What Seems To Be The Problem, Officer?
War. War never changes.
Captain Dodge Charger of the Equestrian Royal Guard, 78th Armored Company, had heard that somewhere before. He wasn’t sure whether or not war never changed, but it was comforting to know that something might as well be consistent around here.
After five years of stellar service with the Guard, Dodge had spent the last four months serving with a hoof-picked detachment of the finest soldiers in Princess Celestia’s military. As the sun slowly rose beyond the familiar windows outside the Princess’ bedchambers, he glanced side-to-side and checked to be sure his soldiers were in position. On his right, First Lieutenant Blue Steel shuffled his wings quietly and nodded back to him. On his left, the unfortunately-named Second Lieutenant Dingle Dangle preened herself in a compact mirror that she kept levitating in front of her face with a faint whine of unicorn magic.
“Dangle, it’s time. Put it away.” Dodge snorted and turned back to face the bedchamber doors. Blushing sheepishly, the tan unicorn tucked her mirror away under the breastplate of her gilded armor. Behind the three officers, four capable Sergeants of the Guard snapped to attention as the beautifully-carved doors leading to Princess Celestia’s bedroom slowly opened. Dodge bowed deeply as the Princess herself stepped through the doorway.
“Good mornin’, your Highness. The sunrise is as beautiful s’ ever today. Are you ready for breakfast?” Celestia raised a pure-white hoof to her mouth as she chuckled.
“Captain, ever with the flattery. Be careful whose work you compliment; they may just believe it. And yes, let’s all get something to eat before Court opens. Lead the way, my little ponies.”
Their beloved Princess stepped regally into the hallway as the two lieutenants and the four sergeants took positions around her. Dodge walked a step behind Celestia herself, glad he had put a smile on her lovely face so early in the day. He chanced another look out the window as the Goddess and her escort trotted towards the royal kitchens.
There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong today, the Captain thought to himself. The sunrise seemed to agree with him, lifting above the horizon and bathing everything in a warm, comfortable light.
Everything except the land directly beneath a strange, pink, cottony cloud formation in the distance.
-----
“I’m so glad you’re both here! My sister and I have been looking forward to this celebration for quite a while.”
Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, Harbinger of the Light and Keeper of Harmony, sat regally on a large, plush throne at the opposite end of the Grand Hall that Dodge and Cherry had found themselves in. Her younger sister, Princess Luna, Weaver of the Night and Dream-Mother, sat next to her and regarded the two policeponies with an appreciative eye.
Dodge only vaguely realized that the gigantic doors to the hall behind him were now locked.
His eyes were fixed on the Goddess that was now stepping down from her throne and sauntering towards them, her sister in tow. By reflex, his attitude flipped a complete one-eighty and he stood fast in a position of attention. His muscles solidified, his heartbeat slowed, and he focused his eyes beyond the Princesses and became, for all intents and purposes, another Royal Guardspony. Cherry tried to match his flawless form, but she couldn’t stay that still unless rigor mortis decided to set in.
Chancing a quick glance at her partner, she checked his pinprick purple eyes. Yyyyep. Behind the military exterior, the flash of terror still danced in his pupils. As the Princesses neared, Cherry could almost see something spark and fizzle out in the stallion’s brain; she knew he was dead to the world. She wondered if he was still breathing.
“Officer Cherry-Anne Berries and…retired Captain Dodge Charger…I’m very excited about my sister’s procession this evening. Are the two of you prepared to accompany us to the parade field?” Celestia had stopped her advance less than three feet from them, Luna hovering behind her like a shadow. The elder sister’s sunlight-infused mane danced through the air near Dodge’s face in a wind that wasn’t there, and her pristine white coat seemed to glow in the sun’s rays that reached through the stained-glass windows. She was the absolute picture of otherworldly beauty – aside from the growing smile that was spreading just a little too far across her face.
Cherry grimaced as the Princess’ smile began to reach slasher-grin levels. Reaching slowly for her breast pocket, she edged her camera out and took a quick picture. Celestia didn’t even notice, what with her silent staring contest she was sharing with Dodge. Luna had noticed the bright flash, though, and followed the angle of the camera lens to the white alicorn’s creepy face.
“Why, Officer…I find your sunglasses stunning. Purple suits you. You never did accessorize much while you were my escort.” The words flowed between the Princess’ flawless teeth.
Damn, you’ve gotta have some extra face muscles to hold a leer that long, Cherry thought to herself. Luna seemed to be a little more concerned, and gently tapped on her sister’s side.
