Spike goes near the Dragon Lands for Twilight Sparkle. While searching for the item, he meets a female dragon named Amber. (One Shot)
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 19th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Sep 14th, 2015
Blondlionezel
My name is Nicholas Roy, I like MLP: FIM, Marvel, Transformers, Godzilla, and Anime
Blondlionezel
Joined 19th Jan, 2015 ·
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Haven't read it yet, will when I have the time, but it's marking 'Incomplete' and the description says 'One-Shot'
Rather a poor read, I hate to say. The most prominent factors that contributed to this were the overall rushed plot and the extremely telly and beige prose.
Hmm. Not the worst story ever, but not something I'd read again. A few pointers:
- Avoid telling us things we already know from watching the show. Things like this:
This is just repeating information your readers already know, and they're not really relevant to the story anyway. We don't need a recap.
- The whole "dragon massacre" thing was just... weird. Not saying it couldn't happen, or that I don't like a dark twist in my ponyfic, but some of the details are hard to accept. For example, you say Amber has heard of ponies as heartless creatures, yet in "Dragon Quest," the adolescent dragons make fun of Spike because "ponies are soft." This wouldn't be a problem if Amber was part of a different dragon group, but you implied earlier in the story that he's traveling near the dragon group he visited in "Dragon Quest," so it's hard to believe that the teens consider ponies "soft" and Amber has only heard of them being "heartless." On top of that, Spike doesn't try to correct her, even though what he's saying clashes with everything he knows about ponies. It doesn't really fit with his character. He needs to have some kind of emotional response to this, at least.
- The romance is rushed. There's really no way around it. It would be one thing if Spike and Amber accidentally kissed, but the way you've written it, that doesn't appear to be the case. They've only just met and had a single conversation about their kind being senselessly murdered - that's not the kind of thing that inspires love to bloom, or even a schoolyard crush.
- It's awful convenient that Twilight's friends are experiencing maladies that can only be cured with specific herbs that come from the Dragon Lands, especially with Zecora in the nearby Everfree Forest. It's also convenient that the Dragon Lands are only a couple hours away, even though "Dragon Quest" implied they were a lot farther than that.
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I'll admit it, this was not one of my best works. I didn't think it would turn out this bad though. Thanks for the constructive criticism.
5786858 No problem. We all have stories we're not proud of. Keep writing, and stay positive!
wow, that escalated quickly!
Looking for herbs --> ambushed --> female dragon ---> kiss ---> end
Are all your stories this rushed? I will say that I liked it, but it seemed that you basically condensed a 7-12k story into little over 1k, and it did not help, whatsoever
this story could use about 2-3000 more words
I know the author of this fic is long gone from the site, but nevertheless I reviewed this story (fairly) recently. There's the basis for a light, fun, romantic adventure here. Unfortunately the breakneck pace means it just doesn't give the reader any time to think.