Can you tell me a story by No One. I cant seem to find him on the search engine and I've head good things about him

>>580538580538

I really don't know if you are being a troll or not, so  here is a link to Fallout Equestria: Heroes by No One

cant wait for the next chapter!

>>581001581001 Thanks. I was actually serious and i had trouble searching users on the site and he sounded quite big (hence the Derpy face, because I felt like i had been oblivious to some popular story or something).

As for the actual story, it's just my personal taste but I think it's a bit too slow in some parts (and some block of texts_. There are a few grammar mistakes but I don't really mind them. Following tho

>>582716582716

I appreciate the input. As for the grammar mistakes, feel free to point them out. Either I didn't realize I made a mistake or I don't know it is wrong and if no one points out my mistakes I won't do better next time. I can't promise that there won't be lots of boring slow parts, but I will try and keep things interesting.

Thanks for reading.

>>582771582771 You don't have to change your writing style (pacing). I mean, I'm use to writing and reading quick flowing stories that puts emphasis on dialogue and overall story than descriptive story telling that creates an atmosphere and makes you appreciate the small details in the world. But that doesn't mean that I should not read these types of stories. It is a nice break from my usual preferences after all

Also, maybe it would be a good idea if you wrote more than one chapter when submitting the story to the public. I'm supposing this is a long story and it would be more easier for readers (and better for people to review) to follow if you wrote more chapters initially.

PS Oh, what's the meaning behind the title of the story. In fact, I actually have that title in my storyboard as one of many other possible names for a future fanfic. I think the name "Rolling Bones" is just a cool name

>>583089583089

See, I would love to put more emphasis on dialouge, but I think I suck at it... So I don't.

I'll keep that in mind if I decide to write another new fic.

Honestly, yes, Rolling Bones is an awesome name. But I settled on it for a number of reasons. It is a play on the turn "Roll them bones" in dice games, it was an alternate name for the main character (a possible alias at this point), and it's a little foreshadowing.

Yay, No One will be proud And ignore downvoters scum, most of them downvote every FoE story what they see.

>>584148584148

That's okay. I work better when I am angry. Down votes just add fuel to my fire. Of course Up votes do the same... Really I am just an attention whore.

Mo' Votes Mo' Better

I like ... I like... You have good characters and an interesting story line. I'm definitely following this.

Still need to go over your story, but I must put in a word to that crackin' good name.

First of all: Magic hats to all the pony! Looking for somthing you have lost? Use hat*

And boy... before i read your story i was all over the idea of getting a pipbuck at some point.

Now

And boy do you have a good sense of humor. I din't think that the skill checks would work, because it trows one out of the history, but it is worth a lot of good laughs.

And third. It´s fist time i see a pony whose barndoor swings both ways. And I surprisingly liked it rather much

"Her horn began to glow and Hurdles breathing slowed as she numbed wound."

shouldn't there be a the between numbed and wound?

"Each wagon had a two to four pony team to pull it and four guards, there would also be three doctors and on merchant"

Missing an e in your one merchant

*Note not  all hats can help you. Hats do´t let you see invisible things and make you .20% cooler

good chapter

Forgot to mention this. My editor is taking a sabatical, so grammar and such may not be up to par.

Also, if anypony would like to help I could use another editor and pre-readers.

>>927176927176

And because I forgot to thank you sooner... have a dancing Luna

Image: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CMowCAtVkvk/T_5PXNHaB5I/AAAAAAAAEkE/ovcr16itUQA/s1600/w3YT9.gif

>>964674964674 lolwut

>>964686964686

I appreciate all comments... And I want to show that appreciation...

>>964784964784 ahhh

Just before anybrony than me use the meme... And with the use of divine insider knowledge, I have only one thing to say ... Chapter 4 is over 9000 words!

And yes thats how evil i am

I like your style. And I like amount of characters development you doing.

>>996355996355

A/N:

As always a big thanks to Kkat for inspiration.

A HUGE thank you to No One for allowing me to make use of His/Her set pieces.

Thanks to my pre-reader Doomande for keeping me on track

You will notice that I dropped the "Skill Challenges" I don't think I have to explain why.

