Andromeda Rising

by Azurala

Comet Day

Andromeda was beside herself with giddiness, galloping through the asteroid fields on the outside of the Celest system. Today was the day she gets to see her sisters for the first time in a century, finally making her rounds again towards the pony planet.

Through her millennia of living in the dead quiet vacuum of space, her magic had adopted new properties, changing the makeup of her body until she was no more than an illusion from a fourth plane, carrying twinkling stars from unrecognized universes in her mane and fur. She could interact with and change the course of the stars she tended to without harming herself, becoming immersed in degrees of Kelvin off the scales she'd known in her schooling on Equestria, from fifty thousand to absolute zero. She moved across space on silent hooves, propelling herself through the lower dimensions at will, unbowed to the laws of physics and the speed of light.

But she'd slow down today. Just to pass by her sisters and show them that she was still out there, still holding her part of their triad.

She basked in the warmth of the yellow Sun as she approached, allowing more of herself to materialize on the third plane until she was solidly visible. The edges of her mane trailed light, like a comet, leaving icy stardust in her wake. I will shine brightly for my sisters today.

Slowing beyond the speed of light, she came upon the green and blue planet and allowed herself to be pulled into its relatively weak gravity. The pull of the mass center brought out more stardust from her mane, until she glowed as bright as a star would in the Equestrian sky.

---

Celestia and Luna met at the old telescope that night, looking through the pristine kept glass to see their sister, galloping across their sky with a smile on her starry muzzle. Even though they knew that she could not see them, they waved at her and shed tears for their beloved sister.

"She visited me on the moon." Luna reminisced quietly. "When nobody else could, she came and talked to me. She would bring heat from the faraway stars to warm me beneath the surface. She never forgot about us, sister."

Celestia nodded. "I saw. I would watch her from here, sitting on the surface of the moon and talking all alone. She would stop and listen for you to say something, but just keep going. For hours." Her smile was sad.

"I heard everything. She would talk about all the stars she tended to, about the ones that were dying or ready to go nova. How she would trigger novas in dead systems to restart the circle of life." Luna shook her head. "She was so busy, and yet she still came to talk to me every hundred years."

"She is a beautiful soul."

---

Passing by the kingdom again, her third crossing of the planet, Andromeda started to build up speed for escape velocity. Goodbye, my sisters. I shall see you again. Her hooves galloped over the tiny satellites until her speed built up to the point that her physical form had to melt away, leaving only the starlight of her mane and tail in her wake, a long stream of twinkling light fading out behind her.

Comments

[Scribblestick]

Hmm. I think there's potential here, but it'll take some work.

The main problem that keeps me from enjoying this story is its length. You're introducing a new character, deeply loved by Celestia and Luna, who is making a sacrifice for them. All well and good in concept, but right now, it seems like that's all there is - and idea that needs to be developed.

Let's start with Andromeda. You do a decent job of introducing her, but it's like you've introduced me to a friend I've never met, or that I've talked to someone on a 10-minute bus ride. I like her well enough, and she seems nice, but I don't share any particular connection with her, beyond that we met that one time. Think of it like you're reading obituaries. Most of the time, they're people you've never met, and while you acknowledge on an intellectual level that someone's died and that's sad, it doesn't really resonate with you, and you more than likely forget about it a few minutes later. This is how Andromeda and her sacrifice came across to me as a reader. Sure, she seems nice, and she's obviously important to Celestia and Luna, but I don't know her, so it's hard for me to care about her.

To help your readers care about Andromeda, we need some time to get to know her. We need to see (not just be told) the kind of pony she is, how she reacts to problems and the world around her, and perhaps most importantly, how she relates to Celestia and Luna.

Your world needs some fleshing out as well. This is a side of the MLP universe that, so far, has not been dealt with at all in the show. It's rules are unknown, and reading your story, I'm left wondering why Andromeda's sacrifice was necessary. Why does she need to "fade away" or "become one with the cosmos" to manage the stars, while Celestia and Luna don't? Why can't Andromeda's job be done as Celestia's and Luna's - from a castle in Equestria? In short, what are the rules that govern the Equestrian cosmos, and why do they necessitate such a sacrifice from the guardian of the stars? Without this explanation, Andromeda's sacrifice lacks purpose or point, and as a reader, I'm left asking why it was necessary in the first place.

Like I said, this seems like a good enough concept. I think if you take the time to flesh out your characters and world, this story would be a lot better.

[Azurala]

5793448

Thank you very much for your insight! This is, of course, just an introduction. There is more to come on Andromeda and her beginnings and what (and why) she does.

[Noir de Plume]

This is well done, and I think any constructive criticism should be offered in a private message, both to prevent spoilers and to keep other readers from pre-judging the story.

[Papa Dragon]

this is such a tease
but a good one

[Azurala]

6641643

Well, part of it has continued on in Supernova. Thanks for reading!