The Jerk That Time Forgot
Spike sat at the enormous round-table in the center of the new castle’s throne room. The castle had sprung up in the wake of the battle with Tirek, conveniently replacing the home that he and Twilight had lost in the battle. As such, the crystalline palace was now the seat of power for their still-unnamed kingdom, and he, along with Twilight and their friends, were free to lead it as they saw fit.
But sadly, with great power came great bureaucracy.
“Okay, so I officially call to order the first meeting of the Council of Friendship!” Twilight bit the handle of the large wooden gavel that she’d specially ordered for the occasion and banged it twice against the table. She spit the gavel out, letting it fall back to the table with a clatter of wood on crystal, and turned to Spike with a giggle. “Okay, Secretary of the Interior, please read the minutes of the last meeting.”
“Is that really necessary, Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asked. She was leaning back on the throne bearing her mark, her back hooves up on the table.
“Of course it is,” Twilight declared happily. “This may be our first meeting, but it’s the first of many. You’ll be glad that we established the proper procedure for all this early on, believe you me.”
Twilight turned back to Spike and urged him to rise with a wave of her hoof.
Spike rolled his eyes and stood on his throne and cleared his throat. “There are no minutes to be read.” He sat back down.
“Thank you, Spike, very well done,” Twilight praised him with a clap of her hooves.
Spike rolled his eyes again and took a seat. He knew she wouldn't start the meeting until he was ready to take down the minutes, so he made a show of checking a watch he wasn’t wearing and jotting down some notes in a hardbound ledger.
She turned to address the rest of the council, her smile wide and proud. “First order of business: is there any new business?”
Applejack rapped her hoof against the table. “It’s all new business, but settin' that fact aside, I’m just wonderin’ what all we’re actually supposed to be in the business of.”
“Really, darling,” Rarity said, chiming in. “You still haven’t told us exactly what we’re supposed to be doing with…” She lifted her hooves and gestured around vaguely, indicating that she was talking about the entirety of Ponyville Castle as much as the one room they were in. “…all of this.”
“Um, I don’t think anypony means to sound like we’re ganging up on you, Twilight,” Fluttershy said, “but I’d like to say that I’d also like some clarification, if it’s not too much trouble, about what our plan is. I mean, it’s a little silly to hope that we trigger some kind of arcane mechanism that reveals a magical map that points us in the direction of friendship problems all over the world, leading us on some sort of extended adventure that takes us away from Ponyville even though we’re kind of the entire government leading this new kingdom.”
Fluttershy turned away with a blush, hiding behind the thick curtain of her hair. “Unless that is the plan, in which case, it’s not silly and yay plan,” she squeaked near-silently.
“I agree with Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash declared, causing her fellow pegasus to chirp like a titmouse. “That would be stupid. What we need is a plan. Something other than sitting around waiting to clean up one of Princess Celestia’s old problems.”
Twilight’s ears flattened against her head. “Hey, what was that about Celestia?”
“You gotta admit, Twilight,” Spike said, tapping his quill point against the mostly-blank pages of the open ledger, “most of the things you girls deal with do seem to be just old messes of Princess Celestia’s that she swept under the rug and pretended didn’t exist.”
“The princess has never done that!”
“One time when I was a filly, I had this big book report due over the summer,” Pinkie Pie began, “I didn’t want to do it because it was super-dee-duper boring. So I went into the basement and dug a hole and buried the worksheet so I wouldn’t have to do the assignment – out of sight, out of mind.”
Twilight shook her head in disbelief at the complete non-sequitor that Pinkie was throwing at her. “Pinkie, I don’t see what that has to do with—”
“Princess Celestia is me,” Pinkie Pie explained. “In this story, I mean. I mean, I don’t mean that Princess Celestia and I are the same pony, like maybe I’m the princess wearing a disguise, or maybe you were expecting Celestia but it was me, Pinkie Pie, or maybe I’m a Changeling and I’m both of us… I meant like, she’s me in a metaphoric sense more than a metamorphic one.”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” Twilight shouted, her good cheer evaporating quickly in the face of what she no doubt saw as spurious accusations by her inner circle against her beloved teacher. “I learned everything I know about homework from Princess Celestia! She’d never do something as… as outright irresponsible as stuff a problem into a basement somewhere and stick her hooves in her ears hoping it’d go away!”
A loud bang silenced any further discussion, drawing everypony’s attention to the back of the chambers, where the once-smooth and seamless crystal floor had swung upwards to reveal a trap door concealing a staircase leading below ground. A light, happy tune drifted up through the hatch, hummed by a strong, masculine voice, and accompanied by the light jingling of bells.
A stallion emerged from the trap door, an open book levitating before him in a brilliantly golden field of magic. He cantered towards the chamber entrance, taking care to step around the thrones and table, paying no heed to the six confused mares and one befuddled dragon.