Your thoughts and comments are always welcome and appreciated.

nice one good chapter looking towards the next

>>10618561061856

Hey Honey Mead just wanted to say that I am really Liking this story!   I have never read any of the fallout stories (or even played the game itself), but I really am invested in this story you have created here and will wait patiently for the next chapter. (sorry if I am a little vauge I don't really comment all that often)

>>11002161100216

I really recommend you go read the original by Kkat... seriously, do it... now.

Here. This has all the links.... seriously, now.

http://falloutequestria.wikia.com/wiki/Fallout:_Equestria#Google_Docs

(Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate it. (I really, really do) But Kkat's story is better than anything I have ever read before.)

Short chapter.

Not my favorite, but hopefully things will start to pick up in the next chapter.

Almost out of 'Heroes' territory and to my own little piece of the Wasteland.

(Kkat and NoOne are awesome.)

Waffles Y'all

good chapter

Okay... Since Mead is gone right now am I going to drop a little spoiler to all that read the comments.

As his pre-reader have I seen the new chapter that we are working on, and I can promise you all that there is going to be some excitement this time. We are all going to see the most tension filled chapter to date. And some shit will hit the fan.

And if you don´t believe me... well wait for the 17th then and be amazed. But don't tell Mead that I have told you about this.

I'm going to need to finish this when I get back from school later, but, damn, it's looking good!

Just a few grammatical errors and punctuation mishaps is all I can find. I'll give you a sample or two:

"Nothings wrong love." - Nothing's wrong, love.

"I looked at her funny, who?" - I looked at her funny. Who?

Still, you have yourself a watch! And a like... and a fav...

Hey there! I'm giving my opinion here per request of doomande, who's kindly pre-reading my fic. I won't go deep into grammar issues unless they're too blatant, since I'm no native English speaker, and therefore, not the best to give advice.

Reading the prologue, I want to tell you I really liked the first part. You do transmit the sadness of the day Lucky's mother is killed. Also, the description you gave of Dise is very strong, very powerful. I can picture what you tell very clearly, so well done.

Maybe the way things unfold is a bit clunky, and let me explain. The pace of the story is sometimes very slow, and immediately changes to being very fast. It's just the feeling I had as a reader, don't take it too seriously. And it's good you added a pegasus character. Makes it different.

Hey, you know what? You really improved the pacing here. The whole chapter is written so that you get to read it easily, without getting stuck anywhere. However, and this is only my opinion, I would have given a bit more information about the Watchers, the Remnant and so on. Maybe some quick ideas that help the reader link to the original Fallout equivalent, if there is one.

...And yes, he took the 'love' part a bit too literally.

Locke and Stock... Where are the two smoking barrels?

Anyway, good chapter as well. There are some good transitions between tragic and comic moments, making the whole thing a lighter read.

Also, lots of characters around. This can be a double-edged weapon, you know. Still, everything looks pretty promising up to now.

>>14195671419567

Thanks. I can't wait to hear what you have to say once you get a chance to read more.

>>14225121422512

Thank you. I am always worried about sad emotional scenes, I myself have not experienced many in my life so they take a great deal of work for me to get things right.

As for the pacing, there are a couple reasons for it (that doesn't make them good reasons). The prologue is already too long so adding more to even out the pacing is not something I want to do, and the information present is too important for me to just cut any scenes out. I have considered going back and reworking it so that most of it is chapter one, but I like the idea of ending with the prologue with the pipbuck scene too much.

>>14225331422533

Normally I would agree with you on the Watchers and the Remnant, but for the purposes of this story none of those groups hold any real importance. Once I get clear of No One's NCA I get to focus on my own little world where no other story has any influence. Chapters 3 - 5 are veritable bull-rushes to get out of Calidonia.

I don't believe that there is a Fallout equivalent story. No, this is my own little exploration of the mix between Fallout and Equestrian Lore as presented by Kkat. I hope you stick around to see where it all leads.

>>14225501422550

Alas, Locke is a spotter and has no gun. OH yes, the character barrage. I still don't know if that was a good idea or not, but I wrote myself into a corner and well, 'Challenge Accepted'. I am working on actually introducing you to a few of the Arbitrors at a time in each chapter. They all have back stories and should prove interesting.

