be out of the question.

for Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth, and a for you in writing this.

>>580902580902 didn't notice a single grammatical error? Are you retarded? Lmfao...

"Celestia forbid there’s a single cloud out of place messing up somepony’s perfect romantic sunrise, sunset, moonlit night, or whatever."

“I like weird but fun.” Pinkie commented idly.

The entire time Pinkie's just going

Image: http://i.qkme.me/35kxyj.jpg

Oh my gosh this is exactly how I figure Rainbow's brain would work. All of her monologue was totally in character.

Rarity's and Applejack's date and Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth trying to play cupid really sealed the deal for me on this fiction. You've earned a favorite and a like from me.

A quick aside to Roker999... I can't tell if you're trolling or if I'm blind. If there are any grammatical errors - which I'm half sure there aren't - I'm honestly chalking them up to Rainbow Dash being the narrator. And as for spelling errors... honestly, I enjoyed the story too much and never noticed them.

>>580969580969

Personal attacks are not welcome here. Behave or get banned.

So, I know there have been some people asking for a bit of an epilogue/continuation. To be honest though, I'm not seeing what there is to add; the central issue of the story has been resolved. After missing some of the most obvious hints ever, Rainbow Dash finally gets it. At the time I was writing, that seemed like the best place to end it.

I figure the signs of jealousy Rainbow showed when she thought Pinkie liked someone else make what happens as far as her future with Pinkie obvious. If it's what people want though, I can add on a bit to show Rainbow and Pinkie making things official.

>>580771580771

If everpony was iffy on their writing skills nopony would ever write.......

This was an awesome story! I'm normally not much of a PinkieDash fan, but this was great! Everyone was in character and I loved Rainbow's cluelessness. I actually liked the ending, even if people think it was abrupt. It seems right to end it there, though I wouldn't be opposed to an epilogue if you chose to write one. And grammar errors? I honestly didn't notice any. I don't think they matter if I don't get snagged on them repeatedly (sadly some fics with otherwise interesting premises get ruined because of this) Overall, awesome job!

>>581892581892

There is never a good reason not to have PinkieDash makeouts.

Now this was a good PinkieDash story. It's got some great humor, character interaction and even a somewhat sad moment or two. Rainbow got a massive idiot ball, of course, but she remained in character all the way through, and to be honest I myself would probably be very reluctant to pick up on hints that my best friend was hitting on me as well, if only because it's something you don't really expect to happen.

One thing that did "annoy" me slightly was the large role you gave Derpy. To me, Derpy is just the most prominent of the background ponies, a tool through which the creators show their appreciation. Making her such an important person to Rainbow feels a bit strange. A lot of people really seem to like Derpy, though, so it may just be me.

This sentence stood out to me:

"I like Pinkie and all, sometimes I needed a break from her. She’s my best friend and all, but too much time around her will drive a pony crazy."

There's nothing wrong with it, per se, it's just that seeing that "and all" construction twice in a row is a bit jarring.

As for whether or not you should write a sequel.. Well, I certainly wouldn't mind it. A good PinkieDash story is always welcome and you've shown you're good at writing it. On the other hand, if a story it's finished, it's finished. No sense in writing another chapter if you don't feel there's any need for it.

RAINBOW DASH. I whole time I was going, RAINBOW DASH WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT THAT SHE LIKES YOU! DAUH!

Anyway nice fic I didn't see anything bad. Godspeed and goodluck.

oh My GOD!!! That was great!

Oblivious Dash is best Dash. The whole thing is solid, just great through out. Awesome ending, Also, gotta love the chapter title.

"Right. More than I wanted to know about Cloud Kicker’s love life. "

Dash is READING MY BRAIN.  

Ok, I want to make this pretty clear: I'm not into Pinkie/Dash shipping.  However, my brother recommended this story to me because I like Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth (I really hadn't thought of them as a pair until now, but I do find it an interesting possibility; personally I'm interested in finding out what happened at Cloudchaser and Flitter's double-date ).  

Overall, I thought the characterization was excellent and the story was entertaining.  I found myself enjoying it very much.  Thanks!

