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Law, And Sometimes Order2,181 words
Public Servants (or Enemies)2,359 words
Novelties And Knuckledusters2,271 words
What Seems To Be The Problem, Officer?2,241 words
You Have The Right To Get Loud Now2,968 words
Paranormal Activity2,802 words
Heeeere's Celly!3,575 words
Well, That Escalated Quickly5,827 words
When They Come For You3,536 words
Here and Gone Again3,486 words

Paranormal Activity

Cheers from the crowd on either side knocked the dazed stallion out of his fugue, confetti and flags as blue as the night sky soaring through the air under the setting sun. Dodge shook his head a few times to clear the last of the clouds from his mind. His partner walked next to him in perfect marching rhythm, her hoofbeats echoing his own as they trotted down Canterlot’s Unity Street. The unicorn’s eye caught his as he glanced around at the parade, and he could see the question there without her having to ask it.

You okay, big guy?

He snorted at the thought. Officer Dodge Charger, former Captain of the Guard and decorated veteran from the Day of Discord – not okay? Please. After all, he’d gone five rounds with a Skystalker wing of soldiers from the Griffin Empire during a minor skirmish in the mountains. The squad that had been called in to assist his team arrived to find himself, Steel and Dangle casually passing around a pipe full of Griffin spiceweed they’d pilfered from the unconscious heap of feathered flyers. He’d grappled a Timberwolf to the ground on a routine patrol of the Everfree’s edge and crushed it into a pile of kindling. He had even spent a week on a personal security detail for that ass of a noble, Prince Blueblood – the days were spent preventing state officials from attempting to murder the fussy prince, and the nights were spent preventing constant hit squads of ex-marefriends from trying to do the same.

All of these accomplishments iced over in his proud heart whenever he tilted his head to look at Princess Celestia. Her smile for the crowd was genuine, her quiet laugh and friendly wave sincere…but whenever her eyes met his, Dodge could swear he saw the telltale gleam of a predator’s gaze as it hunted. She hadn’t always been like this; at least, she hadn’t always been so vicious in her pursuits. Maybe the princess had given him the glad eye when he had started working as her escort, but he was fairly sure she never would have dragged him to the nightmare world of silk bedsheets and embarrassing rumors before Discord’s influence had changed something inside her.

Ugh. Discord. Months after the nation of Equestria had shrugged off the damage the Draconequus had done with wild and unpredictable Chaos magic, Dodge still felt disgusted whenever he thought about the insane creature. He was the one that had done this to the princess. Even after the bastard’s tangled weave of spells was broken by the Elements of Harmony – again – something had been permanently altered behind the Sun Regent’s eyes.

Whatever it was, it made Dodge jumpy just having to walk ahead of her. It was tough to watch the crowds for any sign of a threat and simultaneously juggle his paranoia over Celestia’s wandering eyes. The grey policecolt felt a little more secure having Princess Luna directly behind him, though. She was nearly bursting with restrained joy over the enthusiasm Canterlot was showing for her celebration.

Even though he hadn’t spent much time speaking with her while serving in the palace, Dodge held a lot of respect for the alicorn. She had always been polite and fair with his soldiers. He had heard that she trained her Night Guard of bat-winged operatives personally, so it was a good bet that she still knew how to handle herself during a fight. During his rushed “meeting” with Celestia earlier, Luna had even jumped to his aid under the pretense that she had several private questions for him about the state of affairs in Ponyville and the habits of some of the ponies there.

Dodge warmed up a little as he thought of the dark princess shooing him away from Celestia’s quarters with a wink.

“Thou must hasten away from Our dear sister, officer. She grows hungry in her den and We tire of her games. We will do Our best to distract her. Now run!”

Still confused about the brief conversation and thrilled to have made it out relatively intact, the policepony had jogged out of the palace with the sounds of muffled whining and the impact of ballistic down pillows behind him.

Cherry had been waiting patiently outside the gate, relaxing and listening to Lieutenant Steel’s rambling. The two soldiers spent a moment catching up in their own way before Dodge and Cherry had to leave for the parade’s debut:

“Howdy, L-T Cockholster. How y’been?”

“Just fine, Officer Stranger-Danger. They still don’t make mares your size in the boondocks?”

“Y’know, that’s funny. I just ran into your old flame Rarity this mornin’. Maybe I’ll run into her again tomorrow. Or tomorrow night. Maybe two or three times. Who knows?”

“C’mon, Cap, we both know she’s not your type. Too old, too attractive. Plus, y’know, she’s a mare.”

“Okay, first of all, buck you, Steel. Second, buck you with a fire poker.”

“Missed you too.”

The two stallions parted ways with a hoof-bump, grins plastering both of their faces. Cherry meandered alongside her partner with a deadpan expression on hers.

“We were just getting to the good part, you jerk. Couldn’t you deal with the princess for a couple more minutes?” He had passed her jab off with a dismissive shrug, and now here they were. The alicorn sisters behind the policeponies were gracing the crowds on either side of the street with greetings and smiles, and he and Cherry were doing their absolute best to keep the procession’s pace steady.

