I'm a 18 year old girl and Love Note is my OC. Oh, and i'm a gamer. :3
Dark Star was terminal and childless. Star was desperate for a son to take care of his wife after he passed away. He would do anything to get that. No matter what the consequences were.
Sombra was a well respected young stallion. He helped around the Crystal Kingdom, worked hard to support his mother after his father passed away, and loved Amber Leaf more then anything else.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This looks promising. I'll take a gander :)
First glance, and you already have the tense all inconsistent. For story telling, it's often kept in past, but present tense works too. You also have a part where it goes (..................... blah blah..") There's a double period. Use ctrl-f to find it. Also, I notice you're going way too fast. By reading you summary, I actually already know what happens here. In other words, I wouldn't say use flowery language, but please do describe the place. The pony. The feeling. The action and the reaction. On top of that, you're missing some words in your sentences.
Please do proofread the story. I wanna see more of this. I haven't seen this done often, and not many stories perk my interests.
I'm in full agreement with IceQB on this one. I absolutely love the premise and while the execution is a little rough around the edges, I think you've got some gold here.
I normally don't like first person perspectives, but in this case I think it works well for you. It seems to have helped keep your tenses from shifting and your second chapter is going at a more reasonable pace, though I might still make a plea for more description and the like.
tldr: I love what you've got here and I'm already seeing quality improvement from chapter 1 to 2. Just keep working on it and proof-reading it and I know you'll have one high quality, grade-A story here.
Cheers!