"And maybe finally today, I’ll have a bit of luck

We’ll lie down somewhere comfortable, and then we’ll … Oh hi there Derpy!”

Was she about to say what I thought she was about to say?

Ending is great. No, really, it works.

ADDED TO THE HEADCANON

>>584259584259

Another fan of Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth is always welcome. I'm seriously considering a in-the-same-continuity story focused on those two; like I said in my top comment, they really grew on me while I was writing the story.

>>584281584281

I'm pretty sure the next bit of the song was "have a party." What did you think Pinkie was going to sing?

>>582760582760

Got rid of the doubled phrase.

As for Derpy, I see her as a friend of Rainbow's, but not a super-close one (certainly not on the level of any of the Mand 6). Probably helps that Derpy is a bit hapless, and Rainbow has a big protective streak.

>>582597582597

If it's any consolation, I'll provide this special message from Cloud Kicker about what happens next in the story:

Image: http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y8/Chengar/3-1.png

>>584452584452

Hmmm, a couple of times i read "we'll bang okay" in shepard's voice. Either way reference or no, entertaining story.

>>584452584452

/me takes notes

>>580626580626 Try reading 'Sweetie's Mansion' - you'd have a field-day.

Stop the hate 'n' shoo. Shoo!

Hey,

Awesome. Really want more Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth - you're right, they did steal the show.

JMH

>>584452584452

They were obviously going to feed some ducks.

>>584452584452

Thanks!  I'd read that story.

I's also like a definite answer to the question that has everybody wondering: Do Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth get those shift manager positions?

Excellent story!  Felt real sorry for Pinkie there; all she wanted to do was get through to Dash and it was like banging her head on a wall.  I liked the little hints that Dash liked Pinkie too: not only the jealousy thing, but Dash agreeing to walk with Pinkie (despite just thinking how pointless walks were; it seems that spending time with Pinkie overcomes that pointlessness).  Also note that Dash's first thought was that Pinkie *should* have wings notably *before* remembering that it would be annoying (ie. that Pinkie should have the ability to spend more time with her if she wanted).  Rainbow simply can't seem to connect these things in her head to figure out how she feels.  Thanks for sharing this!

>>586201586201

Yeah, they do. I'm doing some tentative story planning for the Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth focused follow-up story, and it starts with Cloud Kicker dragging Blossomforth out for a night on the town to celebrate their promotions.

Wow. Just wow. Awesome story, and and believe me, the best RainbowPie I have read. You must submit it to Equestria Daily. Also, epiloge would be nice.

>>585527585527 Lol

>>585142585142

Well, considering Cloud Kicker also used the "I had reach, she had flexibility" line, I must have had Mass Effect on the brain while writing this.

It was interesting to read a story like this that was shown from the clueless lovers side. It was done spectacularly, showing Dash's though progress through the whole thing and how she keeps fooling herself Into not seeing the truth when it's right in front of her. I'm betting she's got a new perspective on the Rarity-AJ situation.

>>586231586231

The idea was to include hints that the feeling might be mutual, without making it seem too obvious.After all, even Rainbow would notice if she started drooling and getting a wingboner every time Pinkie was in her line of sight.

>>587602587602

Yeah, being in Rainbow's head for all her obliviousness does give an interesting perspective on the classic oblivious to love premise.

>>586490586490 Oh, please do! I laughed so hard at this.

Whoa, that ending really came out of nowhere. If you're going to set up a romantic couple like that you should probably try to drop a couple hints before hand instead of throwing it in at the last second

Yeah, Cloudkicker and Blossomforth are pretty awesome. I couldn't believe they HADN'T slept together

I laughed my ass off at the ending,  so hard I actually fell out of my chair.

Never really had much interest in Cloudkicker or Blossomforth before, heck I couldn't even tell'em apart from other background ponies but after this story I might keep an eye out for more stories with the two in.

HAHA! Mildy amusing...

Also, "Hey Blossom! I’ve got reach, and you’ve got flexibility." Mass Effect reference? Much approval.