Unity Street wound through the bustling market center of Canterlot for a couple of miles, eventually running alongside the recently-completed Moonbeam Park where Princess Luna would perform her quiet ceremony and raise the largest moon anyone other than Celestia herself had ever seen. Pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies alike thronged along the roadside, sporting flags with Luna’s favorite constellations and cracking party poppers open above the princesses. Every few minutes one of the foals would aim a popper at the squad of Guardsponies trotting stiffly behind the sisters, trying to get them to flinch away from the stream of confetti and glitter. No such luck.

As they crept closer and closer to the gorgeous park in the distance, Dodge could just make out a new addition to Unity Street’s architecture: the road ahead split around a large and intricately-detailed fountain, cast from marble and inlaid around the edge with six bright gemstones. Rising above the pool of water in the center of the fountain was Discord’s frozen body, encased in another thousand years’ worth of stone from his second encounter with the Elements of Harmony. Where before he had seemed threatening or unsettling, the look of fear on his face as he was sealed away gave the statue a comical air. A few foals in the crowd were busy tossing peanuts at him.

Seeing the Laughing God covered in party streamers, confetti, and bird shit really did Dodge’s heart a load of good. Smiling despite himself, he almost didn’t notice the dull tapping noise in his ear.

“Hey, Cher’, ya hear that?” He scanned the area but couldn’t put his hoof on what was making the tap-tap-tap he kept hearing.

“Hear what? The cheering? Yeah, fun fact: it’s getting old. Let’s hurry and get to the park.”

“No…that tappin’ noise. Can’t you hear it?” She shook her head and returned to her job. Somepony had to keep an eye on the place while her partner was busy listening to the sound of crazy.

Tap

Tap-tap-tap

“…Is this thing on? Hellloooooooo?”

“What.” Dodge nearly stopped dead in his tracks, tripping up for a few seconds as he heard the unmistakable, unforgettable, impossible voice echoing inside his head. Apparently nopony else could hear it, which somehow made everything worse. He knew that voice.

“I’m haunting you.”

-----

“Oh, goodness, Dodge. You and your cronies are going to have your hooves full with her – believe me, I’ve read the fanfics,” Discord cackled madly behind the Captain. The princess writhed around on the ground wildly, all the colors of the sunrise bleeding from her mane and leaving nothing but bright, rosy hues of pink. “She’s much more interesting this way, anyhow. Honestly, she’s become such a drag over the past thousand years, and – hurk!”

Dodge’s metalshod rear hooves planted themselves firmly in the Draconequus’ stomach, forcing a splatter of blood out of the monster’s mouth.

“You…son of a…uuurgh.” The lord of Chaos doubled over and vomited on the marble floor, drooling slightly from the force of the blow. “…Captain, I think that’s the first time somepony’s laid a hoof on me since Luna split me in half with the moon all those years ago.”

Dangle looked up from Celestia’s shuddering body to hit the trickster full-force with her criminal lack of care. “The moon? Really?”

“It took her half a dozen tries before she hit me with it. Made a brand new ocean with her target practice; I think you ponies call it the Mareianas Trench these days. At least her sister had the sense to avoid throwing the Sun at me – augh, DAMMIT!” Another buck, this time to the face. Blood dripped from between Discord’s fangs, and he spat a few of them out on the floor before he could speak again.

“Fine! I tried to have my fun, but apparently somepony around here can’t roll with a couple of jokes. I’m off to play mindgames with those stupid mares getting lost in the hedge maze – they’ll let a god monologue as long as he damn well pleases. C’est la vie, adiós, good riddance, buck you.” He disappeared in a huff of magic, showering the trio of soldiers with glitter and sawdust.

The captain sighed in relief as the demon blinked out of existence. It felt good to get a couple shots in on the thing, but Princess Celestia needed to be taken care of before anything else could be done. He wasn’t even sure what Discord had done to her. She had finally stopped jittering on the floor as the changes to her body were made; her mane and tail were now completely pink, lacking the stripes of color and the otherworldly magic that caused her hair to flow like the wind. Pulling the heavy helmet from his head, Dodge set the piece of armor aside and stepped forward to check on the princess.

“Dangle, go ahead and help Steel out. He’s been wigglin’ over there for a while and it’s startin’ to make me feel bad. I’ll keep an eye on Her Highness.”

“Sure thing, Cap. Hey, Steel, you still kinkin’ it up over there?” She sauntered over to her teammate, who was still busy rolling around and trying to break loose from the rubber bonds around him.

“Your lips keep moving, Dangle, but all I keep hearing is ‘please punch me repeatedly in the face, Steel, please.’ Get me out of these things.”

The unicorn shrugged as she tried to yank the letters off of Steel’s trunk. With a roll of his eyes, Dodge returned his attention to the princess – or he would have, if she was still there. A sweet-smelling field of magic wafted gently to the empty floor where she had been laying, the telltale sign of a hasty teleportation spell. A crackling pop singed the air behind the captain.

“Ooooh, no. Leave the poor thing just like that. All trussed up for me and ready for fun.”