Hello there, Honey Mead. I received a message from your pre-reader Doomande (you really should thank him for the signal boost, as I see I'm not the only one here as a result of it) in which he recommended your story. He explained that he felt you weren't getting attention you deserve, and it struck a chord with me. Things started off very, very slow when I first started off. So... I was willing to entertain that recommendation.

And a few hours of reading the prologue during slow moments of lectures... I think I like what I see.

Let's start off on what I found most effective in this first impression. That first scene with the younger Lucky was very well-written I feel. It might not have had a whole bunch of detail, but where I feel you score- and don't discredit yourself like I've already seen you do in previous replies- is dialogue. Your writing comes most alive during the dialogue between characters, and this can be said for the rest of the prologue. It may just be my way of picturing the scenes, but your characters really come out during the times they actually speak to one another. Colt Lucky sounded like a colt. Lucky's mom sounded like a worried mother with skeletons in the closet. Even the brief exchanges upon the ponies who investigated their Lucky's mom following her death gave off a feeling of shock and worry. We don't really see these ponies, but yet those few words serve to characterize them. Your manner, from what I've seen so far at least, is succinct and effective. We get a good picture of who these characters are with their words and your brief description of how they talk. Hell, Tracker has his own manner of speaking in the same vein as Calamity from the original FoE.

In short, dialogue- great so far, looking forward to it.

Detail, however, was a little lacking in some parts. You bring your characters alive, yes, but what of the world around them? There's not much indication of where Lucky and his mother were living before he was adopted by the Watchers. Only then do we learn of Dise. For that matter, the Watchers are not fully explained. We can only assume they are a bunch of doctors struggling with supplies- not fully know that they are. Now, No One may have created the city itself, but the reader must have prerequisite knowledge of it in order to fully appreciate what you've written. The prologue could have been so much stronger if you described the city a little more. Your characters are full of life. The locations... not so much. I want to see- your readers want to see your interpretation of Dise. It might not be your concept, but it can be your vision.

An exception- Lucky's characterization of the casinos. That, I felt, was good. I want to build on it. I don't know if you're entirely aware of this, but since we're viewing this story through Lucky's perspective, you created something known as a "biased narrative". This comes to great effect when Lucky describes the casinos and his distaste for them. We don't get an author's description for them. We get Lucky's. We don't just know that casinos in Dise are cesspools of the cardinal sins. We know Lucky hates them for that and the vicious cycle they create.

Lastly, your grammar. Really, it's pretty much fine. I only saw some comma splices in your normal writing. But in dialogue, you have some issues. Given that I feel that dialogue is your shining point, I really wish to help you with this. I can suggest looking up dialogue grammar rules, but mainly it's just a matter of capitalization. If your character's starting to speak a sentence, capitalize it. If you're leading to it with a descriptor, you should still capitalize it.

Example of what I saw: She whispered softly, “still got a little hangover?”

It should be: She whispered softly, “Still got a little hangover?”

That's mainly it. Otherwise, you're solid.

Storywise, I can't comment much since this is just the introductory prologue. Lucky already has a distinct set of motivations and opinions- namely his safekeeping of his most cherished possession and gift from his mother (and a Ministry Mare Statuette no less!) and his heavily Watcher-biased view of others and Dise (sin sin sin everywhere). This is just the introduction, yet you've given us a good impression of just who Lucky is.

In short, don't kid yourself. It may just be my opinion, but I think dialogue is where your story impresses the most. Keep it up.

Well hot damn. My reviews are usually quite meaty, but they aren't normally around this long depending on content. Hope that doesn't bother you. ^^;

I'll be keeping tabs on this story and reading further. But I've done a lot of talking. I think now's the time you do it. I'd like to know more about you. What's your history with writing? Is this your first story? Or do you have experience beforehand?

EDIT: Derp. I coulda just looked at your user page. @_@

Will be back soon,

Adder1

>>14284951428495

Well damn... um, yeah.. that about sums up my thoughts.

I am glad you like the dialouge, it is definitely where I put the most effort. I still think it's less than it could be, but that might just be me.