The strange stallion stopped just short of leaving the room, paused, and snapped his book closed. He spun around, the bells hanging from his blue cloak and matching hat – stitched with a motif of stars and crescent moons – jingled as he turned. He raised an eyebrow and stroked his long white beard.
“What are you all doing in my home?” Starswirl the Bearded asked.
Spike barely registered the sound of Twilight hitting the ground when she fainted, and – rather than check to see if she was okay – opted to join the rest of his friends in continuing to gawk in disbelief at their guest.
She was probably okay.
* * *
“Where is he!?” Twilight demanded as she shook Spike by his shoulders with a mad-mare's strength.
“Twilight, calm down!” Applejack shouted, quickly rushing forward to pry the poor dragon from Twilight’s clutches. “Givin’ Spike Shaken Baby Dragon Syndrome ain’t gunna solve nothin’!”
“That was Starswirl!” Twilight exclaimed as she spun around to face her friends. “Starswirl! The Bearded!”
Spike took a deep breath and grabbed onto Applejack to try and steady his vision. His friends were all wearing faces that showed a mixture of confusion and worry for Twilight – except for Pinkie Pie, who wore a happy grin that would have been suspicious given the circumstances, were it worn by anypony else. Judging from the way Twilight’s eye twitched whenever her eyes drifted over to the smiling pink pony, she probably suspected that Pinkie’s grin was one of smug satisfaction that her point had presumably been made. To Spike, it was just the same grin that Pinkie always wore. She was the kind of pony who was just happy to be included in whatever was going on.
“He said he was going to go looking for a sandwich,” Fluttershy supplied timidly.
“And none of you stopped him?”
They all just kind of glanced at one another and shrugged. A moment later, Spike felt a rumble in his stomach that preceded a loud belch and a fire-borne mail delivery. The puff of flame flared and disappeared quickly, dropping a scroll onto the ground at his feet.
“Oh, good,” he said, his voice still a little shaky from his shaking. “The princess wrote me back.”
“You wrote Princess Celestia?” There was clear relief in her voice as she picked up the scroll with her magic.
“Well, none of us knew what to do,” Spike said, “so we asked ourselves what you would do if you weren’t passed out.”
“Dearest Twilight,” Twilight began reading, “please just keep an eye on him. Maybe you could try to teach him the magic of friendship. Good luck. Your fellow princess, Celestia.”
Twilight rolled up the scroll, her face twisting up in consternation. “She underlined ‘Good luck’ three times,” Twilight said to the group, “and pressed down hard so it would bold.”
“Do you all maybe get the feeling that our dear Princess Celestia knew about this?” Rarity asked, voicing the thought they were all having.
* * *
The search for Starswirl had been a quick but frantic one. Spike had been in the third floor solarium when Rainbow Dash’s voice had echoed through the halls and summoned them all to the second floor.
He made his way downstairs and through the banquet hall, through the double doors leading into the large kitchen. Twilight didn’t really like their kitchen. She felt it was too large for their purposes, though Rarity and Pinkie insisted that, as Twilight became more accustomed to her new role as leader of a kingdom, eventually she’d be holding enough large functions to justify its size.
In the end, she decided to leave the kitchen up to Spike, since he was the one that did the majority of their cooking. Free to customize the space to his own sensibilities, he’d had the room immediately fitted with the latest appliances and conveniences. This choice seemed to be the direct cause of the curious scene he found playing out as he stepped into the kitchen to join his friends, who had all managed to beat him there.
Starswirl was leaning into the fridge, wiggling around with a vigorous tinkle of his bells and cursing as he tossed things out and onto the floor.
“What is this box and why have you brought it into my home?” he demanded loudly as he flung a jelly jar against the wall with a careless flick of his magic. “It is cold as ice on the inside, but I sense no magic coming from it.”
Starswirl slammed the door shut and ran his tongue over the smooth metal surface. “No magic!” he declared.
He spun around towards the girls and pointed an angry hoof at the mess he’d made. “And why are you keeping food in it? Why is this food not at the bottom of a pile of trash, so as to keep it warm and moist?”
Pinkie Pie, Spike, and Rainbow Dash all snickered. “Moist,” they all muttered in unison.
“It’s a refrigerator, Starswirl,” Twilight answered, casting a bemused glance at her three childish friends. “We keep food in it because keeping food cold keeps it from rotting, which is bad for food. Rotting cultivates bacteria and can make you sick. Also, the fridge runs on electricity.”
“Electricity!?” Starswirl bellowed angrily. “In a wizard’s house!?”
His horn glowed and the fridge disappeared with an audible crunching sound, unlike the simple pop of teleportation.
“Hey, that was new!” Spike protested.
“I care little,” Starswirl said. “I’ll not have this non-sorcery in the home I built with my own four hooves. Now then, purple-one, you seem to speak for the rest of these harlots, so I assume you are their procuress. I have no need of your stable’s services, so away with you all, I have much to do.”