This short story was a ton of fun to read, and I had a good few laughs with it. It was hilarious to read about Raindow Dash just missing All the signs. Poor Pinkie, how much more obvious can she get at that point? (Don't answer that!)

YES! Mass Effect Reference in a MLP Ship fic? We approve.

Silly Rainbow Dash, Pinkies are for lovin'.

“I like weird but fun.”

You magnificent, Bill Murray-class bastard. I have a twisted mind, and am going to take a cold shower now.

>>591525591525

Funny enough, one of the topics that I know is going to be cropping up at some point in the sequel is Blossomforth asking Cloud Kicker about the fact that Cloud Kicker has never tried to seduce her.

This story was brilliant. Not only did I find Dense Dash (Rainbow Dense?) really well written, but this was also the second fic ever thats made me laugh. Well done.

Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker are, of course, the heroes of this story. They truly went above and beyond the call of duty. Bless their little shipper hearts.

Did you hear that thud? The one from when I read the last line? That was my hand colliding with my forehead.

The worst part is that I know there are people in the real world who are that dense!

>>606421606421

Now... If Dash and Pinkie would just thank those two. Properly. With their tongues.

/sounds-like-an-unofficial-sequel-to-me!

So, I read this story again.  It really is good.  I did notice a few things that I missed (or hadn't thought about) the first time, making the second reading better.  So, let me get this straight, DERPY saw it before Rainbow Dash did?

Romeo Delight - Van Halen

As soon as I started to read this, I started sneezing uncontrollably. I am apparently allergic to DashPie shipping.

Also, I never realized the Shepard method and the Garrus method to picking chicks worked equally well.

Okay, this was really enjoyable. The whole idea - and perhaps particularly the very end - worked very well. The highlight was easily RariJack in the park though; reading this perspective and style was a little unusual and I wasn't 100% sold initially, but then?

"Those barbaric manners, that rough-and-tumble attitude, those sleek, rugged muscles."

Sold, thumbs up, thank you for the read!

oblivious dash is oblivious.

oh and,"I’ve got reach, and you’ve got flexibility." Garrus Vakarian reference for the win.

She's too Pinkie Pie that know no one understands her messages!!!

You know me, Dash. I always like to savor the last shot before popping the heat sink.

“No way!” That certainly narrowed it down. “You’ve got a crush on Rainbowshine?”

>>580626580626

Friggin' grammar Nazis. It's in English, it's not written in some jarring and terrible format. Who the hell cares that it's not up to English Major standards? It's FANFICTION, not a goddamn world-published novel. Enjoy the story or buzz off.

Also, I'm with Kits on this one. They need to be thanked for their shipping contribution... liberally and messily.

EPILOGUE EPILOGUE EPILOGUE

At first I was like

But then I was like

But then Rainbow Dash was like

AND THEN I WAS LIKE

Epilogue please.

Oh Rainbow Dash, you are so dense!

Also, I will jump on the proverbial bandwagon here and start chanting 'EPILOGUE' as well!

Because there needs to be one.

>>613997613997 I guess you're right. Grammar isn't important, as long as you're enjoying the story !

Was it necessary to dislike my story for no reason? -.-

>>613997613997 You do realize that without criticism a writer will not improve, right? There are rules for writing, like any craft, and following them will improve the quality of a piece of work. Roker may have been a tad harsh, but his advice for seeking an editor is very sound, not to mention that fixing errors will only improve the piece. I don't see why you want to bitch at him for offering criticism.

Just because this is not a professionally published work does not mean that readers should not ask for, or even expect, quality writing. The attitude that 'it's casual so you can't criticize it' is one of the worst things that has ever plagued writers and artists. Criticism is important and valuable and anyone who creates works for the enjoyment of others should be capable of accepting it. Fanfiction is already rife with writers who never strive to improve and continue to turn out tripe and you are encouraging one of the very notions responsible for that. If you want to read good stories, then you should start expecting quality works and offering criticism when those works fall short.

Oh, and just so you know, being a 'grammar nazi' is an excellent trait for a writer. In the literature community, that isn't an insult, but a complement. If you cannot determine the difference between criticism and insults, then perhaps you just need to calm down before you shout at someone for not completely agreeing with your opinion.

