Nopony can know...
Abominations
Twilight was frantically searching the last few shelves of her newly restored library. There had to be something on the subject here. The remains of her mistake were laying a charred mess, only barely out of sight, and the smell made her eyes water. As soon as it had happened she had locked the front door of the fortunately empty library. She had to get this clean! She had to take care of this! Nopony could ever know...
Finally, the second to last book, Super Naturals, had a potential solution, and fortunately everything she needed was in the house. Yes, she could get this little problem taken care of, and then not even Spike would know. Assuming he wasn't home early from helping Rarity with her workload. Twilight scanned the book again and memorized the instructions. They were short and it would be easy to carry out the suggested plan of action.
The first and most important ingredient would be common acetic acid. Easy enough, there was a bottle in the kitchen. The other was freshly ground coffee, also in the kitchen. Twilight was halfway there when to her horror, her front door clicked with an audible metallic turning of a key. She stared as it slowly swung inward, the “Closed” sign bouncing off the window with the motion. “Hey Twi!” Rainbow Dash called out. “Why's the library closed?”
Twilight bit her lip as the cyan Pegasus began to enter, much too close, she would see. What could Twilight even do? A flood of spells passed through her mind, but she couldn't settle on any. “Hey, even if you're closed, can I check out the newest Dar-” Rainbow paused before her face twisted into a look of sheer unadulterated horror. “What they hey Twilight! WHAT DID YOU DO?” Rainbow made a retching noise, turned on her back hooves and hightailed it out of the Library.
“Wait!” Twilight shouted. “I can explain!” But Rainbow Dash had already dashed well beyond earshot. Okay, so maybe giving her friends keys to the library hadn't been such a hot idea. But it was no matter, Rainbow was one of her best friends and the Element of Loyalty. She wouldn't tell anypony what had happened.
For the second time since the accident just a few minutes prior, Twilight pushed the door shut and locked it. She should have privacy for the rest of however long this took. “Okay Twilight.” Twilight said to herself. “You just need to get this clean before anypony else comes by to visit. Not that hard, and then everything will be okay. Just fine!” She trotted back to the kitchen and began to make up the mixture, just as the book described. Yes, if all went to plan then this wouldn't be a problem very soon.
Cleanup had only just begun though when like the banging of prison bars the latch of the door was unlocked as another key turned. “No! Stay out!” Twilight shouted, hoping whichever of her friends was out there would take her seriously. Hopes that were severely misplaced, but it was no matter, Twilight had a spell ready.
“Twilight? What ever's wrong?” Oh no. Oh no, oh no no no no. Not Fluttershy. Much to Twilight's horror the door began to open again, as Fluttershy's yellow nose poked through the crack. “I saw Rainbow flying from here and she looked pretty upset.” Fluttershy said, admitting herself into the room where Twilight stood amidst the evidence, helpless against what was about to unfold. “Do you know what...” Realization set into Fluttershy's face as her eyes begin to water. “Oh... Oh how could you?” The butter colored mare asked.
Twilight teleported between Fluttershy and the safety of the outside world. “Fluttershy, it's not really that bad now, is it?” She asked, putting her own nose inches from her friend's.
Fluttershy nodded, turning green. “It's pretty bad.” The mare said, trying to push past Twilight. But, Twilight was much quicker on the draw with the second pegasus to discover her horrible secret. A flash of purple light shot from her horn to Fluttershy's head. The butter colored pony collapsed in a heap on the floor, snoring gently. "Okay, I'm sure she'll be able to forgive that, once she knows the situation." Twilight said, grabbing her friend under the shoulders and dragging her towards the closet by the front door. She was half way through wrangling the deceptively heavy pony into the closet between the coats.
The purple pony's blood ran cold though as she heard several hoof beats sound on the hardwood floor of the library branch. She looked over her shoulder to see Pinkie cartwheeling to the center of the room, oblivious smile on her face. No! Pinkie couldn't see this! Twilight wasn't sure what was worse, the apparent deep embrace she was holding Fluttershy in, or that there was no way Pinkie would miss noticing the terrible sin that had started this mess.
“Heya Twilight, Flut-" Pinkie's eyes began to water and she took a look around, examining her setting. Too quickly, her eyes were drawn to the mess, much of it still scattered on the floor. "… Nope!” And Pinkie pronked past the petrified purple pony and into the more pure outside. Twilight groaned and slammed the door before any more ponies came by. This was going to turn from a dark secret to a dark public knowledge. Using her magic, Twilight moved one of her heavier book cases in front of the door.