Spike’s eyes went wide as Starswirl’s accusations sank in. Years of infatuation had given him an almost preternatural sense about the things that would set off his beloved Rarity, and he could practically feel the hackles rising along her back. He wasted not a second in leaping forward and wrapping his arms around her barrel, holding her back as she attempted to lunge at the elderly sorcerer.
“What did you call us!? What was that!?” Rarity demanded furiously.
As soon as Rarity’s shriek pierced the air, his other friends – minus Fluttershy, who was clearly frozen in embarrassment – joined in the effort to hold Rarity back. She wasn’t as sporty as Rainbow Dash or as ‘rural’ as Applejack, but an angry Rarity was a strong Rarity, and he was glad for the help. At least she was too incensed to realize she had magic.
If Starswirl was afraid at all, or even dimly aware of the danger he was in, he didn’t show it. He was opening and closing all the cupboards, dumping boxes of cereal on the ground and stomping on tin cans filled with perfectly edible foods.
“What makes you think we’re prostitutes?” Twilight asked, having finally processed the fact that her idol had just called her a prostitute – or at least a madam leading a stable of prostitutes.
Starswirl somehow heard her over Rarity’s manic wailing and ceased his destruction of their kitchen. “Of course you’re all prostitutes,” he declared as he turned to face the group. He raised an arm across his eyes, averting his gaze shyly. “You’re all... indecent. I can see your Cutie Marks. Only whores would appear in the home of an unmarried stallion in such a state.”
Rarity’s struggles ceased abruptly. “Oh!” she declared, blinking owlishly as she came to some realization. “Ohhhh! That… that makes sense, I think.”
“What does?” Spike asked. He was still clinging to Rarity, despite the fact that Pinkie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash had already released their grips on her – purely for safety reasons, of course.
“Mares who weren’t wearing clothing of some kind used to wear decency-veils over their Cutie Marks while in public,” Rarity explained. “It was the height of scandal to show a gentlestallion your Cutie Mark unless he was your beloved. Though, that particular fashion died out around eight-hundred years ago.”
Starswirl lowered his hoof and balked at Rarity’s words. “What? What was that about eight-hundred years?”
“I’m afraid there’s no gentle way of breaking this to you,” Twilight said with as much understanding in her voice as she could muster, “so I’ll let Rainbow Dash blurt it out.”
Rainbow Dash grinned. “You’re in the future, stupid!”
* * *
The entire lower floor of the new castle, minus the Chamber of Friendship, had been hastily converted into a library to replace the one destroyed the previous week by the battle with Tirek. Twilight may have taken new duties as a princess of her own sovereign – sort of – township, but that didn’t mean she intended to shirk the responsibility of being Ponyville’s town librarian.
Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy had all left to attend to other business, leaving the rest of the group to deal with the temporally displaced wizard.
Spike sat at a table in the reading area, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie sitting at either side of him as he doodled up another game board on the blank pages of the ledger Twilight had meant for him to use to record the minutes of their Friendship Council meetings. She’d likely be mad, but it's not like there wasn't a whole crate of ledgers exactly like it up in the study. She wouldn’t notice anyway, seeing as she was sitting at the opposite side of the table, pretending to be engrossed in a poetic anthology.
At the next table over sat Starswirl, surrounded by a selection of books he’d pulled from the shelves after Twilight had given him the run of the library. How the supposedly bright stallion had managed to walk through the place to the kitchen without realizing what it was, was anypony’s guess.
Starswirl had been pretty adamant that they were wrong about him being in the future – almost violently so. He’d called them all scientists, and threatened to have them tried for non-witchery and burned at the stake. He’d only grown angrier at Twilight’s insistence that ponies didn’t do scientist-hunts anymore.
At a loss for what to do next, she had offered to let him check for himself by looking over the library. It was filled with history books and knowledge gathered over the thousand years since he’d left. There was the danger that he might just see it as ‘scientific trickery’, but Twilight assured them all that a smart pony like Starswirl the Bearded would see the truth of what he read, and realize that he was in fact in the far-flung future. She had insisted that he was, after all, one of the finest magical minds to ever live, and the breadth of his magical knowledge had been unmatched for centuries.
He also seemed to be something of an ass. At least as far as Spike was concerned.
Twilight, for her part, was faking at reading silently and casting furtive glances over the top of her book at the only pony apart from Celestia that she’d ever admit to outright idolizing. The look in her eyes betrayed the fact that she was desperately trying not to geek-out about having the most famous magical researcher to ever live sitting in her house, reading her books.
“Well then,” Starswirl said as he slammed shut the book he was reading. “Seems I am in the future, after all.”
“So you believe us now?” Twilight asked, closing her own book sending it back to its place in the stacks.
“Of course,” he said, grinning smugly. He levitated several of the books he’d skimmed through and held them up for the group to read. “All these books are all about me! Me and how wonderful I am!”
“I thought you were reading magic books, or like, history texts!” Twilight said.