~ Whoa, Pinkie, what was that about?

~ ........Heh?

~ You just KISSED me? You know, if I didn't know you better, I'd start thinking there was something weird going on with you... I mean, I know you're not like that, but if you keep doing stuff like that, ponies are gonna start thinking we're a couple, so you better watch out...

~ (I swear to Celestia, this girl just can't seem to get it...)

~ ...What's with that face?

~ CELESTIA, YOU are THICK AS MY TOTAL PAGE COUNT!!!

~ WOW, THAT was RANDOM, Twilight... Where did you even come from?

~ ..........

~ It's okay Twilight... I'm fine dying alone... (leaves)

~ What was THAT about?

Hahaha, oh my god, this was awesome! Jeez, who knew that RD was so bloody oblivious?  

Yeah, if ya ask me, it certainly deserves all the praise it's getting. It was funny, it was fun, the characters were all in character... What's not to love?

As for an epilogue... Meh, I think the story's just fine without one. The ending you have right now is lulz worthy enough, and adding an ending could probably effect that a little. Still, could be cute, so if you ever do decide to do that, then I say go for it.

Ah well, all in all, grood vurk!

>>604661604661

Ok great fic, i will totaly read that story if you ever post it

Btw *creepy voice* i'm watching you

we’ll bang, OK? OMG YES BEST REFERENCE EVER

we’ll bang, OK? ..............so many amazing references! your a big "gamer poop" fan arn't you?

Really? THAT"S how it ends?! I demand an epilogue!!!

Seriously though, great fic, but like my previous rant suggests. You ended it WAY too soon. Please make more.

omg omg omg omg this is so cute

>>614327614327

There's criticism and there's nit-picking. Learn the difference before replying to me. It's people with your line of reasoning who warp the concept of helping someone improve their writing skills, you're holding them up to a standard and saying they're not acceptable unless they're 'just so'. That's about the message that comes across when every little thing has to be just one way and one way alone.

In the end, I don't actually care how you look at things. You've got your opinion, I've got mine.

>>614659614659>>614097614097>>614075614075>>614037614037

Mentioned it before in the comments, but no harm in repeating; a follow-up story is already in the works. Cloud Kicker and Blossomforth will be the main characters for it, but there'll be plenty of Rainbow, Pinkie, and everyone else.

>>613570613570

Yeah. That's gotta be embarrassing. Then again, going by the version of Derpy in My Little Denarians, Derpy might be a genius mastermind hiding behind a stupid act.

>>614583614583

Not really a fan of most of their stuff, but "We'll bang, OK?" is an inherently funny line. Like pickle barrel of kumquat.

>>606421606421

Well, it was Hearts and Hooves Day; it's practically Equestria's national shipping holiday. At least they managed to do better than the Cutie Mark Crusaders did with their efforts.

>>614343614343

I'd like to think that not even Rainbow Dash is quite that dense. Plus, at that point if she'd kept being oblivious I'm pretty sure Pinkie would've tossed any pretense of subtlety out the window. After all, Rainbow's density was more a case of having a big blind spot when it came to the fact that Pinkie Pie wanted to hook up with her than being a complete moron.

This thing could just as easily have been called "Selective Obliviousness GET!!" It's kind of like Rainbow Dash is willing herself to not know this.

>>614869614869

If I'd wanted to make this a bit more depressing, I suppose could've gone that direction, with the twist that Rainbow's been blocking it all out because she doesn't want to break Pinkie's heart by turning her down. I didn't want to do sad though.

>>614884614884

I agree. It's much lighter to simply have the idea never actually occur to her.

"I turned to Pinkie Pie, who in this bizarre world-turned-upside-down had somehow become my last bastion of sanity." .... Please... never let this happen again... I .... WHAT!?!

>>614840614840

I must admit, to my shame, that I haven't gotten around to reading My Little Denerians yet, especially after I did read Strange Friends.    I will rectify this ASAP.

Congrats on the EqD post!

