• Published 27th Mar 2015
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Ynanhluutr - Imploding Colon



A newly transformed Rainbow Dash continues her flight east.

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Now That Is a Big Door

“I'm sorry...” Revan took a few steps down the front entrance, his sleepy brown eyes affixed to the bounty hunter. “But if you're wanting to make business propositions, we have a dedicated area for that in the Dust District. So you'd best take your ass downstairs.”

“Oh ho ho no...” Bard smirked, tilting his hat. “I ain't got a mule for you.”

“No, I... tchh...” Revan turned and slurred at his associate. “Is he serious?” He swiveled back, pointing at the mercenary. “Are you serious?”

“Heh heh heh...” Bard's teeth showed in his smile. “Just breakin' the ice a bit, mister, cuz this here catch is gonna warm you up somethin' fierce!” He adjusted the weight of Echo on his flank.

“Please... for real...” Revan sighed, waving a hoof. “Don't dump your rotten meat on my front—”

Fw-Fwump! A twitching, bound-and-gagged sarosian collapsed to the floor before the Syndicate Boss' hooves. “Shazam!” Bard hollered, grinning wide. “And not a speck of guano on him! Now that deserves a ten percent commission, don'tcha think?”

Revan and the guards stared blankly. “Uhm... what... what is it?”

“Not a what!” Bard reached in. “But a who that I just know you'll fancy!” He ripped the gag off Echo's face. “Feast yer eyes—”

“Aaaaugh!” Echo immediately shrieked, his midnight coat exposed to the naked sunlight. The edges of his eyes turned red as he hissed, “Ya dayum cow humping hickatron—!”

“Whoops!” Bard legitimately grimaced, but covered it by flinging his hat over Echo's muzzle, both shading his face and muffling the sarosian's curses. “Eheh... not safe for the little ears.” He gulped. “Answers to the name of Echo. At first I thought it was a joke. 'Cuz... come on... a bat pony named echo?” Bard shrugged with a smirk. “Might as well have a haddock named 'glub,' ya feel me?”

“Hold on a second...” Revan trotted forward and lifted Bard's hat. He glared at Echo's scrunched face. “Well, I'll be. If isn't our bit-biting pissant gift from those Muddredging bastards down south...”

“Nice to smell you too, Revan,” Echo grumbled. “Burned any good books, lately?”

“I wouldn't make any burning jokes if I were you, ya leafy eared bastard.” Revan stood up—but not without shoving Echo's body even further into the sunlight.

“Gaaaugh!” Echo's fanged teeth glinted. “Come closer, Mr. Bosshole. I'll bite off your shriveled—”

Bard slapped his hat over the sarosian again. “Well, alright! Seems the two of you are already acquainted! How fine and dandy”

“I really wish that we weren't,” Revan grumbled. “But, regardless, his existence is rather valuable. Much thanks, stranger.” He whistled aside.

Two of the four guards stepped up, reaching for the bat pony's body—

Clak-a-CLAK! A metal staff extended, blocking the both of them.

Revan and the other two guards flinched, their eyes catching Bard's.

“Y'know...” Bard smiled. “...funny that you would mention how valuable this flyin' critter is to ya.” He arched an eyebrow. “Cuz I remember there bein' a bounty on his fuzzy head. Somethin' in the ballpark of... oh... five thousand bits?”

Revan stared at Bard.

After enough silent seconds had ticked by, Bard winked, his voice humming: “What, ya think 'cuz I'm a bounty hunter with a honey'd voice that I dun know how to count for nothin'?” He licked his lips and spoke in a colder tone. “Forgive me for bein' a mite bit forward, but from the look of things y'all could use a chance to prove that yer good at yer words.”

The guards fidgeted, glancing down the steps at the moody crowd still gathered behind Bard.

“Hmmmm...” Revan leaned back, smiling. “You're right, bounty hunter—”

“Call me Bard.”

“Very well, Bard.” Revan bowed slightly. “As a matter of fact, we do have a bounty out for this banal misanthrope.”

“Y'all just weren't gonna mention it unless I did.” Bard winked. “Weren't ya?”