“Priorities, girl, priorities.” Starswirl snorted as he admired a stylish, and fairly accurate, portrait of himself on the cover of one of the books. “One day, if you ever do something with your life worth writing about in the history books, maybe you’ll also be concerned about your legacy.”
“I’m an alicorn princess and I lead my own nation,” Twilight muttered through grinding teeth.
“Yes, and I know two more of those,” Starswirl commented flippantly as he sent the books zooming off to their places back on the shelves, “I, however, only know of one Starswirl the Bearded.”
“Okay, so now you know you’re in the future,” Spike said, quickly placing himself between the two ponies lest the exchange devolve into outright dueling. “Maybe you can tell us why you were in our basement?”
Twilight calmed visibly, her natural curiosity smoothing out her feathers.
“The last I remember of being in my own time, I was studying the magical crystal tree beneath the royal palace in the Everfree Meadow,” Starswirl said, fluffing his beard with his hooves to make it appear fuller. “It had very strange energies, and I believed I could lock them within a jewelry box to use as a source of limitless power. Celestia was assisting me and wished to study the prototype box. I allowed her, as I was working on a better one in the basement of my own wizardly fortress. Then I came up for a sandwich and you were all in my house – in the nude.”
“We found the jewelry box beneath the castle in the Everfree Forest – the meadow’s a forest now, by the way – and opened it,” Twilight explained, pointedly ignoring the jab about her bare flanks. “It was full of Rainbow Energy and the jewelry box turned into this castle.”
Starswirl sat in silence for a moment, visibly chewing on this information. “A forest, you say?”
“Um… yes…?”
Starswirl fluffed his beard more energetically, the bells on his hat jingling with the effort. “Yes, that makes sense. That ungrateful brat must have locked me away for a thousand years.”
“She does that a lot,” Pinkie Pie chimed in.
Twilight shot Pinkie a reproachful look but didn’t comment any further on it before turning back to the topic at hoof. “Why would she lock you in your own jewelry box for a thousand years?” Twilight asked.
“Because she’s an ingrate of a nag,” Starswirl said simply. “Little bratty princess said I was getting curmudgeony in my old age!”
“She… she locked you away for a thousand years because you had a bad attitude…?” Twilight asked.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Rainbow Dash added.
“It is fine,” Starswirl said with a chuckle, the ire in his voice slowly dying away. “A grand old prank. Starswirl the Bearded loves a good prank.”
Pinkie and Dash both perked their ears up at the mention of pranks. Spike laid a hand on each of their shoulders and shook his head, reining in their enthusiasm.
“Do Celestia and Luna still live in the old castle?” Starswirl asked.
“They live in Canterlot!” Pinkie said. She pointed a hoof at one of the tall windows along the wall, where Canterlot could be seen in the far distance shining beautifully in the afternoon sunlight.
“Oh, very nice,” Starswirl commented. His horn shimmered with golden magic for a moment before he dusted his hooves off like a showpony who’d just done something impressive. “It is done.”
“What is done?” Twilight asked, her voice slightly panicked.
“Worry not of the affairs of wizards,” Starswirl chided her. “It is done and that is all." He made a little shooing motion, as though he were trying to scare away a stray dog. "Now, all of you get out of my house.”
“But this is my house!” Twilight protested. “We unlocked the Rainbow Power box and the box gave us this abandoned castle!”
Starswirl wagged a hoof at her whilst clucking his tongue. “But it wasn’t abandoned, was it?” he countered. “I was inside the box, still living in the castle. I never left. You just moved in while I was in the basement.”
“We’ve been here a week, though,” Spike said. “How have we not seen you?”
“I told you, I was working. You future-ponies – and dragons, I suppose, that’s very queer that you’re living here, I might add – may not have ever heard this term before, but we in the Golden Age used to have something called a work-ethic.”
Twilight bristled like a porcupine. “I have a work-ethic!”
“Maybe so, but what you don't have is a home,” Starswirl chuckled, “so begone. This castle was built for the most powerful, most brilliant unicorn who ever lived. Only a mind such as mine is deserving of such a palace.”
Twilight was literally shaking with rage. Spike, fearing what two magically superpowered unicorns could do to his new home if this came to blows, rushed forward to try to settle the dispute.
“Then that’s Twilight!” Spike said, desperately hoping it could at least begin a dialogue that didn’t end with more insults from Starswirl. Maybe if he could convince the old unicorn that Twilight was his equal, they might be able to discuss the matter like civilized ponies. “Twilight became an alicorn by finishing your unfinished spell!”
“Lies!” Starswirl bellowed.
Twilight’s anger simmered down, her scowl flipping into a smug grin of self-satisfaction. “Oh, it’s true, Starswirl,” she said, gloating harder than anypony in the room had ever heard her gloat. She summoned a rolled up scroll, undid the lavender ribbon, and laid it out on the table with a slap of her hoof. “Read it and weep, you pompous old prig! Try not to get any tear-stains on my masterpiece!”
