Gary A. Stewart, aka Agent BlndDog: Humanity Perfected (an autobiography)

by BlndDog

The end?

”and then Bam! Boom! Kasplooy!”

The green mare leapt onto the big oaken desk, sending up an explosion of paperwork.

The donkey behind the desk stared at her with a thoroughly unamused expression as a few sheets of densely-printed paper landed in his foot-tall hairpiece.

“…And then he goes into the castle to see Chrysalis disguised as Princess Celestia. And she tries to seduce him, but at the last moment he sees through her disguise, and then he…”

Quick Buck dug his hoof into his eyelid.

“Miss Heartstrings…”

“… And then we have a post-credit scene that starts with a close up of Gary’s old ID card…”

“Miss Heartstrings…”

“… We can have Michael Hay direct the second film, where Barry’s son…”

“Miss Heartstrings!”

Lyra stopped midsentence, her face still frozen in an absurdly wide smile that would haunt Quick Buck’s nightmares for many years to come.

“Miss Heartstrings,” he said again, breathing slowly and deeply. “While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I must remind you that AssCo Playthings Ltd. has a long history of producing quality toys. The core of the My Little Human: Commandos toy line is the serious, realistic, gritty tone.”

“That’s exactly what you have!” Lyra said, putting her face much too close to Buck’s. “You have helicopters, swords, lasers… LASERS! The laser pen can be an accessory!”

“Oh for the…” Buck wiped his forehead on his tie and slammed his hoof onto the big red button in front of him. “Security! Send somepony up to escort Miss Heartstrings out of the building.”

The colour drained from Lyra’s face.

“No, wait!” She said. “There’s more. You haven’t even heard about the long-term plan! The films are just the beginning! Imagine…”

The doors flew open, and two gigantic donkeys in dark sunglasses and security t-shirts walked in.

“Your ideas are greatly appreciated.” Buck signed heavily. It was only a formality, but saying those word made him sick. “Please feel free to peruse our gift shop on the second floor, and direct any questions to the main floor receptionist. Have a nice day.”

Even insulated doors could not completely block out the mare’s desperate screaming and blubbering.

Quick Buck groaned and slammed his face onto the desk. The selection process for the toy reboots had dragged on for weeks, and the ideas seemed to get worse and worse.

Okay, you can do this.

Emptying his entire flask of fine apple whiskey, he reached for the clipboard with the list of his appointments and obliterated “Lyra Heartstrings” with half a bottle of ink. He picked up the papers without much organizing and checked his hair in the mirror behind his desk.

After a few moments the door to his office swung open. He swallowed a lump as the shadow grew longer.

Celestia have mercy!

A rather unassuming mare entered the room, carrying a thick and well-used sketch book. Her long red mane was combed neatly, and her coat was well-groomed. She was wearing a clean white collar fastened with a red ribbon.

Buck sighed inwardly and forced himself to smile.

“Hello,” he said. “My name is Quick Buck, and I am the CEO of AssCo Playthings. Tell me a bit about yourself.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Quick Buck,” the mare said with a genuine smile. “My name is Laurel Fire…”

Author's Note:

April Fools!

Comments

[Chuckward]

Neato

[BlndDog]

5813294 And you would expect no less from the Alfalfa mayo that I am.

[BlndDog]

5813381 Divine inspiration, darling. Keep reading.