“Well, you strike me as a stallion of generous persuasion,” Revan said. “For all I knew, you were going to hoof us over this cretin out of the goodness of your heart.”

Dead silence.

“Hah hah hah hah hah!” Bard laughed.

“Heh heh heh heh heh heh...” Revan laughed.

“Haaaah hahah hahah... whewwwww...” Bard leaned lazily on his staff. “Reckon we dun live in that world, eh, Boss-stallion?”

“No, Bard.” Revan took a deep breath, and his smile vanished within a single exhale. “We most certainly do not.”

“Glad we both agree on somethin'.” Bard's eyes glinted. CLAKKA! He retracted his staff, but not without tossing his hat up. The gesture made the guards flinch, reaching for their blades—until the hat landed neatly atop the mercenary's head. “Now...” He hoisted Echo back over his flank. “...how 'bout we agree on somethin' else?” He cleared his throat, lifting his chin up. “Professional and private-like.”

“Nothing...” Revan spoke out of the side of his muzzle while the rest of his jaw grinded hard. “...would give me better pleasure.” At the last word, he slapped his hoof down.

Two of the four guards nodded, and one galloped up towards the front entrance.

Bard's eyes trailed him. He casually yawned, and upon regathering his breath he let loose a lazy whistle into the air.


“That was it!” Twilight spun from gazing at the front entrance and looked at Rainbow. “That was the signal!”

“Does that mean he needs us now?” Rarity remarked.

“Girl, do you ever pay attention?” Rainbow Dash took off, flying high over the rooftops. “It's heist-time!”

“Shhh! Keep it down!” Twilight waved, eyeing the metal landscape blurring below. “Remember, you don't have to get in range! You just have to get Rarity and I in range—”

“Right.” Rainbow nodded. “Got it. Get ready girls...”

“Indeed...” Rarity took a deep breath, steadying herself as she watched the rooftop of the Syndicate Stronghold looming closer and closer.

“Aaaaaaaand...” Rainbow dove as fast as she could. “...zoop!”


“How in Verlaxion's name did you find the slippery little eel?” Revan muttered while he and Bard trotted up the steep steps towards the front entrance. “I had my... business associates scouring the alleyways for this nocturnal bastard for weeks.”

“Yes, well... reckon ya just gotta look in all the right ratholes,” Bard said with a smirk. “Sing into the air and listen for what hisses back, ya hear?”

“Oh, blessed Mother of Nightmares, save me,” Echo droned, glaring off into the distance. “What ever will my brothers and sisters of the moon do now that I have been sold into utter slavery...”

Revan shuddered. “Goddess... I forgot how insufferable his voice was.”

“Yeah...” Bard cleared his throat and slapped Echo's side with a flick of his tail. “...none too subtle, either.” A blue streak soared overhead and was gone within a second. Bard smiled without taking his eyesight off the front entrance. “But, if ya poke him in all the right places, I'm sure he'll sing for you on key.”

“First thing's first...” Revan gestured at the guard ahead of them.

The guard nodded back, then stepped behind a metal partition. There, next to the thick iron doors of the Stronghold, was an intercom system next to a numberpad. The thug pressed his hoof over a green button and spoke into the intercom.

“Day Old Spaghetti,” the pony spoke well out of earshot of Bard.


Inside the dimly-lit Stronghold, two guards stood side by side, armed with crossbows.

Next to the thick door behind them, an intercom panel crackled: “Scrkkk! Day Old Spaghettiscrkkk

The guards exchanged glances. One nodded, then shuffled over to the intercom. Holstering his weapon, he knelt down and pressed the green button. “Inputting,” he said.

As he leaned back, an unseen unicorn with a pale white coat phased through the wall, watching his every move. Rarity's eyes traced his hoof-movements. She blinked, smiling.


Directly outside, Twilight Sparkle floated next to the stallion as he inputted the same number code. After the six digits were pressed, a dull beeping noise echoed from the console. There was a buzzing sound, and then—

CL-CLANK! Hisssssss... The massive front panels to the Stronghold opened. It was indeed a slow process, spreading apart one foot for every five seconds.