Starswirl lunged at the scroll and pulled it away. He mumbled to himself as his eyes darted rapidly over the formulas and incantations. “Mark of Destiny… carry the four… circumference of the planet times the mass of a goose-feather… Friendship!?”
Before anypony could stop him, Starswirl crumpled up the paper and stuffed it into his mouth.
“What are you doing!?” Twilight flapped her wings and was over the table in a flash. She tried to tackle Starswirl to the ground, presumably to force his mouth open and try to save the scroll, but the old wizard disappeared with a loud pop of teleportation and reappeared atop the table.
“You can’t tackle a wizard, fool!” Starswirl bellowed, his words heavily muffled by the spell-scroll in his mouth. Starswirl finished chewing and swallowed the wad of paper down with an audible gulp. “Your calculations are a joke. It’s balderdash and hokum masquerading as a solution to an arcane formula that I developed! Friendship isn’t magic, you twit, Magic is magic!”
Twilight was on her hooves and leaving little magical scorch marks on the floor where she was angrily stomping. “You don’t tell me what magic is, I’m the Princess of Magic and the Element Bearer of Magic!”
Starswirl flinched as if struck. He wobbled and pitched to the side, collapsing to the table with a jingle of bells and a groan like a dying walrus. “Ohhhhh, woe is Magic,” he crowed dramatically, a hoof pressed against his forehead like a wilting southern-belle, “to have fallen from such lofty heights that this mere prostitute could be the very Princess of the thing! If she is a princess, then I must be no less than a God of Magic in this dark age of science and loose mares!”
Twilight was ablaze with seething anger – literally. Little smoldering cinders were falling from her mane like bits of firey dandruff, and every breath released a small puff of flame from the irate mare’s nostrils.
“A contest!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she leapt into the air to hover above the others. She steadfastly ignored Spike shaking his head, drawing his claws across his throat, and mouthing ‘Shut up!’ in wide-eyed panic. “Let’s hold a contest to see who’s the better of you two, and the winner gets to keep the castle!”
“Yeah, a magic contest!” Pinkie agreed, jumping onto the table and vibrating with anticipation.
“I was thinking push-ups,” Rainbow Dash said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “but seeing some high-level magic stuff might be rad, too!”
“A contest it shall be!” Starswirl cried, rising to his hooves and refluffing his beard.
“Fine,” Twilight said with a nod. “What’s the first challenge? Long-distance teleportation? Fire conjuring? Turning teacups into rats and thereby creating life itself?”
Pinkie Pie reared up, standing upright and waving a hoof excitedly like a foal trying to get the teacher’s attention. “Oh, oh, oh! You should try to make aluminum foil that doesn’t hurt your teeth when you tear it off the roll! I use a lot of foil when I bake, but I don’t have any magic so I have to use my teeth to hold and tear things like that, but I also have a lot of cavities because I eat too much candy, and when I bite the foil it makes all the fillings in my teeth go bzzzzzzt and it hurts really bad!”
“Aluminum what?” Starswirl asked.
Twilight flew up and pressed her nose against Starswirl’s, laughing sharply in his face. “Hah, now you’ll see the difference a thousand years of advancement makes! Crafting a spell to overcome a galvanic reaction is foal’s play! Your antiquated aversions to science will be your undoing!”
Twilight was up the stairwell in a flash with Pinkie, Rainbow, and a cursing Starswirl right on her tail. Spike stayed behind, his mind still reeling at how quickly things had gone to pot.
This was a disaster. Sure, right now the contest was dictated by the whims and wishes of two harmless goofballs, but what about when Starswirl and Twilight really got going? Where would it end? Levitating the castle? Creating some sort of rampaging super-beast? Blowing out the sun and seeing who could relight it?
He had to put an end to this, and there was only one pony he knew that could do it. He picked up his pencil, opened the ledger to a blank page that he could tear out, and wrote a letter to the only pony that could come between two such titans of magic with their egos fully-stoked.
* * *
Spike sat alone at the bottom of the castle's front stoop. He kicked at the dirt path leading up from town, idly digging a little groove into the earth to pass the time.
The shouting from inside the castle had stopped a few hours before, but he still didn’t dare to peek his head inside. There was the danger that they might’ve killed each other, but it was also just as likely that they both simply passed out. Either way, he thought it best to just sit tight and wait for help to arrive.
He glanced up and frowned at the sooty, black stain rising up the wall from one of the fourth floor windows. The fire had gone out fairly quickly, but whatever they’d done in that room had left smoke billowing out for hours. At least he had a good excuse not to clean it up, seeing as he didn’t have any wings.
He sighed and went back to kicking his rut into the dirt.
Just as he was beginning to grow worried by the silence, he heard the creaky, wooden rumble of a cart going over rough terrain. He looked up and saw a large trailer moving up the road without anypony pulling it, though it shimmered in a bubble-gum pink aura, indicating that it was being controlled magically. The trailer pulled off the road and parked itself next to the castle, the aura fading as the Come-To-Life spell was cut. The door at the rear was kicked open and a short wooden staircase folded out.