The detail... I don't know why but I have a hard time giving detail, it never seems to sit right in my mind. Some of it is that I didn't want to intrude on Heroes territory too much and get caught in contradictions. Also, some of it is that I wrote the prologue as little more than a way to explore Lucky with little consideration given to the world around him. Maybe when I finish some of my other projects I will be able to go back and fix some of that.

Some of the problem may also be that I wrote the prologue in a single sitting. It was the most writing I have ever done in one go and it got posted without anyone else looking at it. I wrote myself into five different corners with that prologue and I have been struggling to get out ever since. Chapter 5 Should be the end of most of my troubles on that front and then I can do some real world building of my own.... so yeah, we'll see how well that goes

his most cherished possession and gift from his mother (and a Ministry Mare Statuette no less!)

You have no idea.

sin sin sin everywhere

Sin can be fun! It's just what kind of sin.

This is my second story and by far the most ambitous. The most training I have had is college level english. Everything else comes from being an avid reader. But I have to get back to writing... the 17th is looming and I would like to not miss my deadline! I am totally going to miss that deadline.

>>14287481428748 Don't worry about treading on canon too much. I understand you're essentially paying homage (pun not intended in any shape or form) to No One's Heroes, but leave yourself some breathing room- you'll need it to breathe light and life into your world. Immersion is your most important priority as an author. You can do it. =)

Also, I couldn't help but think...

Aloe: "I want to go to The Moon!" :D

Lucky: "Why wait?" :D

*POWERBUCK*

Aloe: *flying* YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

I blame TomSka.

So... he has sex with his foal sitter? That's nice. Really really... nice. If you know what I mean.

You got some good pacing there, as already stated by S3rb4n's comment.

Although, I did find quite a few grammatical, punctual, and spelling errors.

Just one example of this is: "I lead her to the nearest ally..." I suppose that's supposed to be 'alley'.

Still, nice chapter you got here!

>>14316311431631

*Facedesk* How did I miss that one? Going to fix it right away

>>14316311431631

Yeah, sorry, that kinda snuck up on me too. It's important for the plot, but it doesn't play out like some fantasy. I promise.

I'll be going through everything for spelling and grammar... Again

>>14320691432069 Yes, that would be good.

I'm also wondering why I didn't get notified of either your reply or doomande's...

>>14440801444080

I've been noticing that happening. Haven't found a pattern to it yet though.

>>14441011444101 Ah well.

Oh, and I'm afraid I won't be able to read Ch.3 for... what, another day? Exam's are taking their toll, especially Chinese. Why I even have to learn Chinese...

>>581001581001 Yeah, I often can't tell if the D-likes I got for my own story are trolls or not. Probably trolls. Hopefully.

Alright, let's get right to it.

When I first saw the title of the chapter, I was thinking, "Baggage? Hmph, what baggage?" Aaaaand then I read the chapter. Ooh. Yikes.

I don't know if you intended it this way, but Lucky falling for Nurse Gray seemed pretty awkward at first before they, ah, did it. Afterward though, it started feeling a lot more natural. I'm unaware if this was your exact intention. I'll assume it was because in any case, it works out quite nicely. It sure was as hell unexpected though. Then again, so was how Lucky lost his virginity in the prologue. This springing relationship was the centerpiece of this chapter, and it definitely had repercussions that I feel you brought out quite nicely. Again, your dialogue makes your story come alive. Aloe's and Hurdle's reactions to Lucky and Nurse Gray make sense. They were confusing at first until we learn the context behind it. That's something I feel you did a great job with.

Yet again, though, there's that deal with detail. You did better with describing the Watcher compound and the crowding around the mess hall when the caravan list came up, which is good. There was little else, however. It's a simple environment, sure, but there's plenty of people about. What are they doing? What's the situation like? If anything, I'd like to see more of what you did with the crowd around the list. Perhaps you improve later on, though, and I'll read on first before I jump to conclusions.

That said, another noteworthy thing I want to praise you on is your characterization of Lucky in particular. A lot of his thoughts and actions contribute to building the reader's sense of who he is as a character, from his relaxed, lazy attitude to his snide jabs at Hurdle. Props to you for that.