Revan stood patiently, his eyes darting between his guards. Beside him, Bard whistled, shifting the weight of Echo over his flank. “...now that is a big door!” He smiled aside at Revan and the Syndicate Boss returned with a plastic facsimile of the same expression.

In the meantime, Twilight darted up in a lavender streak. She was joined shortly after by Rarity's body phasing through the outer shell of the Syndicate's tower. Up above, they joined Rainbow Dash, who was perched just behind the metal steeple that adorned the summit of the structure. Rainbow pressed her back tightly to the north side, and she lit up as soon as she spotted her two mare friends.

“Well...?”

Rarity arrived first. “The secret code word is 'Day Old Spaghetti,'” she said.

“And the code that they put in is 'Two – Two – Zero – Three – Zero – Four!'”

“That's right! Twilight's correct!” Rarity said, clapping her hooves together. “'Two – Two – Zero – Three – Zero – Four!' That's it exactly” The fashionista squee'd. “Oooooh! I feel so delightfully villainous!”

“Yeah, well, ride that high calmly,” Rainbow whispered, waving a hoof. “But, most of all, memorize it. Cuz my head's super goldfishy.”

“You can count on us, Rainbow,” Twilight said.

Rarity was looking down as Bard slowly entered the building with Revan. “Should we go now, or...?”

“No, we should wait,” Twilight said. “That's what Rainbow and her friends agreed on, after all.”

“It'd be super suspicious if we got the door to open right away,” Rainbow said. “Remember... it's gonna be two and a half minutes before two new guards take up the post. Let's get them to open it then.”

“And how do we plan to do that?” Rarity remarked.

“Don't worry. I've got a plan.”

“I just hope Mr. Wildcard is doing alright down on the Sixth Level,” Twilight remarked.

“Against so many nefarious cretins of the underworld?” Rarity gulped. “Oh... I do fear for the dashing griffon's safety!”


Verlaxion's Sleet, this place stinks,” a guard grumbled, waving off the rising steam from a nearby sewer gutter. He and three other guards stood before a grimy door at the dead end of a long, narrow corridor enclosed by aluminum shingles and sheets of compacted shrapnel. “First moment Revan breaks us all even, I'm asking for a post above ground.”

“Yeah, well, good luck with that, assmunch,” another grumbled. “Beggars can't be choosers.”

“Did you hear a word I said?! I said when Revan breaks us even—”

“You owe the ol' bastard over five hundred bits!” another thug spoke up. “He spared your stupid apartment, didn't he?”

“Hey! It was my worthless tart of a mother who made us move into the hit zone like a dumbass! How was I to know?”

“Then get yourself a new mother,” grumbled another guard.

“Yeah! Ha ha!” Another joined in, laughing. “I hear the chicks of the upper Dust District will even be your sister if you pay them right! Oh—wait! You're broke as rat crap!”

“Rrrgh... you guys are worse than the garbage...”

The chuckles continued—until a light scraping sound lit the air. The grimy quartet immediately jerked in place, staring straight down the corridor.

“Who goes there?!”

An avian shadow emerged from the murky darkness.

“Hey! Hey, bright eyes!Schiiing! One guard cocked a sharp barb into his crossbow and stepped forward. “This here's a no-tresspassing zone! Syndicate Rules! Now take your stupid beak and shove it!”

Wildcard came to a stop directly beneath a crooked lamppost that cast a sick yellow halo over the corridor. He chewed on a toothpick calmly, then looked up until his black lenses reflected four nervous faces. At last, with a slight flick of his tail, he raised his prosthetic up to the metal stalk of the lamppost beside him.

“Hey, what...” One guard pointed. “...what are you—?”

Wildcard's metal fingers closed tightly around the lamppost. Crkkkk! The thing crunched down the length, and sparks flew. Within milliseconds, every light within the corridor shorted out, casting the wide-eyed guards into darkness. There was a shuddering breath... two... and then—

“Aaaaaaaaah!”

“Gaaaaugh!”

“Verlaxi—!”

SMACK! WH-WHACK! CRUNNNCH!

Then all was silent and black.

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