Twilight's eye twitched. Rainbow could be trusted not to talk, and Fluttershy convinced. But Pinkie Pie? … It was possible that she might have to kill Pinkie. But she couldn't risk trying to hunt the pink party pony with the possibility of probing ponies ponderously perchancing past this problem. No, killing Pinkie would have to wait until after she was done cleaning this so nopony else would find it. And also an inquiry into the automatic inclination that Twilight acquired of instantly internalizing an all alliterative arrangement of her intellect at any meeting with Pinkie. She spent a moment to banish the unbidden thought pattern.
Frantically, Twilight used her magic to stuff Fluttershy in the closet, and fetch her cleaning supplies. She swiftly swept the floor and pointedly applied the potion, and carefully ground the coffee to a find grind. She tactfully teleported the physical remains to a pocket plane where none of ever be subjected to them, but the abominable aroma she had created refused to remove itself no matter what she attempted. As minutes passed she growled in frustration. "Why isn't this working!" she shouted to, presumably the prone pony in the closet. She grabbed the "Super Naturals" from where it lay abandoned and reread the instructions.
To her dismay, she had followed its instructions to the T. There was only one conclusion for what why it wasn't working for her. The book was wrong.
The book had lied to her.
It was more than Twilight's battered Psyche could take. Books had always been that one thing she could rely on, her entire life. Whether it was warning her of a being of unimaginable evil returning, or making an awesome fort, never once before had she been let down by a book. The blow combined with the horror she was facing was just too much as an Anguished cry escaped her lips. “NOOOOoooOOOoooOOOOoooooaaaaaaghhhh!”
“Twi? That ya'll in there?” Applejack called from outside. “I've been hearin strange stuff from Pinkie and Rainbow. What's goin'-”
“Go Away!” Twilight shouted. “Nopony else can know! Just leave me to my fate!” tears were forming in the princesses eyes as the implications of today's actions, the full weight of the consequences settled in. She was doomed.
“Twi? Twi open the door or Ah'm comin' in!” Applejack called.
“Just leave!” Twilight shouted, but it was to no effect. The door was again unlocked and shoved open, the weight of the book case gouged the floor, sending up curls of wood as it slid, until it came to a rest against the coat closet door. Curse that insane earth pony strength. “Twi what the hay is... Ya used the popcorn button on the microwave, didn't you? " Applejack asked, expression going from worried to flat in an instant. "Ah swear, doesn't anypony read instructions anymore?"
Twilight nodded, shame swallowing her. "I didn't know!" she cried out, desperate for her friend to forgive her for her transactions.
Applejack crossed the room and put a gentle hoof around Twilight's withers. "Ah shoot sugar cube. Ain't nopony ever believed that button was no good till they had one burn up on em. Ya don't need to freak out bout it none. And Ah'm gonna talk with Pinkie and Rainbow bout tact and proportions. Just take a deep breath, open the windows and get back to work... Not in that order mind. You sure burnt that one up an boy howdy does it ever stink!"
“But if I open the library again, then everypony will know I can't follow instructions!” Twilight cried out. “They'll know that 'Princess Twilight Sparkle' was too dumb to read a single stupid bag of popcorn! And then- And then they'll send me back to regular Kindergarten! Which manages to be even worse than magic Kindergarten!”
“Twi. Just relax, no need to make a mountain outa a mole hill. Just take a deep breath.” Applejacks green eyes locked with Twilight's. “Yer a smart mare. Ya'll figure out a way to get past this." Applejack have her a reassuring pat on the back "Ya aren't goin back to kindergarten. Why I'm sure it's a mistake even Celestia's made once."
Twilight shook her head. "No, there's no way Celestia's ever made such a silly mistake. She's- Well she's Celestia! I mean-"
"Shhh. Don't think about that anymore Twi. Just... Eh, not to be off topic, but, Is Fluttershy in the closet?"
"Yes." Twilight said. "Though that's more than a little off topic."
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Ya think she want's out of there?"
"I imagine she's waiting till she's figured out what to say to her pare- OH That closet! Yeah- he he... I'm in trouble, aren't I?"
Dear Princess Celestia.
Today I learned that popcorn companies and microwave manufacturers need to get their crap together. I mean really, why label a button “Popcorn” when it's going to cook much longer than the average sized bag? Is it within my power to make a decree that that be fixed? I mean really? I know that popcorn companies have been reducing the size of a standard bag for a long time now, but you would think that with a new microwave design coming out almost every year that they could keep up with that. My house stinks and everypony that comes to use the library makes funny faces, and worse is that they ALL KNOW! They've all been making jokes about it and it's so embarrassing!