I'll be reading more shortly. You're doing good so far.

Adder1

>>14702111470211

A lot of his thoughts and actions contribute to building the reader's sense of who he is as a character, from his relaxed, lazy attitude to his snide jabs at Hurdle. Props to you for that.

You might notice a slight change after this chapter.... It isn't exactly intentional, but I had stopped writing this for about two months and focused on a one shot and my other story for that time... well the important thing is that I think I stopped writing a lot of the little internal comments.... I don't know if that is good or not, I await your judgement.

Well, I've finally found time to read this. Sorry if I took a while, fever's a bitch.

Anyway...

I recoiled from the sound, almost falling put of the bed.

The next beep brought a sudden realization, lifting the offending device to my face I tried to recall how to turn off the insanity inducing noise emanating from it.

I was half outside before turning back and grabbing my hat.

Oracle lead forward bringing his face into my field of view, his short cut mane looking more like flames than hair, “you’re on my shit list now flybuck. That means, until I tell you otherwise, you will only speak when spoken to and the last word out of your mouth had better be ‘Sir’. Do I make myself clear?”

** Huh, you seem to have many instances of not capitalizing the beginning letter of some quotations. I suggest you do a quick run-through and see if you can't fix that.

Oracle led and I followed without saying a word. Not that I didn’t have words I really wanted to say, but I too busy trying to focus to say anything.

Reaching his right hind leg into a stirrup he pushed it down bringing an ammo belt across his back and feeding it into the firing chamber of his weapon. I was amazed that he could stand, much less walk under all that weight.

** I've seen lots of your sentences seem to be lacking proper coma placement. Still, a quick run-through should fix that, eh?

Good chapter, hampered only by the occasional grammatical error or punctuation error.

>>15433121543312

Yeah, I was given bad information and haven't gotten around to fixing it. I'll make sure to fix it when I get to this chapter in the rewriting.

Okay... sorry I took so long to get to this, but it's review time for chapter 2.

Again, I think your greatest strength in your writing is your characters. The dialogue is very good as usual, and this time I'm noting a lot more description of the characters themselves, their movements, and their reactions. You can easily tell what kind of person (hey, there's a zebra) through all of this combined. Props to you, Honey Mead. Still keeping it good. The detail on the environment is a bit lacking, but since it's the same general area as before, I think it's a minor thing if anything.

Now, onto the events of the chapter itself. It's pretty much a "gearing up" installment, and you do a great job of looking into Lucky's mind during this- especially with his thoughts on Tracker and finally leaving the Watcher compound. There was some good writing there, and I want to commend you on that. I feel that the reader can easily relate to Lucky in both cases, which is definitely something a writer wants to happen.

Also, romance and bromance abound!

Something I'm getting from Lucky is that he is a very sedentary character, and I'm interested to see how this experience will develop him as a character. Will be reading further shortly.

Keep it up,

Adder1

>>15675941567594

Thanks.

Yes, the way I imagined Lucky he couldn't be any other way. Someone who has never had to struggle to do anything wouldn't be the most proactive person/pony. The only thing that saves him from being a complete boob is the knowledge that there are limits to how lazy he can be without getting in trouble. Otherwise he wouldn't have gone with the caravan in the first place.

It's a fine line to walk and I know it's going to give me trouble later on, but that's kinda the point I guess. Every story seems to revolve around these characters who go out of their way to find trouble, explore, and do stuff and it's just never seemed genuine to me. In my experience most people are lazy and only do things because they feel like they have to and even then they don't want to do it.

>>15679491567949 You make a good point with that. Another point- I don't know if you bring it up or not- is that distractions are dangerous. Who hasn't played Fallout and came out of a sidetrack with less HP and ammo than when they came in?

hello

>>16055261605526

HI!

Image: http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/315/4/8/_ponkypie____mini_by_pianoponky-d5ko67z.jpg

>>16061511606151 how are you on this fine day

>>16065531606553

:shrug: Didn't get as much writing done as I would have liked, but other than that pretty good.

Are you liking the story? Any thoughts? Things you liked; things you didn't like? Predictions maybe? I lurve input.