Princess Celestia, still resplendent without her magically flowing mane and field of angelic magic, was stooping over the prone body of Lieutenant Steel. Hunger laced her eyes; her smile had too many teeth. Even compared to Timberwolves, hydras, and the odd lesser demon from Tartarus, it was the most terrifying thing Dodge had ever seen. Dangle backed away reflexively, her eyes widening in shock.

“Hey, Princess…are you feeling alright? You look a little…off.” Sweat started to roll down the unicorn’s brow as she began dragging her bound friend away from the alicorn on a field of orange magic. Celestia’s left eye twitched erratically, and she licked her lips through her wide smile. Each of her hoofsteps seemed to echo through the empty hall. One by one, they brought her closer to her targets.

“I’m…fiiiiine,” she purred, “Thank you for your concern, Lieutenant. Now come here. I’ve got an itch I need you to scratch.” She winked. Dangle gagged.

Opting for the tactical retreat, the tan unicorn pulled Steel’s body against hers and popped out of Celestia’s path with an orange burst of sparks. Reappearing next to her captain, she set Steel down and looked to Dodge for orders.

Donning his helmet, the stallion kept a wary eye on the goddess’ half-lidded gaze as he whispered into his lieutenant’s ear. “I want you two t’ run. I don’t know what that freak did to the princess, but she’s got a nasty look in her eye and we need somepony who can figure out how t’ fix it. Take Steel, get those damn things off of ‘im, and get me a bucking arch-mage.” The cloud of levitation magic already lifting Steel was all the affirmation Dodge needed to know his soldiers would get the job done.

“Hey, Cap – you gonna be alright alone?” Her teleportation spell paused, the mare seemed genuinely worried about her princess…and her captain. She wanted to trust her leaders, but Celestia seemed all kinds of wrong and Dodge was just one earth stallion dealing with an immortal god-empress.

“Hey, it’s Princess Celestia. What’s the worst that could happen, right? Now get.”

Dangle grimaced as soon as the words left his mouth. “You just had to say it. Now you’re bucked. I’m getting as far away from you as I can. Stay safe, Cap.” In a burst of magical energy, she was gone.

Which meant Dodge was alone. With a potent combination of cosmic power chained in pony form and the terrible energies of Chaos. In hindsight, he noted that this was definitely not one of his better decisions. I hope those two get back soon, he thought to himself as he stepped confidently towards the smiling princess.

-----

In another part of the castle, far away from Captain Charger and the Chaos creation, Molestia, Lieutenant Dingle Dangle was having troubles of her own.

“That’s my invalid, you bucking mutts! Get back here!” The unicorn raced after a trio of Diamond Dogs, jumping over the busts and paintings they were tearing from the walls and pedestals in the art gallery as they fled from her with a frothing pegasus in tow. The dogs had ambushed her as she rematerialized outside of the Tower of the Elements, bursting out of holes in the ground and swiping the enraged pegasus from her magical grip before she could react.

As she pursued the creatures through the halls of the castle, Dangle could see the effects of Discord’s magic already at work. Servants and soldiers alike were in a state of mayhem, running in all directions from dozens of impossibilities. Griffin soldiers tap-danced on the ceiling, loosing crossbow bolts at random passersby as they moved to the rhythm of a jukebox that was slowly floating from hall to hall. And now three stupid canines had stolen her teammate right out from under her.

“Go away, stupid pony! We find flying pony, we have uses for him! Slow pony can’t keep up with dogs! Run, dogs, run!”

A proud sculpture of a noblepony in full regal dress, maybe six centuries old, sailed through the air past the tallest of the dogs’ heads and shattered against the wall with the force of a small bomb.

“It puts the pony down or else it gets the beating of its worthless life! Capiche!?” More priceless, vintage pieces of art shot from Dangle’s telekinesis spell like bullets from a rifle. Yelping in fear, the dogs burrowed through the marble and straight into the earth beneath, dragging Steel behind them and leaving the unicorn mare to stare at a rapidly-filling hole. The only trace of her partner that remained was a steady stream of curses that trailed off as the shaft into the bedrock closed. That, and the trail of wreckage from one end of the gallery to the other.

“…Well, buck.”

Estimated damage: 3,945,500 bits.

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law abiding pony

law abiding pony #1 · Jun 17th, 2012 · · ·

L-T Cockholster?

Really!?

you just had to do it at some point didn't you?

sonicx

sonicx #2 · Jun 17th, 2012 · · ·

i feel like some of this story is like a master card add...

Captain Literal

Captain Literal #3 · Jun 17th, 2012 · · ·

Sweet Celestia..... THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!!!

MisterMoniker

MisterMoniker #4 · Jun 17th, 2012 · · ·

759751
You learn some interesting insults in my line of work.

759757
myfacewhen.net/uploads/3723-cosby-wut.jpg

Wut

759913
Yes this pleases me

Captain Literal

Captain Literal #5 · Jun 17th, 2012 · · ·

760297 special unicorn mayo.lol

DeltaOsprey

DeltaOsprey #6 · Jun 17th, 2012 · · ·

I love the common knowledge Dangle has of the "It can't get any worse clause." Its always fun to see characters admitting that they know that as soon as it's said that things will automatically go from bad to what fresh hell is this.

Elitist Scum