I also learned that nothing really gets rid of that smell. They tell you vinegar and water helps, but nope. Just Nope.
I guess I'm rambling a bit, and these letters are supposed to be about friendship and all... so uh... Level headed friends are good, as are the ones who don't press charges. small problems are small and fire breathing dragons make great fall guys when things get burnt.
Your Faithful Student
Twilight Sparkle.
Celestia groaned and rubbed the bridge of her snout. Really why couldn't this letter have come five minutes earlier? Of all the ironically timed warnings that came too late, this one was most ironic. “Oh!” Luna said, teeth crunching on something. “Is it another letter from Twilight and her friends? Most Excellent, I have already acquired the popcorn!” munch munch
Celestia's eyes widened as she looked at her darker sister eat even darker still popcorn. “Luna! How can you stand to eat that?”
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I'm absolutely shocked and disgusted that a respectable pony like Twilight could ever do something like this.
I'm with Luna, lightly-charred popcorn is delicious. You should do a follow up chapter where RD is making popcorn for the Mane 6, and makes a point of not using the popcorn button, and is all smug about it... until she realizes that she forgot to take off the plastic wrap.
You burn one bag of popcorn by accident and suddenly you're the single most terrible person in the whole building...
I know those feels Twi, I know them far to well.
i.imgur.com/ClzCAyt.jpg
CURSE YOU, RED LITERATURE!!!
Lightly charred Popcorn is good. It is kind of hard to time it so it isn't badly charred (which isn't good) and normal which is nowhere near as good as lightly charred.
5801413 hahaa that would be pretty funny. I might do that if I need to make another 3am madness story.
5801650 "
Well, at the very least, thank goodness all that smoke didn't set off the fire alarm....
wait, actually that's not good."
5802472 Ya know, with the crazy anachronistic tech of the ponies, I wouldn't be surprised to see that they have microwave ovens but not smoke detectors.
I was just re-reading this. Noticed some of my funny mistakes. Like the floor is crystal when Pinkie does her thing, but wood when Applejack pushes the door open, and Twilight moves two book cases.
oh well.
I upvote for grammatical correctness. I Fave for fun and interesting stories. Have both.
I sincerely think this author has a very stinky house to be able to write this in such detail.
Oh, wow. Yeah, that was cute.
Twi's opinion of Fluttershy and the closet was the best line.
5803973
I loved that line. I thought of it during edits, and had to rework flutters part of the story to get it in. Glad you liked it.
5803877 surprisingly, i actually dont even have a sense of smell. I was eating popcorn though, saw that instruction on the bag and thought "huh. It would be funny if..."
(Realizes it sounds like obvious denial.)
I want to thank everyone thats upvoted and commented. It's made my day.
I was expecting her to have summoned a demon of some sort with blood transmutation circles on the floor. Glad i was wrong.
You know, in my experiences, the Popcorn button always manages to be nearly perfect. If anything, it needs to cook it longer.
That made me chuckle. Through most of it, I was expecting her to have burned cookies or something; popcorn hadn't crossed my mind. And I'm with Nightwalker, the line about Fluttershy capped it
This was hilarious, and well worth the time it took to read.
Funny... I always ignore that label, and nothing bad has ever happened to me... well, except bargain-brand popcorn flavoring, but that was going to happen anyway.
5804246 Oh. I kinda was thinking more like... Nope. That's what I was thinking.
5804503 yeah, it depends a lot on your microwave. Newer nicer models get it perfect. Old and/or budget radiation boxes are set for 3.5 oz bags which aren't the norm anymore.
This. This nearly made me fall out of my chair.
The popcorn I buy actually says specifically not to use the "Popcorn" button on the microwave. *shrug*
How entertaining. I can't say I've ever been there, though; I abhor microwaves and refuse to use them.
5804232
I also suffer from anosmia (minimal sense of smell). It really gets in the way of cooking.
Does Popcorn really smell that bad burnt? I've never smelt burnt popcorn...
5805052 Yes. Yes it does. It's pretty horrible. It's a mixture of the hull of the popcorn burning, which has a sour smell to it, and the oil in the bag burning which is a bit rancid. The smell works it's way into any soft surface and you can smell it for about one to eight days afterwards. Freshly ground coffee set out and cleaning hard surfaces with vinegar water helps, but does not remove it.
