This is my first story. I hope you enjoy it.
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This is a fanfic inspired by The game: World In Conflict
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In this story Rainbow Dash is an Colonel and needs to throw back the russian [Griffion] offensive, follow her on this mission. There might even be a love story...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Right off the bat, get rid of these descriptions; your task is to write these instances well enough for the reader to understand what's going on without needing to describe how it's being said (besides within the narrative, of course). By the way, those 'things' are called quotation marks and they are used (in most cases) to indicate that someone is speaking.
Upon reading, it is abundantly clear that you are a beginner; to that end, I recommend a good proofreader to clean things up. I also recommend that you go and do some real reading (and I don't just mean fanfics) to learn how to write. It's not just a matter of scribbling down whatever idea comes into your head without putting any thought into execution; those rarely go well. Your task is to expand your mind, study good examples, and learn from that experience. Good luck, kid.
Nice I like the beginning of the story and hope that it continues ^.^
It's your first fic, so I'd normally be nice. But there's no way to sugar coat this: this fic is a mess, and can barely be considered a story.
The most glaring flaw is the writing: the English is weak, flawed, and incomprehensible in some sections. Misspellings are rampant. Your punctuation is nonexistant save for quotation marks. Some of your syntax seems to be confused. You're spelling letters in the military alphabet in phonetics instead of their actual names ("Dell-tah" = Delta, "Brah-voh" = Bravo, "Hoh-tel" = Hotel, "Eck-oh" = Echo). And put it all together, and your writing is just plain difficult to read.
The story is written at a 4th grade level. I apologize if English is not your first language, but realize that English is the primary language of this site, so competency- if not fluency- is expected.
Secondly, this story is nearly entirely dialogue. It's like watching a war movie, but only experiencing it through its subtitles. Stories do more than just tell us who is saying what: they show us what's happening on top of the dialogue. Don't gloss over action or assume that the reader will naturally see the action you imagine in your head. You have to show us what's going on in your writing.
Honestly, I would suggest that you read more books and study more English. You need a solid understanding of the English language before you can start writing, and be able to naturally write complete sentences at the least. After you accomplish that, and you still want to write a story, I suggest you read over FIMFiction's very own Writing Guide: http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide
5791790 I appreciate the help and I will try to use it, but there is one thing you got wrong: I actually putted much thought into the story before uploading it.
5792508 First: I thought using the phonic would be right instead of the real names, If it's making it difficult to read I will edit it, second: ever watched: Saving Private Ryan? that's why I wrote it like that someone is telling the story to someone and I'm just putting it into the action that happend to that time. And Third: Yes English isn't my first langauge.
5792520
I think that replacing the phonetic spellings with the normal spellings would make reading those words a lot clearer. People usually don't read in phonetics. The sen-tenss be-cums qw-eyet diff-i-cuhlt too reed uth-er-weyez.
I can see your reasoning for using it if you're using a film as reference, but remember that film and text are very different mediums that require very different forms of communication. In a film, audio does not distinguish between different letters in a word being said, only the sounds that make up the words (the phonemes that make up phonetics). But in writing, it's essential that the reader know what the word is, and thus the words should be spelled out as they would normally; no one knows nor cares how the word is pronounced, and attempts to convey pronunciations can be troublesome (that's why no one should phonetically write out Applejack's southern drawl. It gets confusing really fast).
And for the record, I do believe that even the subtitles in Saving Private Ryan actually use the telephony spellings of the military alphabet, nor the phonetic spellings.
5792550 Yea, I just edited it.
Wow this is getting intense
[youtube=bjW3kMNaW2o]
Alright, this can use a bit of work.
The previous viewer already said much of what I was already going to say about the grammar and structure of the story. Also, the pacing is too fast, making it difficult to comprehend what's going on at the moment; actions happen too instantaneously to be immediately comprehensible.
Furthermore, there are a lot of military inconsistencies present, such as from Chapter 1; 15 divisions is a huge number, and in modern military operations, it would be largely illogical to commit such a force to a target as small as a city. I could go on with the reasoning, but I'm trying to keep this review short for the time being.
I can try to help with editing if you wish. Feel free to message me
5794671 I know the numbers are a "little" illogical, I don't even know why I use that big numbers, I guess it sounds more awesome or something, it's just normal for me, And if you think that are big numbers wait till you saw chapter 5.
P.S. The russians use that big forces on small towns because, there are only two ways into russia (Atleat that's what I get from the map I use.) one way is the town that Rainbow Dash attacks and the other is though China.
looks like dash can speak well right now huh
This is getting exciting
Is this a soarin dash? I'm not sure. (Before I read the story)
I'm curious of wat twi and AJ are talking about redemption's meaning? Hmm…looks like they no something we don't
Enjoying the story so far
Russian offensive...What's with media nowadays in the "Western" and Russian? Before, it was German, now it's Russian...
And I'm not exactly fond of "'Murica fuck yeah" (A few jokes here and there is acceptable). 'Murica is hardly an utopia...or the good guy...(because of the goverment, really)...I haven't read the story...This is just my opinion on the things to avoid...The world as it is right now is hardly at peace. Political shitstorms are everywhere...Try to avoid going in too deep, it could kill the story before it even begin...
Also, from what I gathered, you need some sort of editor...
5830247 Dude before you give your opinions read the stories or at least the description, This story is from a GAME, I know the world ain't in peace and I'll be honest, I don't care cause world never was in peace.
5830531 True...and my tone is definitely not insulting so if ya wondering, no, I am not pointing fingers....
Just a bit of my opinion...also, from what i had gleamed, this is not a story for me.
Wow did dash just tell the plan…or is it a fake one hmm
Aww this chapter was so cute
……HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cool
Go equestria!!
I did not see dat comin :P
I really liked da story good job