Well, that was awesome!

It definetly had some gramatical mistakes (an editor would probably fix all of that), but that's the only negative thing I can really say. The whole story was adorable and funny, especially the Cloud Kicker/Blossomforth aspect! An epilouge is definetly needed!

Damn for some reason this needs epilogue.

But it is still good regardless of that.

was that a mass effect reference I saw with the reach and flexibility comment?

Oh man, I am *not* a fan of PinkieDash at all, but this was just great.

I can imagine that this is totally how RD would think. It's often a challenge to take one joke and just keep on pushing it further and further but you pulled it off nicely. I was openly grinning throughout most of the story. The ending was perfect.

If I have one criticism it's that RD's narration was a bit inconsistent in its level of formality, at times making use of shorthand like "wanna" instead of "want to". A style variation like that can be used for emphasis, but to me it seems you just sprinkled it around randomly.

There may have been a few grammar faux-pas, but nothing that forced me to stop and re-read a section. Some of the minor problems may have been masked by Rainbow's casual narration style. Definitely above-average language skill, and overall a pleasure to read.

The two pegasi froze for a moment, and then Cloud Kicker tossed a foreleg around Blossomforth’s shoulders, and pulled the protesting mare up against her side. “Oh yeah, me and Blossom are a thing now,” Cloud Kicker announced casually “I went up to her, and I was like, ‘Hey Blossom! I’ve got reach, and you’ve got flexibility. We should bang.’ And she said, ‘You’re right, the sex would be great!’ And that’s how it happened.”

yeah, sure, that's exactly how it happened Garrus. Whoops, did i say Garrus? Wrong name.

Also, your story here is pretty well written. There are no blank spots that break the flow of the story. You have gone above and beyond the general 2000 to 3000 words that i have seen everywhere. Basically you = good at English.

>>615578615578

I agree with Softy et al about the ending:

I loved it and could practically see the gears in Dash's mind abruptly grind to a halt (with the prerequisite record needle scratch sound effect natch).

IMHO an epilogue would unnecessarily drag the story out after the point has been made.

It seems like the story would overstay its welcome, like one of 'Kicker's one night stands trying to stay for lunch the day after.

>>588018588018

Weeeellll

Image: http://i546.photobucket.com/albums/hh421/amyatnapahouse/pILL.png

Yeah.

>>615578615578

While I do generally want to get things right, like one or two other people pointed out, Rainbow Dash perfectly following all of the grammar rules probably wouldn't fit her character. I can't see Rainbow Dash being bothered about ending a sentence with a proposition or using the passive voice. I imagine Rainbow's attitude on grammar is that as long as people can understand what she's saying, it's good enough.

Now, if I ever do first-person with Twilight Sparkle...

We’ll lie down somewhere comfortable, and then we’ll ...fffffffeathers?

Nailed it!

NO! Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and special cupcakes DO NOT MIX!!! Other than that, excellent story. I found it very humorous and rather touching.

13000 words eh?

Image: http://www.casualhardcoregamer.fr/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/duke_nukem_lets_rock.jpg

Upon further reflection, this does not  need a sequel or an epilogue. It's perfect as-is. For anybody that thinks so, I recommend re-reading it after you've finished the first time, then it's all obvious.

I do wonder... was this in any way inspired by "The Incredibly Dense Mind of Lois Lane"?

Clue-by-four. Best. Pun. Ever.

I love you. lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove you.

This was amazingly amazing, and you did a fantastic job of stringing me along with Dash's impenetrable daftness. The horrifying level of cluelessness shown was... almost stomach writhing. Not turning... writhing.

Brilliant story, superb last sentence, all around genius work.

>>616299616299

Exactly! Grammar is a tool; not a rulebook - don't forget the ultimate purpose of writing: to entertain. If a rule prevents the writing from being more interesting, feel free to ignore it. Of course this doesn't mean you can neglect proofreading entirely - improper grammar is distracting.

As a side note, as language is constantly in flux, there really are no rules set in stone, only commonly applied rules. And sometimes people get them wrong too - look at this article.