“Dear sister...We would like to remind thee that Our preparations have yet to be finished. We would be most appreciative if thy guests would adjourn for the moment so that we may speak...” Celestia pointedly ignored her sister, nearly touching nose-to-nose with the grey policecolt frozen in an icy state of military bearing.
“Tia. Thou art scaring these fair guests. Thou art frightening Us. We have talked about this, Tia.” Luna’s mane, reflecting the starry night sky, began stirring around her and shifting to a slightly cloudier shade of nightfall. Her beautiful blue down seemed to darken subtly as her teal eyes narrowed. One of her pupils jittered and changed shape, becoming long, thin - almost reptilian. With a soft flash of light and a quiet click, Cherry snapped another photo. Celestia’s face shrouded over with the familiar mask of quiet serenity she was known for.
“I apologize, sister…thank you for your concern. Please, there’s no need to bring the Nightmare into this.” Princess Celestia nodded to her younger, increasingly frightening partner. Luna blinked, her eyes returning to their soft and calculating half-lidded state. Cherry blinked as well, out of surprise, and when her eyes opened again every trace of Nightmare Moon was gone. The Night Princess smiled genuinely at her and Dodge.
Quietly tucking the camera away into her pocket again, Cherry idly wondered which of the two would win in a fight – the closeted nymphomaniac or the schizophrenic shut-in. Whatever the case, it would probably be a kick-ass film. She made a mental note to bring a camcorder next time she was in the area and find a way to get some footage.
“Dear representatives of the fine township of Ponyville,” Luna began, “We thank thee for volunteering thy time and service for this evening’s festival, though We are truly sorry that thy initial impression of Us should be tainted by Our…less patient self. Please do not worry, the Nightmare is more of a tool that We use these days when things do not go Our way. Her spirit was calmed when the Elements tore her from Us.” She blushed in embarrassment.
“We should like very much to spend some time with both of thee and hear of the happenings in Ponyville. Perhaps after the ceremony?”
Aaaand that’s two for two on the crazy monarch scoreboard, Cherry thought.
“Absolutely, Princess. I figure Dodge here could use a drink or two after the parade’s over, anyway; poor guy’s had a tough morning. So – anything you need us to do before we get the parade started?” Cherry smiled brightly.
“We wish to speak with Our sister in private before we leave. Please relax outside until we are ready to depart.” Luna nodded and strolled away towards her throne, leaving a trail of glittering starlight in her wake. Celestia grinned devilishly as soon as her dark sister had turned her back.
“Officer Charger.”
“Yes, your Highness!” He practically barked.
“I’d like very much to speak with you in private before we begin, as well.”
“Yes, your Highness!”
“You remember where my chambers are, I presume?”
“Yes, your Highness!”
“Twenty minutes. Don’t be late.”
“Yes, your Highness!” Wherever Dodge was right now, the body in front of Celestia was vacant and running on autopilot. The unicorn beside him winced; he hadn’t heard a single word the Princess had said. Cherry looped a hoof around Dodge’s leg and began dragging him out of the throne room.
Once the policeponies made it back through the double doors, Dodge finally blinked. Looking around the area, he noted everyone in the vicinity: half a dozen guards, twenty or thirty servants running in circles, and Cherry. No princesses. He tried to inspect himself and see if any damage had been done in the last twenty minutes of fugue.
“Well, I don’t feel any more violated than I was. Guess I might’a been overreacting a little.”
Cherry slowly shook her head, no.
“…What did I do, Cher’?”
“You’ve got an appointment with Celestia in her quarters in…seventeen minutes. Don’t be late.” She swatted him on the flank, cantering down the grand staircase and as far away from the grey stallion as she could get. She could hear the massive windows rattle in their mounts as a scream tore its way through the castle.
“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”
-----
In another room of the palace, the alicorn sisters stopped their debate over parade details to listen. Celestia perked her ears up at the terrible, pathetic sound.
“What is that noise, Luna?” The darker of the two princesses shook her head and muttered something under her hoof.
“Nothing, dear sister. Just the sound of Ultimate Suffering.”
-----
On a summer morning, months before two policeponies would make their way to Canterlot Castle, breakfast with the Princess had gone off without a hitch once again. The royal chefs had even added a piece of angel food cake, drizzled with cherry liqueur and heaped high with whipped cream and strawberries; Celestia’s favorite treat.
Captain Dodge Charger had even seen the mysterious Princess of the Night at the breakfast table for a change. It was rare that she left her tower during the day, and even rarer for her to stay in the company of anypony but her older sister. She gave him a smile and a polite nod as she left the dining room to retreat to her darker corner of the castle after breakfast. He had felt himself smile back.