If you're up for it, take a single piece of popped microwave popcorn, hold it over a lighter and take a good whiff. You'll never forget.
5805031 Actually, I have severe rhinitis. There's technically nothing wrong with my sense of smell, except that it's buried behind an ever present wall of snot and inflammation. I can smell clearly about four to eight hours a week, or if I inhale and quickly exhale through my nose.
TMI? Probably. Most likel- Ah who am I kidding. Yes that was TMI. Yes, I still posted it.
5805057 Does it smell worse than blue cheese being microwaved? Almost nothing smells worse than microwaved blue cheese.
5805172 *Goes to microwave blue cheese.* ... *realized he ate all his blue cheese, returns to computer*
No clue man.
5805175 Well, whenever you get the chance to try, don't. Not worth it.
Come on, Twi, honestly, who does read instructions before it's too late?
That was fun, and that last bit with Luna was just awesome
Oh the irony! That's too funny! And why I don't make it, I can't for the life of keep the blasted stuff from burning.
5806369
Yup.
The fastest route to my family reunion involves driving past a sewage treatment plant. I can barely smell it, but it's gag-inducing for everyone else.
At least she didn't use one of those unholy Jiffy Pop things. *shudder*
I hear there's a special level of Tartarus for that.
And now, the guy who turns failure into an art form:
That isn't actually irony. It's just hilarious.
Ain't
______________
You need to go through AJ's accent and choose either Ya or You to use. The biggest thing when writing accents is consitency. It's either ya or you; either Ah or I. Depending on how thick you a ponies accent to be.
_________________
Small
____________
Decent story. Although when reading about an abomination, I was thinking something more along the lines of:
bloodborne.wiki.fextralife.com/file/view/Scurrying%20Beast.jpg/545611998/Scurrying%20Beast.jpg
The Bloodborne Scurrying Beast, what with her earlier reactions she got. But yeah, It's always good to read instructions, or at the very least buy pre-made popcorn.
5807967
What's a Jiffy Pop?
5893612
beachpackagingdesign.com/wp-content/uploads//uncategorized/2008/06/26/jiffypopsmall.jpg
In my experience, these things do nothing BUT burn popcorn. They are atrocious.
5894799
That does look like the beginnings of an attrocity. Thank you for the warning.
if ya think thats bad try a pack of sausage for 9 hours in the microwave now theres a smell that reaks *yes i hit 9 hours and not 9 mins by mistake dumb time cook on my microwave*
5893603 Finally got around to fixing those. Thanks.
Honestly I'm surprised that since I wrote and edited this in two hours while stupid tired that there weren't a lot more mistakes. Guess I was just really lucky with this one.
:D I went to great efforts to try and make people think things like that. Glad you enjoyed.
5905900
You're welcome
.
Well, this was random.
Good work and I have to side with Celestia on this one. How can somepony/one eat burnt popcorn?
Is that actually a thing?
My microwave, if anything, under-cooks the popcorn. There's always ten or so unpopped kernels.
6010855 yeah, its a thing. Theres always unpopped kernels in every bag. ... its kinda annoying actually, to have it torched with those still down there.
A moment of deep philosophy:
"Every microwave oven is different, and only through time and trial can one determine exactly how long it will take to pop popcorn..."
-Summon Bigger Stink-
Actually, I was reminded of an incident in the employee's break room in the basement of a place where I worked many years ago. Microwave ovens at that time used a pair of mechanical "egg-timer" knobs instead of key-pads. Somebody had put a sugary-frosted sweet roll in, turned the "Minutes" knob instead of the "Seconds" one, and then went away leaving it running. There were fan-forced open flames spewing from that oven when I shut it off--and that was the only time I've known a microwave oven to create a worse stink than burned popcorn.
In my early 20s, I worked the night shift at a truck wash. One night a truck came in from a slaughter house & we ended up with a cow's (?) brain. Some unknown genius stuck it in the microwave & it exploded. (The brain -and our boss.) I wish the microwave had exploded instead but I was not that lucky. As the newby, I got stuck cleaning it up.
Ditch the "still" at the end.
Luna: quickmeme.com/img/47/47de8ae91a17e2c9befb975b136d68541dcc07918f3d89b2ad8677b43d2b4702.jpg
This was so random and unexpected that it's great!
...
...
Lmfao! XD I thought I was going to fall off the bed from how much I was laughing
6642695 glad you enjoyed it!
burnt. popcorn. is. DISGUSTING!