That fight is priceless.

>>16066201606620

Sparkle Cola is a Hell of a drug.

I cant think of any thing you can add love the story and ever thing about it so far

but if I think o anything I wills let you know

Well I gave this a read. And I was very entertained.

You really bring Lucky to life in this chapter, making us feel connected to the character. You note his disgust/frustration with addicts and frequent visitors to the Watchers. You note how he feels like they'll never do any real significant good if things stay as they are. You also note on how he cannot go above the cloudline and how the Enclave Remnant has a strict flight restriction on Griffins and Pegasi so as to avoid attracting the Enclave's attention.

Dise is also brought to life in this chapter, empty buildings ready to collapse against the flashy and glitzy Casino's that litter the strip. All in all I feel this was a very strong chapter, building on Lucky's childhood experiences and showing they have affected him, but not made him some silent and brooding bastard. In short Lucky feels believable and alive in the first chapter, which is what a good first chapter should do, establish a connection between the reader and protagonist.

I enjoyed Lucky's relationship with his friends, also lol at being a lightweight, I'm a lightweight and I can still handle more alcohol XD.

>>16441391644139

Thank you. I'm glad to finally get input on the revised chapter.

You just made my day.

However, the next chapter is under HEAVY revision... So... Idk... Keep that in mind if you read it before it gets updated or something.

>>16442481644248 Okay, I canh old off on reading it for awhile. I have this story faved anyways so when you update the chapter, I should know ^^.

Okay, finally read this baby. Really sorry about the delay. Hopefully I'll be finishing up on the rest shortly.

Let's get started. This chapter mainly served as a character development segment with a bit of action intermingled with it. I really liked this chapter because it shows Lucky getting some experience and growing a bit, but at the same time, he's stubbornly resisting it. He takes a couple steps forward and then takes one back. He wants to hold onto the good ol' days in the Watcher compound where he could be lazy and get away with it. He wants maximum return for minimal investment. My absolute favorite part of this chapter was when he outright denied what Echo was saying to him and instead labels it as jealousy. That is the kind of narrative bias I'm looking for, and you pulled it off pretty damn well. I'm glad that doomande showed this story to me, and I'm glad I gave it a chance. Just that bit alone sold the story to me for sure. Maybe it's because of how much Lucky reminds me of... well, me (sloth is my vice- I'm well aware of it by now).

Other than that, we see Lucky separating Wasteland myth from fact. Sure it's desolate, sure it's a lot more dangerous... but it's not that bad. He likes the freedom aspect, which I can see appealing to him as a pegasus.

The nitpicky details with the grammar... I've already been over that already. You know about them, I've commented on your GDoc about it. I know you've got it handled.

You know, you haven't had any action in this story yet. Waiting to see how that goes, but know that you're doing mostly good so far, alright?

Keep it up,

Adder1

>>16581781658178

Thanks.

Delays? Pah! I'm just happy that I can apparently write things that other people enjoy.

As far as the Wasteland goes... well there's a reason it's been pretty tame so far.

Action? Action?!

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdg9gpL9QH1qgx37po2_500.gif

This isn't some crazy video game, first-person-shooter, survival-horror, RPG cross-... wait... shit... this is some crazy video game first-person-shooter survival-horror RPG crossover... uhm... hold on... crap!

Okay... okay... everything is fine. There's nothing to worry about. Breath Mead, breath.

Ah, yes, here we go. Yes, there's a fight next chapter! Haha! Action!

Honey Mead, I don't know if you're editing this chapter or not, but I highly suggest that you do. Not that there's anything wrong with the story itself; that part's fine. I especially like how you portray Lucky Sevens with an air of general lack of confidence, actually. It makes him more... well, it gets him into amusing interactions with other people. Like those guys in the tent, Locke and Stock, I think. And that's saying something, considering that I like people with more commanding confidence than the typical awkward character.

But that's not my problem. My problem is that, while the conversations are fine, the narrative in between (paragraphs depicting actions and detailing locations, especially) lack a fair number of commas. While it is dismissable, it's just kind of annoying to reread the sentence because I didn't get it the first time -- a problem, I learned recently, some of my readers have with my own story.

