Applejack 3: Old Allies and New
Upheaval: Journeys
Applejack 3: Old Allies and New
It took Applejack a quarter of an hour to miss being on the Night Skimmer. It had taken her less that to be sticky with sweat that refused to evaporate, and pestered by a variety of flying insects. Having to constantly swish her tail about probably tired her out more than the actual walking.
Fortunately, they were still using a paved road, a rare thing in the Southern Barrier Land. They had passed several patrols meant to watch for both Ophidite spies and encroaching wildlife. It did bother her that an equal amount of suspicious staring had been given to Seshimyssen and her cutie mark.
"And here I thought everypony in the Legion was all gung ho about reunification," Applejack muttered.
"The ones now stationed at the Heartland maybe," Vanguard said. He walked beside her, his tail just as swishy. Applejack was starting to envy Seshimyssen's scales. "Some ponies aren't convinced that reunification will hold up. They think Princess Celestia will reach a breaking point over how much of the Barrier Lands is entering the Heartland, and will reverse her position. We've recieved reports that some ponies closest to the borders don't even believe that the barrier has come down."
"That's horse apples," Applejack snapped. "Okay, the Princess made a horrible mistake, but she ain't some wishy-washy pony who'll change her mind at the drop of a hat. Why, if anything, we know that, once she makes up her mind, she'll stick to her decisions as hard as she can. And why wouldn't they believe this is happening? Don't they believe the Legion?"
"You make a fair point," Vanguard said. "But that's easier said when we've had front row seats to everything that's happened. For a typical legionnaire who's spent his life by the edges of our realm, it's not so easy to swallow so many fantastic changes. Even if they're told or shown, it takes time to adjust. And it takes time to hope that things might be getting a little better from now on."
"You ponies and your doubting," Seshimyssen said. He slithered a few feet ahead of them. Applejack didn't like that he was taking the lead, but she did like keeping him in her sight. "Imperial citizens question the Emperor's word at their peril. No dissensions, and certainly no riots."
"Of course there aren't any," Applejack retorted, "if you're all slaves to your Emperor. I'll take doubting any day."
Seshimyssen answered only with that fanged grin of his. Applejack couldn't quite tell if he was just joking around about the Empire that didn't want him to begin with. They passed some time in silence, and, to Applejack's dismay and non-surprise, they veered from the main road to a narrower path. Ervan Reis was still a long way off, but the main road twisted and turned to stay on good level ground. The smaller paths were rougher, but faster.
After a while, Vanguard sidled closer. "How are you feeling?" he said softly.
Applejack held out a muddy trampler-fitted hoof. "Not so bad," she said cheerily. "Shucks, Vanguard, I've trekked harder than this."
"I mean is being here helping you?" Vanguard asked. His tone remained soft, and the serious look in his eyes suggested that she follow suit. "Any odd feelings or premonitions?"
Applejack looked around her, as if the answer could be found among the trees and bushes. "No," she said, just as softly. "Maybe I need to get some sleep. That's how I usually get these things."
Vanguard looked towards the canopy, but otherwise said nothing. The interlocking branches allowed precious few rays of sunlight to reach them. The beams that filtered through were still a nice, golden hue. Night was still a few hours of trekking away. Hopefully, they'd be staying somewhere secure by that time. Bog Light's descripitions of the Southern Barrier Land's nocturnal wildlife were rather lurid.
And the hours did pass. Applejack could only tell through the increasing ache in her legs. The soft ground sucked her hooves in with each step. There were probably three varieties of burrs trapped in her mane and tail, and just as many bugs smeared under her tramplers.
"Ponies," Seshimyssen suddenly whispered harshly. He raised a hand to signal a stop. Frowning, Applejack crouched low on instinct. She had her hooves on her chain by the time she looked towards whatever Seshimyssen was looking at. Vanguard had drawn a single, broad-bladed sword, the same type as southern legionnaires wielded, and crouched close to her.
Seshimyssen was pointing to a group of rustling bushes at a distance. A closer look revealed two, slow-moving, pony-shaped figures. One of them looked like he was carrying a large load. "What is it?" Applejack asked. "Another patrol?"
"Patrols don't usually go by twos," Vanguard said. He pointed to another figure moving just a little behind the ponies. "They don't patrol with Ophidites either." True enough, the figure of an enormous Ophidite, easily twice as big as Seshimyssen, slithered on. Vanguard sniffed, then put a hoof over his nose. "Foul stink...smells like corpses and...honey."
Seshimyssen let out a brief, alarmed hiss. "Corpses and honey? Emperor's feathers, we've only just begun, and this little trip of yours already threatens my life."
Applejack sniffed the air, but all she could catch as the heavy scent of damp leaves and soil. She'd read something about honey in Bog Light's book, but...
"Yellow musk zombies," Seshimyssen whispered to her empathically. "These ones look like they're on a return trip, given that meal they're carrying along. The parent plant might be close."
"We're not here on a trophy hunt," Vanguard said. "But I'm surprised that a Yellow Musk Creeper managed to get so close to even a trail. There must be a patrol already hunting it, or the Southern Legion's gotten very sloppy."
"We should kill it," Applejack said. "What if it attacks other ponies using this trail?"
Vanguard continued to stare at the figures. "That's not why we're here. If we hunt down every passing monster in this place, we'll grow old before we finish the mission. We should sneak past. Southern Legion patrols will take care of this matter."
More rustling came from the undergrowth ahead of the figures. Three more pony shapes joined them, along with another Ophidite, this one just Seshimyssen's size. Now, Applejack wasn't as sure of a headlong attack. Vanguard was wrinkling his nose. No wonder, Applejack herself could now catch a whiff of something disgustingly sweet and foul all at once.
"Over there," Vanguard whispered. He pointed a hoof towards the direction all the figures were shambling. A cloudy, yellow haze seemed to be wafting towards the figures. Applejack frowned and raised a hoof slightly. There wasn't any wind blowing that way. How was the cloud moving?
The answer became obvious enough when the cloud came closer. Long, green, leafy tendrils poked out of the haze. They writhed slowly, stretching out tentatively towards different directions, as if getting a feel of their surroundings.
"Time to go," Vanguard whispered. He turned around and began sneaking away from the sight. Applejack clenched her jaw. She could see Vanguard's point. She really couldn't afford getting into random fights. A bad fall, a deep wound, a sprained leg...it was so easy to make this trip twice as hard, if not outright impossible. Still, the thought of this varmint killing one more pony when she had this chance galled her.
In an instant, that decision may not be up to her after all. Something zipped towards the cloud, and struck. A loud, shrill, shriek burst from the haze followed by frantic shaking noises, like tree branches being blown about in a storm. Vanguard turned around at the sound of this. Even Seshimyssen, who was already slithering ahead, looked back. A second object zipped into the cloud. This time, Applejack recognized the fletching. "There's a patrol!" she said. She didn't even bother whispering. The ponies shambling towards the smoke let out a chorus of dry wheezes and stumbled towards where the arrows flew.
A bright green pegasus, armed with a longbow and garbed in leathers had fired the shot. Below him, two earth ponies and a unicorn galloped forward. The pegasus caught a glimpse of Applejack, and yelled. "Ho, legionnaires! We'd appreciate some assistance!"
Applejack turned towards Vanguard. To her delight, he was already running towards the monster. "Stay clear of that cloud!" he growled. "It'll daze you so it can plant seeds in your head." She nodded, though she doubted that he saw it, before looping her chain and spinning it for a toss. Having seeds planted in one's head must be how ponies turned into those shambling things.
"Ponies," Seshimyssen hissed. "Messy with roles as always!" He drew his own bow, and nocked at arrow.
The unicorn in the group concentrated on a spell. Applejack expected a burst of flame or the crackle of lightning. Instead, a wild gust of wind whistled loudly through the trees, blowing back the cloud of yellow haze, finally revealing an enormous, mobile plant. A cluster of vines whipped about from its sides. At the center of the leafy mess was a single, yellow flower, its petals easily three feet long, a gaping, fang-rimmed mouth drooled and smacked at its heart. Yellow haze continued to waft from those lips, but the wind kept it from reforming its protective cloud.
At this, the shamblers focused their attention on the unicorn. The earth pony pair had anticipated this, and already stood to defend. Like Vanguard, they wielded heavy blades.
One of the pony shamblers quickly discovered that it had a new silver necklace. A swift tug from Applejack sent it flying her way. A thick, gnarled tree trunk brought its flight to a violent stop, punctuated by a sick crunch. There was no cry of surprise from the thing, though. Despite the sounds of fighting ahead, Applejack couldn't help but take a cursory look at the things they were fighting.
It was a pony alright, a brown-coated stallion with a scraggly white mane. Any chance of this thing hiding its true nature faded this close. The smell was horrendous and near-overpowering; a corpse several days old, moldering away in a humid jungle mixed with really old honey. The stallion's head had been cracked open after colliding with the tree, but barely a trickle of blood oozed from the wound. That wasn't the most horrific sight on its head, however. A long, green stalk poked out of its skull, spreading wide, dark green leaves and a single, six-petalled flower of bright yellow.
The rest of the pony showed no better. Its eyes were sunken and shriveled, staring blankly at nothing. Enormous gashes criss-crossed its torso, and opened a cheek wide enough to expose yellowed teeth. It should be dead from that impact. From the looks of its old wounds, it should have been dead before Applejack even encountered it. Instead, it let out a wheezing moan and tried to get back to its hooves.
The moment for observation was over. Seeing a still-dangerous foe, Applejack gripped her chain tightly and hurled the creature through the air once more, launching it towards an ophidite shambler closing in on the unicorn. The two crashed into a heap, which one of the earth ponies proceeded to savagely chop up. When the writhing, flailing mass settled, the earth pony pulled out a flask and doused the bodies with some kind of liquid. A thrown match later, Applejack was looking at a burning heap.
The earth pony stallion who had lit the fire was breathing heavily. Thick gouts of partly coagulated blood oozed down his blade, and dripped on the ground. He didn't look at Applejack, but he must have noticed the silver chain still wrapped around the shambler's severed neck. "You have to burn the seedlings out," he said. "Otherwise, they'll keep coming."
Applejack froze, not because of the words, but because of the voice that carried them. It had been a while, but she recognized it easily. "Twocolt?" she asked. "That you?"
Of course, so that's why Snakewatch Outpost sounded familiar! That was where the Northern Legion sent Twocolt after everything that happened in Bastion City. A faraway outpost where he couldn't do any harm...she supposed being in the middle of the jungle did keep him out of Black Rose's schemes.
Twocolt finally took a look at her, eyes wide with shock. There was no mistaking the light brown coat, and the short spiky mane. Twocolt looked haggard. He seemed to have lost several pounds, and he was a lean stallion to begin with. "Applejack?" he asked, his voice barely a hoarse whisper. He rubbed his eyes vigorously for a while. Even from where she was, Applejack noted the heavy circles around his eyes.
At that moment, the second Ophidite shambler closed in on Twocolt. Applejack whipped her chain about with a hard flick of her neck, un-looping it from the burning mess, then smashing it on top of the Ophidite's skull so hard that it knocked the creature flat on its belly. The crunch of its skull breaking open travelled through the chain's links, elliciting a brief shudder from Applejack. Not so much now, though. Each time she struck with the chain, she grew more used to the sensations involved with it.
"You shouldn't close your eyes in the middle of a fight, Twocolt," Applejack said with a smile. Twocolt answered with a faint smile of his own before facing the still ongoing fight nearby.
The other shamblers were down, and on fire, but the main plant was still fighting. Vanguard and the other earth pony kept it at bay. Applejack had checked up on them in time to see Vanguard chop off a long tendril from the thing. The pegasus and Seshimyssen peppered the thing's main body with arrows, while the unicorn maintained his spell.
"Twocolt, what's that thing doing here?" Applejack asked. She spun her chain with a foreleg, and looked for her opening. Too many limbs flailing about to bind. She certainly didn't want to pull towards her.
"Stray creeper," Twocolt replied. "Our patrol's been tracking it for a while. Seriously, we didn't think it would doubleback to get to a trail. This one's pretty desperate, just like the other two we had to put down."
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Like the other two?" she asked. "This ain't the first time?" She watched admiringly as Vanguard timed a single stroke to chop off several tendrils. Well, given the fight with Nightmare Moon, he must be used to tentacles and the like. With its limbs gone, the enormous flower at the center had no defense. Vanguard looked towards Applejack, and nodded slightly. She flung the chain end-first. It wasn't something she'd normally do in a rodeo, but the motion wasn't too alien.
Besides, the magic chain seemed almost alive with how it adusted to the things she wanted to do. The self-looping and knotting whenever she needed a lasso was obvious enough, but there were other things as well, things she noticed during practice. The chain grew light when she pulled back for a whipping strike, then grew heavy when she whipped it forward. It strenghtened her when she needed to pull something's head off, but not so much when she sparred with friends. Now, she needed it to be like a thrown spear, and the chain was already making little adjustments. The end link grew heavier as her throw proved true.
The chain flew through the creeper's slobbering mouth, and punched through its fleshy walls, coming out of its back before embedding itself into a nearby tree. The plant twitched a few more times before collapsing into a heap of leaves. Yellowish green goo pooled beneath it, and leaked out of the severed tendrils.
Twocolt stared at the silver chain for a while, his eyes even wider than when he noticed Applejack. "Somepony's gotten a lot better at this," he muttered.
Applejack retracted the chain, and looked around. The other ponies did give the chain a cursory glance, but nowhere as close as Twocolt's stare. They must be used to seeing some magical weapons then, whether the Legion's or the Empire's. Seshimyssen was a different story though. He looked at the chain with a vaguely pleased grin.
Vanguard, on the other hoof merely gave a brief nod before proceeding to clean the gunk off his blade. Applejack followed suit, wrinkling her nose over the foul smell that now clung to the links.
"Thank you for the assistance," the unicorn said once they had gathered together. The ponies looked suspiciously at Seshimyssen at first, but focused on Vanguard and Applejack once they noticed the collar. "This one's managed to gather quite a number of zombies before we caught up to it."
Vanguard waved off the thanks, but he did salute. "I'm no expert with Southern Barrier Land flora, Patrol Leader..."
"Grape Seed," the unicorn said. He removed his leather champron, revealing a short mane of purple curls, and light green eyes.
"...but I know that Yellow Musk Creepers are smart enough to avoid trails and roads. At least until they have a huge enough gang to be a threat."
"They would under normal circumstances," Grape Seed replied. He glanced over at Seshimyssen, who was busy plucking arrows from the dead. "Of course, when you have Imperial troops suddenly pouring into their usual hunting grounds, it's usually the smarter species that try moving somewhere else. We've got creepers and bloodthorns thinking they're better off picking on pony travelers than dealing with armed hunting parties. Won't be that long until we start getting crocodilian bandits as well."
"The rebellion's been going on for a while," Vanguard said. "This an old problem?"
"Fairly recent," Grape Seed replied. "The Empire was content with dragging things out with the rebellion given their resource and number superiority, but things changed a month or so ago. They're stepping things up, and bringing their hard hitters. I'm guessing they've noticed the strange things happening in the Heartland, and they want a piece of the action."
Applejack frowned, and looked farther down the trail. Exactly what they needed, the Ophidites gathering troops in their territories.
Seshimyssen crossed his arms, and let out a low hiss.
"You have a different conclusion, vipren?" Grape Seed asked.
"Imperial policy wouldn't change so easily," Seshimyssen said. "Not even with vague reports about turmoil in your Heartland. Equestria may squirrel away every little opportunity it gets, but Ophidus puts as much weight in how it wins as it does winning. Treating the rebellion as more than a persistent, but minor, threat will not sit well with the coatls."
"That doesn't change that we do have reports of Ophidite troop movement farther south," Grape Seed said.
"Were they wearing imperial colors?" Seshimyssen asked. "You sure these are official imperial troops? They could be some noble's private servants."
Grape Seed was silent for a moment. Before he could answer, however, Applejack spoke first. "Does that include the old Greenfang Outpost, or Neksyth's Glory, or whatever it's called?"
"That's where most of the reports are coming from," Grape Seed said.
"Let me guess," Twocolt muttered beside Applejack. "Exactly where you're heading?"
"How'd you know?" Applejack asked.
Twocolt sighed, and smiled wanly. "You would have that kind of luck."
Vanguard was frowning now as well. For a moment, Applejack was worried that he was already considering calling off the whole thing. Things did appear to have gotten more difficult, but she didn't want to turn back so early, and with nothing to show for it. Her friends had all gone somewhere, and she dreaded the idea of reuniting with them empty-hoofed.
"Curious situation we've found ourselves in," Vanguard said. He looked at Seshimyssen. "Maybe one of Neksyth's descendants is making another sweep of the place?"
Seshimyssen shrugged. "I would actually consider that more likely than the Empire deciding to treat these crocodilians as more than pests."
Grape Seed watched both Vanguard and Seshimyssen intently. "Sounds like things my superiors should consider. I take it that you're stopping by Snakewatch? We'll escort you there."
That didn't seem like a friendly invitation. Applejack didn't mind though; she was hoping to catch up with Twocolt.
After they finished cleaning up, which included sweeping the burned up corpses far fom the trail, Vanguard walked alongside Grape Seed up front, while Applejack and Twocolt brought up the rear. Between them, the other legionnaires sandwiched Seshimyssen among them.
"You're looking really thin," Applejack said after a few minutes of walking. "Not enjoying the food here, Twocolt?"
"Food's fine," Twocolt replied. "The Southern Legion's got a lot more variety with meals. The stress of adapting does get to you, though." He swished his tail particularly hard. "That, and these damn horseflies have probably sucked a couple of pounds out of me so far."
Applejack chuckled, then grunted when a sharp bite made her wince. Her tail smacked a particularly large and bold insect, sending it fluttering to the ground. Twocolt said nothing after that. Applejack was starting to think that he resented her part in what happened at Bastion City. Though, for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why.
"Hey, Applejack," Twocolt said after a while.
"Huh?"
Twocolt kept his gaze firmly on the ground. "Did Lady Bri...I mean, did Black Rose's plans help out Equestria in the end?" he asked.
"I..." Applejack let the silence drag out until she could feel Twocolt's eyes on her. "Yeah," she finally said. She let herself smile a bit. "I really wish she just went about it more honestly. We could have done something...I dunno, something she'd been happy with without all the scheming."
"Yeah..." Twocolt let out something between a sigh and a snort. "I don't know how I'm sure, but I think I would have helped her, even without the whole 'Order of True Equestrians' bit." His eyes hardened for a moment. "So how is she? Locked up somewhere in the Heartland? Maybe once I get some time off this jungle I..."
"Twocolt..." Applejack's tone softened. "Twocolt, she's dead."
Twocolt stopped for a moment. "D-dead?" he asked. "The Prince...the Prince had her executed?" He was forced to start walking again as the rest of them kept going.
"No, he didn't," Applejack said. She remembered the look on the prince's face; that unyielding frown that appeared no different from his usual scowl, but failed to hide something worse beneath. He wasn't fooling anypony. Nopony could be that hard. Nopony should be that hard. "She died helping us."
"Oh..." Twocolt was smiling again. It was a tight smile with the effort all too obvious, but it was still a smile. "I guess...I guess that's worth something." His voice shook. "Verdant and the others...they...she..."
Applejack placed a hoof on Twocolt's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Twocolt," she said.
"It's okay," Twocolt said as he brushed the hoof off. "I guess we at least made something out of being so blindly trusting."
"Don't say it like that," Applejack said. "Good of Equestria or not, there's more to you than what somepony used you for."
Twocolt didn't reply. They were silent for most of the trip after that. The trail slipped into thicker underbrush and wound past enormous, twisted trees. Finally, the first signs of a pony-made structure peeked past the trees.
"Snakewatch," Grape Seed said. He took another step, then stopped, his eyes hard. "Hold. We've got company."
A lone, enormous figure lumbered towards them, lazily brushing past low-hanging branches. It had to be nearly three times as tall as a stallion. It walked on a pair of muscular legs that ended in claws. Everypony in the group readied weapons.
"Crocodilian," Twocolt whispered. Applejack didn't miss the tremble in his legs as he glanced at the trees to their sides. "Guess the bandits are moving in faster than we thought. Watch our flanks."
The lone figure moved closer, revealing thick, knobby, dull green scales and a long, toothy muzzle. It carried an enormous, crescent blade across its shoulder. "That's far enough, crocodlian," Grape Seed called out. The pegasus pointed a drawn bow at the crocodlian's direction.
The crocodilian raised a single claw, and stopped. "Peace, ponies," it rasped. "I'm alone. No ambush, this."
Seshimyssen suddenly slithered forward. "Anektor?" he asked. "This is not our meeting place. Why are you here?"
Anektor dropped his blade. It seemed that the sight of a familiar face let him relax. Now, it was obvious that he was breathing hard. "Sess," he said. He let out some kind of gurgling croak, and grinned. "Plan's changed." He focused on Grape Seed. "Be honored, ponies, you're about to witness a first. The rebellion has hired me to negotiate aid."
"Equestria has offered aid to the Crocodilians before," Grape Seed said. "You spat on our faces, and ambushed our emissaries. Why should we bother with a second try?"
"You should, ponies. If the Ophidites succeed with what they're doing in Neksyth's Glory, they are like to sweep the rest of the south soon after."
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Damn you Visiden, I was just about to go to bed, and now I have to read your amazing writing...
Yes! An update! Forget sleep, this is important! Onward!
Well, the Southern Jungles sound as inviting of a place as Catachan...
I was surprised to see Twocolt show up again, though reading the title does kinda give it away, there's not too many minor characters who we didn't know the location of. Looks like the news of Black Rose being a well-intentioned extremist hit him pretty hard.
Wow, Crocodillians are big, and apparently pretty smart, I wonder what their culture is like and if they have any sub-species?
Hmm, my plot senses are tingling at the fact that Seshimyssen had a pre-arranged plan with Anektor and not in a good way...
It looks like Visiden's going to do all of one Mane6's story at once then move onto the next. That gives me the impression that Rarity and Pinkie won't stick together for very long, or he'll do some trade-off mechanic when two of them meet (Rainbow and AJ will meet, considering both of them are in the Southern Barrier Land), probably flashing back to the story of whoever just showed up.
Ominous.
I'm about 80% sure we're about to have a PoV change too. Because that would just be too convenient.
Well that was unexpected.
Complete Silence and then BAM NEW CHAPTER WITHIN A MONTH.
Great job vis
Sadly I won't be able to read it right now. :(
Also a new avatar? Finally.
This chapter did a great job making the reader feel like they were slogging through a tropical jungle. It sure makes my region's temperate forests seem dull in comparison.
That being said excited to see a four way struggle between the Southern Legion, Ophidites, Crocodillians, and nature. May the best team win.
Nice avatar. Surprised you caved and put one up.
Small mistake, just thought I'd point it out.
It was nice to see more of the jungle trekking, and Twocolt was a nice surprise as well, I'm glad to see him.
Neato chapter!
I really love AJ's chain.
Ncie chapter but.. damn me if I can't remember who Two colt is!
T
Plant zombies? Fun for everyone!
Twocolt? There's a name I don't really remember.
That's a pretty awesome new technique, and really it just opens up new questions about what else AJ might be able to do with the chain.
Now that seems unlikely to be a coincidence.
Another non-Equestrian ally? Awesome.
That sounds like a big deal.
And of course, it's caused by an exciting new crisis.
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6496095
How can you not remember Twocolt
He was Aj's buddy in Bastion city back when she first got recruited.
And he helped Black Rose steal Celestia's powers by returning the gem tha spike used to her.
Terrato was gonna kill him for this but Aj convinced him otherwise because "he was misguided".
So now he is serving in the shittiest post the southern legion has to offer.
6500649 in their defense, the story went like 6-8 months without an update, I had to re-read the entire first two stories to refresh my memories when it did update and that's the only reason I remembered two-colt.
I first thought I'd catch up with this when chapters about not-Applejack would start, but oh well.
This story is still really good, but I'm worried about random forced ships becoming a thing. It's a thing that happens way too often in adventure novels/fics.
I'm of course not too happy about Appleclash, and I'm really hoping Rainbowstride does not become a more-than-platonic thing. Same thing for other pointless and forced relationships.
New avatar
It must mean that a new chapter is coming.
is it me or has it been two and a half months since Visden uploaded anything
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http://www.fimfiction.net/story/298207/the-void-rift-crisis
here you go m8
It's been a few months, can we get an update? Like, I know your exhausted from that Nanorimo writing thing or whatever the fuck it's called, but even a blog post to let us know you're at least alive would be nice. Btw, I love you and your writing still...just kinda getting sick of reading shit fics in between your updates...all just clop, bad HiE and pop culture rip offs these days.
Also, my own writing is getting better, and I sent you mail regarding my most recent work. Not sure if you've read it, but I can guarantee, no robots are in it. It could use an extra plot element that syncs with ending, plus a little ironing out on the grammar here and there, but for the most part It's decent. And trust my word when I say that, I went to an overly blunt critique and a few of my writing buddies with this one and it came out as a B+ (figuratively) But of course, your input would be greatly appreciated, as always.
Hope to hear from you soon, Visiden.
*Pokes Vis with a stick*
of
It's been a while since Breaking Point, but I don't recall hearing Pyre Valor with the nightmare being referred to as Nightmare Moon
Twocolt
I will say I like all the monsters you create. I'm not sure if they all make sense but they are still fun and creative.
Its
There are two commas too many. Delete the comma after "seeing" and the one after "tightly".
You're missing a word: "the motion wasn't too alien."
That semicolon should be a comma.
Perhaps you meant "she sparred" or "she was sparring"?
Comma splice. Either change that comma to a period, or add a "but" after the comma.
Comma splice. Change that comma to a semicolon.
Delete the comma after "enormous". When you have multiple adjectives preceding the noun they all modify, you do not need to put a comma before the last adjective and the noun. You've been making this same type of error throughout the story.
That period should be a question mark.
Missing word: "the rest of the south"
Reply if you can find why I quoted this paragraph.
Yes, I was right. Ha
Is it just me or is there similarities between this part and Ellesmera, the elven city first mentioned in Eldest.
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Not just you man. Although Ellesmera shaped the trees into the buildings.