• Member Since 13th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 21st, 2017

ObeySaturnGod


Saturn's my name, writing's my game.

Comments ( 9 )

Ah, I've been wanting to see a good Rose fic for a while now, and it looks like I finally got just that. I really like the whole theme you have surrounding this piece. It's a classic take on a valuable lesson that most children really do eventually learn in their lives.

For your technicality; in the second paragraph you suddenly switch your perspective from Rose's mother to Rose herself, yet this isn't specified and leaves the reader to believe that we're still focused on the mother when its been established that she's left the room. I had to do a double-take to catch your meaning, but a simple edit of establishing how we've switched over to Rose would fix that easily.

Another small issue I have here really isn't much of an 'issue' at all, but a suggestion. The grandmother's dialogue, while powerful, seems a bit too 'poetic' for an elderly pony that's literally dying right then and there. It's a common trope that dying characters will give out speeches before they croak, yet here the achieved effect seems very jarring and unrealistic. You would achieve so much more raw emotion if you had the grandmother talk like a real person (or pony, in this case) rather than the wise Yoda archetype. This is prevalent with all of her dialogue, and it's near the end that you've seemed to iron out what the grandmother's character actually is. Flowery language can be good in small doses, but it's always a good idea to limit that to the narrative.

Stories like this are hard. I've been there man. It ain't easy, and for the most part you've done a damn good job. I would still suggest that you take another look at the grandmother character, but I suppose that's all up for preference. Good work. :pinkiehappy:

What a nice, touching story. Unfortunately, I don't have the patience to write a big long dissertation like NutGin above me, but really nice work. =)

very good, however, i feel thatrose is to short for a ponies name. there arent many one word name ponies, and those that exist have extravegant names. so may i suggest calling her rose bud, or rosepetal or even rose water, just lengthen the name a bit
p.s sorry about speliing, tablt keyboard quite awkward to use

574022

Rose is actually the canon name of the pony, she's not an OC of mine.

Im so happy I decided to throw this on my read later when I saw this uploaded last night. This was excellent. Ive always admired Rose in the show and this story just escalated that admiration. :twilightsmile:

very nicely done :fluttercry:

So beautiful...:pinkiesad2:

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