>>16728241672824

I'm currently editing 'Baggage', writing chapter 7, writing chapter 3 to the side story, working on a one shot, still trying to work on my none FoE story, editing/pre-reading for three other stories, working, and taking a few classes.

It'll take awhile, but I will get to it. There are definitely a number of things I know I want to fix up in the chapter. I hope (fingers crossed) to have it fixed up before the end of December. I appreciate you pointing that out. I will keep an eye open for it when I do get to it.

>>16728831672883 Alright, notify me when you do.

Finally read this. Graah.

More lazy Lucky. Makes me wonder when/if he's eventually going to kick the habit. He can't keep shirking responsibility forever (though he does a good job delaying it up until that point).

Ookay. Another interesting dream. Lucky's got quite the imagination. That, or there's some childhood memories we don't know about yet.,

Lucky! Watch out for those mares! What would Nurse Gray think? :U

That fight scene... okay, that was just hilarious. Most of it came from Lucky's witty remarks. Loved the snot out of them. Frost would've been damn proud. This was easily the highlight of this chapter, and it shows. Nice job with it- and the inevitable sugar crash.

Keep it up. I'm also picking up less grammar bloopers this time around, so good job there, Honey.

Hopefully wrapping this up soon,

Adder1

>>17008901700890

He might... or he might not... it's fully possible that he will go through to the very end doing everything ponyly(ponily, ponely...?) possible to never do anything ever. Well, no that's not true. I mean look, he got into a fight over nothing that concerned him at all. That must mean that he cares... right? Or maybe that's just the sugar talking.

Anyways. Dreams, yes I love me some dreams. They ain't done yet either. They may be important... or they could just be me screwing with him... I'm just evil enough to do that too.

Oh Candy... smart, funny, silver tongued even... and pink... so pink, so very pink

Sevens are awesome!   And I like your writting style! It's little... blurry.. makes story looks like.. dream or something. Not usual story, I must say. I like it!

>>17234021723402

Heh, thanks... I think. I'm glad you like it.

I liked this chapter a lot, it was fun throughout. You called Nurse Gray, Gary once but aside the odd spelling mistake, this chapter felt perfect. Nice work.

>>17574061757406

How did that slip trough my fingers? Well it is corrected now. And there should not be other Gary´s in this chapter now

>>17574061757406

What you don't realize is that was her birth name

Not that Lucky would have a problem with that...

Thanks for the catch, it's amazing how easy it is to miss stuff like that.

im so sad now after reading the Prologue with the Theme music i made for it.

“You two can celebrate anyway you want. I’ve had enough excitement for today.”

“You spent the entire day hiding and avoiding work!”

“Exactly. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to avoid work? Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to bed.”

OMG he's like Grif off of red vs blue.

next thing you know he will want to take an invisable nap.

>>17898991789899

>.>

<.<

Nooooo... I wouldn't do that....

>>17901051790105

invisable nap time:

Simmons:The Freelancers all had A.I. and a special power, right? This is the equipment that let them do that.

Grif: Oh cool, like the invisibility and super strength and stuff?

Simmons: Yeah, we can just hook them up to our armor and activate 'em.

Grif: And, they would work?

Simmons: Well they need an A.I. to help them run exactly right, but they have to help in some way.

Grif: Would they even work when we're, asleep?

Simmons: I guess so. Why? Wait, you wanna turn invisible and take a nap, don't you.

Grif: Think about it Simmons, the ability to nap whenever I want, and Sarge can never find me. Invisible nap time is the best nap time of all time.

Simmons:.... No man should have that kind of power.

best part in red vs blue history for me

WOOO HOOO theme song is uploaded:

the "All Seeing Eye"? is that lord of the rings All Seeing Eye? or the illuminati's All Seeing Eye?

And here... we... are. Last uploaded chapter so far. Let's get right to it, shall we?

First and foremost, I still believe that your dialogue is your strongest arm in this story. Your characters truly come to life through it, whether through their reactions to others or through the words themselves (case in point: Tracker). I also like how you change how your characters' words come out depending on their condition- such as if they're talking through, I don't know, a wired jaw.