Once Celestia had finished her meal, Dodge and his squad accompanied her to the throne room so she could begin holding open court sessions for the morning. It wasn’t long before the first pony stumbled through the double doors, the orange pegasus gasping and panting for breath. Poor guy; seemed like he’d been flying for a while.
“Princess! Princess Celestia! These pink, sugary clouds are tearing Cloudsdale’s Cumulus Production line to shreds! The Rainbow Factory’s completely offline, and we have reports of cotton candy cloud formations moving across the plains around Fillydelphia and Ponyville! They’re disrupting local pegasus weather control formations and raining down-" he paused, checking his message to be sure what he was reading was correct. “…Chocolate milk. They’re raining chocolate milk.”
The Princess and her guards could only stare. Gulping loudly, the messenger continued.
“Yes, your Highness, it is exactly as stupid as it sounds.”
Without announcement or warning, a dapper-looking unicorn burst into the room and threw the messenger out of the way with a flash of telekinesis.
“Princess Celestia! The city of Manehatten is being attacked by wandering groups of ballerinas! And they’re all buffalo!” Behind him, an earth pony in an impressive furred hat barged through the doorway and tripped face-first over the unicorn. Dusting himself off, he barked a couple of words in a gruff foreign language before addressing the Princess.
“Your Majesty, the city of Stalliongrad is buried flank-deep in apple pies. We request immediate aid in clearing the pastries and the damage they’ve caused!”
There was no end to the terrified reports and hastily-scrawled messages pleading for royal intervention. As soon as one pony had relayed his message, another three would be forcing their way through the doors – and in the case of one uncoordinated grey pegasus, through one of the windows.
“Princess! We can’t hold them back any longer! The rabbits are overrunning our mills and stores of food! And they’re all taller than me!”
“Please, your Highness, we need help in Las Pegasus! Every slot machine in every casino is firing their reservoirs of bits at any customer in range! The whole city would be bankrupt already if most of the victims weren’t suffering concussions!”
“Oh, Auntie Celestia! Some filthy rogue has replaced the contents of all my hair products with…with lighter fluid! My gorgeous, golden locks are cinders!”
“ENOUGH!” The ivory alicorn bellowed through the rapidly-filling throne room, bowling several ranks of frightened ponies over with the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Captain Charger, gather your squad. There is something that requires my immediate attention…in the statue garden.”
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I am a liar and a cheat and I swear to God it will never take this long to get a chapter up again and you shouldn't listen to anything I say oh look at me it's a bucking run-on sentence now and I can't stop oh no heeeeeeeeelp
He's caught in a loop... Quick, someone hit ctrl + Break
But seriously, I just wanna say, this is awesome. Lets keep 'em coming
648014
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I am amuse. Wonder if the good doc will show up next chapter.
That last one doesn't have anything to do with Discord, of course; it's just a regular prank.
643336
You are adorable. Glad you liked the chapter. :D
648683
Oh, he just might. The next chapter was actually going to be part of this one; I just split it in half. It's pretty wild.
648973
Yeah, that happens to Blueblood all the time.
Ultimate suffering lol, I think Dodge would rather take his chances with discord.
the closeted nymphomaniac and the schizophrenic shut-in; yep royal inbreeding at its finest
Also
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651570
You're really, really going to like Chapter 5, then.
651596 The Doc and Iron will are definitely the best parts so far (followed by the princesses), but The whole thing is fantastic. I tried to find points that could use improvement to help you out but nope.
651614
I loved writing them. They'll be making several future appearances in the coming chapters. In fact, you might see the Doctor in the next one.
652109 with baited breath I await the next chapter.
652109>>652611
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Get a room, you two.
658356
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658356 BAHAHAHAHAhahaha its still to early for that. He'll have to wait for the 2nd date.
683243
I don't think you understand how happy this comment makes me.
659508>>683254 You two are slightly disturbing me. And just slightly disturbing, in general.
683459
Why do I have to be disturbing?
683511 Your a big, strong boy. Live with it.
683519
I'm going to go drink and cry myself to sleep now.
This story...my god...
it goes to eleven...
Ponyville 9/11
yes I have to type it here as well
685449
Bwohohohohoho
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685530
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The dream I had after seeing this was horrible
You had me at "Dodge Charger"
Is it me, or does Officer Berries first name spelled differently each time?
I quite literally facehoofed at the line "just Ultimate Suffering"
Niiiice... It's hard to pity Dodger... Getting to tap the royal plot.
At least... I HOPE so. Then again... She's probably got an insane libido.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I love what you did with Luna being able to, sort of control Nightmare. I've never seen anyone else do that, good job have a moustache
War, East never changes...
Wow, somebody's parents really despised them.
Cya
Raziel-chan