“Behold, the Great and Powerful Trixie has answered the summons of her good friend Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie shouted as puffs of smoke and small fireworks emitted from the trailer to give her entrance a little pizzazz. She leapt off the steps and landed on the grass, her cape fluttering in a wind that wasn’t there as she struck a pose.
“Where have you been!?” Spike demanded as he got to his feet.
“What?” Trixie asked, clearly shocked by the less than welcoming welcome. “Trixie only received Twilight Sparkle’s letter yesterday, and traveled all night in order to get here with the greatest of haste. Why the attitude, and for that matter, why is she not here to greet Trixie?”
Spike nodded in the direction of the castle. “She’s in there, with Starswirl. They’ve been having some stupid magical competition since yesterday morning.”
“Trixie is sorry, but did you just say… Starswirl…? As in Starswirl the Bearded?”
“Yeah,” Spike said, rubbing his face roughly with his palms. “Try not to get all moony-eyed. The guy is an ass, but he’s really magical. Thank Celestia this contest of theirs hasn’t gotten out of control yet, but with those two, who knows?”
Trixie stared at the door, her jaw slack and eyes wide.
Spike snapped his claws. “Trixie! Focus! We need to stop this contest before one of them opens a black hole or something! Rainbow Dash and Pinkie were setting the terms for the contest, so we were safe for a while, but they got bored of that last night at around two in the morning.”
“What… what is Trixie supposed to do…?” Trixie asked.
Spike got behind her and began pushing her towards the door. The unicorn stage magician dragged her hooves the whole way.
“Go in there and just be your usual overconfident self,” Spike explained. “You’re the Great and Powerful Trixie, aren’t you?”
“Y-yes,” Trixie replied nervously. “Now that Twilight Sparkle is an alicorn, Trixie is again the Greatest and Most Powerful unicorn alive.”
“Exactly. Just get in there and say that.”
They finally reached the stairs, and Trixie began to climb them slowly. Spike could tell that she was still a little nervous, but she was recovering a little with every step she took under her own power. “Trixie is not sure how that will stop Twilight Sparkle and Starswirl the Bearded from fighting…”
“Right now, their egos are a massive inferno that threatens to sweep across the land destroying everything in its path,” Spike said. “Sometimes, the only way to stop a firestorm is to throw a stick of dynamite into the middle of it and let the shockwave blow out the flames.”
Trixie smiled, her confidence and self-satisfaction clearly back to requisite concentrations. “Yes, Trixie is dynamite!”
Spike resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he opened the door. A pair of chickens squeezed between them and ran off, presumably to freedom. There were scorch marks, pools of unidentifiable liquids, assorted animals, and a number of tic-tac-toe boards done in chalk on the once pristine crystal floors. At least the two mages had had the sense to push all the books against the wall and out of the blast zone.
They were in the center of the near-ruined library, down on the floor, sweat dripping off their bodies in rivers that pooled beneath their grunting forms. They were levitating off the ground, each glowing in their respective magical aura.
“Six-hundred and seventy-two, six-hundred and seventy-three…” Starswirl counted as he lowered himself to within a few inches of the ground before floating himself back into the air.
“Seven-hundred and twelve, seven-hundred and thirteen, give up, Starswirl, seven-hundred and fourteen, I’m way ahead of you!” Twilight taunted.
“Six-hundred and seventy-eight, this isn’t about speed, you insufferable harridan, six-hundred and seventy-nine, magical push-ups are about endurance!”
“Push-ups!?” Spike shouted. “Are you two for real!?”
“Magical push-ups!” the dueling wizards corrected in unison.
“Yeah, well you know who can do more magical push-ups than both of you? The Great and Powerful Trixie!” Spike waited for Trixie to chime in and start boasting. At her silence, he looked over and nudged her with an elbow. “Trixie, that’s your cue. Get all boastful on them,” he whispered to her.
Trixie didn’t boast, or even speak. She was too busy staring at Starswirl. “You’re… you’re Starswirl the Bearded…”
“Six-hundred and ninety-two, yes, what of it, you—“ Starswirl’s words died as he looked up and caught sight of Trixie. His concentration broke and he fell to the ground with a clatter and the jingling of his various bells.
“Hah!” Twilight crowed. She got back to her hooves and started doing a little jig. “I win! Kiss my hooves, Starjerk the Jerkbeard!”
Starswirl ignored her and pulled himself up from the ground. He walked up to Trixie and removed his hat, holding it against his chest. “Excuse my appearance, young miss, I was not expecting such a beautiful caller.”
Twilight froze, Spike raised an eyebrow, and Trixie blushed.
“B-b-b-beautiful?” Trixie stammered.
“Yes,” Starswirl said as he sat and wiped the sweat from his brow. “It’s wonderful to see a mare in these dark times with a sense of modesty. You’re wearing a very lovely cloak. And your hat? It’s resplendent.”
Trixie giggled foalishly. “Thank you,” she purred. She reached out and flicked one of the bells along the brim of his hat. “Trixie likes your hat, too. It’s got really nice jingly-bells.”
Spike and Twilight shared a confused look at what was probably the start of the strangest, most dry-heave inducing May-December romance ever conceived.
* * *
It was nighttime, a time when all good little dragons should be asleep, but sleep wasn’t just evading Spike this night, it was changing its name and moving to another town. He stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom, trying to ignore the ruckus drifting in from outside. The sound of creaking wood and the squeak of old, rusty suspension coils was bad enough, but the inconsiderate shouting was what was really keeping him awake.
“Starswirl!”
“Oh, Trixie!”
Spike grabbed the ends of his pillow and held them tight against his head in a vain attempt to drown out the sound of passionate lovemaking emanating from the trailer parked on their lawn.
“So great!”
“So powerful!”
Spike climbed off the bed and waddled into the hallway, his pillow tucked under one arm and a blanket trailing behind him like an extra-long tail. He went across the hall to Twilight’s bedroom and opened the door without bothering to knock.
“Huh, what’s that!?” Twilight shouted as she sat up in bed. She pulled off her sleeping mask and glared at Spike. “Spike! What’re you doing? You broke the silencing charm by opening the door.”
“I need to sleep in here,” Spike said simply. “I know I have my own bedroom now, but I can’t sleep without the silencing charm, and you need to be in the room to keep it up in your sleep, right?”
“Look, they’re not that bad, and it’s your fault for getting Trixie mixed up in this,” Twilight chastised him.
“I am the greatest unicorn who has ever lived!”
“No, Trixie is the greatest unicorn!”
Twilight grimaced. “That’s… that’s still not that bad…”
“Call me Twilight Sparkle!”
“No, call me Twilight Sparkle!”
“Okay, get in here, already!” Twilight shouted as she slapped her hooves over her ears and began casting the spell.
* * *
Princess Luna opened the door to her sister’s private study and poked her head inside. “Sister? Are you in?”
In the far corner, surrounded by books, Celestia sat reading by candlelight. “I don’t wish to be disturbed,” Celestia said dismissively.
Luna frowned and let herself in. “Sister, our subjects are worried about you, and so am I,” she said in concern. “This is the second consecutive day that you have refused to convene the Day Court and everypony is beginning to wonder if something is amiss. Are you unwell?”
“I’m fine,” Celestia insisted, her voice a little sharper than usual, but not so much that anypony would pick up on it if they didn’t know her very well.
“Really,” Luna said with a huff. “This is beyond the pale. I do not know what is bothering you but you cannot sit in here sulking about it. At least come and talk to me.”
“No,” Celestia said.
Luna waited for Celestia to explain herself, but she knew it was pointless. Her older sister could be remarkably mulish when she wanted to. She opened the door a little wider and pulled a tea trolley into the room. She closed and locked the door.
“At least join me for tea and cake,” Luna pleaded.
Celestia’s ears waggled excitedly at the mention of cake, but quickly folded back against her head as though nothing had been said.
Luna smiled, knowing that the fish was now on the hook. “Do not be so pouty. Come, look, it is a birthday cake with your face on it, and it is not even your birthday! Such luxury!”
The cart was immediately enveloped in the brilliant golden glow of Celestia’s magic.
“Oh no you do not,” Luna growled as she cast a counter spell that stopped the cart. “If you wish to partake of the face-cake, you must get up and walk over here to eat it with your sister.”
There was a brief struggle, but the two alicorns were at a stalemate. Celestia had looked up from her book to concentrate on the battle, her neck craned around to glare at her sister over her shoulder. Finally conceding that she couldn’t win the tug-of-war over the tea trolley, she stood with a heavy sigh and walked across the large, elegantly decorated study.
Ppppbbbbrrrrttttt~
Every step Celestia took was accompanied by a loud, wet-sounding fart.
“That’s not me!” Celestia declared. “It’s just a sound spell!”
Celestia’s protests were drowned out by the sound of farting and Luna’s howling laughter.
* * *
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That was incredibly stupid. I'll let everyone else decide what kind of stupid.
You were already on the way to earning a like from me, but this line made me stop reading, up thumb, and comment:
“Yes, and I know two more of those,” Starswirl commented flippantly as he sent the books zooming off to their places back on the shelves, “I, however, only know of one Starswirl the Bearded.”
Well played.
--Spade
This is what Starswirl should be like.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
So erm... Trixie fucks 800 yr old men.. Well at least she ain't fucking Snips and Snails so it ain't that bad!
There MUST be a sequel to this story!!!! Please!?!?!?!?
Rainbows line
Raritys reaction?
Those last lines line ?priceless!
th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2015/050/9/3/spike_rarity_splash_by_hillbe-d8iq6be.jpg
This story was a laugh riot ! Well done!
That was the shit. And I don't say that often. I think its the second time I ever say it in written form.
This fic was perfect.
Pretty damn funny.
Starswirl the Jackass was amazing, and I want to see this done more. I also really like how Spike was trying to play damage control the whole way through.
This line is made of win.
If proper procedure involves going through a bunch of motions while not actually doing anything then...
Wait!
Isn't that what Congress does already?
As GOP, I must say that Murphy's Law is figuratively, literally, AND metaphorically attached to you. Very attached.
You'll be proven wrong quite quickly!
Get?
My dear Rarity!
If you're only getting the feeling, something is wrong with you!
You must go see my good friend, Doctor Whooves!
Don't worry! He has no license in psychiatry, but he does dabble in it!
...
I can't even make a "That Logic" joke.
I'm sad!
WHY!?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC!
(1) Which isn't going to be very much.
(2) Entirely too happy in destroying the dreams of a stallion unicorn that is displaced.
WHP DAMN IT!
WHY IS STARSWIRL THE PONY EQUIVALENT OF A CHRISTIAN ZEALOT DURING THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS!?
He's not a donkey. Technically, he could transfigure himself into one, but the point is dulled at that point.
Twilight is an alicorn.
Legend has it that there is a dragon imprisoned in time and space.
He was deemed to be the most useful assistant forever and wars were fought between a white unicorn, a white female unicorn, and a purple alicorn for his assistance.
By mutual discontent of the ones fighting for him, he left.
He now works in a time and place far away. No one knows where or even when it is.
Simply know his name is...
SPIKE!
Indeed!
Let us watch another DBZ-esque showdown!
Spike the dragon also was completely done with all the BS he had to deal with around here.
Which was why he left.
Somebody needs to make a love story of this.
PICTURE THIS!
Trixie loves her teacher Starswirl. Starswirl does too! But they're teacher and student!
Was it meant to be?
Spike is the glue that keeps everything sane and rational around here. If Discord took him out, everything would go to hell.
Everything may still go to hell, because he is this close to done with this BS.
HERE IS A LIST OF ALL THE MOST ROMANTIC MOVIES! REPLACE WITH TRIXIE AND STARSWIRL!
To Spike!
BEST DRAGON ASSISTANT EVER!
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/178/2/0/spike_meme_cup_of_____by_grumbeerkopp-d552y6p.png
Wait. That's his coffee mug in the mornings.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMDYvMjEvMThfMTZfMTZfNTQ2XzE0MjM1X19zYWZlX3NwaWtlX21lbWVfZ2FyYmxlIl1d/14235__safe_spike_meme_image-macro_dragon_swag_garble_female-dragon.jpg
GO GET 'EM DRAGON!
Technically, time didn't forget him you know...
Yes.
Finally.
The fiction the world needed right now. Sweaty Starswirl Lust, all over.
This is an excellent story.
I read Starswirl as Sean Connery.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c8/SeanConneryJune08.jpg
I love the idea of Starswirl as an angry old man, it was wonderful, and the Scientist-hunt part was great.
A fart prank. Glorious.
I've no doubt Twilight would have beaten Starswrill but this result was much more satisfying :P
Jerkswirl is the best 'swirl. Forever.
Most hilarious!
And please tell me this is a Futurama reference.
Whoopie's Charm Of Phantom Flatulence!
(It's #236 in Starswirl's Collection Of Common Cantrips.)
Oh, this has potential beyond a one shot.
That was fucking hilarious.
This becomes even weirder (and yet somehow makes more sense) for those who believe that Trixie is one of Starswirl's descendants.
Good work on the... solution? Spike...?
Brilliant.
... any chance for a sequel? .-.
I have always thought Patrick Stewart would make the perfect Starswirl, especially if he runs up against the freshly reformed Discord. That bit of fantasy casting is so ingrained in my noggin that I could hear the mellifluous voice of mon capitane as I read this fic.
Glorious.
5790795 I couldn't resist... I watched it all... all two parts. It was terrifying
I've been waiting so long for Twilight to say something like this.
i.ytimg.com/vi/GD6qtc2_AQA/maxresdefault.jpg
5792955 I hope you know that you have now ruined the plans that I had today because I know need to watch this guy and his incredibly stupid but somehow humorous reviews. maldición to you
5792643
Genius. I think I might actually start watching the show for that kind of match-up.
5791446 Next time, it would be nice if you put all your comments into one comment. Otherwise you create unnecessary clutter (and a flood of downvotes for what might otherwise be an insightful post).
What the heck happened to the comment section here?
Ewwwww..... Old guy on young mare action.
But I was rolling.
Excellent from start to finish. Starswirl needs to be put back in the box. Or he should become faculty at Unseen University.
LMAO, bitching about the magical map...
I will be COMPLETELY unable to take that plot device seriously in Season 5.
[\sincerity] I thank you so much for that.
Uuuhhhhhhhhhhhh... well, that was something? XD
20/10 that was amazing.