Second, character building- at least in the case of Lucky. He's a very believable character, or at least as believable as a talking, flying, pastel-colored pony in a post-apocalyptic setting is. He has this laziness and want of instant gratification with maximum return for minimum effort along with this sense that everything good he does demands a reward. You learn to hate those ideals in people, but at the same time, we all know those feelings. It's what makes Lucky a character the reader can relate to some way or another. That he's stubbornly resistant to being convinced that he simply can't hold onto these ideas really fleshes him out as a character.

Something else that I notice you improving on is your description of the environments themselves as the story progresses. The world is a character all to itself, and it's up to you to characterize it. I see a lot of improvement from the prologue to your most recent chapter where we have a good idea of what this motel looks like and how cozy it is. Good job there.

Now, narrowing the scope a little and taking a look at your most recent chapter, I have to say the highlights of the chapter were the poem regarding Hearth's Warming and the ending scene with Hurdles and the soldier from the last chapter. To the first, I think it was really well done and it tied up the episode nicely. It also gives us a sense of what time of the year it is- and given your response to that, I expect you to act on that. The ending scene on the other hand, wow, I really feel for Sevens being absolutely crushed by that revelation. Those italicized thoughts also completed the scene and perhaps gives him a shot for *gasp* development.

Also, whaaaat the fuuuck with that bondage scene. oo;

So that's that.

Waiting on the next one,

Adder1

>>18000301800030

Also, whaaaat the fuuuck with that bondage scene. oo;

Sometimes I forget that you guys have no idea who most of these characters are...

development.

Image: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/109212453/I%20don%27t%20even.jpg

Dat feels during the prologue Oh and awesome start!!!!!

Cheers to this awesome chapter!

>>18385991838599

Image: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/109212453/cowabunga.jpg

>>18386031838603 Still patiently waiting for chapter 7 for five hours straight Still a good chapter comes from quality not quantity

>>18393921839392

Did... did you read all that in one sitting? That's like the second best complement I've ever gotten.

>>18398471839847 Sorry a bit late mostly from vacation and broken wifi. Yes i read that all in one sitting and i hope a new chapter shall get released soon enough

So I just read the prologue and I gotta say...I'm gonna be crying for awhile. I'll be reading chapter one soon and I look forward to its awesomeness.

>>19287601928760

I would apologize, but that's kinda the point, so.... Have a Sweetie instead.

Image: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/109212453/Sweetie-%20bob.gif

Wow..this is..really damn good.

Not much I can say..You have a good number of crushingly sad things, (Ie. the entire prologue) but you also intersperse it with good, light, scenes and humor where it's appropriate!

>>19772161977216

Thanks.

Still waiting patiently

>>20078652007865 Same... in my waiting time i advertize the book on FB. it's realy fun and ive only gotten 1 person to read this but thats a start right?

>>20080422008042 Try other social sites like twitter! Or something Hmmmm how bout forming an FOE group in FB?

>>20080772008077i was thinking about the second idea for a while but i have no idea how to excatly... do you have skype?

dident you comment on the theme songs video on youtube?

>>20081052008105 Yes i have skype ( stalker ) and yeah i commented on The Rolling Bones Theme

>>20078652007865

Holy shit on a stick with a side of mayo! Someone is pestering me for an update?

I'm thankful that you're being patient. It will be a little bit yet, I've had to completely rewrite almost every scene because I was an idiot when I wrote the first drafts. This is a fairly important chapter filled with mostly unexplored characters getting some much needed screen time and I want to get things right.

>>20097602009760 DUN DUN DUUUUNNN! Well take all the time you want have to go cuz of my test!

This Review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors (your pre-reader sent me here)

Name: FoE: Rolling Bones

Grammar: 9.5/10 (Highest I give, always room for improvement)

Pros: Good pacing/ flow

Like your character, very well thought out and good development

Cons: Can't think of any you did a great job with prologue

Notes: I've never read a FoE: story before and I must say this is pretty good, I'll get to your other chapters when I can, and post another AHA review when I hit the end, that will have more of my thoughts on the story.

Hope you liked your review please don't forget to review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire